Who abused WHO? Me or my Fiance??? LONG AND CRAZY

ok, I'm 42, he's 47.

Met online May 2006.

He pursued me very aggressively; in fact stating on our 2nd or 3rd date that he wanted to be "buried on top of me to protect me for all eternity"..... he didn't say it in a morbid way, but a protective "I want you" kind of way.

He convinced me to have sex with him early on, stating that we should "get that out of the way" to find out if we're even compatible in that department.

He has the personality and swagger of Jay Leno, really.

He was quick to tell me he wanted to "own" me. He liked to tie me up during sex. He was quite rough. There was one night he wanted to do something that I didn't like. It hurt. He pressed on anyway. I truly felt raped that night and was afraid for myself but he is 250. I am 105.... so I couldn't really fight back. He gave a lame apology the next day that i was over-reacting and he didn't "really" hurt me... i was fine, so he said.

He wanted 3-somes. I tried, I really did, but I felt that at this point, we were talking about moving into my home together and I really wanted to be "enough" for him. No matter, I knew how he felt; I was determined to please him. I tried to. 2x I tried. But I had a tough time getting past watching him screw other people. Still, I felt I "knew him" better than everyone else, and emotionally (in his heart) he was mine, so what was sex. sex is sex is sex, right? I tried to justify it. He told me he was the happiest man in the world because he would never have to cheat again..... we were best friends, partners for life, and he would never "not" include me. I told him I wanted at least to find the girls... I felt if he found them, he really "liked" them (attracted) and would be too uncomfortable, but at least if I could pick them (heck maybe I WAS bi!) then I could have the comfort level that knowing he liked brunettes I would find blondes, etc.. you know? But I wasn't finding anyone. I guess inside I was putting it off.

He got angry, told me fine let's just be exclusive, I still won't cheat on you, but I never really believed him. I knew what he was about.... but, stupid me, we moved in together into my home and made it "our" home legally.... he got me a diamond engagement ring, beautiful.... $1100 for Christmas of 2007.

After that, there were issues. Issues with money... finances were very tight. He played poker and taught me... and he wanted to go even when we didn't have the money to, to hopefully "win". So naturally things were really getting tight and strained with money.....

He opened up a used car lot. It failed. He blew his entire 401K $20 grand in this thing and it failed. He literally today has about $500 TO HIS NAME in the whole world.

So here's the abusive questions.... please realize that I am probably co-dependent, but I okay'd the rough sex. actually liked it, just not the pain, so maybe he didn't know where to stop, you know?

One night, we went to play poker and came home after drinking and had sex... nothing was ever the same after this night... what happened was he got too rough. He ended up giving me a black eye with 6 open slaps to the side of my face, all in the same place with my crying and begging for him to stop. There were no safe words with him. The next day, he didn't remember doing it, apologized and told me he would never hurt me deliberately, and that he would never touch me again.

Two days after that, I am still hurt, sore and angry, and he chuckles in a joking way, pinches me and says, "you liked it.... stop it now..."

Invalidating my feelings again. That night when i put my hand up to my face to protect it, the control on his face, in his voice, was eerie. He so calmly said, "Take.. your... hand... down.. now. Do it." When I did, he smacked me over and over in that spot.

What kind of man is this??????

Oh, did I mention he left me 6 times in 3 years?

Every time he left me in the past, he went back to the ex-wife's place. Every damn time.

As a matter of fact, Valentine's Day of 2007 he was sending her the same bouquet of flowers he sent me.

My note said Love you baby

Her note explained in detail that he couldn't be with her, it wouldn't work, but that she would always be his "little baby" and he would miss her forever, love....

This time he tells me he's living with some car guy. I don't believe him for a minute. Men like him don't jump ship unless they have a life preserver. He is SLICK.

The 6th time he left me I definitely saw it coming for months. It was last week and he's telling ME it's over, to add insult to injury...

As time went by this past year, he got increasingly silent, cool and ignoring me. The more I would talk to him (i could feel him emotionally slipping off....) the more angry he got. He eventually invalidated ALL of my feelings, telling me to "grow up", that "hugs and holding hands were for newly dating people and we are solid and a done deal so stop acting 12"..... he stopped saying i love you as much.

EVERY NIGHT he slept with his BACK to me in bed. In the last 3 months of the relationship we had sex 3x if that.

A man like him doesn't go without sex for long. He is very Alpha Male aggressive and horny. He likes rough sex. Never into porn, or girly clubs, but with me he was into duct tape, telling me he "owned" me, and some night would sneak in here and bring a female HE chose to abuse me together. It scared me and I hated that I was not enough for him. I HATED IT BUT I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM. Therein, I was (am) co-dependent.

