Pregnant girlfriend broke up with me...

Hi there.

I understand that this is a break up thread, however it is very relevant to this topic as she is pregnant.

We were going out for about 3-4 months. She's 19 and I'm 18, now the thing is I love her to death. Before we found out she was pregnant things were going great. Never had an argument, were all affectionate and whatnot. Great.

So we found out she was pregnant, fair enough. It's a shock, and it changes my life but it's no reason to quit. I have already explained to her that I'm there for the baby, and her. I will step up to the plate because at the end of the day, none of this is the baby's fault. She's about 3 months pregnant now.

So a few weeks ago, maybe about 3 weeks ago. She asks for space because she doesn't know where her head is at. I told her I understood, and gave her all the space she needed. We had very limited contact, was very cold and distanced compared to how we used to text, and chat. We only talked once every couple of days maybe.

Last night, she broke up with me. Saying she doesn't feel any different about us and that we should just go our separate ways. Now, I never begged or pleaded. I just said that if that's what she wanted, then there's nothing I can do but respect her decision. I understand pregnancy involves a whole lotta hormones, but never thought it would lead to the ultimate demise of the one relationship I truly felt content in.

Anyway, as I say I am bothered about the relationship, but not at the same time. As much as I love her my priority is being there for the baby. But, I guess I would have preferred if we were happy being together compared to breaking up because she doesn't know where she's at.

Any thoughts, or advice anyone could give me? Could the pregnancy have played the most part in this?

I would love answers from people who have been in these circumstances, but invariably any opinion would be much appreciated.

Thanks

you may be dealing with hormonal emotions so id keep and contact with her and let her know how you feel and she may take you back soon, no guarantees but you cant be sure and as long as you're willing to put yourself in the way of emotional harm it might be a good way of demonstrating love

the flip side to that is that having a child usually involves serious commitment between a couple that she may not have been ready for with you so she may be trying to keep this from turning into a marriage situation in which case you may be out of luck

We had already discussed the commitment side of our relationship, and we made it perfectly clear to each other that marriage wasn't going to be an option for a GOOD while; whether there was a baby involved or not.

I just feel like ever since these damned hormones kicked in, everything has just gone downhill since. It's something that's out of mine and her control, and it doesn't seem very fair at all.

she probably did a pre emptive breakup- fearing that you would ultimately end up leaving her a few months down the track because of the pregnancy, so she decided to dump you instead.

id call her every now and then and talk to her and see how she's feeling about a relationship. this may seem sneaky but try to catch her in contradictions. if she says she wants to be with you and then later says she doesn't then you may be able to demonstrate to her that her mood is causing her to think that way. you shouldnt be accusatory about it but just present yourself as someone who loves her and that the part of her that wants things to work out between you is the rational side of her

she probably did a pre emptive breakup- fearing that you would ultimately end up leaving her a few months down the track because of the pregnancy, so she decided to dump you instead.

But where is the logic in that? Surely this isn't a fight for that "control" is it?

I had always thought that my girlfriend (well, ex girlfriend now) was mature, stable, knew what she wanted. The instant a roadblock comes up, she presumes I'm going to dump her, so she dumps me first? Isn't this something pre-pubescant teenagers do in school? Surely not a 19yr old adult expecting my daughter/son.

The thing that baffles me now that this is happened, is the fact that the potential is there for us getting back together. I completely appreciate the fact she is going through alot, I truly commend her for it. But I would have thought a pregnant woman would prefer her partner who she claims she "loves" to be there as a loving partner, and as an expecting father.

id call her every now and then and talk to her and see how she's feeling about a relationship. this may seem sneaky but try to catch her in contradictions. if she says she wants to be with you and then later says she doesn't then you may be able to demonstrate to her that her mood is causing her to think that way. you shouldnt be accusatory about it but just present yourself as someone who loves her and that the part of her that wants things to work out between you is the rational side of her

I've already decided I'm going to keep my conversations with her to a minimum, and when we do talk it will primarily be about how she's coping with the pregnancy, the pregnancy itself and when our baby arrives, our baby. I'm not going to be her friend, because I've always seen her as "more".

