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"Why is breaking up such a big deal?", asked the Aspie.


hexaemeron

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Okay, so I've been reading thread after thread about people who just seem to be broken beyond repair because of a breakup they initiated, or that they were on the receiving end of one. As someone with link removed, I cannot possibly relate to what is going through your heads.

 

"... my boyfriend kissed another girl! Oh my god, the pain!" or "...It's been five years and I can't move on!"

 

Why? Seriously? Why? If it doesn't work, why can't you just pick yourself up and be ready for the right one? All of this brokenness (for lack of a better term) seems so pointless, self-indulgent and just, I don't know, lame.

 

Who wants to be with someone so broken, co-dependent and incapable that they cannot be fulfilled and fruitful alone? Do people really need such constant external validation of worth that without it, they cannot live happily or function socially?

 

Seriously, what gives?

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When you're with someone for a long enough period of time, bonds form that are as strong as any you're likely to have.

 

When those bonds are severed, you go through the same grieving process you'd feel with the death of a loved one. You plan a future with someone. You see the realization of a lot of hopes and dreams with that person, and then that future, at least with them, can be suddenly erased. It hurts. Why wouldn't it?

 

When you fall in love, you make yourself vulnerable to another person. You expose yourself to some wonderful experiences. You also take a risk. You're giving up a certain amount of control by placing your heart in someone else's hands.

 

There is a big difference between falling in love, and being co-dependant. There is also a big difference between getting your heart broken, and being "incapable" or unable to "be fulfilled and fruitful alone."

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I initiated the breakup of a marriage, what gives to me is we took vows, I ultimately was sick when I did it and maybe just maybe could have worked through those problems. 2 divorces looks bad, is really my biggest problem with ending the marriage. Now people, family members, think I don't take marriage seriously, including the clergy, who at my brothers wedding enuciated the word sactity of marriage.

 

As far as breakups go if you love the person it's gonna hurt for a long time. Regardless if you did or not.

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When you're with someone for a long enough period of time, bonds form that are as strong as any you're likely to have.

 

When those bonds are severed, you go through the same grieving process you'd feel with the death of a loved one.

 

When you fall in love, you make yourself vulnerable to another person. You expose yourself to some wonderful experiences. You also take a risk. The end of a relationship is painful.

 

What is it you don't get?

 

I understand that in the abstract, totally. But if it doesn't work, what possible benefit is there in being broken beyond repair? Why would people choose to wallow in self-pity and obsess over a situation that obviously wasn't right in favor of enriching themselves, working out, eating better, working harder at work and enjoying friends and family to be ready for when someone who very well COULD be right?

 

What is that "right" person going to see? A confident, self-assured vibrant person? Or a paranoid, damaged wreck of a person who can't even get over a breakup?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and it's not my intent to judge, but that's just how it seems.

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There are some schools of thought that believe codependency is a good thing. It's kind of like politics, you can decide what you want to believe on that matter; however, I totally agree with your other points of view.

 

Sometimes things are much easier said than done when it's happening to other people..

 

I think co-dependency is the sign of a weak person gravitating towards a strong person, but that's just me.

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I understand that in the abstract, totally. But if it doesn't work, what possible benefit is there in being broken beyond repair? Why would people choose to wallow in self-pity and obsess over a situation that obviously wasn't right in favor of enriching themselves, working out, eating better, working harder at work and enjoying friends and family to be ready for when someone who very well COULD be right?

 

What is that "right" person going to see? A confident, self-assured vibrant person? Or a paranoid, damaged wreck of a person who can't even get over a breakup?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and it's not my intent to judge, but that's just how it seems.

 

 

 

 

 

It's part of the dating "game" so-to-speak.

 

It's not all black & white.

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I initiated the breakup of a marriage, what gives to me is we took vows, I ultimately was sick when I did it and maybe just maybe could have worked through those problems. 2 divorces looks bad, is really my biggest problem with ending the marriage. Now people, family members, think I don't take marriage seriously, including the clergy, who at my brothers wedding enuciated the word sactity of marriage.