Now, I put his name on the mortgage of my home, thinking we were going to be married. He bailed, and left me every single bill. I always ALWAYS was the one to pay the mortgage. He put not one penny into it, and promised me if we ever did not work out, he would not take any money from me and the kids out of the house. NOW he says he is entitled to some of the value of the house. We owe $180K - there is only $20 K equity in it, and he wants the $20K! He says he put money into the home. Bull * * * * . He ran up the home depot credit card he had, then filed a bankruptcy on those bills for items he got the for home, so he never paid the bill. He just wants money from me, and legally I'm really scared.

Now I have the engagement ring. I have a $500 offer on it. I'm drowning in bills here and when he emails me he just says he's broke broke broke, living on english muffin pizzas and water and telling ME to change my life... basically blaming everything on me, and telling me to Move on, it's OVER. (good advice....)

But am I entitled to keep the ring and sell it? I can't pay the bills. He has undermined us both by walking out. I am sure he had a place to go. I got a $500 offer on it. I need the money. He abandoned the property and I'm paying his bill.

I'm driving his car. I had a car in my name but he sold it and gave me his. But it was only "given" as long as we were a couple. In otherwords now he's telling me he is being "nice" letting me drive it and i need to get a car in a month or so... (with what? he wants me to call my father who is 90.... how terrible...) So I have to pay the mortgage to keep the house afloat, i barely can, and if i miss one payment i know he will come take the car asap. I'm in such a bind here and as usual all he cares about is HIMSELF.

He once told me that he doesn't even want the responsibility of a goldfish for a pet, much less me, and that he wanted a "mature, intelligent, and sophisticated" partner, of which I was none.

I was emotional, I hit him a couple of times out of RAGE. Funny thing is, he never ever hit back out of anger. Only hit me that one time in 3 years. So who is the abusive one?

I just couldn't take him telling me to "go away, shut up, wash the car, brush the cat, do ANYTHING but bother me with your feelings and needs".... it hurt so much. I feel so "tricked"!!!!!

There's so much more, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I feel so STUPID now for trusting him with so many things, for putting my life into his hands only to be the one who got rejected!!!!!

Do you think he will leave me alone ... I actually was writing asking him to come home because I am having financial difficulty and for whatever co-dep reason, I miss the good times. We always remember the laughter, dimples, smiles, and hugs from the beginning years, I guess.

But he's telling me in no uncertain terms we cannot do this any longer and IT IS OVER. So if I write back good enough, then do you think he will leave me alone???? Maybe it's for the best.

And he keeps advising me on what I need to change, how we don't mix because "you like to make cookies for christmas, i like to drink beer" and telling me to watch out for men and not go into a bar to meet anyone.... i really don't need his advice, you know?

Anyhow, if I agree and say GOOD it's OVER bye... with a man like this do they re-contact you over time? Because once I get by this, I would rather not have that looming in the back of my head.

The day he moved out, he was already so mentally checked out for months it didn't matter. I said do you even care if we don't make it? He said "no, not really". That did it for me. Here I was investing so much wasted energy in a man who didn't even care ?

So we had a verbal fight, he left for what i thought was a 10 minute cooling off period, and he came back with the POLICE to get his things.

like he needed protection.....

I'm so tired, drained, sad, confused..... somehow even at the end, he has the upper hand.

Can anyone tell me how I can regain it? What kind of personality disorder he has.... I see a little CP... and mostly mental/EMOTIONAL ABUSE. The physical, while there, was only during sex, and only sometimes, not often, whereas I hit him and hurt him in anger.

I need advice, please. sorry so long, and please don't think I was a basket case for staying with him. He was the head of the house here and I really loved him the way Edith loved Archie, I guess. I know, STUPID.

But he keeps telling me NOW in emails to get BACK WITH MY EX! Why would he do that? To get himself off the hook? I really take offense to that. Just because he does that each time, doesn't mean I want to backtrack to my old ex.

I just want him to stop playing advisor now that he's gone.

He is making everything "my" fault, telling me he came back 6 times and tried harder than any other man ever did with me, but I couldn't or wouldn't change the things I had to change, that I was on the computer too much, didn't listen to him, and I basically am at fault for most of it because he stuck around like a trooper.

bull.

He underplays the things he did to me.

And I was/am so co-dep that for whatever strange reason I have been trying to convince him to come home. Money, ego, I don't know why. I know he doesn't love me so i guess what should my final email say to him?

