Emotionally Paralyzed Empath

I have been doing a lot of soul searching today. Something from another thread made me stop and take notice of something I have always had difficulty with: expressing my emotions and recognizing my own feelings when I have them.

This has always been an issue. I do eventually understand what I’m feeling, usually after talking with several people or posting somewhere like ENA. But the issue is that when I am hurt or angry about something, I become nearly paralyzed and speechless—which is incredibly off considering I’m quite the talker and can easily help others figure out their own emotions. But when it comes to me, I become very perplexed.

In most of my relationships I am the listener, advice giver. My advice (so I’m told) is very good. People often tell me that I should take my own advice. I often wish I could—but I rarely know what I’m feeling.

I have always wished I could be that person, similar to a couple of my friends who are very in tuned to their own emotions and have seemingly no problems expressing them on the spot and with great clarity. What do I do when something bothers me? I cry. I have cried nearly every day for well over ten years. I’m tired of it. I’m lost. I’m confused.

In my relationships I am often so afraid of losing the person that I don’t say something when I am offended in some way. It’s like I’m in shock that they could even do that. Instead, I am a pathetic doormat. Eventually, I do say something and react, but I always feel so terrible afterwards. AND… it takes FOREVER for me to get there.

Since I was a little girl, people have always left. Friends, boyfriends, etc. I have strong opinions, but when it comes to emotions I am completely ignorant. I don’t know what to do other than therapy. I have done therapy before, but for different things. I think this is an underlining issue I have always had. My fear? If I speak up NOW, they’ll disappear forever and I’ll be alone. Friends and boyfriends. Even family. I guess I have my very own irrational fear.

How do I change it? How do I train myself to respond immediately? Maybe I should talk to my friends and get them to push me so that I tell them what I’m feeling when they sense it. And I’m sure they do!

Additionally, I've found some information on people who have Empath abilities and frankly, after reading the following, I am sure this is me. Question is... What do I do about it?

Some “Symptoms of Empathy”

• Acute senses – i.e. sense of smell, taste, sight, touch, hearing etc.
  
• Acute awareness of the feelings of those around them and feeling deeply for those in pain or suffering
  
• Often easily hurt
  
• Avoidance of conflict where possible preferring to keep things harmonious
  
• Easily startled by noise
  
• Easily moved to tears because of deep feeling
  
• Nervous in crowded situations
  
• People feel safe around them and able to talk to them easily. Even complete strangers will talk to them about personal things without consciously intending to do so
  
• Animals and children love and are attracted to them
  
• Easily affected by the weather
  
• Their greatest gift is to perceive with the heart
  
• They are usually a blessing to be around as they are nurturing and caring
  
• Music and harmony are very important to them. They can lose themselves completely while listening to music that resonates with them.
  
• Water is very beneficial and therapeutic to the empath
  

That is VERY VERY interesting! I am totally empathetic and I match every single one of these points

I wish I could answer your questions, but i am stumped! MY ex lacked totally empathy and I was not sure how to help him.

Maybe it's how you're wired?

Very interesting to me as well...especially because I'm a male, and I have these issues as well. I very rarely experience any kind of anger, so I can't relate with the paralysis you described. After many, many painful experiences (most of them being "left behind" as well...) I'm only now learning how to express my feelings. If you think therapy can help, by all means please do seek it out...I wouldn't wish what I've learned, in the way I've learned it, on anyone...

Very interesting to me as well...especially because I'm a male, and I have these issues as well. I very rarely experience any kind of anger, so I can't relate with the paralysis you described. After many, many painful experiences (most of them being "left behind" as well...) I'm only now learning how to express my feelings. If you think therapy can help, by all means please do seek it out...I wouldn't wish what I've learned, in the way I've learned it, on anyone...

How are you learning to deal with it if not thru therapy?

I am one of these, I've had to change quite a bit to get along in this world.

I am also very empathic. I have yet to figure out how to express my feelings on the spot either. The main reason is the same as yours, I have a very sharp tongue, I know this so when someone says something that bothers me, I have to just walk away, or I know I will leave them in utter shambles.

As in empath that is something you never want to do, you never want hurt anyone or anything,cause you feel their pain as well.

It is not that you are not in tune with your emotions, you are too in tune, you are the emotion, and logical thought to express it clearly leaves you.

As I said I just walk away for a bit. I remember this quote "Anger is just a result of someone not meeting your expectations. If they don't know your expectations, you can't be mad at them"

Your are empathic so stop for a moment, you already know why that person did it, and their reasons. Depending on the person I just let it slide, and remember the above quote. If it is someone I care about or in relationship with, I usually just say "you know when you say or do x,w or z, even though I know it is not you intent it makes me feel like x w or z" This usually works for me.

You wouldn't think that saying that would be so hard, would you? I have an awful time. It's like I am stunned every time. I often do walk away after years of being told I, too have a sharp tongue. And exactly as you say, I don't want to hurt anyone at all.

I recall the feeling of being speachless. I can't express what I'm feeling because I can't get past the situation that just happened and respond.

Oh I still have problems with it, and when they start to probe after I said it, I just have to walk away again, or lie. Cause the truth is sometimes I don't know why I feel some of things I feel sometimes I just do, no reason.