 

As far as breakups go if you love the person it's gonna hurt for a long time. Regardless if you did or not.

 

I was with a guy for three years, and when it ended, the only thing I felt was unadulterated relief and joy. I didn't grieve at all. I was so excited to be on my own again.

 

I guess that's where my confusion is.

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Sometimes a loving relationship between two people is greater than the sum of its parts.

 

It can be difficult for an individual to accept the (unwanted) loss of the 'merged' identity.

 

See, that sounds terrifying to me. Why would you ever give up yourself in favor of being this one-merged identity?

 

To me, relationships are about two independent people who each shares a part of themselves with the other. Building your life around someone else shortchanges the person because they'll never be self-sufficient and grow to resent the other person for invariably not living up to the expectations of "WELL I BASED MY WHOLE LIFE AROUND YOU!"

 

...and I don't think that's fair at all to another person to put that kind of responsibility or pressure on them.

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Everyone says when you break up with a loved one, you have to work on/improve yourself and figure out who you really are. What you say is right to some extent and I believe eventually people have to move on and become happy with themselves. But right after the breakup, you are miserable and it takes small steps for you to love yourself again and build that self confidence. I wish it was that easy to get up again and be happy again. But it takes time. If you really loved that person you broke up with, it might take a long time. But I do believe that you have to start self improvement from day 1 and you will eventually get to the place where you are happy and ready for someone new.

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I understand that in the abstract, totally. But if it doesn't work, what possible benefit is there in being broken beyond repair? Why would people choose to wallow in self-pity and obsess over a situation that obviously wasn't right in favor of enriching themselves, working out, eating better, working harder at work and enjoying friends and family to be ready for when someone who very well COULD be right?

 

Most people don't wallow in self-pity and obsess over things for an extended period of time. But if you love someone - and loving someone does not always mean you build your whole life around them - the loss of that person in your life is going to hurt. If you really loved, then it has too. Otherwise, you need to examine what you really felt in the first place.

 

What is that "right" person going to see? A confident, self-assured vibrant person? Or a paranoid, damaged wreck of a person who can't even get over a breakup?

 

That's fine, but it takes time. If you can be a confident, self-assured vibrant person two weeks, or even two months out of a 3 year relationship, then it's probably likely you weren't really in love in the first place.

 

Scars take time to heal. Pain goes away, but it takes time. When you expose yourself to someone else, and they essentially reject you - especially after a lengthy period of time, it's going to hurt. That's part of being human - we're not robots.

 

The goal is to learn from the experience, and use it to grow as a person. That doesn't happen overnight. Nor should it.

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Everyone says when you break up with a loved one, you have to work on/improve yourself and figure out who you really are. What you say is right to some extent and I believe eventually people have to move on and become happy with themselves. But right after the breakup, you are miserable and it takes small steps for you to love yourself again and build that self confidence. I wish it was that easy to get up again and be happy again. But it takes time. If you really loved that person you broke up with, it might take a long time. But I do believe that you have to start self improvement from day 1 and you will eventually get to the place where you are happy and ready for someone new.

 

Yeah, again, that makes sense in the abstract, but I definitely don't work that way. Aspies tend to have problems with emotions, especially empathy.

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If they reject you though, then it just wasn't meant to be. I don't need other people's validation to inform me that I'm a smart, funny, handsome, good guy. If someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, they should just go and find someone they do want to date, and that's fine.

 

I just don't get all the drama.

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And again, you can accept that it wasn't meant to be...but emotional bonds take time to form, and as time goes on, they grow stronger. When they're severed, it's going to hurt.

 

It would be great if everyone could let reason and logic rule them and not be overwhelmed by emotion, but again, most of us aren't wired that way.

 

If you don't form that kind of loving bond, what's the point of dating anyone to begin with?

 

I mean...there are hundreds of years of poems, sonnets, paintings, songs, movies, literature, etc, based almost entirely on heartbreak.

