Caught girlfriend cheating - Your opinion would help so much

Hi all, I'm glad I found this site because I could really use some advice.

I'm 29 years old and have been with my girlfriend (age 30) for 2 1/2 years. I recently learned that she had cheated on me with an old friend of hers who was visiting from out of town. It took me almost a month to prove it after initially suspecting it, but I eventually got her to admit it after all the evidence was there. By this time the guy she cheated on me with had already left town 3 weeks ago. I know for sure that she was exchanging emails with him this time and talking to him on the phone. So it was clear that she still had feelings for this guy right up until I caught her and it wasn't just a short term fling.

Prior to her cheating, our relationship was in a bit of a rut but not to a point where we would break up. I've always been one of those people who said if I ever caught a partner cheating on me, I would leave them without a second thought. Once I found out my girlfriend cheated on me, my mind was made up and it was an easy decision to kick her out of my house and break up with her. But it was much harder go through with it than I thought it would be.

She cried and almost had a nervous breakdown. Unless she is a professional actor, I am convinced that she is remorseful and regrets doing it. Or at least regrets hurting me anyways. She was a wreck and I found myself feeling guilty for breaking up with her. There's no logic to that and I don't know why I feel that way when she was the one who hurt me. In tears, she kept begging for me not to break up with her and kept saying that she could make it work with us.

I'm convinced that if this other guy had never gone home to another continent, she would have left me for him. She denies it of course and says that it was a stupid mistake and that she can't imagine her life without me.

What should I do? Any advice would be so helpful. Of course I'm extremely hurt and angry. I think we would have ended up getting married if I had never learned of her cheating on me. I love her and care so much for her well being (I didn't even yell at her when I found out), but also don't want to live my life wondering if she's out there cheating on me again. If we got back together, I don't want to keep her on a short leash because she would eventually become miserable and we'd have a whole set of other problems. I think life is too short to be with somebody who has cheated on you, yet it hurts me so much to see her like this.

Does anybody have an opinion here?

Thanks in advance

like the old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater". The trust is broken. Do you really want to go the rest of the relationship with the thought in your head thinking "what if" she does it again? is it worth the risk?

i'm like you. I would leave a cheater without thinking of giving them a second chance, regardless of how remorseful they are.

don't want to live my life wondering if she's out there cheating on me again. If we got back together, I don't want to keep her on a short leash because she would eventually become miserable and we'd have a whole set of other problems. I think life is too short to be with somebody who has cheated on you, yet it hurts me so much to see her like this.

I can guarantee you will be always wondering what she is up to everytime you call and she don't answer her phone or if she is late from work, shopping or whatever. I understand you love her, but what price are you willing to pay for your misery?

If she cared a hoot about you then she would have never cheated...all the blubbering is only because she was caught. Disloyal people are not worth two cents to rub together....I feel so bad for you.

Question is what does your gut feelings tell you? Personally, if anyone ever cheated on me and I found out about it, that moment with me would be their last one...I would dump someone right on the spot.

My best wishes to you ....here is a hug...!

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and can't imagine the pain.

Unfortunately someone who decides to cheat is so caught up in their own little world, that they can't see the consequences until it's too late. They also fail to realize how they "sucked the life" out of their partner by taking away something as important as "trust", which carries a high price tag.

Some people are able to work through it, and gain it back, others are unable to, no matter how hard they try.

All I can say is to give it time, and decide what's best for you, as it's not an easy journey.

All the best...

Well... how about I give you my situation right now and you can see how you feel about it.

My boyfriend and I have been dating since 8th grade (5 1/2 years) currently we are in a 2 hour long distance relationship ( 2 hours is a long time when you can never see each other! ). Anyways, so, like immature kids, we've broken up numerous times throught out the years over stupid things, but we really love each other so we always end up back together. We always said we'd never cheat on eachother, never screw around, blah blah. But the past 2 years of high school there was a lot of screwing around, though never cheating, until this past summer. He cheated on me with a girl, and I suspected it the whole time, but didn't actually "find out" until about 3 months later. And the only reason I found out was because I knew deep inside my heart that something was up, and I cheated on him too, which he found out about. So we broke up, fought a lot, cried to each other a lot, and needless to say, now we are back together and honestly, we are better than ever. Although we both really messed up, I really think it helped both of us to see what we really have with each other.

I'm not saying to get back with your lady, but situations like these aren't always completely bad. Mine turned into a really positive thing.

Let that ho go.

Well, you and your guy are a bit younger and still testing the waters and seeing whats out there, plus you had a ldr, which made your situation a bit harder.