LOL, I don't mean to laugh, just thinking to myself "so there's no reason?" I am all about reasons! I am constantly trying to rationalize my emotions and as you know, emotions are irrational. UGH Ever want to just get out of your own head? I swear, the easiest time I ever had was when I was getting divorced! I hardly thought about what I was feeling at all. I knew by then, after 10 years! LOL

lol i laugh too cause I have to rationalized my emotions too. I must isolate and logically think why I am feeling that way, cause that is what you are use to doing all day to everyone else. It is hard lol...guess i need i help too, maybe i should book some therapy sessions as well

LOL... Who knows. I think just being aware of it in the moment will help. I found the following quite insightful:

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Since I posted in this thread, I cannot stop thinking about it

And at 4AM this morning, I had an epiphany. My ex and i used to fight all the time. I think I broke up with him over 15 times in the 3 yrs we were together.

My major #1 complaint with him was his lack of empathy towards me. He has a great heart but is truly a person who is so emotionally dead, it was scary!

I had two long term r/s before him and not once in either of those r/s (and these two guys really screwed me over) did I ever lash out of feel like I was going nuts.

This last ex made me crazy with his lack of communication and total lack of emotion or empathy so much that I once actually physically attacked him. I lost it when he said such hurtful things to me. I've never in my entire life touched another person, but it's like he was so dead, I needed to lash out to get him to listen to me.

When I went at him, instead of him trying to stop me, he pushed me down so hard, I hit my head on the ground. You could hear how loud I hit my head, I sort of blacked out for a minute. And what did he do? Well he stood over me and said "See what you made me do" He didn't ask if I was ok, Didn't try to help me up and walked out of the house while I was still sort of out of it on the floor!

And again, he didn't leave me. He acted like that fight never even happened!

So after reading this thread and thinking about it, it hit me! I started to think of all the behaviours my ex has and it's like all the pc of the puzzle fell into place.

He was adopted but comes from a family that is cold as he*ll! No one says "I love you", no one hugs and they are all rude and mean.

His ex wife cheated on him and he stayed with her for the whole yr she was cheating. She was a drug user (still is) and would also lash out at him

His ex g/f before me was a drug user and an alcoholic. She would physically attack him to the point he called the police. She also attempted to kill herself.

She was hurting so bad over him and yet when they finally ended it, he would continue to sleep with her. She would beg for him back and he would not take her back.

Then he met me and tossed her aside like an old sock.

When he told me the story about his ex, I would say "How can you use someone that loved you so much? Why not just have NC and leave her alone, I mean she tried to kill herself, was that enough an indication she was in pain?"

He said "you're right, I didn't think of that"

OBLIVIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

When I left him last year for two months, he didn't cry or lose sleep or not eat. He lived like nothing happened. It took him 3 weeks to go out and sleep with someone else.

And on the weekend he went out to sleep with another girl, I had txt him saying "I love you and miss you", of course not knowing he was about to sleep with another woman.

He replied "I love you and miss you" but yet spent the entire weekend with another girl.

I'm not a drunk or a drug user, I come from a very loving family. I'm spiritual and am totally empathetic to life, but I could not for the LIFE of me figure out why, at times, I HATED my ex with all of me.

I would lay in bed and cry in pain over how bad our r/s was and he would just fall asleep

Or when I would confront him and say "I am not loving you anymore and it hurts. I have thoughts of being with other men and am telling you this before something happens, I want us to get help"

He would not answer me and just watch tv. And I would say "DO you not have anything to say?"

He would reply "I'm ignoring you because your feelings are just so stupid"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh! I would want to bash him!

Then he would say "So leave me if you feel that way"

And I also need to point out, The r/s was a mess, No sex, abuse, I became overly critical of him and his family, I came right out and told him I disliked his kids (his kids are a mess), I did anything and everything and he would never leave me.

BUT NOW, this all makes sense. He does not have the ability to feel or have empathy. I think in his case, it was a learned behaviour since his adopted family, including his adopted sister who is NUTS, are all the same.

His kids and his sisters kids all need therapy. Both his nephew's have asberger syndrome which is not a learned behaviour but they are both sick little boys and they won't get them help.

The family thinks, this is their words "they will grow out of it"

My ex's son is 13 and acts 5. He suffers panic attacks and has no social skills and I would raise this with my ex all the time and he would say "He's only a little boy and will grow out of it"

His Mother and Father are the most emotionally dead people I ever met

I have a serious illness and one day his Mom asked me how I was, I told her and in 2 mins of me explaining she said "Ok enough, I am sick of hearing about sickness, you're a hypocondriac"

My ex sat there and did not defend me. He never defends me. But actually defended his mother's words to me!

Wow, I can go and on and about all the realizations I've had in the last 12 hrs. I think I Just needed to share and vent and thanks for reading all this!

It all makes sense now.

And the reason why I still care is because I still care about my ex because we still talk.

Can a person EVER become emotionally connected or are they going to always be dead inside?

I thought my ex was just a jerk, but I see now it's more than that!

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wow!

