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Thread: Diary Of A Redhead

  1. #1
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Diary Of A Redhead

    If you could have any one super power, what would it be?

    Mine would be the ability to stop time.

    Isn't that the one thing I always hear myself saying, thinking, feeling? If only I had more time. Isn't that the wish on everyone's tongue tip?

    So okay, new found power, say you happen, I know the moral of the day is that I'll end up wasting you on trivial s**t, but sometimes I just need to gather my thoughts and collect myself.

    Life is fast and it only seems to be getting faster. One day I was 16 and all I could think about was the endless currency of precious time I had to spend. It was so undervalued. I'd do nothing with it. Spend it in bed, spend it online, spend it daydreaming. The only thing that's changed is the first part - hello new early riser - goodbye I've got forever so let's just chill and things will happen next year.

    Now I wake up 24 having to think if I'm actually well into my twenties or just getting started so I still have the excuse of 'but I'm young!'

    I'm getting married in two and a bit weeks time, things are changing but I feel the same. I need more time! More time to plan, more time to get myself sorted, more time to figure out what I want and need to do before it's too late, before I say I went to sleep 24, newly wed and woke up 36 and aching with the feeling - I could of done so much more, if only I had more time.

    If I could use my magic power only once, it would be for the most selfish reason. I would pause time whilst D holds me. Those moments where you wake up on Sunday morning to cool sheets, drizzly weather, grey sky peeking through the blinds and his arm around you. I would want that feeling forever, his chest moving up and down, his mouth open in deep sleep, like my own personal statue of beauty and everything I've ever wanted and more. When I wake up in his arms nothing else matters.

    Okay, now this daydreamer has to walk herself to the office and put the dreams and the day on hold. Daydream in your own time, the world will not stop for me and time waits for no man.

    I just want to get through this week of dreary work, I just want to have the courage to not wimp out and run from my problems.

    I'm starting this diary because I guess I start a lot of things that I feel like, but I really badly want to keep this one up.

    I don't even think it's made me feel better.

    More last minute planning tomorrow. I have a day out to a bohemian cocktail bar with my fiancé and best friend at the weekend - we're choosing wedding rings. I can't wait to be his wife, that's all I keep thinking, through all the drudge and ridiculous planning - I can't wait to be his wife.

    Write you later,

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 07-16-2014 at 03:24 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Escaped into the botanical sanctuary that is my apartment for my lunch break - god I love this flat! I'm gonna miss it when the time comes to leave.

    I can hear all the bustle of the high street below our lounge window; women gossiping, a car horn beep, children laughing, lorries rolling by and the odd lad driving through, windows down, blasting summer R'n'B anthems whilst everyone shakes their heads in disgust.

    I love hurrying into the front door, walking up the hall stairs, the smell of Lillie's in the fireplace and last nights incense. Instant calm.

    Next week I'm off until mid August. I really love my colleague, W. She's great. We're both gonna miss each other but I get to catch up with her at the wedding.

    Sulkily eaten some leak and potato soup for lunch. That's it, nada, nothing! A glass of water!

    Desperate to loose more weight to look my best on the day, so much god damn pressure to be pretty! Imagine that, being an ugly bride? 'Ohhhh but everyone looks beautiful on their wedding day!' That's what everyone says! Well, I have my fingers crossed for this promised transformation.

    Currently 7 stone 13 pounds. Ideally I want to be seven seven - it has a ring to it. I think it's manageable as well. I've already lost 3lbs in a few days, I feel I can drop 6 in 2 and a bit weeks... I think? Oh man! Why do us women hold this stuff so high! We become women possessed, it's an insanity, a total obsession!

    Got half an hour on the clock left before I have to shuffle back to the office in heels I insist on wearing even though there are cobbles everywhere in this b******d town!

    I think I'll put my headphones on and have a slow dance with myself around the bedroom. This is how I relax, what an impulse. I love to dance.

    Lo x

  3. #3
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Survived work, got home to find D back from his work in London - yay!!! Like a puppy dog is too tame a description, yes sir.