I just need insight as to how this could have happened? Going from sharing intimate nights together, staying up all night talking, making love, in-depth conversations, to finding out she's pregnant. Being happy, sad, then things going from downhill from there?

mood can totally alter someone's perspective and lead someone down trains of thought that they wouldnt have experience otherwise, if you let her know that you're still interested in a relationship she might come around. otherwise being distant to her can make her take for confirmation what she may have been previously imagining

Well I've already said to her that a break up isn't what I wanted, but apparently it's what she wants so in order to save myself from any more hurt. I don't have much of a choice do I?

But where is the logic in that? Surely this isn't a fight for that "control" is it?

 

I had always thought that my girlfriend (well, ex girlfriend now) was mature, stable, knew what she wanted. The instant a roadblock comes up, she presumes I'm going to dump her, so she dumps me first? Isn't this something pre-pubescant teenagers do in school? Surely not a 19yr old adult expecting my daughter/son.

 

The thing that baffles me now that this is happened, is the fact that the potential is there for us getting back together. I completely appreciate the fact she is going through alot, I truly commend her for it. But I would have thought a pregnant woman would prefer her partner who she claims she "loves" to be there as a loving partner, and as an expecting father.

Adults do it, its just a protection strategy.

You dont sound that heartbroken over it though

I wouldn't necessarily say I was "heartbroken" as such, I'm hurt and confused but not to the point where I feel I have to take time off work, or put my life on hold for one girl. She was, and is very special to me. But I've learnt from previous experience that if I do all the chasing in these scenarios, it will just make matters worse.

As I previously stated, I'm at a loss as to why this has happened. I haven't had an explanation to this from her as apparently, she doesn't know herself. I mean ok, us ... as human beings; we can't help how we feel. But, what makes us different and unique as individuals is making the choice to end it, or work through it. My point is I'd always got the impression both emotionally and verbally from her; that she was willing to work through anything.

I guess not.

So she is 3 months pregnant and you've only been going out 3 or 4 months?

I think the thing is that only dating 3 months you really don't know each other very well before she got pregnant. You got pregnant when you just started dating and barely knew each other.

That is a whole lot of change and upheaval and a shock, to get pregnant with a virtual stranger. So there is a lot going thru her head here, about whether you are the right person for her whole life, since she doesn't know you well enough to make that decision, and she may feel like she is being forced into a steady relationship too soon just because she got pregnant.

You have to give her space because she broke up with you, but you can offer to be there for anything she wants, and see what she does. You are also the baby's father, so will be required to pay support and may want to be involved in the baby's life, so you have time to continue to be in her life if she changes her mind.

Since she is 3 months pregnant and you've only dated 3 months, is there any chance someone else might be the father (i.e., she was pregnant when you started dating her). If she was dating someone else before you (or at the same time), she may be confused and not sure who the father is and is backing off until the baby is born and she can do a paternity test.

Honestly, I understand completely what you mean about someone else potentially being the father. But she's a little under 3 months, we have been together I would say coming up for 4 months now. But I asked her about this, and she said that she hadn't slept with anyone for about 4 months before me. Then again I can only take this verbally.

I have already explained to her that I'm there for her whenever she needs me, just because we're no longer in a relationship; I don't think that means I can't still be there for her. She's carrying our child, I want to me there.

I've never wanted her to feel "forced" into a commitment like this. This is something that happened unexpectedly, and I do thereforee understand why she'd want space etc. What I don't understand is hanging my by the thread, giving me mixed signals on a constant basis then having the nerve to break up with me over text.

It's confusing, but something I guess I'm gonna have to deal with.

Is there perhaps anymore insight I could get?

I have to say that you're taking a very mature stance over the consequences of this pregnancy. Hopefully that will stand you in good stead. You've taken the more difficult path, but ultimately she will hold all the cards.

I've not got any specific advice, other than to make sure that you make her understand that you are doing this for your baby.

One thing that does spring to mind is that if you want your name to be on the birth certificate, you will have to be there at the registration - because you're not married to her. This will ultimately give you more legal rights in the future.

I hope things work out for you. best of luck

I have to say that you're taking a very mature stance over the consequences of this pregnancy. Hopefully that will stand you in good stead. You've taken the more difficult path, but ultimately she will hold all the cards.

 

I've not got any specific advice, other than to make sure that you make her understand that you are doing this for your baby.

 

One thing that does spring to mind is that if you want your name to be on the birth certificate, you will have to be there at the registration - because you're not married to her. This will ultimately give you more legal rights in the future.

