" So when are you getting married !!! ?"

I know this might come accross pathetic and juvenile for some of you but really sometimes I find myself having no one to talk too and think sometimes this is the best way to get my thoughts accross without being criticized by my close friends.

I have 2 things that I have found hard dealing with;

1. Valentines day. My SO is not really the propaganda Valentines Day type. I didn’t get flowers nor a card or anything to do with Valentines Day. That’s ok with me I thought considering it was our first Valentines he might have done something like that he didn’t. Instead we went shopping together (we were house sitting at the time) and he chose a menu and made everything while I sit at watched laughing and drinking wine. When my friends asked me what I did and I said we did that and they said oh what kind of presents did I get. I said nothing …. They are like OMG YOU DIDN’T GET ANYTHING???? And its your first valentines day? Not even a single rose? ( Btw I am 27 years old, have had 2 major relationships and had all the bells and whistles with valentines day so I am over it really ) I said well those things really don’t matter to me much. They just sat there with there eyes open and mouths pursed. I felt silly a right old idiot, I thought what he did was special and that’s all that mattered. Should he have done something? Even my mum said to me omg he didn’t even get you a card. He hasn’t said I love you yet and neither have I … I don’t really feel comfortable yet.

2. His friends…. Most of his friends are married and we have been really together 7 months and I always get the comments “ when are you two going to get married “ …. This line at LEAST is mentioned 3 or 4 times when we hang out with them. It frustrates me that everything is based on marriage. I don’t know how to answer their question; it really is none of their business. It’s so early in the relationship that I really don’t know if I could spend the rest of my life with someone. I have just watched my parents go through a gut wrenching divorce after 25 years and when I marry I want to make sure that they are the ONE. One of them even had the audacity to even say to me, “well if he isn’t serious about you then why are you with him. Obviously you’re not the one” I just stood there with my mouth open I didn’t know what to say. The last time I got the “ When are you getting married question “ I said NEVER jokingly and my SO was present and we had an argument later on that night asking me what the hell I am with him if I don’t see myself married. Bad choice of words. I am so silly sometimes. I mean how you handle these questions.

Thanks all for your kind help peace be with you.

Wow, I think both of you need new friends!

well - first off, it's none of their business when you are getting married! 7 months is not 7 years. you two haven't even been together for a year, i don't see what's the rush, or how you would even know he is the man for you after 7 months. so, the next time someone asks you that, ask them how their sex life is going. something equally intrustive and rude.

next - just because he doesn't do anything special for V-day doesn't mean he's a bad bf, as long as he is kind and considerate to you the other 364 days of the year. besides, drinking wine and cooking together sounds like a nice date to me!

hang in there, don't let them get you down.

(1) But he did do something for you. Especially given it was your first Vday together, he did a lot by choosing a menu and cooking you dinner. That is very sweet and romantic! I'm surprised none of your friends and family picked up on that.

(2) Some people are rude and tactless. I would avoid the question or answer simply with "if and when we both feel that the time in right." I am also appalled that people are asking you about marriage after 7 months!! These people have no sense. Most people wait well beyond 7 months to even start talking about getting engaged.

1. what he did WAS special and next time if you are in this situation tell your friends that you are more into the quality of a relationship and heartfelt gestures then you are dollars spent...

2. it is VERY disrespectful for your friends to ask you 'when are you getting married' when you have been dating SEVEN months.

yea, get some new friends. they sound VERY superficial. I wouldn't mind calling them on it, I hope you get the courage to do the same.

Yeah I think sometimes it comes down to a bit of jealousy with my friends. Both of us work very hard and we are very driven people when combined we always have the best and splurge on ourselfs. People see this and I think they knit pick anything that they can find.

I spoke about engagement rings with my bf once.... just once and he said you know me I am a showmen I will dazzle everyone because you deserve it. I smiled and left the conversation at that.... It doesnt matter how many if its .2 carats or 4 carats .. to me he IS still making me feel special with what he does.

I think people have tapped in how easy I get upset or rattled and they play on that...

I thought what he did was special and that’s all that mattered.

Sounds good to me. My wife and I do not acknowledge V-Day in any way so you got one up on us!!!

I mean how you handle these questions.

I know how annoying it is. I think you just have to grin and bear it a bit. They'll get sick of asking soon enough.

I'm more of a lurker than a commenter here, but I just had to jump in. I hate those intrusive questions. Asking, "When are you going to get married" ranks right up with "When are you going to have children?"

You know what I'm beginning to think? I think people who ask these questions are not happy and they can't stand to see other people being happy. Let's face it, being young and in love and not married can be a lot more fun than being married and having a mortgage. Not that I'm knocking marriage, since I loved being married. It's just that once we're married we tend to take life a little bit more seriously.