    I have an appointment with The Judge tonight, aka my Uncle. He's the one who's set himself up with the drama of doing our nuptials.

    Oh god, why do I always feel like there's impending doom whenever I see or talk to any of my family? I feel like there's something else he's going to bring up. Clutching at my coffee cup at the moment, anxiety levels are rising. Maybe I should just wear a sexy dress. When things get anxious, power dressing is my philosophy. Need lipstick!

    Does it make me a bad person because I think my sister is a butch and I hate seeing her? Does it make me a bad person to be embarrassed by her? It's like some sort of revulsion comes over me when it comes to my direct, close family. I sound like a terrible, terrible person, but reasons are there. I'll explain later, it's complicated.

    Hold it down girl.

    Lo x

  4. #4
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Just read the above entry back and my sister is not a butch lesbian, I meant the other b word. Not that I have anything against homosexuals at all. I'm typing all this on my phone, I'm expecting some typo's.

    Today = another day, another dollar.

    I find myself sitting in the bath for half an hour before work, trying to squeeze out some relaxation before I hit that hot, frustrating little office. I could do worse I guess, but being a Lettings Agent wasn't my life's goal or plan. I just fell into it. And very gratefully at the time - it was the semi serious job I needed and it's helped me grow up in a lot if ways. I appreciate the experience and the people.

    I'm psyching myself up in the bath if that's possible, that's what I'm trying to do. 'You can do', it I'm telling myself, while I robotically pat on face scrub and go through the motions of moisturiser, body shimmer for the legs, eye cream, yadda yadda, oh man I look tired, my main bug bare.

    My anxiety about last night was useless. This is the usual pattern where I privately freak out and worry about all the worst possible outcomes and then 90% of the time everything turns out okay.

    The Judge ran through our vows and put our mind at ease. I really like my Uncle R, even if my dad has bad mouthed him all the time I lived at home. I used to believe him, cos when you're 6 your dad is a superhero and anything he says has to be right, there's no other way round it. Now the capes off and the superhero's gotten a little disillusioned with life. Even got the typical washed up beer belly but that's gone now he's a Vegan superhero instead and lives off soy milk and runner beans.

    The Judge disapproves of a lot of my dads values and vice versa. My dad never really encouraged us to go to university because of the debt. The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'. I could never of accepted anyway, it's too much, but I remember like all family gatherings being sat on the floor, even at 16, legs pulled up to my chest whilst another argument happens. Either my mum and her sister, my dad and my grandad, my dad and my uncle, my mum and my grandma, and always my grandma and everyone else. Immature fights normal adults shouldn't have, and then it ends with my mum in her usual dramatic tears, or my grandma storming out.

    My anxiety over confrontation is still at the beating heart of me. I get this sick feeling bubbling up at the thought of falling out with a friend, but it's happened in my life already a few times and now I feel as much as you try, it's sometimes unavoidable. Just best not to create it out of nowhere - but that's my family all over, creators of conflict. 'And on the eighth day, god created the H family, and from that day onwards, man would know war!'

    Oh no, my minds swung back to planning... so much to do, so little time. I feel nervous I won't get everything sorted. My To Do list is vast, I need to start the satisfaction of ticking things off and letting them go.

    Diet went well last night. D took me out to Nando's for some chicken and salad. I have to congratulate myself for avoiding the mind blowing chocolate cheesecake, going home and eating a low calorie cereal bar instead of dessert. I bow to the crowd, yes! I did it! I turned down cheesecake, gasps everywhere, carnivals in the street.

    Haven't weighed myself cos I don't want the disappointment of a no loss. I have to take this pink nail varnish off and get out of this bath and into work.

    Adois, I march to my slave driver.

    Lo x

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  6. #5
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Lunch break - time to kick off the heels, put the kettle on and curl up on the couch for an hour before it's time to head back to the demanding general public. I bust my ass, I really do. If I don't, no one else will and the whole thing falls apart for me to pick up angry phone calls on Monday.

