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Thread: I dumped him... and now I want him back! Anyone have a similar story?? I'm desperate with guilt!!

  1. #11
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    To be completely honest, it's not good that you acted out. Your ex-bf doesn't owe you anything. You broke the trust. You let go. He has zero obligation to you. I do think he probably still has feelings somewhere inside for you. However, even if he was totally in love with you still, I can understand why he would not want to come back - I've been in a similar situation. The trust is now broken. He knows somewhere in the back of his mind that you came back because he found another girl. The timing did NOT escape him. Thus, why should he cut things off with the other girl and put all his trust in you again when you could easily leave him again once you have him secured? Even when you post openly here, you show signs that you are aware that you wanted him when he became unavailable. So how can you be so sure that you really love him? I think you may be mistaking feelings of insecurity with "love".

    I realize you probably did not do anything maliciously here. He may yet come back, but you really need to give him some space to think. It is unreasonable for you to accuse him of causing you pain on the assumption that he is doing it intentionally. He could just as easily be doing it to protect himself. And if he is as good a guy as you say, it's much more likely he's doing it for that reason. If you truly love him, let him go to make a decision that will make HIM happy, not you. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by brazilgirl21
    I really did believe that I just wanted him because of the other girl but after Months i realized it couldn't have beeen further from the truth! It made me realize how much our love is big and how much he means to me!
    I understand. I put myself through something like this once myself--in fact I even set up a situation where we came accross a girl my ex knew from work, and I made it a point to go in the other room to watch the band so they'd get cozy. I honestly believed our breakup would be easier for both of us if he'd start seeing someone else. I was also quite proud of myself for wanting to ease 'his' transition (I was quite the manipulator in those days, sometimes I even believed my own BS). Of course, shortly after, my own new crush fell apart in my face, just around the time I learned that ex had finally hooked up with the new girl, and I came undone.

    I didn't know what hit me. Suddenly he was--and always had been--the most perfect boyfriend in the world. I had orchestrated the perfect breakup, where I got to play with a new lover unchallenged, and I even got to view myself as saintly and generous, only to flip out like a mindless shrew and demAnd that he drop new girl and come back to me.

    When that didn't work, I begged. So much for my brilliant exit--I turned complete wack job.

    As it happens, none of this stuff is exactly easy to look at with full self-awareness. It's too much a combo plate of love for someone and wanting him to hurt less, wanting our own exciting experiences with a new lover but without the guilt, plus a side dish of ego that can't let go of the ex's affection and can't stand the idea of him loving someone else. It's not flattering to look at, but the reason everyone can see it so clearly is because we've all either walked this road in one form or another--or else the basest instincts are so obvious and play out so predictably, that everyone on the planet has instant x-ray vision into the consequences, except for the one who's playing the game.

    Originally Posted by brazilgirl21
    [...] Is it bad that our last contact yesterday was of me telling he hurt me so bad by parading (being caught by my friend!) with the girl 5 days after breaking up with me for good after continously lying about being with her that he is dead for me and that i never want to speak to him again?? Or is it even worSe that i acted out?
    Sorry, but it's really-really bad. Every bit of drama you put the guy through only makes other women look sane and attractive in comparison.

    You honestly need to pipe down and let this thing play out on its own. Do you want your absense to be a relief to him, or do you want him to miss you? Nobody can promise that will ever happen, but it's really the only shot you've got.

    Keep posting here if it helps; you can get through this.

    In your corner.

  3. #13
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I hope everyone that replied to my post, some negatively, will read what I have to say here:

    I'm sorry if I sound spoiled or selfish, but I really have some explaining to do that goes beyond the "shallow" I dumped him, I want him back title!

    First of all, how somebody said I am not thinking about him and his feelings, but this is just ALL I have been doing. I cannot forgive myself to have put him through this last year. It is KILLING ME. It's the hardest to accept and to cope. All I know is that I was 21 and I just wanted to live something else. Selfish, horrible, and I regret that 100%! I'm living in a constant state of regret that is enabling me. All I can do is think about how he reached out to me last year and how I really did NOT care about him. I didn't dump him because of a new guy. I have met the guy 6 months before that and he was in another country. I didn't get with this guy. We didn't have a chance. I dumped him because of how much I missed feeling "in love" and "alive" and being 21 and having fun. I also broke things off because of the guilt of feeling something for someone else, which at the time, meant to me that I didn't love him enough. Was is shallow reasons? YES. Do I regret it everyday of my life for the past 4-6 months?? Hell yes!! Can I take it back?? Can I take it back that I had been in a serious almost married relationship from 18-21 and that scared me to death?? The fact that I might not live other things scared me??? The fact that I was sabotaging our relationship because I wasn't into it anymore?? Gosh, it hurts to go over this and understand my motives but I was NOT being selfish. I was trying to be true to my feelings. I was taking a risk. I was letting the best person in the world go because I didn't think he deserved what I could and was giving him at the time.