I have no answer for this boorish behavior where people feel they have a right to ask you any question they want. A lot of people act that way (some times it seems like the majority of people act that way), and I have no idea where their motivation comes from. Perhaps we should ask people who ask these hideous questions to jump in and let us know why they feel so entitled to act this way.

I hear you about what happened when you said you were NEVER getting married. I also suffer from open mouth/insert foot disease. Perhaps your boyfriend will see you make a few more inartful comments here and there and understand that you don't mean anything bad by them.

Yeah I think sometimes it comes down to a bit of jealousy with my friends. Both of us work very hard and we are very driven people when combined we always have the best and splurge on ourselfs. People see this and I think they knit pick anything that they can find.

I spoke about engagement rings with my bf once.... just once and he said you know me I am a showmen I will dazzle everyone because you deserve it. I smiled and left the conversation at that.... It doesnt matter how many if its .2 carats or 4 carats .. to me he IS still making me feel special with what he does.

I think people have tapped in how easy I get upset or rattled and they play on that...

YEs, i think that is the issue. They are relishing in watching you get up in arms over their innane comments.

I am getting tired of the "When are you two getting married comments..." My SO is almost ready to quit his job because the ladies ride his a*s about it non stop. People called me over Valentine's weekend to ask if he popped the question because it was a pretty romantic weekend away.

And people don't want to hear the explanations either.

I think what gets me is when people get engaged a year or two in, and then look at us..being together almost 5 years and think "Wow, 5 years and still not married.." and give us this look that we must not be 'serious' or in love enough to be married.

I don't think you what you express is juvenile or pathetic, I think it is a genuine concern, and a big problem in social circles, especially in circles where most are married...

I have heard many stories about similar events from my girlfriends who are single, it seems that even today women in particular are constantly questioned about their single status, with a huge emphasis on "when are you getting married"...

I have found that when I don't want to answer someones question, asking a question instead of answering their's is a good tactic..

When people ask, ask them how long have they been married, how long were they together before getting married..and if they want to know why you are with him, smile coyly and elude to sex, lol...that works like a charm, embarrasses them and is a flattering comment for your man to overhear...

I feel it is really wrong to question a woman or a couple about their status, however it is something that happens a lot and even I admit to teasing my best girl about getting married to her man, she knows though that I never do that and her situation is a unique case, and she knows I love and support her regardless...

It's amazing what some people say out loud....as far as Valentines day, you just need to let those close to you (your mother) know that you are happy with what you had and that is the most important thing...he made you happy...

I feel for you, there is a lot of weird pressure out there, continue to do what is right for you, not what others want...

Well I have to control this somehow. I need to let water slide off a ducks back to say. I could be very rude and fire back when are you going to have children? But when and if my boyfriend hears that I am being rude, he is going to ask why this bothers me so much and I dont want to let on that this had made me upset.

I think partly its jealousy and partly the fact that they know I get upset easy. I just dont know how to control it. tomorrow night we are going to one of these girls birthdays and she always rips me apart with what I am wearing how I do my makeup etc. My boyfriend just says to me shes just being nice, meanwhile I feel like Im being run through with a fine tooth comb.

Dang, i think you need new friends!

I could not hang with that bunch. First they bombard you with when you are getting married and slam you for what you didn't get on val day and then rip you apart for what you are wearing!?!?

Man this makes me glad i am not into the girls night out scene!

what do you mean by 'rips you apart?' like she says - 'oh, you look nice tonight?' or she says, 'i don't like that color on you. the pink sweater you were wearing last week was so much nicer!' i would not be friends with her. my mom is like that and it drives me bonkers.

I am getting tired of the "When are you two getting married comments..." My SO is almost ready to quit his job because the ladies ride his a*s about it non stop. People called me over Valentine's weekend to ask if he popped the question because it was a pretty romantic weekend away.

 

 

And people don't want to hear the explanations either.

 

I think what gets me is when people get engaged a year or two in, and then look at us..being together almost 5 years and think "Wow, 5 years and still not married.." and give us this look that we must not be 'serious' or in love enough to be married.

You would not believe how many times people have looked at me with those eyes that say ... " oh honey he doesnt love you enough to marry you " . I wont lie either it does cause imense stress on us and I know it shouldnt.

What I mean by ripping me apart is that they STARE ... its just his friends not mine. Oh I love your hair I love your makeup how do you do it? I think they are being nice but sometimes I feel like they are being condesending .??? I dont know all this pressure and paranoia is making me want to run away...

Another weird thing that happened is that we house sat his best friends house who are married and they stupidly enough let us use thier computer. While i was on google, it had saved in the search bar prior searches.. and sure enough I saw evidence that they had been googling my name ... my position and information about my SO other too such as his wage and title and his last name too. Is this NORMAL? I told my SO and he just laughed it off ???!!!

your bf's friends sound really nasty and superficial.

