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Thread: Wife has cheated Twice yet still claims she loves me ??.

  1. #1

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    Wife has cheated Twice yet still claims she loves me ??.

    Wife has cheated Twice yet still claims she loves me ??.

    O..k Married 10 years and 1 Daughter aged 9 .

    Im 42
    Wife 38

    My wife is I would say very attractive and has a very very good figure .

    Myself I would say im not a great looker but what I do offer is stability,never ever cheated ,and my wife knows I have only been with her all my life FACT !!.

    I think my greatest strength is common sense approach to things, all what women claim to want but in real life they want the danger or that’s what I think anyway .


    The first time it happened was with a guy who she worked closely with,when I found out it had already gone on for at least a year as I know to .And she told me about it , I think she told me in the worse way possible hoping I would chuck her out and make it easy for her .I will always remember one of the comments “ And we have done things together that I have never done with you “ .And this was after some very happy years together probably about 10 years ( 6 years unmarried and 4 years married .We also had a child during this first time she was 4 years old at the time of finding out .I had no intention of chucking her out NOT FROM LOVE but from making it as hard as possible for her to do what she wanted to do ,I was fuming at the time full of mixed emtions.

    She blamed this affair mostly on my lack of wanting to go out to pubs and clubs with her .And no I didn’t go out with male friends for a drink either leaving her to do everything.

    From what I know all though I have not asked even to this day I got this from a friend of hers .She did go at one point with my daughter didn’t take any personal belongings straight away,but I think she went and wasn’t coming back .A few hours later after talking with him she was back with me and we talked things through .
    I promised to go out more etc etc .But I made her promise to never do this again or im gone .Once you can forgive I thought !,everyone makes mistakes .
    I also found a sex tape about 2 years after it had finished that she had kept in her wardrobe of this bloke and her ,I know I should not have watched this a no win situation but im afraid I had to .And what sort of person keeps this in there wardrobe after the affair has finished .Imagine what this did to me watching this .


    The second time ( present day ) .

    Basically im more alert to looking for it now and total trust has gone im afraid .I really do ache for the days of our Barbados wedding hol photos where I can only assume I was the one she wanted in everything and the TRUST was there .
    I read the signs better now so I suppose im constantly on low alert ,you learn to live with it .
    Basically I began to notice a lot of texting on mobile phone .And she doesn’t have to many friends to be honest .I also thought things were not getting done around the house that should have been done.As though she was disappearing somewhere else .And yes I do clean around the house and do shopping and ironing etc etc so don’t start !! .My wife also still says after this event the stuff around the house was getting done so this is a hot potato and an arguable point to be honest and im digressing a bit .
    What happened was I tried putting a sniffer tool on her laptop to see what was being said .At all costs I wanted to avoid not getting caught checking up on her and make our relationship unhappy .Basically this was crap software and she found it and the S**t hit the fan .I got the invading her privacy speech and I was majorly in the Doghouse but we recovered .But again there then seemed to be a major uptake in texting and it just ate at me and ate at me .Eventually I challenged her told her all my thoughts.
    She did not come clean and said nothing was happening .She would not show me her mobile but part of me though also what right do I have to look at it !!.

    For a short time I felt better my suspicions were stupidity and paranoia from the first time !!

    But then one day found another Mobile in her bedroom and yet I still wanted to think she has got this so if I ever ask to see the orig mobile she can do it and I will not see private texts to friends .My wife has had lets say a few personal issues when young and talks to friends about this ,she has never openly talked and described what happened to me .But im explainingg why I gave her the lea way on seeing another mobile .But also im not stupid I did think you scheming cow and worse,basically I feared the worst .
    So after finding this mobile I needed to find it switched on one day so I could access it, there was a pin number on it .Then the day came she nipped out and stupidly left it on .I read all the texts to this 52 year old bloke it turns out she has had sex in all positions possible including anal with tongue and even a rape scene acted out .
    In the bedroom seemed normal I didn’t notice much although we went a month with no sex which wasn’t usual but I put it down to stress at work etc .

    Her excuse this time .