    On the menu today; vegetable soup and another two low calorie cereal bars. One cup of peach green tea. Torment. I feel so stressed that not eating much is coming naturally, my appetite is gone during the day.

    My best friend Z has cancelled our trip to York on Saturday. I was really hoping we could of had a chat over an extortionate cocktail whilst lounging on an Indian chaise lounge. I get to play hippie for an hour.

    She's still coming to mine and D's apartment later on to try on the dreaded bridesmaid dress which everyone of my four lovely ladies have complained about up to now. No comment on the style which to me automatically means 'Oh my god what have you made us wear.' But how can you go wrong with a mid length, floaty chiffon number with spaghetti straps in a very classy nude colour? I spent more time by miles stressing over what dress to chose than my own. Mine took all of half an hour on a website, I just thought, I have to make a decision, this is beautiful, it'll do. I love it, I'm in love with a dress! D, I'm having an affair with white chiffon and a three way with the lace, forgive me, I am but a girl with a weakness for material things, a capitalist dream, kids, it doesn't make you happy.

    Have I ever admitted often I even dream about shopping?

    I wake up to pleasant images of rows and rows of beautiful goods; expensive make-up, designer hand bags, all the dresses and kookie heels I could ever want. Simply browsing in my dreams. This comforting feeling washes over me, I've felt it before, the temporary happiness in a sale, desiring something then having it instantly - it's a rush, a mini high.

    Then you possess it and all the fun drains away, the desires gone. What a metaphor for some relationships.

    The key is, you have to be really crazy about the item, I mean really really want it. That's the problem with us shopaholics, we think we want, need, MUST have it! But really, it was an impulse. We'll forget about it in a week.

    Do you ever remember really pining after something, maybe as a kid, a new t-shirt, that toy everyone had, you get it then you can never be parted with it, you wear the t-shirt until it's bobbly and hanging by a thread, you drag your favourite toy everywhere with you until it's scuffed but always by your pillow at night.

    Those type of purchasers are the happy ones - adults seem to loose that childlike magic over an item. I get it still from time to time, but it's rare. And thus the curse of the never satisfied shopaholic. A broke one as well.

    Ever feel like deep down, you deserve nice things? Then when you get them, you feel guilty? Maybe it's just me.

    Fact is, D was not an impulse purchase and his brand of love ain't going out of fashion anytime soon. I will have him beside my pillow for as long as I can - my favourite!

    Looking out of my window and taking a break from all this pillow talk, the weather's turned s****y and the clouds are coming in. Still hot, still close, still dying to get back to my love nest until it's time to wash, rinse and repeat all again tomorrow morning.

    I have this massive issue that's hanging over my head at work. I've messed up, big time. I'll expand when I've got more time to play with, but the odds don't look good. D doesn't know, I'm too scared to tell him because I know he'll wonder why the hell I didn't deal with the issue when it first appeared. Damn. It's been playing on my mind for weeks, and I only have till tomorrow to fix it before I have to leave it another whole half month until I come back from my honeymoon. Not good.

    Deer in the headlights.

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 07-17-2014 at 07:48 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
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    >>The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'.

    It's not too late to get a good education and career and you're an adult, so why not accept that offer from your uncle? Doesn't matter what your father says.

  8. #7
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Hi Lavenderdove,

    I feel like the offer was made 8 years ago and now it's too late. Actually he's been more than generous with me with regards to the wedding even though I hardly see him - more like a distant Uncle. He originally thought I should go into law, but would of been behind any 'worthwhile degree' I'd chosen to do.

    I did study the basics of property law and passed a Property and Estate management exam half a year ago but found even the basics pretty tough.

    Basically, I'm 24 and still don't know what I want to do. Drifting in and out of an office is boring the hell outta me.

    Thanks for the advice.

    x

  9. #8
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    Morning.

    Woke up feeling so tired.

