Hi all. I am having some issues with behaviors exhibited by my boyfriend's 19-year-old son and I just need to know if I am justified in feeling the way I do or if I am overreacting.
I am almost 30 years old and live with my boyfriend, who is several years older than me, divorced, and has two sons. He has joint custody of the younger one, who I am very close with. Mike, the 19-year-old, lives with us. He doesn't have a job at the moment and is taking a couple classes at a community college. He is very bright and is generally a pleasant young man.
However, Mike is a slob. This isn't leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor or dirty socks under the bed. It's turning our living room into his personal dumping ground (backpack, books, shoes, clothes, guitar etc.), urinating all over the toilet seat, defecating and forgetting to flush the toilet, spilling drinks and not wiping them up, smoking in the house (which he has been told repeatedly NOT to do) and using drinking glasses as ashtrays, burning holes in the furniture, concocting things in the kitchen and leaving food scraps all over the place... I could go on forever. He has also broken numerous things - furniture, dishes, vertical blinds, some of my boyfriend's musical equipment that he has been told time and time again not to touch, our XBOX 360, to name a few. I am guessing that he has cost my boyfriend upwards of $2,000 in damages to his property.
The worst part is Mike doesn't seem to care a bit about his behavior and how it affects everyone. He frequently denies responsibility and outright lies about what he has done.
I know Mike is my boyfriend's son, but he is also an adult, and the fact that he treats the home of three other people as though it is his off-campus apartment makes me frustrated and angry and I think his behavior is over the top even for a young man.
Is this typical 19-year-old male behavior that he will outgrow or is it more extreme than that? I have never seen it in my life and I grew up with four brothers, had mostly male friends through school and two male roommates in college.
Unfortunately (and my boyfriend does NOT know this), this is all causing me to feel some resentment toward Mike, and I am ashamed to admit that, but I hate that I feel uncomfortable in my own home because he makes it look like we are white trash. My boyfriend owns a small business and is very busy and I do a large portion of the cleaning and cooking. I spend hours cleaning up Mike's messes and then he comes home again and BOOM, you'd never know I busted my A$$ all day.
I don't say anything to my boyfriend but I think he senses it bothers me. I worry that it could cause problems in our relationship.
Am I overreacting here or what?
Thanks in advance.
(By the way, I am well aware that since Mike is not my son, I have no pull. I am more concerned with whether or not I even have a right to feel this way.)