I would respond to "when are you going to get married" with "when the children are grown". That always worked wonders for me.

I agree with Annie24 about his friends.

1) Dinner was great, very special... just because someone doesn't follow society and buy flowers and candy/card doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Don't listen to anyone else, if I could cook, I would have done that over candy and flowers, but I can't yet... I'm learning

2)7 months is short, just say "When I'm ready" ...it's up to no one else but yourself to hurry you into anything. Everyone has their own pace, some are married within a year and fine, some are married within 10 and fine, it just depends on the people and the commitment, not the time between first date and vows.

*off topic* Asti, take your time... marriage is a big deal, the reason you probably get crap for it is because after so long, it doesn't seem as serious. Not because it's been too long, but because people are going to look at your relationship like it's just floating along with no real commitment. It takes big people with big hearts and a strong relationship to admit they want to be together for the rest of their lives and not look back. Sadly most look at it like a contract and not a commitment any longer...so take it seriously, but don't let others judge you for your decisions.... we all have our own chips on our shoulders to deal with.

Sadly most look at it like a contract and not a commitment any longer...

But isn't marriage actually a legal contract? From the weddings I have seen, a legal document is signed by the "married" couple after the ceremony (or the end of the ceremony).

I disagree that many people see it as a contract. If they came accross any other type of contract (work, other legal contracts, etc.) with the same terms as a marriage contract, I would suggest there would be more a more serious commitment to marriage since it would sort out the serious from the non-serious.

I venture to say that a number of people see marriage on a lesser level than a contract if there is the thought that they can get out of it whenever they like. People who go through messy divorces find out the hard way that they signed a contract of what would normally be unreasonable terms in other fields (especially the length of the contract). Everyone would do well to look at marriage as a contract.

Anyway, I am sorry to take the topic off-course to nitpick something DropToZero said. To the original poster, I am not sure it would be something you would be willing to do, but the way I handle intrusive and undesirable questions is to directly tell the questioners that their questions are unappreciated and explain why that is the case. They almost never ask again (I say almost in case my memory has failed me).

I can be very direct with people in this sort of situation because, quite honestly, it angers me that other people do this and think they are helping. I have found in this lifetime that other people don't necessarily look out for my best interests. Actually, I almost never consider it a given. Only I can decide what is in my best interests and I have decided that I will direct the terms of my own life, not others.

 

*off topic* Asti, take your time... marriage is a big deal, the reason you probably get crap for it is because after so long, it doesn't seem as serious. Not because it's been too long, but because people are going to look at your relationship like it's just floating along with no real commitment. It takes big people with big hearts and a strong relationship to admit they want to be together for the rest of their lives and not look back. Sadly most look at it like a contract and not a commitment any longer...so take it seriously, but don't let others judge you for your decisions.... we all have our own chips on our shoulders to deal with.

We do take it seriously..hence why we've waited so long.

If we just went with our hearts, we'd probably be married by now. But thats not who we are, we are very practical and have taken our time building a phenomenal relationship together.

We're at a point where the relationship needs more, and we as individuals want more. We wanted certain things in place before we have the wedding, and it's working out nicely and we have no doubts, or concerns. We're just waiting for him to get his career and do his training, and then we're ready to start our life together. Because that's where we're at...we're done 'dating' and getting to know each other..we're ready to create a life together.

People don't seem to understand though.

They don't understand wanting to be financially stable. They tell my partner to just buy me a $100, because she won't care. Of course I wouldn't care, but he doens't want to put a $100 ring on my finger.

Our motto is "Do it once and do it right." I'd rather put in time before getting married to make sure this is going to work.

But there's also this trend where we live, where engagements happen within the first year and divorce follows closely after. I'd rather be patient, take our time, satisfy personal and relationship goals, and make sure this is right before we move forward.

I'm just tired of people going "WOW! That long! When are you guys gonna get married.." Somehow they think they are better than us because they got married so fast, and its all perfect and wonderful..and suddenly they are divorced and we're still at it.

Why is it any of their business?

I would respond to "when are you going to get married" with "when the children are grown". That always worked wonders for me.

Oh LOL!! That made my day.

Another line I like I learned from my mom. She got the question "So, why aren't you married yet?" a lot when she was younger. Her answer? "Just lucky, I guess."

My parents have now been married 35 years and did so when they were in their mid-30's.

hm - i was at a nightclub in mexico city when i was dancing with this devestatingly handsome mexican dude. he asked me in spanish why i wasn't married. i told him, 'demasiado chicos guapos. ' (too many cute guys out there!)