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Thread: How long would you stay in a sexless relationship?

  1. #1
    rnmom13
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    How long would you stay in a sexless relationship?

    I have been with my guy for 2 1/2 years. We have been married for 7 months. We did not have sex before marriage because he wanted to wait and "do it right this time". I respected that.

    However, I was not dealt the same respect. On our wedding night I was told things were not working right. I chalked it up to the commotion of the last few days leading to the marriage. We were both exhausted. 7 long months later we still have not had sex. He says he didn't know this was gonna happen. I say, there is no way he DIDN'T know this was happening. I am positive it didn't stop working on May 31! I feel I had a right to know that this was basically going to be a sexless marriage. I love him dearly but I do have a right to the way I live my life. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life and never having sex.

    He does not touch me, we do kiss and hold hands(a peck, no passionate kiss). He says it is not me. He says I am beuatiful and he loves me but I am left feeling so undesirable and alone. If the tables were turned I would most definitely please my man. He, however does not see it that way. He wouldn't help me out if he had to.

    I am just floored at this situation. He makes no attempt to remedy the situation or find out the cause. I think that is part of what irritates me. He basically acts like it doesn't matter to him so why should it matter to me? He keeps saying "there is more to a relationship than sex"....yeah I got that....6 months ago but what about now?

    How do you live with someone that you love and never desire them? How long would you put up with this before you let him go? Other than this I love him so very much and we have it good except for this. I know sex is not the only aspect to a relationship and truthfully I would probably stay with him regardless. But what is everyone's opinion....is this ever a reason to leave someone? And how long is too long to be involved with someone like this?

  2. #2
    Umlunguusa

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    He obviously is holding off from you for a reason...I've been in sexless relationships before, but then again, we were awaiting marriage...there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex with you, especially because you guys are married now.

    I think honestly, you need to sit down and express your feelings and desires. if he still ignores them, then see a marraige counselor, or maybe he needs to see a psychiatrist.

    Would there be any reason to suspect he's trying to hide something from you? have you ever seen him naked, or done anything else sexual aside from intercourse?

  3. #3
    Timebandit
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    It is hard to see a future for the two of you together, unless he is willing to start working on this problem. Touch and sex is such an integral part of a romantic relationship, such as a marriage. It seems to me that he must have some issues around his own sexuality.

    Do you think he would be willing to see a counsellor?

  4. #4
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    He wouldn't help me out if he had to.
    Does this comment have to do with how he is in general, not just sex...that you can't rely on him to help you?

    There are a few possibilities to why he is not having sex with you:
    1) Fear of intimacy.
    2) Passive Aggressive behaviour tied in with bottled up anger at the world...unleashes his bottled up anger in passive aggressive ways, the classic is not giving the partner what they really want...the intimacy. That's why I was asking if he is not a giving person in general.
    3) Still in the closet...homosexual but hasn't come out.

  5. #5
    Timebandit
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs [Register to see the link]
    There are a few possibilities to why he is not having sex with you:
    1) Fear of intimacy.
    2) Passive Aggressive behaviour tied in with bottled up anger at the world...unleashes his bottled up anger in passive aggressive ways, the classic is not giving the partner what they really want...the intimacy. That's why I was asking if he is not a giving person in general.
    3) Still in the closet...homosexual but hasn't come out.
    I would include sexual shame, such as being impotent, having been sexually abused etc.

  6. #6
    cruzer
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    Im in shock, something has to be wrong. I want to stay a virgin until im married as well, not only is that uncommon for guys, but u guys been married 7 months and still no sex, * * * ?

    Have u asked him about this? were married now cant we atleast try sex lmao

    im guessing either he was abused sexually, is gay, or does not love u. if he loved u, he would want u to be happy, and have everything u want, and if u want sex he should give it if he loves you.

  7. #7
    LBP
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    Have you expressed a sexual history that has perhaps spooked him?

  8. #8
    rnmom13
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    My sexual history is 3 other men....that is all. He has WAY more history than I do so that is not the reason.

    Yes we have discussed it. He just says he doesn't know what the problem is...that is will resolve. How the heck so we know that? It has been 7 MONTHS!

    I have expressed my feeling many times and told him how I feel. He tells me it is not me. He tells me he loves me and shows it so many other ways other than sex. But sex is SO important to a marriage and intimacy. I feel cheated

  9. #9
    blue69
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    You can only control yourself and your reactions in this situation.

    You would hope that you can encourage him to seek help but if he wont acknowledge a problem then seeking help isn't a priority.

    If he wont try to change his behavior and attitude then you either have to accept it and learn to deal with it or make a change. And by change I mean leave.

    I would suggest counseling for yourself. See if learning to live in a sexless marriage is something you can do. Otherwise seek out a lawyer to determine how to dissolve the marriage. There may be something about never consumating this relationship that may make that path easier. Either way you obviously love this man and are struggling with that decision. It is a tough one.

    I wish there was an easier answer for you. But really it seems like his decision will help you determine how to respond.

    Good luck.

  10. 12-31-2008, 09:58 AM

  11. #10
    Yackstovic
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    Sex is everything to me. I couldn't last in your situation and as Casey said it's 'abnormal'

    Sex is only powered when two people love eachother.

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