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My boyfriend said something that really made me mad.


CoCo2009

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I'm unemployed because I was laid off in October, my boyfriend decided that he wanted to help me pay my debts off and for us to start saving together and try to get a house to rent out when we get more money and save more. Yesterday though he said something along the lines of he is helping me to pay my debts down until I make more money to be able to pay them on my own. He said that in the future if he is making extra money and he wants to use some of it to make a purchase large or small he should have the right to do that. He is basically saying he wants his money separate now I guess. I basically flipped out because now he is changing up what he is saying. All he is saying now to me is obviously he cares about our future because he is using all his money to help me keep my good credit in good standing by working and giving me all his money right now. But I'm thinking about our future while it seems like he is just doing it for now and then when he gets extra money is just going to be spending on whatever he wants. What kind of relationship am I in? One minute he wants to help then I find this out? I'm so tired of this crap. He keeps saying that I should be grateful that right now he is giving me all his money to help pay my debt while I'm unemployed. I don't even know what to think anymore.

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I don't feel like he is obligated to help me, and I have helped him in the past and he even asked me to put something on one of my credit card and he would pay it off....what I mean is that he isn't thinking about a future. His credit is a mess and I want to help him get it together....he is acting like after all these years of being together he still wants everything to be separate. When are we ever going to make an effort together? We have been together for almost 7 years..I thought he would want to make an effort together? I'm wrong? He's going to be 30 this year when is he going to grow up?

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I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He doesn't have to help you do anything. He can spend his money on anything he wants. I think it says a lot about him if he is willing to help you pay even a tiny bit of your debt.

 

I agree.....

 

The money he earns is his, to do with whatever he pleases.

 

When you are married, or start playing house with him....that is when you could grumble about his lack of contribution financially.

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Coco it's the same I said on your last thread--if things are always so tense with you guys, what makes you think he'd happily & willfully take a next big step with you if things are always walking on eggshells? You are not married. You do not have to combine things yet. I don't care how long I'm with someone--if we aren't married, money is staying separate.

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I don't feel like he is obligated to help me, and I have helped him in the past and he even asked me to put something on one of my credit card and he would pay it off....what I mean is that he isn't thinking about a future. His credit is a mess and I want to help him get it together....he is acting like after all these years of being together he still wants everything to be separate. When are we ever going to make an effort together? We have been together for almost 7 years..I thought he would want to make an effort together? I'm wrong? He's going to be 30 this year when is he going to grow up?

 

Look what that shows....He has bad credit and yet he is trying to help you from getting sucked like his........

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Your bein unreasonable, but how abotu a comprimise, it is natural for him to want to bu ywhat he wants with money he earned.

 

What if you start a joint accoutn when you get a job, and a percentage of both your earning go there, this will pay for bills, food ect.

 

The rest well, is yours to spend or on difficult months put towards bills ect. Communication is key, flipping out sovles nothing.

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What kind of relationship am I in? One minute he wants to help then I find this out? I'm so tired of this crap. He keeps saying that I should be grateful that right now he is giving me all his money to help pay my debt while I'm unemployed. I don't even know what to think anymore.

 

HE should be wondering what kind of a relationship he's in - giving you all of his money and then you get mad if he wants to spend some on himself. What do you mean "One minute he wants to help out and then I find this out?" He still IS helping you out, just letting you know that in the future he's going to want to spend some of that money on himself. Not wrong at all. I don't care if he's your boyfriend, he doesn't owe you a cent.

 

You should be grateful. Very much so. What would you think if he didn't help you out at all?

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There is nothing wrong with even married people having separate accounts for their money.

 

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. The gesture he has made to help you is commendable - he doesn't HAVE to do this at all.

 

GIven your reaction if i were him i'd be getting my money out in a separate account immediately.

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I agree.....

 

The money he earns is his, to do with whatever he pleases.

 

When you are married, or start playing house with him....that is when you could grumble about his lack of contribution financially.

 

well we do live together. I mean I don't know. He did mention that I was being ungrateful because he needs his money to pay for things but he is giving it all to me. I appreciate that, I am not saying thats not great and I know he doesn't have to do it, but what about the future for us? Whenever he feels like he is tired of helping he will just stop whenever he feels like it. I don't know whats going on with him. He is just so freaking confusing. I hate being confused and not knowing where things are headed.

