Gf can't take criticism (?)

I'm kinda at wits end here. I also dunno where to start without rambling on for pages, so let's get to the point.

It's almost impossible for me to bring up (let alone resolve) any relationship issues I have with my gf. Typical scenario: I bring up that something is an inconvenience/seems unfair/whatever to me. She proceeds to say absolutely nothing for a few minutes, and then talk about something else as if I haven't said anything at all.

As if that wasn't already incredibly frustrating (at least an apology, maybe? I'm not hard to please here) if I bring it up again she instantly becomes defensive, generally justifying the most recent occurrence of whatever annoyed me instead of looking at the big picture (e.g. arguing why she was tired so she spilt the milk, when I'm just upset that she spills it every single morning). She then moves on to the "I'm too tired/stressed/whatever to talk about this now" and finally if I push for some kind of constructive response (because I don't seem to get one otherwise) it just escalates. She then proceeds to stay angry for days. All for an "It's annoying when you do X, so could you try not to?" conversation.

I'd assume I'm doing something wrong, but I've generally been really good at this kind of "serious" discussion. Is she crazy? Her justification about getting angry is either "You need to be more tactful" or "I'm used to my ex starting arguments that way". Awesome. I'm not going to be a complete pushover just because her ex was a * * * * * . And it's not like I don't let slight annoyances slide on a daily basis either.

Ugh. Help!

Hmm. Nobody likes to be criticized, especially by their SO. It sounds like you have different styles of resolving conflict. Have you considered trying it her way (i.e., bringing things up only when they're very important [rather than when they just annoy you a little]) and being very tactful about how you do it? How does she bring these issues up with you? What would happen if you imitated her style for awhile?

I doubt if she's actually crazy.

Does she really spill milk every morning?

Well, a huge part in communicating and talking about things is HOW you present them to someone.

Have you asked her how to talk to her? If her ex did it one way, what is the best way to get things through?

ASK her how to communicate because the way you are isn't working. Make her aware that it's not working.

If she's getting defensive, it's because she feels like she's being attacked.

It's a two way street, communication. If she's not receptive, maybe take a look at how you are tlaking to her.

Does she really spill milk every morning?

lol

i wanted to ask.

+1

maybe you could tell her but also e-mail it to her or write it down? so that she can process her thoughts and reply to you.

Keenan - I'm an easy going guy; generally when something I do annoys her, I apologize, then try to hit some kind of compromise. I try to be tactful, but I think she's a little hypersensitive; I've already gotten into a fight with her over asking (with a smile, no less) if her new male friend from work was hot. It's not even criticism, and I've never questioned her fidelity. If I tried it her way (ie not even talk about it) nothing would ever get solved... though I haven't actually tried it.

Space - Haha nah she's good with milk. It was just to point out that the stuff I get annoyed over is stuff I can easily ignore if it happens once in a while; I bring it up when I realize it happens way too often. For example, she tends to change her plans at the last minute without telling me, which is aggravating when the plan is to pick me up at my house.

Asti - I've asked how to talk to her, but she tends to take that as an attack too, same pattern as when I criticize her. And her ex approached those issues much more aggressively than me, pushing her to tears until she decided it was all her fault. It works I guess, but I'd rather not get there.

I know she feels like she's being attacked, it's just really hard for me to find a way to approach any problem without her taking it 100% personally. I've tried coming at the subject from another angle (leading into it from talking about someone else for example) but I get accused of patronizing her. a big problem is that she tends to misinterpret what I'm upset about in the first place... which I only ever figure out once she's already p-o'd.

Does your gf have any forms of ADHD?

Changing plans at the last minute without clearing it with you is very inconsiderate. Are the other things you are complaining about related to her being inconsiderate? In my experience, selfish, inconsiderate people shut down and get angry when you call them on their behaviour...by ignoring the other person or flying off the handle when the other person persists, their goal is to deflect the focus from themselve on to the other person..it is a way of shifting blame so that they don't have to be held accountable for their actions. If her ex had to get tough with her then clearly she has an issue with selfishness and accountability. She is trying to set up a dynamic where if you feel you have to walk on eggshells then you will just shut up and let her behave any way she wants. Not good. The misinterpretation is also a classic ploy of selfish people who don't want to hold themselves accountable. Perhaps her behaviour problems are the reason why her ex is her ex. Yes, she was pushed to tears by her ex because her ex probably wouldn't stand for her crap...so tears was another weapon in her arsenal..the "oh woe is me, look what you have done to me, you made me cry" method of deflecting blame.

Ask her for an example of how you could be more tactful then use it on her. Also, ask her to let you know when she isnt feeling tired or stressed because you need to talk to her, that way there is no getting out of the problem and no chance of being patronising or sounding like her ex... In theory it should work, but in practise.. good luck!

