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Thread: Ex, then ex, then ex...?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Surrey, England

    Ex, then ex, then ex...?

    I guess Iím writing this more for cathartic reasons than anything else. Some advice would be appreciated though.
    I broke up with a guy, letís call him Jack, about eight months ago for mutual reasons, some being that we lived too far apart (even though weíd been dating for two years) and that we were very different sexually, also that we had very little in common. Only a month later I started dating a new guy, and was really, really happy with him for about five months. After that, things got a bit complicated with my ex, because he was still round my family a lot and (questionably) dating my sister. This brought up a lot of confused feelings for me, whether I was happy that they were establishing a good friendship (at the bare miniumum), whether I felt it was a betrayal etc. My parents were fully supportive of their friendship/relationship as they really liked Jack and even wanted him to marry my little sister. At first I was fine about that, but over time I got a bit annoyed at them constantly talking about how great he was, how he and my sister were so happy, that he was always thereÖ well, it just grated on me. I started to think about him again in a more serious way, because when we broke up there had been little reflection time before I threw myself into a new relationship. Then Christmas hit, and I had to go back home to my family where I spent a lot of time with Jack. Feelings started to come back, especially because I didnít see the new guy for a while, and Jack and I had a really good time just as friends. We talked over our relationship and, perhaps because I was jealous of my sister and maybe subconsciously wanted my parents to be pleased with me (they didnít like the new guy), we questioned whether to give our relationship a second chance. Nothing was decided over Christmas, but I broke up with the new guy because I felt it was unfair on him for me to be debated dating another guy while still with him. He was really upset, and I felt awful, making me think that maybe I should be with him after all. Things got really confusing, while I still had feelings for Jack, I also had developed a really great, close relationship with the new guy who is now my best friend. We can tell each other anything and are really close. Anyway, Jack and I decided a few weeks later to give it another chance (my sister was fully supportive of this). He explained to me that he loved me, but he wasnít IN love with me. I didnít really know what he meant until now.
    Basically, now Iím back with my ex, Iíve remembered all the reasons why we broke up in the first place. I also know what he means when he says he loves me but isnít in love with me, because thatís the way I feel too. Also, we spent so long establishing a friendship with each other that itís quite difficult to go back to being in a relationship. When we say goodbye, he goes to kiss me on the cheek, he is not affectionate anymore, and itís more a brother/sister type relationship! I know that sounds weird, but that is what it feels like. Itís very difficult to get back into the romantic mindset. Also, because I work with the new-guy-now-ex, letís call him Bob, weíre always around each other and are still really great friends. So, Bob came over the other night to watch a few films, and we had a great time. Only because of the snow in the UK (grr) the trains were cancelled and he had no way of getting back. I had to let him stay, maybe because I wanted him to Ė Iím not ready to admit that to myself yet, along with a whole host of other things. We had a cuddle, that was it, but it wasÖnice. Because weíre so close it was nice to feel loved I guess, something that Iím not getting from Jack. I shouldnít have cuddled him, but it was comforting. So now, of course, my mind is completely confused again! Do I break up with Jack and go back out with Bob, when I broke up with Bob to go back out with Jack who I broke up with in the first place only to go out with Bob? See the confusion? I have no idea what to do. I donít want to play games with anyone, Iím not that type of person. I generally do what is best for me, selfish as that sounds, because then at least no one gets hurt and Iím honest with everyone. But in this case, my mind keeps changing as to what I want and who I want that I have no idea. If I did break up with Jack, would I regret it? I reckon the best thing to do would be to remain single for a while. That was the plan originally but that failed.
    Iím so confused. I really have no idea what to do and I come accross as someone thatís playing two men along and not fully committed to either. Which I suppose is true of the second statement, but I honestly donít think Iím playing them. Things arenít right with Jack, I donít know if we can cross the boundary of friendship now that weíve spent so long establishing it. Things are great with Bob Ė if anything, weíve connected even more now that weíre just friends. Does that mean that I should leave it as friends? Or is it that I now have a comparison and can see that Bob was a much better guy for me?
    I donít know. Please, please someone can you give me any advice? Has anyone been in this silly situation before? I donít want to keep changing my mind and messing around.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    I don't think you're in a place to be with either one of them. At this rate, someone is bound to be hurt soon.

    Why not just take some time by yourself, and be single? By staying in this triangle, you're not giving yourself a chance to think straight.

    believe me, there is nothing wrong with being alone for a while.

    Take care...

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