The poster is a bit older and his gf is older than him from the way I am reading it.....anyway when you are an older adult person they should have enough experience to realize that it's just not a cool thing to do if your in a committed relationship....it's called, "maturity". Anyway, if a person wants to mess around they should end the current relationship and then move on...cheating is unacceptable....and it could cost you more than your willing to pay....STD's, AIDS/HIV, pregnancy.

People also should think of the other person's feelings...cheating is a selfish act because it shows the person is only thinking of themselves.

well, how forgiving are you? how much work are you willing to put into this?

i used to be one of those people who said the same thing: if my s/o cheated on me, i'd kick them out without 2nd thought. it's so much harder to do. my ex cheated on me and i just couldn't let him go, so i stayed. however, i never let it go no matter how much i tried. i tried to work it through with him, but i'm not a forgiving person. i still haven't fully forgiven him and it's been over 2 years. (we broke up last year).

however, i think it can be patched. the thing is, cheating is a process. it's not just like oops, ONE bad judgement call. it's an effort, a pursuit of another person behind your back... and continuing this relationship and and effort of hiding this from you... lying to you, keeping you there.

i've known couples who have healed from this... i would give it a shot, personally, because i'm the kind of person who wants to stay until the ashes have settled.

If you were in a rut, anyway, it sounds like both of you sensed that there were issues, but they hadn't reached a point that you would break up or deal with them head on.

I definitely think that relationships can survive and grow stronger after cheating. But, it takes a lot from both of the couple. It will never be the same again, but it could be better, if this is what you both truly want. Sometimes, people want each other because they're afraid to move on or to be alone.

I think you should think about your feelings for her, and whether you could really see yourself with her. If you want to try to make it work, I think you should. But, only if it's what you want, and not out of guilt or habit, or lonliness.

People say "once a cheater, always a cheater." But, it's not always true.

Well koffee. You were in a rut. And you want to know if you should possibly give her another chance. First you need to do something for her. You have to guarantee that you will never be in a rut again. Wait a minute. You also have to guarantee that SHE will never be in rut again. She cheated on you, and if you take her back she will do it again. When she is begging you, what's going through her mind is. " I can't be dumped until I find someone who will fill the hole that koffee leaves. I just need a little breathing room. If I can just get my foot back in the door and be real contrite he will take me back. At least until I can find someone else.

OK koffee, here is the part that will clinch if for you. And guys have a great imagination. She came back to you the day she cheated on you. She did everything with this guy. I MEAN EVERYTHING. She had not had sex with anyone else in 2 1/2 years (that you know of). She held nothing back. Her mouth was on every part of his body. AND I MEAN EVERY PART OF HIS BODY. There was not a single inch of his nether regions her tonge missed.

Afterward she was not guilty. She didn't come back to you crying. And begging forgiveness. She came back to and gave you a big french kiss. And while she was doing this. In the back of her mind she was giggling and thinking, "I wonder what he would say if he knew he had just given my friend head and ATD's by proxy. He would absolutely freak.LOL"

Does that clarify the situation at all. In fact if I were you. I would propose that exact scenario to her. And say. Whenever I look at you from now on. The first thing that will come to my mind is you going down oh him with a big smile. I think that will pretty much settle it for you, don't you think?

 

People say "once a cheater, always a cheater." But, it's not always true.

agreed .

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You do not need this woman or her emotional garbage in your life.

She's being self-centered, and isn't concerned about you at all. If she was, she wouldn't have went behing your back with this other guy. I think the only reason she's crying and saying that she wants to be with you is because she got caught, and this guy is on another continent, making it hard for her to go be with him.

Honestly, you don't need to torture yourself with this, wondering what she's doing, and obviously she's not too happy with the relationship. So grant her wishes and dump her. She doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be in a bad relationship like that.

I'd say in this case, its pretty true. Like the OP says, im pretty sure if the guy hadn't left, she'd probably be with him right now.

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior... My bet is that she will likely cheat on you again. HOWEVER, I'm in the same boat as you...wanting to forgive someone that cheated on me. if you can TRULY forgive, and the BOTH of you genuinely want this to work (I get that you do, but I'm not 100% convinced that she is), it could work, but counseling would be a MUST.... individual on her part and couples counseling as well

Good luck in whatever you choose...

Thanks for replying everyone, your opinions are valued. Please keep them coming because I'll be reading this thread for a while.

I forgot to lock my front door 3 nights ago. That was a mistake.

Cheating with someone else, and then carrying on some sort of quasi relationship for a month behind your partners back is not a mistake. Its cold hearted cheating, and what would I do?