If her ex had to get tough with her then clearly she has an issue with selfishness and accountability. Perhaps her behaviour problems are the reason why her ex is her ex.

CAD, I agree with everything you said except this part, just because we don't really know anything about her ex. He may have been a nice, normal guy who stood up for himself...but he may have been a controlling jerk who criticized her constantly and really threw her off balance.

Daemon, I wonder if you limited your "suggestions" to her behaviors that are obviously inconsiderate (like changing her plans at the last minute), but let the other stuff (like spilling milk) go, whether that would help her to feel less defensive?

How long have you been dating?

CAD, thanks for that reply. For now I'm gonna take my distance, which seems to work best for making her sweet again... while I think about how inconsiderate she really is.

Daemon, I wonder if you limited your "suggestions" to her behaviors that are obviously inconsiderate (like changing her plans at the last minute), but let the other stuff (like spilling milk) go, whether that would help her to feel less defensive?

Haha! Spilling milk was just a metaphor for the basic situation, I usually get a little annoyed and try to turn the situation around when she does small things like backseat drive or whatever.

Oh, and we've been going out for 5 months.

Haha! Spilling milk was just a metaphor for the basic situation, I usually get a little annoyed and try to turn the situation around when she does small things like backseat drive or whatever.

Just as long as you don't cry over it....

Hello!

Interestingly I have the exact same issues with my OH except he's the guy and I'm the girl. We have been together 7 years with a break in the middle though and I've not found a solution yet. More recently though I've realised quite how important it is to be able to address issues (she doesn't always have to agree with you but by not listening she is devaluing how you feel I imagine, least that's how I feel).

One of my friends suggested trying this; When something bothers me about my OH I should mention it in a non confrontational way, at a time that seems appropriate. Then when he reacts (I say when, he always reacts to me..) defensively she suggested I just back down and say something along the lines of "I just wanted to explain why it bothered me so much, never mind". Then walk away. The theory is, he will feel bad for not listening and will come to ask me what's bothering me himself.

The reality could be that he'll not bother and I'll never resolve things but then least I won't waste a lifetime with someone who makes me sad because they don't consider me!

I'll let you know how I get on....

sounds that she is a bit insecure (no idea why or if it is justified), and when you criticize her she sees it as an attack regardless of if the criticism is justified or not.

Her anxiety/fear about it is so strong that she employs two patterns in response:

a) simply to ignore you (and in the meantime probably trying to decrease the anxiety that she is feeling)

b) instead of taking the time to consider if there is some truth to your statement go into 'attack mode'

Both are methods employed by many people to avoid conflicts, because they have not learned yet how to constructively approach a conflict and how to resolve it.

If her ex undermined her confidence so much that she burst into tears, it is somewhat understandable that in the new relationship she is trying to avoid confrontation at all costs.

The thing for you to 'teach her' is that having a conflict/ criticizing her is NOT a measurement of your feelings for her nor for the status of your relationship. YOu have to express that criticizing a specific behavior is NOT equal to criticize/ reject her as a person.

You have to show her it is normal to have differences of opinion and that it is actually beneficial to talk about these and to reach a compromise

klw777 : That's a really great idea your friend gave you, I can't believe I didn't think of it but I'll give it a shot. We'll see what happens.

penelope13: she's definitely insecure. Problem is, she had two boyfriends before: one a complete pushover, the other a total jerk... so basically either she had no conflicts or they were all angry conflicts. I have to show her actual symmetry in a relationship... either that or get out my annoyance some other way.

This is what I did in my last relationship and want to do also in my future ones, maybe you can implement it as well, so far I have great results with it:

We had both very busy lives, so we decided that at least once a week we would either cook or go out to a nice restaurant to talk about us and our relationship. So instead of always blurting it out when we were annoyed about something (something which couldn't be resolved with a short talk), we would wait for 'our' next dinner.

Since we did this every week, we got never stressed about talking about our relationship. The nice atmosphere also diminished a lot of anxiety if there was something to be discussed (often enough there wasn't). Since we also had some time to cool off, by the time we did talk about it, we could do it in a much more 'rational' way rather than being overwhelmed by the emotions of the situation itself.

We often even experienced by the time that we talked we had both come to the same conclusion anyway, regardless of who had annoyed who.

Knowing that we would talk gave us both also the opportunity to think about our own behavior, so by the time we sat down we were usually open to admit if there was a problem.

Daemon - It's funny isn't it, that's exactly what I said when my friend offered that possible solution! I mean, there's no way to know it'll work but it's most certainly worth a try and not something I'd considered previously...going to take a lot of tongue biting though! Good luck with it and let us know how you get on, it'll be useful for future similar issues if it does work!!

Penelope - like that idea, think I may also give that a try Thank you.

This sounds exactly like my girlfriend...I'm curious to know how things have turned out between you two. What has worked for you and what didn't?