He sounds abusive and controlling, plain and simple. One thing that touched home was that he slept with his back to you. I always sleep with my back to my bed as I always sleep on the left side of the bed but on my right side...it's just how I sleep. However if he is doing this to show he is mad then it's controlling.

As for the ring, I would say you are probably not entitled to it, but this is a grey area. I believe the ring is given as a "contract" with the basis being that you end up married, since you are not married then you may have to give the ring back.

He may recontact you over time, but if I was you, I would stay away.

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Do not go back with him. I also think you should talk to a lawyer. He can't leave you in the lurch financially like that, even when there were verbal agreements.

I think you should go NC because, as you admitted, you are co-dependent, so talking to him could make things worse for you. You need to stay strong and on your own for now. Do whatever you need to do get your life back together first.

Holy jesus this is the most disturbing thing i have ever seen anyone write about on ENA...

please for the love of god leave while you still can

oh my god i think i am going to throw up...

Why is that?

Why is that?

did you READ that!?

For some reason (and i am not squeemish) the visual of a man smacking a woman around during intercourse until her face splits open and her eye turns black is sickening, and then to think that when she tried to protect herself next time from being hit on her cut he told her to take her hand down and then smacked her around some more. and then told her she liked it!

this guy is a sick SICK (insert explitives) !!!

whats worse is how downplayed this whole situation is

First off, you are NOT an abuser! You are actually docile, I would have BASHED this ahole long before you ever did!

Your fault comes in the fact that you trusted this jerk!

This is a seriously disturbed man!

What you need to do is contact a lawyer and have NO CONTACT and I mean NO CONTACT with this guy again. You also should get some therapy to work on your codependency.

Your need for love makes you easy pray. You need to learn to love you.

You made some really bad choices here with being with him and putting him in the house deed, but all these choices can be undone.

Whether he loves you or not doesn't even matter at this point. What matters is you don't love you.

He's a sick sick person so please stay away from him

He controls you so much that you see him as whatever he wants you to at any given moment.

You are like his toy, he doesn't sees you as a person but a possession he has full control over.

He enjoys making you feel worthless, he worked hard on taking everything away from you and that's why he still plays around like with the police episode, to the world you are the one who is ruined, shocked and destroyed, the one who has no control over her life, emotions and finances, that's exactly how he wants it to seem and that is how it's going to look if you don't do anything.

He is now the victim, you stalk him, he pushes you away and nothing is enough for you because you are obsessed, all he did was try and work hard but he has given up and even now, even after everything he still tried to give you advice to how your life could be better now he won't be there to help.

Do you see what he's doing?

You need a lawyer and you need to think carefully about what proof you have of the abuse he subjected you to.

I don't think you abused him that one time you said you hit him but I'm not a judge and I have no idea what consequences his allegations could have.

Don't try to follow any plans, don't try to test what actions could cause a reaction just LEAVE, cut all contact and find a therapist, a lawyer and people who could support you emotionally.

he's got to be either a complete psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist. i want to lean towards psychopath and sociopath though.

no empathy, high sense of self worth, cares for no one but himself. . . . and it seems like he has no moral code whatsoever. this man is downright dangerous imo

did you READ that!?

For some reason (and i am not squeemish) the visual of a man smacking a woman around during intercourse until her face splits open and her eye turns black is sickening, and then to think that when she tried to protect herself next time from being hit on her cut he told her to take her hand down and then smacked her around some more. and then told her she liked it!

this guy is a sick SICK (insert explitives) !!!

 

whats worse is how downplayed this whole situation is

Of course it's appalling. I didn't know why you posted that -- to the OP or the posts after, that's all.

I don't think I downplayed the situation. I tried to be practical. The OP knows what her situation is, she knows it's bad. She wants to know how to get out of it.

hm. thats just the way i felt at the time. technically its not really advice.

anyway i dont think the OP realises the true gravity of the situation. practically speaking she is probably at a point where this kind of abuse is normal to her, and only mildly unacceptable or 'wrong'

she has obviously been heavily manipulated and after so long with this kind of lifestyle she is even turning on herself thinking SHE is the abuser.

these arent simple 'just go NC' problems, and this isnt some little boyfriend spitting in her face. Its ALOT more ingrained than that and its on a much more serious scale.

The other side to the story is that he told me i was "high maintenance", it was my fault my relationships didn't work out, and how hard he tried.

He also hated it, detested it, when i talked to my friends about us, or him.

He just became like a dead object to live with the past 6 months, because that is how he treated me, but I don't know why. i think he realized he didn't want to marry me and didn't know how to get out of it because of the house and ring.