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If they reject you though, then it just wasn't meant to be. I don't need other people's validation to inform me that I'm a smart, funny, handsome, good guy. If someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, they should just go and find someone they do want to date, and that's fine.

 

I just don't get all the drama.

 

 

That's all fine-and dandy with friends. It's a whole different ballgame with love and relationships.

 

Just out of curiosity, is aspie related to bipolar? I know they both have difficulty dealing with emotions on some level.

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Here's what wikipedia says:

 

The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome.[2] Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.[1]

 

Depending on how much of that is accurate, I guess I can see why heartbreak might be a difficult concept to relate too.

 

If you haven't felt it, consider yourself lucky. I still think you will though.

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And again, you can accept that it wasn't meant to be...but emotional bonds take time to form, and as time goes on, they grow stronger. When they're severed, it's going to hurt.

 

It would be great if everyone could let reason and logic rule them and not be overwhelmed by emotion, but again, most of us aren't wired that way.

 

If you don't form that kind of loving bond, what's the point of dating anyone to begin with?

 

Personally, I do form bonds, but I don't believe it's the same. There's research done that shows that aspies don't produce post-honeymoon-phase bonding hormones at all, so we don't get that whole (or at least I don't get that whole) deeper connection with time thing.

 

I approach relationships from a very pragmatic place. If you want to be with me, then be with me. If I want to be with you, then I'll be with you. Whatever you need to do, even including sex with other people is fine as long as you are honest with me and safe. I want my partner to be as happy as he can possibly be. If I'm not making him happy and someone else can, then go and I will be your friend and always wish you the best. I don't have any personal investment in the ideas of monogamy either. It just seems like setting yourself up for failure with expectations no one can live up to.

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That's all fine-and dandy with friends. It's a whole different ballgame with love and relationships.

 

Just out of curiosity, is aspie related to bipolar? I know they both have difficulty dealing with emotions on some level.

 

Aspies tend to get diagnosed as bipolar as a precursor or mistaken diagnosis (as I was seven years prior to my AS diagnosis)

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to me love is not just an emotion. it is a relationship and a bond, so yea, exactly what you and i are saying, it can hurt.

i don't think it's correct or incorrect to say love can hurt or not. it's a part of humanity. we might get hurt, grow stronger, do things different, try to fix things, move on, etc.

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Look, I do not have Aspergers (though my son does) and I don't understand all the angst, either. I have been through a few breakups and always followed this advice given me by someone many years ago. "you are only on this earth so many days and you will waste even ONE precious day crying over someone who does not care for you like you do them?!! That is insane!!!" To this day, I don't cry, lament, or grieve longer than a couple of days over anyone. AFter 2 days, I wipe my eyes and go out and live!!! I have never regretted this. I have had a happy life and if someone isn't right for me, then it's time to move on. People have told me I think in a very pragmatic manner, and I do to some extent. It's just life is short and I REFUSE to give anyone any power over my life!

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I don't know...that sounds very sad to me. We're meant to experience a whole range of emotions, and one of them is pain in relation to these sorts of relationships.

 

You really can't love deeply if you're not willing to make yourself vulnerable. Nothing worth having comes without risk, and the risk of getting your heart broken is the price you pay for really loving and accepting love. The very act of loving someone means you're surrendering at least some control over your emotions. That's the way it has to be.

 

I'm not a robot and Thank God for it. I hate the pain of breakups. I hate that so many others even right now, this very minute, somewhere in the world, are breaking up and people are getting their hearts broken.

 

But it's worth it.

 

I get the whole "Live like you were dying" stuff...and "Life is short" stuff....but those view points are all the more reason to make yourself vulnerable to others, to open your heart...

 

I'm not saying people should be in absolute agony for a year or more at a time - some people take longer to heal than others - but I would hope I wouldn't waste my time being in a relationship for more than a few days if it took just a couple of days to get over it. What would be the point?

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