Ok I'm just going to lay it all out on the table.

The reason I know I am having all these problems in my relationship is because I'm afraid its going to fail even if things are good. Everytime I have ever been in a relationship I have been treated bad and this guys comes along and he is nice and sweet despite all the trash talking I do about him here. He tries to do anything to make me happy. I just push him away because I feel like there is no way a guy could be this nice and make me happy. Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect but when it comes to loving me and treating me good he does is it. I feel like if I'm nice to him something will happen and he will hurt me. I feel like something is going to happen and he will hurt me no matter how well things are going. I am sabotaging my relationship so it will fail. I feel like I need to be mean to him to push him away. But when he leaves I hold on to him desperately. What is this about? Does anyone know?

Sounds like a classic case of fear of abandonment to me. As long as you are aware of it then you can change your behavior.

does this stem from my dad leaving when I was a kid you think? I didn't really care when he left but maybe I did and didn't realize it.

Some people fear being too happy. They're afraid because happy people have more to lose. Could that be it maybe?

It certainly could be. If we grow up with absent or emotionally absent parents it is easy to develop this fear that our loved ones will leave us or stop loving us.

Some people fear being too happy. They're afraid because happy people have more to lose. Could that be it maybe?

YES YES YES! I feel like if I get happy then BAM something bad is going to happen so I would rather just be unhappy so that I can't get my hopes up high. I feel like this too. God I want to be happy but I'm too scared. I feel like I can do it but then as soon as I'm about to just let go I get angry for no reason and just pick a fight over something stupid so we can argue and just be unhappy.

does this stem from my dad leaving when I was a kid you think? I didn't really care when he left but maybe I did and didn't realize it.

I had no idea you were feeling like this, this certainly can be one of the reason you act the way you do. Now that you are AWARE of this, you can start working on it and trying to fix it.

Dont push him away, you dont want to lose him over silly fights (that you mentioned in your last post)

Fear of abandonment is a very real thing! How were you pervious relationship with BF's? Did they cheat, abuse you or leave you for unknown reasons?

YES YES YES! I feel like if I get happy then BAM something bad is going to happen so I would rather just be unhappy so that I can't get my hopes up high. I feel like this too. God I want to be happy but I'm too scared. I feel like I can do it but then as soon as I'm about to just let go I get angry for no reason and just pick a fight over something stupid so we can argue and just be unhappy.

I call this "Waiting for the other shoe to fall syndrome". When things seem too good to be true and a part of me cannot believe it's real or lasting. When I let my fear take over I sabotage the relationship and it's self-fulfilling prophesy. Then inside I can say, "I knew it was too good to be true, I knew it couldn't last."

I had no idea you were feeling like this, this certainly can be one of the reason you act the way you do. Now that you are AWARE of this, you can start working on it and trying to fix it.

 

Dont push him away, you dont want to lose him over silly fights (that you mentioned in your last post)

 

Fear of abandonment is a very real thing! How were you pervious relationship with BF's? Did they cheat, abuse you or leave you for unknown reasons?

one ex tried to basically make me a stripper, he said if I really loved him I would let him be my "pimp" and he would split the money with me. Of course I wouldn't do something so disgusting and I don't know why I was with a person like that so he eventually broke up with me because he was a player.. I was cheated on by him and two other boyfriends. Another guy I dated basically just used me for sex, I thought we were going to be in a relationship, he had sex with me and never talked to me again...I don't know why I let those guys into my life but I was younger. My boyfriend now only wants to really just go to work and take care of us and rest. I pick at him when he is trying to rest and tell him he's boring but I know he's tired. I don't know why I just don't go in the other room and read a book and let him relax, I'm always in his face sturring up trouble

what sort of home did you grow up in? what were your parents like? you mention your dad left. how old were you? why did he leave?

YES YES YES! I feel like if I get happy then BAM something bad is going to happen so I would rather just be unhappy so that I can't get my hopes up high. I feel like this too. God I want to be happy but I'm too scared. I feel like I can do it but then as soon as I'm about to just let go I get angry for no reason and just pick a fight over something stupid so we can argue and just be unhappy.

When we aren't high up, the fall doesn't seem as far...

Well at least you KNOW you have a problem, not sure if its abandoment issues or all those old BF cheating or a combo of both?. When I come home & my SO comes home from work, we just want to relax if I had someone nagging at me or in my face stirring up trouble I would get angry too. You need to learn how to control these urges to argue with him. I hope you can get this under control before its too late...ie - him leaving.

Like you said - if he wants to relax - let him. Go into another room & do your own thing...watch tv, read a book, take a bath etc.. Stop the bickering over nothing. This could drive anyone nuts.

Well at least you KNOW you have a problem, not sure if its abandoment issues or all those old BF cheating or a combo of both?. When I come home & my SO comes home from work, we just want to relax if I had someone nagging at me or in my face stirring up trouble I would get angry too. You need to learn how to control these urges to argue with him. I hope you can get this under control before its too late...ie - him leaving.

 

Like you said - if he wants to relax - let him. Go into another room & do your own thing...watch tv, read a book, take a bath etc.. Stop the bickering over nothing. This could drive anyone nuts.

 

I had a talk with my mom and she gave me the same advice. WOW, I think I might have something here. What if I do this and then he cheats on me? Or does something bad after 7 years? I feel like I would just die and be so hurt..I' so scared!

CoCo - ever think of going to therapy? To get these issues sorted out? I mean...7yrs is a very long time to be in a relationship & STILL have these feelings. It might do you some good & get some great results. Couldn't hurt

Are you guys back together now since he broke up with you last night?

Are you guys back together now since he broke up with you last night?

he said he really doesn't want to break up that he wants things to change. He is here right now watching the game and sitting with our dog. What do I do?

how many times has he broken up with you, including last night?

broken up with me and we really broke up 2 times. Times he said he didn't want to be together because of all the fights and then got back together with me like last night, too many like 4

probably more than that, I keep saying I will change and I never do

broken up with me and we really broke up 2 times. Times he said he didn't want to be together because of all the fights and then got back together with me like last night, too many like 4

 

you want to keep going through that?

no, do you think that we should just break up for good because he is a jerk for breaking up with me over and over again?

Can you blame him? I mean you said it yourself you nitpick and fight with him over stupid things ALL the time. Im surprised you guys have gotten back together so many times though.

At least now you are starting to see what you are doing & maybe you can fix this. 7yrs is a very long time to invest into a relationship, we haven't lived those 7yrs with him - you have & only you know if this can "make" it or not.

no, do you think that we should just break up for good because he is a jerk for breaking up with me over and over again?

clearly he thinks breaking up and making up will change things, so he thinks that's a good way to work through the relationship.

clearly you have issues you need to work on but haven't yet b/c you don't feel the need to as long as he takes you back.

you're both trying to fix broken minds with broken minds. it can't work liek that. you both need to work on relationship communication and inner issues.

oh I know, I actually do understand why he broke up with me some of the times, I pushed him until he did it sometimes.

clearly he thinks breaking up and making up will change things, so he thinks that's a good way to work through the relationship.

 

clearly you have issues you need to work on but haven't yet b/c you don't feel the need to as long as he takes you back.

 

you're both trying to fix broken minds with broken minds. it can't work liek that. you both need to work on relationship communication and inner issues.

I always thought him breaking up with me was some kind of way of shocking me into changing but it never works, at one point he told me that I probably take him as a joke because he breaks up with me just to get right back with me again.