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Thread: Completely confused! To break up and move out - or stay together and move out...

  1. #1
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    Completely confused! To break up and move out - or stay together and move out...

    So, I'm utterly and completely confused and mixed up on what to do with my relationship and my life. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and have lived with him for a little more than 2 years. We're both 28.

    I know that we moved in together too quickly but it was more of the living situation would ideal (my lease was up on my old place and I didn't have many options of where to go at the time) than that we decided we were ready for that next step. We actually have another roommate that lives in the apartment so it's not like it's just us, and we each have our separate rooms so there is space, but essentially, we are in a live-in relationship.

    Things were pretty good for the first year of living together but over 8 months to a year we've been having some issues in the relationship that have become more intense and harder for me to deal with than in the past. He drinks a lot, and while I'm not sure he's an die hard alcoholic, his relationship with substances isn't exactly textbook healthy. He does not show as much of his emotional and romantic side to me as much as I would like and I doubt that will ever change. I'm not in a rush at all to get married, but I do want to get married one day down the road (I think, who knows) and he says that he never would unless a woman "forced" him to, which sounds horrible and not something I'm interested in doing. On top of this, he keeps talking about how he wants to move accross the country and the only thing really stopping him is that he doesn't have any money, at all (this also means what we do on dates/activities/trips together has certain limitations, but I am understanding about that.)

    Some days, like when he's been on some alcohol bender, I think that I can't deal with him anymore and that while I care deeply for him as a person, being in a relationship with him is bad for me and takes me on an emotional rollercoaster that I can't be on anymore. Other days, he's sweet and caring and we really enjoy our time together. The past month it's all kind of come to a head and we had a few very bad days together (he came home drunk with a bloody face and we got in a huge fight, etc) that prompted me to fly hundreds of miles away at the last minute to see my family and get away from him for a few days. When I came back, I kind of wondered if he would make some sort of plea towards me to stay with him and that he'd work on the issues we have but I got nothing in the way of a reaction. I never get much of a reaction from him, my impression is that he is content with the relationship, for whatever reason even though it's clearly not super great right now, but he probably wouldn't care too much if I just dumped him flat out.

    The past few weeks have been so stressful that I've begun to think about moving out into my own place, which I can afford to do now, even if it would cost nearly twice as much. I don't know if I should just take the plunge, break up with him and move out, or just move out and see if we can work on the relationship that way. The other option of course is just to stay in the current situation and see if it improves. I have talked to friends about this and they agree that I should probably at least move out, but that I should take more time to think about it. To me, I'm just ready to make a decision NOW and move forward but it's proving so difficult. The idea of getting my own place is growing on me (my own space I can keep clean, I can get a cat that wouldn't be allowed in the current place, etc) but the idea of taking that first step terrifies me because I don't know if I'll make a huge mistake and regret moving out. I've invested 3 years and I don't know if I'm going to do the right thing.

    Any advice or insight? Sorry this was so long Thank you in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member alli's Avatar
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    I would consider relationship counseling. Moving out or not... that is your own choice. I've heard some people get along much better when they don't live together, but if it were me, I would wonder how it would ever work out if you only get along when you aren't living together... so does that mean that we could never live together? Seems like a brick wall in the road to me. Also, him not ever wanting to get married would be a deal-breaker for me, but you don't seem too concerned about it. I don't think I would stay with someone for 3 years if I knew they didn't ever want to get married. It's up to you. It might be a good idea for you to move out on your own.

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    Thanks for replying. I really doubt he would go for the counseling idea, though I think it would really help. I think I will ask him though as I think it's come to that point where we need some help like that. As far as marriage, I know what you mean about it being a deal-breaker, so I should probably consider that more seriously, especially after 3 years together and our age. It just has never been in a the forefront of my mind though I don't think I want to be in a LTR for life if I'm not married to the person. His reason for not wanting to is that he has never known anyone in a good marriage, and while I don't know that many people either in happy marriages, I still think I want to try it one day, ha.

    I agree and think that if I move out, it may be the end. I think that's what I'm having to come to terms with and is making it so difficult. I'm horrible at ending relationships if there's not a cut and dry reason even if I know it's for the best. In any event, I am thinking that moving would be best, even if we stay together, I can get my own sanity back for a while and feel like I have some control over my life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member alli's Avatar
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    I'd say you have plenty of cut & dry reasons for ending the relationship if that is what you decide. Even if you didn't have any "good" reasons, it would still be your choice.

    A willingness to compromise and put effort into the relationship is what makes or breaks a marriage (at least, to some extent). If he is unwilling to work on your relationship now, you have reason to believe that he would be unwilling to work on a marriage later, if he ever changed his mind.

    I know people that have good marriages. Yes, definitely not everyone.. but I know it is possible. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

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