 

I hope things work out for you. best of luck

I wish I could click my finger and things would be back to the way they were, but unfortunately I don't have a magic want of any sort at my disposal so I'm doing what experience has taught me. Back off, let her have the space she's wanted for a while now and get used to the idea that we are no longer an item, but more so partners in raising a child which we created.

It's difficult, but to save myself emotionally I've decided to put up a "brick wall" in terms of our relationship together. I've already told her that this isn't how I wanted things to turn out, and that I'll be there for her whenever she needs me. But it's just so frustrating when something can be turned upside down in a matter of weeks.

She's pregnant and hormonal. Your next argument will be that you haven't been there for her in the last few weeks.

Have fun

OK....from her point of view, all this crap is in her mind, stuff that you cannot even begine to fathom and it's overwhelming her, confusing her and making her crazy. On top of that you've only been dating 3 to 4 months. You have to admit that for some people it isnt enough time to decide if you want to commit to them.

Now she's pregnant, not sure if she even wants to be with you, and now she's having your baby. Ughhhh....I feel really bad for her. I feel bad for you too, but I am 7 months pregnant, and I have been through what she is going through. So, sorry, but I feel worse for her! lol I still fight with myself over leaving my bf, even now at 7 months. My first instinct is to protect me and my baby. So, if we have an argument, the first thing I want to do is move out. I cannot tell you how many times, we've been through this.

After about the 4th time of me packing, trying to find an apartment, etc, I realized that hormones were making me think crazy things. I wont go into detail, but I had some off the wall thoughts my lovely mind conjured up for me.

Just wait, the hormones get worse as you get further along, especially around month 6! Look out! lol

My advice is to let her know that you are there for physical, emotional and spiritiual support as this is your child too, but do not put ANY pressure on her. I know it's hard, but you have to back off, yet let her know that she can depend on you at the same time.

My poor bf gets so confused. When I'm crying and being horribly emotional for no apparent reason, he tries to comfort me, and what do I say ...."leave me alone". Then I get even more upset because he isnt trying to comfort me! Go figure! Finally, I told him that when I say "leave me alone" it means go away for about 5 minutes, then come back and comfort me. Now he gets it. He doesnt understand and still thinks that I'm crazy, but at least he can help some!

See, pregnancy makes women go insane. Just hang in there and do your best to let her know that you will be there for her. Offer to take her to doctor's apointments. Just to drive her and be there with her. That is a great place to start. I was worried at first that my bf wouldnt want to be part of the pregnancy, but he gets really excited when we go to the doctor and that excitement makes me feel good and confirms that he is indeed in this with me.

Take care, Cat

She's pregnant and hormonal. Your next argument will be that you haven't been there for her in the last few weeks.

 

Have fun

I'm not here for any "arguments", I'm simply putting down the facts to gain some sort of insight into how she's feeling and what she could possibly be thinking based on other people's experiences. I have seen her maybe ... 3 times in the past 3 weeks simply because she never wanted me to be there. If it was my choice, I would have been there much more than that. But of course, as I stated I'm not here for any "arguments" and thereforee won't waste any time justifying myself. I can see by the simplicity of the sarcasm implemented in your reply that you're not interested in provided any conventional opinions, or advice.

Catdancer, I have to say that women can be very confusing if this is the case. As I said, I've already told her that I want to be there whenever she needs me. But it's hard when the push and pull comes in. But you say that it only get's worse?

Jesus ...

Why didn't you use protection? Do you both have jobs?

We did use protection, I used a condom but she wasn't on birth control. There was a tear at the end of the condom but (stupidly) we didn't think anything of it. Seemed to only be a tiny tear. Of course, I've realised over the past few weeks that more attention should have been payed to that tiny tear.

Yes, I work for a software development company as a support analyst, and she works in a nursery, along with going to college studying media.

At least you're very mature and sensible. Hope everything works out for you.

I was saying that she is hormonal and not in her right state of mind. It was supposed to be a funny.

I am sorry you are going through this.

No matter what happens in the relationship, you should know your rights if you are indeed the father of this baby.

Be sure to have a paternity test done, and talk to a lawyer about custody/visitation.

Honestly, hormones or no hormones, saying that she needs "space" sounds very strange as a reason for a breakup, when she is already 3 months pregnant with your child.

There might be more to it.

Do you think she has any doubts about keeping the baby?