RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 ...and it's only been a few days. All my better judgement told me not to do it, but I did. I've had issues with the lack of physicality in the relationship, I thought moving in may make her open up more, be more physical, give herself to me. Thus far, the opposite has happened. Our sex life is abysmal. I've tried over and over to talk to her about it, but it never gets better. She has every excuse in the book. I think she just doesn't like sex very much. Moving in hasn't changed that. I thought I could have more "me" time, because I could bring my stuff with me, and do what I enjoy (games, foreign movies, reading, writing) and she agreed, now she says I'm "isolating" myself. I feel more detached from my life than ever. So now what? I make this HUGE step and I'm flooded with doubt, guilt, and regret, after like four days. I'm laying here, next to her, feeling all alone, wishing I never did this.There is no way I can EVER be happy in a relationship this devoid of physicality. I don't know what I was thinking. Help! Now what? Link to comment
davef Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 First of all Breathe. Second of all, she doesn't sound like a good woman. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 When you mean physicality, do you mean sex? What do you two do? (physically and romantically) When was the last time you were out on a date? Link to comment
DN Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 How easy would it be for you to move out? Do you think that her feeling isolated is why she won't have sex with you? Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 When you mean physicality, do you mean sex? What do you two do? (physically and romantically) When was the last time you were out on a date? I mean the overall scheme. She is very cold, rarely hugs, never kisses, no snuggling, nothing. Sex for her is like climbing mount Everest. She complains of pain in her hips and joints, and her lack of sex drive. She CLAIMS she did like sex, before all of that.... This weekend, both drank, both had fun, nothing came of it. I've a very snuggly person and I love sex. I've never been in a relationship like this. I think moving in was desperation on my part because I love her. Trying to make something of nothing. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I couldn't be with someone who wasn't affection. I am like you, I love snuggling, being intimate, kissing, hugging. Have you talked about the lack of affection? Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 How easy would it be for you to move out? Do you think that her feeling isolated is why she won't have sex with you? No, I do everything I can for her. Cook, clean, rub her when she's sore, help her with everything in her life. God knows I'm not isolated from her. We've had multiple arguments/discussions about physicality and it never ever improves. Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I couldn't be with someone who wasn't affection. I am like you, I love snuggling, being intimate, kissing, hugging. Have you talked about the lack of affection? So many times it's pathetic. She'll try and touch me more for a few days then it ends. The sex never improves. We are like on a once in five weeks timing now, and it's awful when it happens. i have to practically beg. Link to comment
DN Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 OK - so my first question was - how easy would it be for you to move out? Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 OK - so my first question was - how easy would it be for you to move out? Easy. I'm financially independent and my old roomies would have me back no problem. It just seems like a monumental failure to do that so fast. But I'm miserable. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 So many times it's pathetic. She'll try and touch me more for a few days then it ends. The sex never improves. We are like on a once in five weeks timing now, and it's awful when it happens. i have to practically beg. But, have you talked about it? How do those conversations go? I also agree with DN that you should move out until this is resolved. It's miserable to be in a situation like that. However, I'd open the floor for conversation first. Link to comment
DN Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Sometimes mistakes are better corrected sooner rather than later. Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 How was sex life before moving in? Was she as distant before? Maybe she is apprehensive about you moving in. How long have you guys been together? She's the one who wanted me to move in. Our sex life has gotten worse and worse and worse. I thought it may be because she felt I wouldn't commit. I thought moving in might help. It isn't. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 So many times it's pathetic. She'll try and touch me more for a few days then it ends. The sex never improves. We are like on a once in five weeks timing now, and it's awful when it happens. i have to practically beg. Sad to say sometimes when you do this much for a person who is non reciprocal they take you for granted more and more. I hate to suggest stopping these little tihngs, but maybe try that for a bit. But i do suggest moving out. The first week should be the most fun week of a new move in. If you are this miserable and feel this alone it wno't improve. I think you need to have a dead serious conversation with her and tell her you think moving in was a big mistake and that you would like to move out. Tell her that if you two continue dating either some changes are made or you are out completely. It is ok to let her know you did not sign up for a relationship deviod of a sex life. I would never beg for sex. If you have to go that far, it is time to think about exiting this relationship entirely. Might be a good wake up call for her for future relatioships;. IF you continue to live this way it reinforces to her that it is ok. When i read your posts I am reminded of the saying "once they have caught their fish...." Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 The thing is I really love her. That's the cruddy part. I feel tormented when we are at odds, yet I'm utterly miserable now. What the hell? I'm so physically frustrated it's unreal. Other girls are beginning to catch my eye again. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 The thing is I really love her. That's the cruddy part. I feel tormented when we are at odds, yet I'm utterly miserable now. What the hell? I'm so physically frustrated it's unreal. Other girls are beginning to catch my eye again. Well you know this is a HUGE warning sign and proof that love is not always enough to save a relationship. Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I've done these things ten-fold. I've warned her it will be the end of us. I've met her parents and you hit the nail dead-on--they are NOT affectionate physically. At least not in public. I don't want her to constantly hang on me. She's never ONCE rolled over in bed and just latched on to me. She NEVER initiates hugs. She won't even kiss me with her mouth open anymore. She says she finds it "gross." As far as sex, the last few times have been me begging, her pulling her panties down and laying there. It's pathetic. I've never been in a relationship with someone so aloof with sex. Link to comment
orangetemple Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 what id give to have a hug from the man who has left me. I was brought up in a hugsy household, and i think if you are not used to physical affection then i guess you dont see a need for it. I really dont see how you can fix this ,because it seems that affection is just not innate in her... Like you say , maybe for a few days, and then nothing. i really think this is a dealbreaker. You cannot live with this. HOWEVER: Sit doen with her one more time, and tell her exactly how you feel. Dont let her make you feel guilty for wanting sex. Link to comment
orangetemple Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Oh!! and just saw your photo, you are very cute, very huggable, how on earth could she not want to snuggle you?? lol Link to comment
MyheartorHis Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 No, I do everything I can for her. Cook, clean, rub her when she's sore, help her with everything in her life. God knows I'm not isolated from her. We've had multiple arguments/discussions about physicality and it never ever improves. Move out and stop doing crap for her. My ex was just like you, and I acted just like her. In reality- I broke up with him after a few months of me acting like that. I finally realized that I wanted to be with him because he was an amazing guy... but I didn't love nor like him how I used to which was why I didn't want to be affectionate at all towards him. I ended up hating to say I love you and stuff... it's an aweful feeling. Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 what id give to have a hug from the man who has left me. I was brought up in a hugsy household, and i think if you are not used to physical affection then i guess you dont see a need for it. I really dont see how you can fix this ,because it seems that affection is just not innate in her... Like you say , maybe for a few days, and then nothing. i really think this is a dealbreaker. You cannot live with this. HOWEVER: Sit doen with her one more time, and tell her exactly how you feel. Dont let her make you feel guilty for wanting sex. which is exactly what she'll do ..... Link to comment
orangetemple Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 which is exactly what she'll do ..... Yeah well if she does, dont take it on board. You have a basic human need for affection and sex. If this isnt either fixed, or ended, its going to die a very slow painful, and messy death. Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Oh!! and just saw your photo, you are very cute, very huggable, how on earth could she not want to snuggle you?? lol Thanks, lol. I could really use snuggles at this moment. Unfortunately they don't come standard in this relationship Link to comment
RyanD333 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 If I moved out and dumped her, I don't think she'd chase or phone. I think she's innately too stubborn and selfish. I honestly don't think she ever looks at things from any perspective but her own. She's gorgeous, and has always had every guy swooning over her, and has never had to try. Link to comment
orangetemple Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 The thing is Ryan, that you have to envisage how this relationship is going to be in another 5 years, if this continues as it is........... Separate beds? She is so lucky to have someone who wants her as much as you do. Doesnt know what she is missing. Link to comment
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