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Thread: I dumped him... and now I want him back! Anyone have a similar story?? I'm desperate with guilt!!

  1. #21
    Platinum Member majord23's Avatar
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    I suggest that you take a breath, lose the mindset that everyone is against you and read my post again.

    Are you not in the EXACT same position your ex was in after you ended the relationship?
    But he managed to 'turn it around' so that now it is you that wants him....and you want him badly. He is the one who has the decision to make now, not you....

    Now ask yourself, just how did that happen?
    Just how does the man that you were sure you didn't want to be with, now have you chasing him like there's no tomorrow?

    Answer: He let go, moved on and met someone else.....

    He now has you chasing him....how are YOU going to turn it around?

    Are you going to continually reassure him that you are, and always will be, there for him?
    Or are you going to let go and move on.... Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, I did understand your post after a minute. I don't know, I just can't think straight tonight. And it's hard to have constant jabs (you let him go, your loss!) at me ALTHOUGH I know more than anything that you ALL mean well and want me to move on and be happy!!!

    I will do NC for at least 2 months... and try to move on while I'm at it. If I absolutely can't move on, then I will try one more contact. Does it seem fair to both of us?

  3. #23
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    I don't think I've read anything here to suggest that you are a horrible or bad person. We are just pointing out our observations on what is happening here. Speaking for myself, I am truly sorry you are going through this. I know you genuinely regret what you've done, but I don't really think you should. Like you said, you were 21 and you wanted to explore life. You don't need to apologize for that. However, there is a price to be paid and that's the part that you seem to have trouble accepting. This is part of the process of growing up. You make "mistakes" and you grow from it. I put that in quotes because I don't think it really was a mistake. If you hadn't left him then, you most likely would be unhappy in a relationship with him because you wouldn't have been able to explore life, to see what else is out there, etc, etc. Even though I've been on the other end, I *get* that.

    I'm trying to explain that (at least from my point of view), I don't blame you for what you did. I don't think you're a bad person, or a foolish person even. I think what you did was actually quite normal. However, his reaction right now is also quite normal and while you are allowed to be sad about it, you don't have the right to demand that he do otherwise regardless of what he has said or promised to you. In real life you don't always get a second chance so you try your best not to take the good things and good people in your life for granted. If nothing else, that little bit of truth may be the biggest thing you gain from this experience. It will likely serve you VERY well in the future. You just don't realize it yet.

    The fact is that I hope you do get him back because I think he will benefit from your having realized how much you love him. However, you are getting upset at him for not upholding promises or for somehow leading you on. That will not garner much sympathy here, given the circumstances. I think for now, the best move as many others have suggested, is to pull back, more for yourself than anything else, because you are not thinking clearly. You simply cannot act on the fear that you are losing him - that will only drive him further away.
    Last edited by Zeitgeist; 02-02-2009 at 12:03 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    I think that's fair game, NC for 2 months & one more shot if need be. Just keep us updated on your progress & when you need to vent this is absoutely a great place to do it!

    Hang in there girl

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  6. #25
    Gold Member coldplay.'s Avatar
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    ask yourself, how does one put a time limit on 'moving on'. I can guarantee you its going to hurt for those two months and even longer, your going to want to contact him.

    When we start making these plans in our head, it gets us into trouble, because honestly, you let him go because you were bored, now you want him back because you think you might lose him... But will the real issue be resolved if you get back with him?

    If not, then you should be asking how do you get over THAT issue, and the answer is moving on, only when you experience life, and do things for yourself, and really remove yourself from this situation can you really start to observe what you want in life, and if that includes him.

    I know its very difficult at the moment, but acting on impulse is probably the worst thing anyone can do in these kinds of situations. Its scary but yes, you might have lost him, he thinks the same thing, he might have lost you, logically the best way to solve that would be just simply getting back together, but it doesnt always work like that, for reasons which i have described above.

  7. #26
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I realize that more than ever and I'm having so much trouble accepting that. I don't think I can get over that actually. I took him for granted, for some irrational reason I can no longer grasp, and I regret it so much. I can't live with this guilt. I wonder what I can do to let it go. To forgive myself. I don't think I can. Talking to him is the only thing that used to ease it. It was reassuring to understand that he would never forget me and that I still and will always mean the world to him. Letting him go is so hard. Realizing that I may never get a second chance is ever harder. If i had KNOWN how I would be feeling today, I would have NOT broken up last year!!