    For months I let him move on. I NEVER disrespected him! I didn't get with ANYONE. I was just being single and having fun with MY friends. No other person involved. On the times he reached out to me (sending red roses to my city on my birthday with the most beautiful letter, inviting me to go out for valentine's day, or simply saying he missed me) I TOLD him to move on. I honestly BELIEVED that was what I wanted. It's NOT simple to rationalize, I have NO idea why I felt that way. It hurts too much to remember WHY I felt SO indifferent back then.

    When I realized he was starting to move on with this girl I honestly didn't think it would end how it did. However, the more we hung out, the more I reached out to him, the more I realized I could lose him for good, the MORE I started falling in love all over again. I didn't calculate it. I really DID start loving this man again. Of course that the feeling "of losing him" might have triggered it, but NOW I am SURE that I love him. I would be ready to let go of anything, all my dreams and goals, to be with him again. I'm very ambitious and going to business school next year in a top 5 school in the US but I would give that up for him. Ironically, this fact was making me want to break up with him because when I started applying to schools he wasn't supportive.

    I understand why most people in my post seem to be on my boyfriend's size. It's a typical case of, ha, tast your OWN medicine. However, everyone who has seen me going through this understand why I'm devastated. He tagged me along for too long. He broke me. He made me lose it.

    He give me SO much hope! He made the choice, he dumped the girl, 3 months ago because he wanted to give us a chance. But he NEVER truly did!!! I know he was confused because I suddenly came back to his life, and I came back full force, without giving him ANY space. However, ultimately, it was HIS choice to tell me things like "I've been seeing this girl for 2 months but I still don't think I forgot the woman I love" or "We know who's going to suffer in this story (meaning the girl" or when we were in the beach we were COMPLETELY in love and happy and I saw it in his face and he told me "This is crazy, this feeling, it's different than anything else, it's love, I'm crazy about you"... and he was SO happy. Of course that he had moments when he was confused and I know he was and might still be scared but there were moments where he absolutely loved me. The way he held me, the way he seemed unable to let me go.

    He played with me too you know? I know it was NOT his intention, he was confused, but he made me suffer too! Just before new years we were SO together and happy and exchanged xmas gifts and his parents called me to thank the gifts I gave them and we were very hopeful for the new year and for what we could be again. He hadn't wanted to commit before new years but he give me EVERY reason to believe we would try when we got back!

    It hurt me SO much when he came over and I realized he had kissed the girl. Seriously, we suffered for 4 months and when he decided to try again with me he just goes back to her??? While calling me EVERY day and acting like he missed me??? On the NEXT day he e-mailed me saying we would probably get back together but he needed a little more time. I was UNABLE to give him time or space because I kept listening about how the girl was after him and how he might be seeing the girl behind my back!! He lied about seeing her. Then he finally told me things wouldn't work out because he wasn't into getting back together with me and 5 days later is all couply with the girl on a party with a lot of my friends??? Where's the respect for me??

    The point is, I know I'm probably MORE in the wrong and I made SO many mistakes because I let him go but what he has been doing to me these past months have been heartbreaking. He gave me hope and took it back, then gave me hope again... and he lied SO much about this other girl. I NEVER, ever, EVER lied to him when I wanted my space. I honestly did let him go. These months, however, whenever I said I was going to move on he would NOT let me and would give me hope again.

    Then, when we were finally getting back, he just pulls it away from me again??? He tries with the girl and is like, ok I love you, I don't want her. Then, he tries with me and is like, ok, I don't think I love you, lies, lies, lies and then is ALREADY with the girl again? 5 days after?? After basically cheating on me by kissing her while we were together in new years??

    Am I such a bad person here that nothing he did to me is wrong because I was the one who let him go initially? Do I have to live with this guilt forever?? Can't I feel like, maybe, he messed up now and HE might lose a girl like me, just like I risked losing him in the past? Would I be with him today if when he came back on Jan 6th I hadn't MENTIONED this girl and my insecurities?? Would I be with him now if I had been NC after that???Would I have more chances if I hadn't call him on Friday saying that I could NOT believe what he was doing??I know I have to move on, but I can't right now. I still believe in this love. Should I send him a text apologizing for acting out and then going NC starting tomorrow or should I stay NC with the whole "you are dead for me, don't count on me anymore"? We've never been broken up with me mad at him. I would ALWAYS forgive. What is more effective, the NC with he believing I'm SO upset and mad and really don't want to see him again or the NC "sorry, I need time away from you, but I still care about you deeply and understand why you did what you did"...
    Last edited by brazilgirl21; 02-01-2009 at 09:44 PM.

  4. #14
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    Brazilgirl, has it occurred to you that in the time you decided to let your ex "move on " from you...that he took you at your word and did just that? he moved on..and maybe fell in love with another girl. Yes, you probably did take him for granted..and this might
    just have to be a tough learning experience for you. I am sure you regret some things you did...but it seems mostly to ME that you are just hurt and upset that he didn't sit around pining for you to come back. Ask yourself if you never knew he was dating another girl if you would have reacted this way about him? If you even THOUGHT he was still waiting for you...would he still be as appealing? I'm sure you will say yes now because the tables have turned, but from his point of view as another poster pointed out, your timing in wanting him back is pretty suspicious.