Open door, toss Ho outside, slam door.

Shes sorry because she got caught bro. Sorry that its made her look bad, sorry that shes gonna be minus a boyfriend etc. whatever you want to call it. But im betting 100 bucks shes not truly sorry for what she did.

Was is it unprotected sex? Did you get tested for chlamydia, herpes, and any other crud out there.

YIPES! That is a scary thought !

Rabican made a great point - she didn't feel bad until AFTER she was found out. So why are you feeling guilty?

You didn't just throw a cheater out. You threw a LIAR out. Cheating is bad. But lying about it for days afterwards? And only shedding tears after being caught?

You do understand that without your suspicion, she most likely would have NEVER told you about it.

Think about that.

I got one even scarier...over three years ago I was in my six week class training for my new job, which is my current job now. I get the text message and phone call from this guy...well silly me thinking that it's for my now ex because he was supposed to be looking for work...ya right...that's a good one...so I call the guy because I didn't want my then bf to miss a call for a job prospect since he didn't have a phone of his own and was using mine...hummmmmmmmm well this guy bluntly told me your bf love so suck C*ck and is calling the male sex lines.

I was like oh no!..your a crazy person...here I am at my new job all stressed out...I was livid...but, at that time I thought this guy was just trying to start trouble...I mean it seemed so ridiculous I didn't even want to waste my energy to confront my bf about this total nonsense. I knew my bf likes women...hummmmmmmmm or so I thought!

Well, fast forward several years I am on his e-mail and low and behold I see tons of mail from the male to male personals on craigstlist...propositioning to meet guys to do the poop dips....needless to say my jaw hit the ground. Well my ex is a junkie and he used to hang with all guys and most of them were gay with $$ and the other guys who also were supposed to be straight and even had gf and wives before hanging around having sex for $$ or drugs...my ex used to tell me about this, but said he would never do something like this...ohhhhhhhhhhh hahaha...whatever buddy.

Needless to say I am totally floored...I mean if 1 and 1 is 2 then for sure he was doing something too...my lord what is this story supposed to be called, "Dudes for Dope?"

Well, if she cheated, immediately realized it was the wrong thing to do and came clean about it, accepting respoinsibility for it and doing everything to make things work again, I would say give her another chance.

But the fact that she kept it from you (and would've kept hiding it if you didn't suspect), and you had to prove it to her, and she only felt remorseful after the truth came out.... no, I don't think she's trustworthy and you deserve better. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it truly sucks and sometimes we're just so wrong about people who we would never have expected to betray us.

Well, if she cheated, immediately realized it was the wrong thing to do and came clean about it, accepting respoinsibility for it and doing everything to make things work again, I would say give her another chance.

 

But the fact that she kept it from you (and would've kept hiding it if you didn't suspect), and you had to prove it to her, and she only felt remorseful after the truth came out.... no, I don't think she's trustworthy and you deserve better. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it truly sucks and sometimes we're just so wrong about people who we would never have expected to betray us.

I agree with this. I think if she was genuinely sorry, she would've come clean right after it happened and cut all contact with the other guy. The fact that she was being all sneaky and continuing to call/e-mail him tells me she can't be all that sorry and you should re-evaluate giving her a second chance. I'm all for second chances in SOME cases, but you said yourself if he lived on the continent you think she would've left you for him. Is that really the relationship you DESERVE? No.

I think the only reason she's crying and saying that she wants to be with you is because she got caught, and this guy is on another continent, making it hard for her to go be with him.

Agreed, have witnessed truly monumental waterworks and gnashing of teeth upon catching a cheater, and 90% chance it is all motivated by "poor me" thinking, not by any thought for you or your feelings. Only time will tell if she's one of the 10%, but those are very long odds. Would you bet at a casino on those odds if the payout was even money?

I would not stay with this woman. She cheated on you, man! And it's not like it was one drunken night and she came crying to you right after it happened. She kept it from you and lied and only stopped because the guy moved away. She cried and felt "remorseful" because she's embarrassed for being caught. Your relationship being in a "rut" is not enough of a justification for it either. She completely disregarded your feelings. Now she's upset because she is lonely and isn't able to be with you OR him, it's not really because she wants you back. If she valued your relationship that much she wouldn't have cheated on you. You deserve better. Plus, if you stay with her, like others said, you'll never trust her 100 percent again.

Tell her to get her passport in order and you'll pay for her ticket to go be with the guy. Wait a minute. What do you want to bet he doesn't want a woman who would cheat on her boyfriend either. She's a skank.