I'm a writer, a poet and I'm in school getting my cert in naturopathic medicine so I can help others.

I'm always helping others. In fact, I've been saving stray cats for many many years.

I am open to my whole life and people always approach me

I fit this to a "T"!

This is all very interesting!

Summer,

I am so very sorry for the mess you've suffered. I can totally relate to the nights crying in bed to my XH begging him to help change things. His response? First he would just hold me, then promise to change and do whatever it took, then? Absolutely nothing. Nothing ever changed. He wasn't abusive, but he was sexually challenged or dead. Not sure. Even when I ended the marriage he promised to do everything he could to keep me/win me back. What did he do? NOTHING. No joke. Never showed up, never sent flowers or anything, never wanted to meet to discuss things. NOTHING. Of course, by then I was completely done and wanted nothing to do with him. But that he just gave up and did nothing kills me to this day. We've been divorced now 3 years.

Anyway, Summer, why do you think you are attracted to abusive men?

Same with me. When I left my ex, he did NOTHING to win me back and he does NOTHING to try to win my affection.

I did leave him once b/c he got out of control one night while drinking. Told him I made an appoint with a therapist in order to get over him

He calls me 3 weeks later asking to talk to me. I agreed, he came over and told me he is going to AA. He stopped drinking totally! And promised to try to make it better. And he did try!

I know he loves me and would die to lose me for good, but he would just keep that pain to himself and rather than showing vulnerability, would rather lose me

WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think I am attracted to abusive men b/c my ex off 11 yrs was not abusive. The last two yrs were were together, he became unstable and emotionally was abusive in that he was very neglectful.

The guy I was with after him was more of a "good time" that went on too long.

This second dude was 12 yrs younger than me, abused drugs and booze and cheated on me non stop. Later found out he was sexually abused as a child and it created some sort of psychotic character in him.

Now here's the crazy thing. I was not attracted to this young ex or my recent ex AT ALL. Both pursued me like crazy and I ignored them like crazy. I gave in b/c I was lonely and felt rejected because my ex off 11 yrs left me.

My recent ex and I were only friends, and I cared and respected him as a friend. I loved hanging out with him. But he kept pushing for us to be together and I gave in

I care for my recent ex, I love him, but not sure what sort of love it is.

When I picture my ideal man, he is normal

Found this

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I scored a 58

Your score: 58

0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)

33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)

53 - 63 is above average

64 - 80 is very high

80 is maximum

Your score: 63

0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)

33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)

53 - 63 is above average

64 - 80 is very high

80 is maximum

57, but like I said I've had to change quite a bit to get along, I was probably at least 10 points higher and terribly afflicted by my surroundings.

So we're all in the same range!

READY, how did you work on getting less sensitive?

So we're all in the same range!

 

READY, how did you work on getting less sensitive?

I had to stop watching commercial television and even severely limit movies. I filter as much of the input I receive without becoming a recluse.

I had to start letting other people fend (and feel) for themselves. First with strangers, then aquaintances, then friends, and even family of origin. I was always afraid that this would make me a cold person, but really I am still above average for empathy as you saw in my score.

I had to learn how to center myself, take the time and focus until I knew how I felt. I had to learn to put myself first sometimes. lol

I had to learn how to deal constructively with turmoil, I still have trouble with this even when it's just my kids squabbling.

I had to learn that not everyone wants the benefit of my insight. lol

I had to learn that by and large most people do not want to change or grow even if it is very clear to me that they could be much happier.

I had to learn to accept that pain will not kill me, I can go be in the very center of it and feel it's entire intensity and still come out the other side alive.

I had to learn that it's not my job to make everyone socially comfortable (still working on this one too). lol

I had to learn balance and how to take a break from it all and go have some fun.

I had to learn to distance myself from new people long enough to judge if they were healthy for me to be around.

I had to learn that while it's okay to be vulnerable, it's imperative for me to spend a very long time interacting before I trust someone deeply.

But by far the most important thing I had to learn is who I am. Feelings I pick up on will pass but I will still be here when they're gone.

Sometimes it's hard for other people to understand how overwhelming it can be to suddenly "tune in" to another's feelings. There are many empaths who become quite gruff and standoffish, hard as nails on the outside to protect themselves. Another empath can always tell who they are on the inside.

READY!!!!!!! Wow x 10000000000000!

you just described me perfectly!

Especially the one where you say "not everyone wants to hear my insight"

I never thought being too empathetic was harmful, but now I see it is.

I mean it when I say, this thread and both you ladies have really taught me something here and opened my eyes.

It's a beautiful thing when you can be open to change

Hehe... it's kind of funny. I went through the little quiz and noticed how many of the changes that I had made in order to improve myself has had the effect of lowering my empathy value

Hehe... it's kind of funny. I went through the little quiz and noticed how many of the changes that I had made in order to improve myself has had the effect of lowering my empathy value

Exactly, as I answered the questions I could tell I was futher into the middle two columns as a result of my changes.

How very intresting. I am always struggling with not wanting to change who I AM to suit another. But it appears it's something I need to do, even if on a smaller scale.

hm. did i miss the part where empathy isnt a normal human ability?