I think the ring is mine, because he broke it off, and left me here with bills I can't cover! What am I supposed to do about that, not take the $500 and sell it because he might "want it back"? Not pay bills... like i should save it for him or give it back to him for him to get them money and pawn?

At this point, I am sleeping better than I have in months, and just trying to figure out if I was the bad guy here and was the abusive demanding one, or if he was.

I know I shouldn't have hit him that time. And I know I yelled. But the frustration of being rejected and treated like an object by someone you put yourself into, was unreal.

He also raised himself in a section 8 neighborhood of boston basically... his mom worked 2 jobs. he grew up in Lynn which is a BAD place.

I was an only child with supportive parents and had some money. i think he stayed knowing i would come into that money.

it just adds insult to injury to see all the true colors after I trusted him.

don't worry. i am not going back. I know i wrote and said i wanted to see if he would come back for many reasons, and yes, i still care about him, but it's more like the pain of rejection from him AFTER the abuse I tolerated.

I should have been the one to leave! I feel like he "got me again".

I think she understands the gravity since she had the courage to post her story.

She realizes she is co-dependent, which is a great step. I also think she should seek legal advice if she can afford it.

No offense, but I just wasn't sure what you meant with that response.

he only "got you again" if you keep letting him penetrate your life.

Cut all ties, keep the bloody ring, it's yours and advise him that if he decides to harass you, you will put a reatraining order on him

Don't make excuses for him. You are NOT the bad guy. He is!

I know you KNOW it isn't about you but it still feels that way. You are hardly high-maitenance -- you have gone well beyond the norm trying to please him.

The money thing sounds like a way to manipulate and punish you. Have you read up on NPD? I hate when people do internet diagnoses, but maybe reading up that disorder would help you.

I think she understands the gravity since she had the courage to post her story.

and its wonderful that she did, but as you can see in the previous post she is presenting his side of the story. again and again. as if she thinks perhaps the man has a point to all the senseless sadistic things he's done to her.

"just trying to figure out if I was the bad guy here and was the abusive demanding one, or if he was."

That is a very very skewed vision, caused by months and months of terrible abuse.

Strength6, you arent the bad one in this, no one ever deserves to be treated that poorly. There is something wrong with this man's head, i actually urge you to get a restraining order.

Once you start trying to sever the bonds left i am pretty sure he is going to try and do something drastic to keep his hold on you.

Don't worry about the ring, try to sell it for as much as possible and look for other option to help with the debts.

You are not at fault, that's what he wants you to think and that's why he even wanted to have control over what other people knew of him and your relationship, he tried to cover every aspect so that whenever he felt like making changes everything went exactly the way he wanted.

You are not anything he says, you are a victim and you need professional help to avoid being damaged more.

Just so tired and scared.

He has me questioning really, if i was the one in the wrong.

He said, "you KNEW what I was about when you got involved with me. I was HONEST with you about what I was into. Poker, women, beer, sex, Harley motorcycles.... I told you everything! You told me you could handle it!" (I did)

but i had 2 children, and please hear me out... these kids NEVER saw him abusive toward me. Never. Just arguments sometimes, but never out of the normal range. I share custody so dad had them during the dark times.

He was actually nice to my kids. pushing my daughter on the swing, airplane rides. he was good to them.

So that makes it harder to figure out who the bad guy, who the dysfunctional hard to please, controlling one really is. I think maybe we are just both dominant? Maybe I just couldn't be submissive with him and he couldn't take it? But deep down I am dominant out of the bedroom but sub in the bedroom. and he wanted me submissive all the time. I don't know. I'm really confused. I can tell you that I put my whole heart into this relationship but he wanted things to change, wanted me to sell the house and move with him, wanted me to raise my kids different... and i couldn't bend on those issues at the time but now i am thinking, was i unreasonable, or did i know, subconsciously, that it was bad to listen to him?

i'm just real confused, and again he has the personality of Leno x 100 and he is very funny, fun to be with, charismatic, when he's not being cold as ice or abusive. There were times I would cry, and he would LITERALLY sit and look at me, and start mock-crying with me, rubbing his eyes.

He was never really sympathetic, empathetic.

once i got really sick with the flu. It was awful. He just said "you need sleep". no real help. when he got it 2 days later, I was better. THEN he said, "God this thing is awful! I thought you were just being dramatic!!!" I tried to take care of him but he pushed me away.