    I felt I needed to go to him because you wouldn’t do this type of thing with me .Your queezy about certain things in sex etc etc .Yes I admit I don’t find sticking my tongue in her anal passage particulary attractive ( health aspects and yes it doesn’t appeal ) .But anything else and most I am up for and willing to talk about .And yes I would say we have a very healthy sex life position wise .But it seems my wife wants more but wouldn’t talk to me .And no I don’t know why .
    Also she got me to fork out 50 on some lingerie ( stunning ) for her for xmas .I have yet to see her in it .I find out she has already worn it plus stockings and suspenders ( something she looks stunning in but I never see ) with it and you can guess where .

    Im now torn terribly as I am very much a person of morals and principle .

    I know she doesn’t get it ,it hurts just to hear her laugh at normal stuff like watching telly .Im absolutely distraught and my self worth I cant put into words how I feel but it feels when I hear her laugh that she just doesn’t get what she has done .I don’t think it really hits home to her AFTER ALL ITS JUST SEX as she says .One minute I want to hug her the next I think you T**T don’t think like that .I really am on an emotional roller coaster and am hating myself for being used .I got over the first time after about 18 months although it sometimes surfaces on those lonely drives home after work .I just feel that if I stay know I really am giving my wife a green light to walk all over me emotionally and im already as low as I can feel .Although I hide it well to outsiders you just have to don’t you .

    TO GO OR NOT TO GO THAT IS THE QUESTION ??

    1.She turns me on incredibly and has a figure to kill for .
    2.The trust has gone but I do love her even still but she will never be to me what she was on our wedding day .The fairytale has ended .
    3.The thoughts and memories of other men with her and her lies have left me with no dignity and self worth .I just feel empty .
    4. I don’t want to lose my Daughter ,my Wife and the House I have invested heavily in ( which she would keep )
    5.I feel if I stop im saying screw who you want I will still be here .
    6.She says she doesn’t want to leave and that was never the intention it was just purely sex that she thought I would not give her .BUT SHE NEVER ASKED .
    7 Is this just a poor excuse like last time and im just being used .
    8.My wife has agreed to have a tracking device fitted to mobile ,not go out much at all and yes she says she will not see him again .And it was purely sex not love .But do you ever believe that ?.

    If I go though with leaving it will basically break me as a person I face giving up my home because of our daughter .The right thing to do would be for me to leave the house to my wife and daughter ,even though I invested more in it than she has and it was my idea to get a house in the first place .My daughter has friends here and is very happy I know it would emotionally scar her to move as well as suffer the break up .
    And I don’t think I could handle seeing my daughter at weekends let alone see my wife with someone else and talking to my daughter as though he is her dad .


    God I think im going crazy .
    I use to sit at school wondering who I was going to marry .
    For a while I lived a fairytale
    Little did I know .

    I think im staying but im not the same person I use to be I feel hollow .
    And like losing a close family member the hurt never truly fades away .

    Im not trying to wollow in self pity im just so mixed up and the emotions are all over the place just don’t know what to think . Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by PeterB; 01-25-2009 at 09:34 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member tina-rocks's Avatar
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    OH god I am so sad reading your post.

    I am going to be totally honest with you and say that for your wife to cheat once is hard enough to forgive but twice unforgivable. This shows a total lack of respect for both you and your daughter and none at all for your marriage.

    I feel for you i really do as my ex husband cheated on me and I only found out this year.

    you say you have no trust left and for me a relationship without trust would be doomed as you will always wonder if when she goes out for any reason if she is cheating and this could eat you up and effect other aspects of your life too if your not careful.

    i know you have a daughter and I really respect the fact you are worried for her and you still love your wife. Ask yourself one question:

    Do you think she will cheat again?

    My heart goes out to you it really does and I am here if you need to talk or vent.

    In the meantime stay strong and I will you some strength to help with this pain.

    Tina x

  3. #3
    Platinum Member waveseer's Avatar
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    She is not made of the stuff that will ever allow her to be loyal. That doesn't seem to agree with you, it seems to make you sick.