    And I want him back not just because I lost him, I really want him back because I'm now sure he is the one for me. I don't even want to meet anybody else. I would marry him tomorrow... Initially, 6 months ago, I thought that the fact I lost him might have been the case. However, after we were together for these past months and I actually "had" him again, I realized how much I really did love him.

    I know I might be able to move on and meet someone else but today I don't believe I will. The worse is, I still believe he loves me.

    The last thing he wrote me before our fight last night, after I said I was going to accept his choices was:

    Ma, like always, you wrote one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. It might not be the way you want right now, but I love you. The future is uncertain...who knows.

    We were on good terms and then ahhh, he couldn't wait 5 days to get back with the other girl?? I had no right to be mad?? I should have done NC when my friend called to tell me he was with her!! I was too hurt though!!


    I need to try and sleep! I can't lose my job over this. Thanks guys, I'm REALLY grateful for every word, every advice... everything!! I will be back... tomorrow is day 2!
    Last edited by brazilgirl21; 02-02-2009 at 12:06 AM.

  8. #27
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    You understand now what happened and that it was a mistake. However, you cannot go back in time and change it. The regret that you're feeling is the desperate wish that you could. That's the only reason why we are recommending that you let go. The only thing you can do is move forward. And the most important thing in moving forward is to take care not to do or say something that you may look back on with regret AGAIN in the future. Start with not assuming you know what happened with the other girl. Because you don't. Even if something happened, you don't know the circumstances and you don't know what's going through his head.

  9. #28
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Today I did exactly the opposite. I e-mailed him saying horrible things about the girl he is with. (She is, indeed, horrible but it's not her fault and i don't hate her and don't want to hurt her). However, my friends e-mailed me VERY * * * * ty pictures of her myspace/facebook and I coudln't help vut forward the e-mail to him. I know it was the worse move ever.

    I no I have NO right to butt in his life and I have to let him live it the way he wants to... However, it did hurt me VERY much that Monday we were together and just on Friday he was already with her AFTER lying about maintaining contact. I know everyone is in his side, but I didn't like how he played me this month, giving me x-mas presents, calling me on new years, CHEATING on my with this girl, lying about it and now only 5 days after we ended things for good he is already going around with her. She's * * * * ty and not classy at all and everyone called me to talk about it. I felt humiliated. I know I have no right, I'm just pushing him further.

    I'm venting because I know I'm in the wrong but I can't help but being very upset with him. There is a big difference in the way I dealt with things when I was over him and how he is doing with me. I LET him go. I did NOT give him any hopes. However, he continously played with my emotions and gave me all the hope in the world just to take it all away and have no respect for me. I feel awful but deep down I know I might have caused him to act the way he is now and I still think I'm the one to blame.

    02/02/09 - Day 1 of NO CONTACT. I'm going to do this. I'm going to move on. Maybe, later, I will be able to forgive him and we can at least be friends because we really did have an amazing bond.

  10. #29

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    I think you were in the wrong but it is true that he has not behaved very well recently - although I can see that he is very confused and conflicted about his feelings.

    So - I think you should do this. Send him an e-mail apologising for sending that last message and acknowledge that it wasn't appropriate. Tell him you were wrong but you did it because you were being emotional and not rational and that is because you do love him and not being with him is causing you some turmoil.

    Say that you do understand that he must be conflicted as well and hope that very soon he can gain some perspective. If and when he does, and if he feels he would like to try and again with you, then ask him to contact you so you can talk together and decide what might be done at that time to sort things out.

  11. #30
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for your reply, but at this point, I need to STOP e-mailing him. Not even apologising. Not today, not this week. Maybe in 30 days I can e-mail him and apologize. Right now he resents me, he wants me to leave him alone. I told him last week and he things were great between us and then he went and hurt me on Friday. I think right now, the best "answer" the best "apology" is to just LEAVE HIM ALONE. Let him think, analyse his life, gain perspective, miss me... because I've just been pestering him. And although part of me wish we had ended on good terms, we were unable to do so and maybe the fear of losing me will make him think about what he has done lately.

    I think ANY contact, even apologies, would just make me look psycho and needy and I'm ALSO in emotional turmoil and I ALSO need time to be able to rationally apologize.

    I'm doing this 30-days NC without apologizing. Giving him space will be my way of respecting him. After that, I will analyse my options. Right now, I NEED to give him and myself 30 days of NC. Don't you agree?

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