    Went out to dinner with D last night for a vegetarian carvery. I gave him all my meat, ha! Thats the deal we have. Ordered a cappuccino from the very attractive and sweet female waitress which I should never of had at 9 in the evening. This meant like a little kid I didn't want to go to bed, even though I knew I desperately needed an early night. Me and D laid in bed talking for an hour until about 1am. Feeling it today, I'm an early riser now and late nights don't agree with me.

    Whats looking back in the mirror is a bit like a pale, dark eyed crack head. But I'm sure crack heads have better hair. I look like I've scrambled through bushes and slept rough on a bench like a hopeless wino.

    Answer - concealer. Brightener. Cheek shimmer. Must, look, awake.

    Last day at the office before I'm off until mid August. I should be really excited, trust me, I am, but it's hidden deep down because I know I have to approach something and grab it by the balls today at work. I'll have to explain sometime as promised, its long and boring - not something to trudge through at this time in the morning.

    On the flip side of my dreary mood, the weathers been absolutely immaculate. The sun wakes me up as it beams through the blinds, I have to wear sunglasses to walk to work (even though, I live 15 seconds from my office, the pro's of living on a high street), and the jackets are off. Strictly shirts and smart vest tops from now on.

    I think Lana Del Rey calls it 'Summertime Sadness'.

    No sleep really affects my mood, look, I'm already being dramatic. I feel cranky. I need coffee? I've been trying to cut down the coffee to only a few cups a week. It really affects my stomach. Not only am I full of butterflies most of the time, but it gives me this awful erratic, nervous energy that just adds to my natural anxiety levels. The boost is temporary and the come down is nasty, leaving me feeling worse than ever.

    I need to pick up some more Berrocca from the pharmacy. I like the idea of taking my vitamins every morning. I put the fizzing glass at the side of the bath whilst the water slowly runs. It's a nice routine.

    Please lord beam me up! I'm losing my tiny mind! Surely I don't deserve this drudgery?! I survived the week, where's my prize?! You work to live not live to work! My inner teenager screams, 'It's not faaaaiiiirrr!'

    I really feel like once I'm a married woman, I have my honeymoon to think about my game plan. I must, must make a change. I can't go on like this. Sometimes it's okay and I'm fine with it, I settle for my lot and I'm grateful for the luck I've been granted. And then other times, I have to mentally crawl into that stuffy desk space to deal with the snobby brats who have demands that go on forever. I feel like their mission is to see just how much paper work they can physically pile on my desk. Oh go on, I can nearly not see anymore, you're nearly there! Put a cherry on top and file a complaint as well why don't you! Oh and yes, the appointment diary doesn't apply to you, just breeze in and ask for a grand house tour of the whole f****'n town why don't you! I wasn't busy or anything! Practically waiting on baited breath to serve you! Can I stay back late as well just to further aid your demands?! Unpaid as well! But it's for the love of the job. And you of course, and you're lovely, appreciative attitude.

    GOD!

    Rant o' clock. Oh god, I have to stop, I can feel my frustration rising.

    I'm changing careers after I'm married. This is wearing at my nerves. I've been working with the general public for 8 years now, it's hit me that I lack the compassion for it. They've drained me. Those general public folk, honestly, they'll use you like a washed up w***e. Hence the crack head look. I'm a washed up, caffeine fuelled Letting Agent. Honey, your wish is my demand. JUST MAKE AN APPOINTMENT THEN YOU CAN RUB THE LANTERN.

    I wonder if they have this problem in America? Do we just have a bad attitude?

    My baths nearly full. Where's that superhero power when I want it? I want to stay in my serene little bathroom, with it's antique wooden cabinet - fashion magazines stacked on top. My ceramic bowl of lotions and potions. My cactus. My candles in glass jars. Oh god, the scales, let's see:

    7 stone 13 pounds still.

    Final dress fitting on Saturday. I get to see my beautiful waterfall of chiffon, hopefully fitting like a glove. Like a glove. Keep that in mind when I'm reaching for a chocolate wafer.

    I really need a coffee.

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 07-18-2014 at 02:49 AM.

  10. #9
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    I took my own advice.