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In life, you have to take care of yourself. So what if he said he would pay off your debts? You cannot rely on someone else to get you through your toughest times, even when they offer. It would be nice, but it doesn't always pan out.

 

Your resentment towards him is rude, immature, and going to cause him grief if you express it to him.

 

I know it's hard and you probably are so panicked over your financial ituation, but spend your energy on finding a job. It will feel better in the end.

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Coco, it sounds to me like you feel like you can't predict him--one minute he's ok helping you, but he's also pointing out that it's still HIS money and in the future he will spend it as he pleases. It's almost like he wants to help you but doesn't want you to feel like you should be entitled to his help, or that you should expect that you will always have a say in how he spends his money. Is that right?

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And as for holding the future over his head and thinking it should determine his actions with his money right now:

 

My ex wanted a ring. She wanted me to save for it. If I bought 2 games or some CDs, she'd say "I thought we were going to save?" WE? I paid for everything we did, now I have to ask you if I can buy 2 games, the only thing I've bought for myself in the last 4 months? She says "Well, we'll be married someday, and this is going to change". I told her I'm going to die someday too, but that doesn't mean I have to do it now.

 

As for the confusion - don't let the fact that he's going to want to help you less financially (he didn't say he was cutting you off completely unless you were making your own money, right?) dictate your entire future. That's totally unfair.

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well we do live together. I mean I don't know. He did mention that I was being ungrateful because he needs his money to pay for things but he is giving it all to me. I appreciate that, I am not saying thats not great and I know he doesn't have to do it, but what about the future for us? Whenever he feels like he is tired of helping he will just stop whenever he feels like it. I don't know whats going on with him. He is just so freaking confusing. I hate being confused and not knowing where things are headed.

 

SOunds to me like you are insecure and unreasonable. I don't think he has given you the impression that just because he has his money in his own account that he is going to go running up debts and charges with it. You sound like his mother who has no faith that her son will make decent money decisions if he is no longer managed by mommy.

 

In other words, you sound like you have no trust in him and are assuming that if he has his own money in his own account he will no longer pay his bills and just be frivolous.

 

YOur reaction is crazy and if i were him and saw this reaction i'd yank my money out immediately and make it separate much quicker.

 

This is ironic because you say you are so confused by him yet it is your reactions and behavior that are confusing (and alarming), not his.

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When are we ever going to make an effort together? We have been together for almost 7 years..I thought he would want to make an effort together? I'm wrong? He's going to be 30 this year when is he going to grow up?

 

 

It sounds to me that he is making a huge effort "together" by helping pay off your debt at a time when it sounds like you aren't making any significant income to help. He sounds plenty "grown up" to me, i'm willing to bet other men his age would be less willing to shell out money to help out like how he is.

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HE should be wondering what kind of a relationship he's in - giving you all of his money and then you get mad if he wants to spend some on himself. What do you mean "One minute he wants to help out and then I find this out?" He still IS helping you out, just letting you know that in the future he's going to want to spend some of that money on himself. Not wrong at all. I don't care if he's your boyfriend, he doesn't owe you a cent.

 

You should be grateful. Very much so. What would you think if he didn't help you out at all?

 

I don't think you understand. What I am saying is is that I am giving all of my unemployment money to the household as well. I'm not just sitting here with no money coming in. What I am saying is is that we live together and when two people are living together they should atleast put there money together to make sure all the bills are paid instead of saying okay I made more money and I can blow it on whatever. Thats irresponsible and selfish. I have never done that and I would never do that. Do you understand what I'm trying to explain?

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Coco, it sounds to me like you feel like you can't predict him--one minute he's ok helping you, but he's also pointing out that it's still HIS money and in the future he will spend it as he pleases. It's almost like he wants to help you but doesn't want you to feel like you should be entitled to his help, or that you should expect that you will always have a say in how he spends his money. Is that right?

 

Even if that is all true, her reactions are still inappropriate. I don't blame him for making it clear that i might be helping now, but i am not planning on doing this forever.

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