I have been told everything that is wrong with me.

lectured,

and now, this guy is TELLING ME how to run my future... telling me to get back with the kids' father. I resent his advice! He just keeps saying "get back with your ex" and I hate that he is saying this. I think he doesn't want me to find someone new because he knew i have no attraction to my ex and he also wants to downplay the position he left me in. ex makes $80K a year so this way I can be "taken care of".

such crap for him to suggest it.

he doesn't see how insulting that is.

And as far as a restraining order. they won't give me one. there is no date on the bruised face picture. it was December 5th. And nobody saw it happen. He will deny it. Plus he is leaving me alone, and telling me to MOVE ON. So he won't keep tabs on me. I just wonder is it safe to assume that.

so confused

strength, you are an absolute submissive. he is an out of control dominant.

And ALOT of what you are feeling right now is what he has successfully manipulated you into feeling.

If his words were bars he has built you a cage. Dont trust that feeling!

Oh my...

This is horrible, I am so sorry. You are not the abuser, please don't let yourself think that. This man is toxic and I hope to god you don't let him come back. I really don't have any advice to give you, I'm in awe that there are such awful people out there

Please, please, please do not go back to this man.

Ted bundy was the same way, funny, charming, respected, and he killed and raped women in his spare time.

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Also to be fair to him, I didn't have my divorce finalized when i got engaged to him and that ate away at him (so he said).

I didn't rush it because the lawyer was backed up, but also because i had health insurance through my husband (I call him my ex. We split in 2006).

So maybe I was wrong? I don't want my husband (ex, whatever) back. We will go through with the divorce in the near future, but I needed health insurance at the time and J told me this was an excuse.... so many times if I was civil on the phone with my husband(ex) he would get angry and say "sounds like the two of you are getting along GREAT!"

Now, he wants me back with him.

Why does he care what I do?

He wrote and told me NO WAY are we getting back together, AND he is living in a shack BROKE and WHY isn't he entitled to the value of the home?

I am still reeling from everything.

How am I the bad guy here? YES there were times he would try to downplay any conversation I would start about the relationship. I KNOW I should have stopped, let things lie. BUT I was never getting any real answers from him and in my gut I felt like he really wasn't 100%... like if I went into a coma tomorrow, could I trust this guy to take care of me. He always said I will take care of you if you lose a leg.

Well, I had two legs, and he didn't take care of me emotionally at the end, AT ALL.

It's always ME making the changes because he couldn't.

Then he got mad about threesomes because he said "you want to be #1 and you can't stand it if you're not #1."

Well, what is wrong with that ??

head spinning. I misplaced my debit card this morning, freaking out, tired, SICK OF IT.

He thinks I'm crazy because there was one short period toward the end I cut myself. I just did it in the bathroom. he said "god you are so sick" and i felt i was.

Since he left, I haven't done it again. no need to.

It was like he would never let me express, or FEEL or validate me. That was worse than anything.

And now he is advising me on how to move forward, but WHY.

This guy is a control freak! He has brain washed you into thinking all this is your fault. It is NOT your fault. You have been physically and mentally abused by this monster.

It is true you have made some choices you now regret but you need to put those behind you and focus on severing all ties with this man.

You should see about getting some legal advice on the mortage issue. You may have a very good chance to prove fraud and deception in getting you to put his name on the mortage. There should be somewhere in your area where you can get a free consult.

Check with you health care provider and see about getting approval to see a therapist. You need one on one counseling to help you regain your life.

I am so sorry this has happened to you but you have it within you to take control back of your life for you and your children.

lost

Some members of the younger generation won't understand this. Many on this board are older and our experiances go beyond High School and College life.

First of all, I can see it in your writing that you still love this guy(because you can't let it go). But you shouldn't. You know this already, I am not telling you anything new. Your goal should be to understand the reasons why you were drawn to him in the first place(write it down) and compare that to the harsh realities of the day to day struggle for your sanity when you are together (also write this down). Realise that the possibility of a normal supportive relationship is an illusion that WILL NEVER COME TRUE with this guy.

Now here comes the hard part, Is that what you want? Or are you the type of woman that has an overriding need to be dominated in all aspects of the relationship, physically, emotionally, sexually? It's OK if you answered yes to this question, alot of women are the same way. I'll get right to the point, You choose this guy, accepted and made his way of life, your way of life. There must have been some excitement in it for you. It's obvious that there was (excitement on your part) because you still want to contact him (your goodbye note, which is really a, HELLO, LOOK AT ME note) don't try to kid youself just deal with the realities of your personality. After this guy your going to find (chose) someone just like him. It is inevitable and IT's OK. Just be careful.