    One small cup of coffee to go. I feel the calm washing over me already. Please, don't judge - this is only my third cup in a whole week, and yes, it's near the end of the week, surely I get cut some slack on this one!

    I apologise for the little scene - no one cares already, right! Get over it! Fix it! It's my fault, complaining ain't gonna solve my problems. Dear diary, the weight has lifted some. Thats good enough for me.

    Today is a day for power dressing.

    Ever seen American Pyshco?

    Only kidding. I wish I had his wardrobe though. Damn.

    Lo x
    Last edited by mylolita; 07-18-2014 at 03:28 AM.

  11. #10
    Gold Member mylolita's Avatar
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    I think I'm addicted to writing here.

    Got into work and the ball started rolling. Just mechanical really. Drifted through until I'm here again, sacred lunch break, dilemma still pending.

    So here's the issue at work. Yes, after I've explained you're going to think how the hell can anyone be that stupid? Well stop searching now, you've found me. Why was I not born blonde?

    I manage two business buildings on the high street of which the owners pay my boss management fees. I handle things like the insurance re-charge, repairs, complaints, rent reviews and utility re-charges.

    It's the last one, the utility part, thats the blooper.

    Now in my defence (not that there is one, it's completely my fault), when I first started taking on this management job two years ago, my boss just dumped the huge files on my desk and never really fully explained the situation there. He might of quickly skimmed through it once, but it's quite complicated (working out the percentages based on the floor space per square meter for each office or business in the building, etc.), and when it comes to handling peoples money well, if you've ever dealt with the general public and put money in the mix, you'll know exactly how hot and heavy it can get. The nicest people turn into monsters when the pound signs flash.

    Anyway, originally I would re-charge each office or business in this one particular building each month their gas and electric. Now at some point, the electric bills went paperless. This is crazy, but I completely forgot for a whole year and a half to re-charge the Tenants electric because I never got a physical bill through the post.

    This sunk in and hit me like a tonne of bricks about 4 months ago. It took me forever, absolutely months, after raking through the amounts (one business will have to fork out about £700 in unpaid electric), to break this to my boss. After months of anxiety, I couldn't apologise enough. In fact, I even expected to be fired, or at least put on a formal warning. Instead my fair boss said we weren't technically even supposed to be handling the utilities and that on looking into it, they had read the meter wrong which caused a bill of £1 a month to be charged to the Landlord for about 3 months last year.

    That aside, the owner of the building, a very wealthy but sweet ex-insurance broker, pays by direct debit, trusting me to re-charge the utility he has already paid for.

    Oh good lord.

    So I brought this up with my boss two other times. He suggested getting the money back by issuing a rent increase. I don't like this idea at all. I feel like I should just own up and take the huge amount of verbal abuse thats going to come from all the businesses in the building.

    I need to mention this again today. I can't do this alone, I don't have the authority to simply send the letter out with an apology and suggest staggered payments, etc. And it only gets worse the longer it's being left. It's really eating me up.

    So thats the dilemma. My instinct is to run away. It honestly is. Quit my job, leave the c**p behind, move town! Anything! But then I think of my college W who holds me in such high regard, realising what a dunce I am, how stupid I really was. The bosses son remembering me as a horrible employee who couldn't even handle a simple task. My boss telling his new employee what a mess I left things.

    Oh god. And today is my last day. And my boss is busy but will be coming back in the afternoon. But I don't want to send letters out and then leave my colleges to handle the on-slaught whilst I'm on my honeymoon.

    This is worse than a disaster for me. How could I be so stupid?!?! I even surprise myself!

    Internally hemorrhaging in panic. I'm in such a panic I'm calm. Does that make any sense? Like a mild state of shock? Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. I keep telling this to myself whilst burying my head in the sand. Oh no, again, same pattern all my life, f**k up then run! I was doing so well! Never late, never off sick in 3 years, I did my exam, I've tried, I really tried!

    Ground, swallow me now.

    Write soon if my boss hasn't killed me.

    Lo x

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