  4. #4
    Silver Member shoppingGirl's Avatar
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    WOW. That's awful what she has done to you. I think that she has lost all love and respect towards you and is now looking for a way out. Have you asked her to go to marriage counseling? If her answer was no, then there is not much hope for your marriage. She casually calls it "just sex". You deserve someone who will love and honor you...she is using you as her doormat....you are not at fault here...it is 100% her problem. SHe obviously values hot sex over her marriage and family. You need to look at your life and decide if holding onto your house, etc. is worth a lifetime with her treating you this way. What is most important? Materialistic things you have acquired with her or your own peace and happiness? Not to mention is this the woman you want as a roll model for your daughter? If she likes to go clubbing and partying so much she may not want the responsibility of single parenthood. You might end up with custody. You can still have a family someday....you have morals and values that are good. You WIll find someone like yourself...good women are out there!

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  6. #5
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    Wow. Peter, I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through.

    Here's the tough part. Love doesn't conquer all. You may still love her, and as per your thread title, I think it's possible that she still loves you. She has an attachment to you and your daughter which is longer-running than her affair, and no matter what she has shared with this man (sexually or otherwise) it won't compare to your lives together.

    That said, I think you already know what you feel is right for you. I'm sure loads of people will reply and tell you that you should leave immediately because you deserve better etc. and they are most probably right, but it's your life and I wouldn't presume to know what you want for yourself.

    All I'll say is, your house is purely a possession and isn't as important as your emotional, spiritual and mental well being. In my view the only issue even worthy of consideration here (outside of yourself) is your daughter. Being a father means (I guess, having not been one yet) considering your family as well as yourself. Whether or not this marriage has run it's course is up to you, but at the moment it's destructive and unhealthy for you and you need to take immediate steps to address that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Siriana's Avatar
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    Hm, I think she lacks sexual chemistry with you.
    That's not something that can be worked out - it just is or isn't. Some things can't be worked out.
    So she likes stability of the marriage as well as you do but seeks sexual fulfilment somewhere else.

    Well now it's not like I've discovered hot water - that was pretty much clear.

    I think she is the kind of person that needs great sex chemistry/forbidden fruit kind of thrill.

    I think it would be naive to believe she will stop with the cheating if things remain the same.

    You are probably aware you have several choices:
    - staying with her and continuing like nothing happened
    - staying with her under condition you two go on therapy
    - leaving her
    Whatever choice you choose to make, make the one you feel deep inside is the right one.

    And btw I think its' sad you value your house over your well being - as far as I know the house should be sold and money split in a way you can afford yourself a place to live.

  8. #7

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    I dont value the house over my well being .
    When im feeling particulary hurt you ask yourself WHY does MY WIFE get to stay in a lovely home and im the one MOVING to a damn hovel .
    ESP when i invested more in it ,it should be my Wife who pays the price !!.

    But i already know the answer = The most important thing is MY Daughters welfare .And my Daughter will wantto be with her Mum naturally .

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Have you talked to a lawyer? Do you have proof of her infidelity? Can you picture your life 10 years from now with her still cheating? Have you gotten yourself tested for STDs? I wouldn't be surprised if she has been cheating on you all the way along and that there were many other guys that you don't know about. If she is that sexually voracious then it is entirely possible there were others. You are putting your own health at risk when you have sex with her. I would really strongly suggest that you walk away from this relationship and work on protecting your finances. Get a decent lawyer and push to have the house sold. Your daughter will be okay, she will adapt quite well. See if perhaps you can get custody of your daughter. Your daughter should not learn the "tricks" of the trade from her mother. You don't want your daughter learning that cheating is okay. Children are not stupid and they can figure out what is going on. Also, you deserve to find someone who is loyal and only has eyes for you. Your wife has some serious issues.

  10. #9
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    IU am so sorry, but if you cant make it through the trust leave it. I gave my GF of 10 Years 3 chances and she still continued. It still hurts me and I still love her (not in love) but its just not worth it. I have met a wonderful and beautiful girl, and she makes me happy. Its still sad but its better this way.

    Jason

  11. #10

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    She is a serial cheater, who will never stop. You don't have to sell the house. And just because you don't live there doesn't mean that you are not part owner. You say, if you leave, that you can't stand the thought of some other guy seeing your wife. You are already seeing it. The GPS won't matter. So you get to know where she is at when she screwing some other guy. Do you want your daughter growing up to think marriage is like this? You need to leave. If you don't you will be a cuckold for the rest of your life. See if you can make this arrangement. She can stay in the house until your daughter is grown. Then she has to move out. You need to divorce her cheating ass, separate your finances. And move on. Good luck.

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