I'm so incredibly confused. I wish I could talk to someone close to me but its so humiliating.
I've been with my bf for over a year. It was LDR until last Nov.
He moved most of his stuff in in Oct. I found nude pics of his ex in his junk drawer around that time. As horrible as it made me feel to see them, it was a bonafied junk drawer. I had no reason to not to believe him when he said he had no idea they were in there. He felt really bad and apologized up and down for me having seen something like that, and had me toss them out. I told him I found them through the IM. In the IM when I first said I had found the pics he asked "on the computer". I'm such an idiot and didn't really register it, plus his computer wasn't here yet.
But last week I got this awful intuition like bad feelings and started thinking about that incident. I went on his computer and there they were, a bunch of dirty pics of his ex. Even worse the modified date on the file was 9-24-2008. 3 days before our anniversary (going off trak for a sec) an anniversary where he did absolutely nothing - not so much as a card, * * * * he could have sent an email or something. He said he didn't think about it because we he was busy with a wedding he was in and was for one of my family members. Again, completely understandable even though it hurts so much - he was really busy and stressed(so I thought)
Back to the date. I had written a special card for him, and meticulously calculated the dates to make sure I sent it off on the right day so that it would get to him on our day. I feel like such a fool, putting so much effort and love into something while he is jacking off to pics of his ex.
This time when I confronted him he said that he had just moved the hard drive from his old computer at that time into the new one. He said he knew the file was there, he had opened it just to see what was there and was not looking at it the way I thought. He said he intended to delete it but forgot. He claims to have no idea what he deleted or changed from the file for it to have set the modified date. I know this isn't true, no other files on the drive had the modified date changed, it doesn't' just randomly change it in one file when you install it.
After finding the first pics, he was fully aware how hurt I felt about seeing such stuff and the idea he would look at it. I even had him put his old cards and normal pics from her in storage. He also knew I was really insecure about his ex after finding out he tried getting back with her for at least a year after she cheated on him. He promised to let me know anytime she called. This means he knew damn well how I would feel about him having this kind of stuff.
HE KNEW the file was on his computer. He did NOT remove them before moving the computer into my home. If it was some trophy or nostalgia * * * * he could have burned a copy and put it in his storage unit. He says all he ever thinks about is me and would never intentionally hurt me, if this was true the minute he opened that file he would have been instantly embarrassed and deleted it, I know I would have.
He refuses to explain himself at all. And refuses to do anything to build the trust back up, pretty much says we're going to break up if I don't let it go. I'm angry and hurt right now so I'm sure I'm exaggerating the truth. Although as he sees it - moving here to be with me is enough, apparently that was our anniversary present and all the proof I should ever need that he loves me and only thinks of me.
I don't want to be that stupid girl again who makes excuse after excuse. I keep thinking I'm the one with the problem and blowing it out of proportion, but its how I feel and it hurts so much. I hate being a fool, and it is so devastating because I've never felt so connected to someone before - this behavior was a sheer slap in the face, I never could have thought this. Maybe porn - but not this - this is so much worse and so much more personal.
Sorry for the long post I think its officially a rant, I didn't proofread either, its hard enough to get the courage to write all this, let alone read it again
Please say someone has been where I am, worked it out, and has advice on how to build back trust. How do I get him to open up and tell me the whole truth? Or am I just setting myself up for failure?