    Maybe it's time to REALLY let him 'move on'..and let things just play out the way they're
    supposed to. If he wants to come back..he will.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    I probably will do that but I swear that I think I would be missing him now anyways. I mean, maybe not, I guess I will never know but it doesn't mean that I don't love him!! Some people DO realize what they really had once they lose it... You know, the timing might be suspicious but at the same time... 4-6 months is a common time to start REALLY missing the person. In the first months I was just happy and relieved but then the more I lived the more I realized that there was nobody else like him for me... The more I lived the more I started to miss him and our life together.

    These months "back" with him just made me realize how much I still love him. I guess I can't really sit here and convince others of what I feel but I'm not being ridiculous or selfish and going through this pain, this excruciating pain and guilt, coming to an online site to discuss it, simply because "he has a new girlfriend" and I'm being a jealous * * * * * .

    Yes, it has occurred to me that he might have moved on 6 months ago, but not now AFTER we tried again and he, in more than 5 occasions, made it clear that he was still in love with me, even CHEATING on his new girl and breaking up with her because of me. So no, today, I don't really believe 100% that he had moved on or that he is in love with this girl because if he had, I don't think he would have let me back in his life. He is NOT the time of person to play with people's feelings OR go over his BIG pride and ego and break up with the girl because of me, someone he still resents for hurting him. I can only believe that he did all that because he had not 100% moved on... It's SO complicated to explain what we have been though. But don't you agree that he didn't 100% move on if he did all this to try again?
    Last edited by brazilgirl21; 02-01-2009 at 10:38 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    I can say this or that but in all reality the ONLY thing you can do is leave him alone. If you push & push - he will run away. Let the guy be - no sense in analyzing & overanalyzing this.

    Just keep posting on here with updates on your feelings, emotions, how your days are but by all means DO NOT contact him. There might still be a chance but there certainly wont be one if you keep contacting him.. Stay strong.

  8. #17
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    AC - Thank you SO much! I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM! You think I shouldn't even apologize for acting out yesterday?? Leave him thinking I'm mad, hurt and want him out?? He actually agreed that he made a LOT of mistakes. I think for his ego, is actually better for him to think that yes, he was the "ass" now and I'm hurting. It's hard to explain. I have pushed and pushed a lot though... but do you understand that since I did the dumping, I HAD to push and push for a while?? I do awknowledge that NOW it is time to move on and let the guy be. But before, you do understand that I had to push right? I know I sound very desperate but its 2am I have work in the morning and I just can't sleep!!

    I WILL NOT CONTACT HIM.

    The horrible part is, the more I don't contact him the more I'm giving him space to fall for the other girl!! I should have done the NO contact before! When I still had a chance. Now I feel like it's really over and that's why i'm hurting like this. Is this depression common?? I feel like I will NEVER meet anybody else and I do NOT want to. I'm not ready to move on. He won't contact me either, specially now since he thinks I hate him and ASKED him to pretend that I didn't exist. All I want is for him to hug and confort me... I could NEVER come close to hating him =[! I love him so much!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member majord23's Avatar
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    You didn't want him....he let go, moved on and met someone else....and then when you felt that you'd lost him, you wanted him again.

    Now he doesn't want you.

    The potential path to get him back is staring you right in the face. It's also the healthiest way forward.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Ac143's Avatar
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    I dont think you should call to apologize. Its tough but dont do it! Stay positive, I cant say he will come back, he probably doesn't even know what he wants right now, but the more sane you stay the better chance. Its when people push is when the ex resents them.

    This girl might just be a rebound, dont think too much into their relationship. Focus on yourself, the best thing you can do is live your life in the meantime!

  11. #20
    Gold Member brazilgirl21's Avatar
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    Why are people being so hard on me about a mistake I made and am dwelling on it? Seriously guys, I really understand why I'm in this situation. I undersand is my fault. But I'm still hurting, like a lot of you. It's not hurting less. Why do some people really believe is black and white like:
    "you dumped him, you didn't want him, he moved on, met someone new, you want him back"

    My feelings can not be real just because of that?? It has to be selfish and fake and egotistical? Are humans not deserving of a second chance? Specially when they are young?? I deserve to be where I am now?? I don't deserve forgiveness or even for people to believe that my feelings for him might be real? We were together for 2.6 years. I had thyroids dysfunction all this year and that might be why I felt so "high on life" and over him for the first 4-6 months.


    PS. Oh, you meant, I should do the same to him right? Move on and let the same thing happen to him... the thing is, I really hope he doesn't feel this guilt I'm feeling. I don't want the person I love to feel this. It's 100 times worse than if he had dumped me initially. I Can't stop blaming myself for 1 second.

    NO CONTACT, DAY 1 - successful.
    Last edited by brazilgirl21; 02-01-2009 at 11:22 PM.

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