What is marriage if it can end?

There are many ideas about marriage and love floating around. Not unexpectedly, we seem to be ruled by our emotions here.

Does love trump marriage? The answer to this question seems to be the battle cry for crossing lines of marriage. If love isn't there for the spouse or is there for someone else, then away we go. We use the motivation for marriage against marriage. This is folly in my mind.

Marriage is a covenant. It is shelter, providing the frame work for two people to build a life togther within. It is a commitment, for life. Now, marriage does not always last and there are reasons to end a bad one. But even that can be done with honor for everyone involved.

The issue at hand is, what is marriage if it can end. Why do we do this thing? What do people get from it, or how do people benefit.

There are many instances of hearts changing, passion fading, or the standard unexpected happening. So when we say vows in public, what does that mean and what does it commit us to?

If it just means we feel good now, why do it? If it isn't a real intent to honor the spouse in marriage, or even after for our life times, then what is the function?

Very interested your response.

Yea...you make many good points.

Basically it's a crock.

I fell for it once.

The function of marriage is to bind two people together forever. It is the declaration of their intentions to support one another to the exclusion of all others. Unfortunately, many people view it as a convenient way to ensure security, sex, status, or some combination thereof. Before you marry, do make sure that you have a compatable definition of marriage with your partner. Even then, people lie.

Even then, people lie.

They may just change their mind. They were honest at the time.

Ya know?

They may just change their mind. They were honest at the time.

 

Ya know?

If they change their mind about a permanent commitment that's lying. If they didn't know themselves well enough to make a permanent commitment, that's lying about who they are or where they're at. Either way there's intent to perpetrate fraud.

If they change their mind about a permanent commitment that's lying. If they didn't know themselves well enough to make a permanent commitment, that's lying about who they are or where they're at. Either way there's intent to perpetrate fraud.

Ok.

My ex found out she was gay 7 years after being married.

I think I told you that.

I feel that NOTHING in this world is guaranteed to last except your relationship to your God and your family... and even your family can become distant, but you'll still be related.

No marriage is for sure. No relationship is for sure. No friendship is for sure. NOTHING is promised....that's why you need to be happy with who you are, b/c at the end of the day you are the only one you can count on.

Ok.

 

My ex found out she was gay 7 years after being married.

 

I think I told you that.

If there were any question in her mind about her sexuality then she wasn't ready to be married. You were defrauded.

If there were any question in her mind about her sexuality then she wasn't ready to be married. You were defrauded.

Wow. That stings.

I try not to think of it that way.

Wow. That stings.

 

I try not to think of it that way.

Why not? If you think these things just happen without reason then there is no sense ever becoming vulnerable again. If you know that everything happeneds for a reason then you can forgive and move on. I obviously didn't know what I was doing either because I allowed myself to be deceived three times by marrying without doing my due diligence. I am not a victim, I volunteered.

Why not? If you think these things just happen without reason then there is no sense ever becoming vulnerable again.

That's the key....I do feel we are at the will of randomness.

You may have nailed a problem with me.

The problem is that people do not accept marrage as a covenant. Many see it as a social process or a civic process. They say and accept vows based on the now and the ease of the relationship. Once things get difficult, society allows them to end their civic commitment. 50% of the marriages out there should have had the vow of, "'till death do us part, things get difficult, or we get bored with each other."

With the exception of abuse, divorce should not exist thus not allowed.

I don't think that people are actually lying when they get married, but rather do not take the vow of marriage as seriously as they should. For most, when they say forever, they do mean it, but when things get difficult in life, rather than try to fix the issue(s) they they take the quick/easy way out and file for divorce. However, this is society's fault as we so openly accept divorce now. (My wife's mother has been married at least 5 (yes five) time now!)

Want to stem the divorce rate? The person that files for divorce (or leaves the home)gets nothing: not the kids, not the material items (home, cars furniture, etc), no alomony....nothing.

Again, all of these thoughts do not apply if any source of abuse (physical or sexual) is involved.

Erik

That's the key....I do feel we are at the will of randomness.

 

You may have nailed a problem with me.

I used to have this attitude and it lead me to pay more attention to my insecurity than to whether the other person was truly suitable.

Instead of thinking about whether they had earned my trust I was thinking about how not to be hurt. That can never work.

Marriage has changed through the years....it certainly is not the same as it was 100 years ago. Women can vote and earn money, so we don't need a man. we don't have the large farms so we don't need to have children to work the family farm. women can't be bought so we don't need someone to buy us. you marry who you love. nothing is guaranteed to last in the mortal world. we do the best that we can with the information that we have at the time of marriage. some people change together, some people change in different ways...i appreciate that someone marries me, and i them, because we loved each other at that time. when it's over, it's over. marrying until death do you part if you're miserable is a waste of what God gave you.

"I feel that NOTHING in this world is guaranteed to last except your relationship to your God and your family... and even your family can become distant, but you'll still be related.

No marriage is for sure. No relationship is for sure. No friendship is for sure. NOTHING is promised....that's why you need to be happy with who you are, b/c at the end of the day you are the only one you can count on." amtjrtcet

You miss the point. This isn't about guarantees. It's about commitment. People make your argument over and over and I don't get it. Are you saying that people have no honor and shouldn't be expected to try?

This is about the commitment. I sited that things happen, that is a given. And ofcourse we are human...a given. But shouldn't the marriage effect the way a person explores the world. Once there is a marriage there a responsability. Marriage says "I won't crap out, I will have honor."

Perhaps that was the answer I was seeking. Thanks

Again, all of these thoughts do not apply if any source of abuse (physical or sexual) is involved.

 

Erik

What about emotional abuse? Non-suppoort? And how can abuse be proven? In many cases there isn't a great deal of evidence.

"That's the key....I do feel we are at the will of randomness.

You may have nailed a problem with me." Mutley

That was strong man...go with it.

I used to have this attitude and it lead me to pay more attention to my insecurity than to whether the other person was truly suitable.

 

Instead of thinking about whether they had earned my trust I was thinking about how not to be hurt. That can never work.

Thanks, you've given me alot to think about.

This is EXACTLY what I've been doing.

"That's the key....I do feel we are at the will of randomness.

 

You may have nailed a problem with me." Mutley

 

That was strong man...go with it.

Thanks. And thanks for the topic.

I called off an engagement recently because of various actions my ex-fiance did on our first holiday together.

It is in the past now and I am over it, but it made me call to question his integrity and so want to call off the engagement until I had a thorough understanding of why it happened.

I didn't think he understood what marriage really was.

To clarify, I am not suggesting that marriages should never end. I am suggesting that there is an honorable way to do such a thing if necessary.

Also, I am questioning the institution on the grounds that it is misunderstood, misrepresented and misused.

By marrying, one says that they will share life with another and take on the challenges of life together. I am shocked at the lack of understanding here, in general...(I like the posts.) It isn't a question of forever, it's a question of what is being commited...what is it that we are giving?

Why is the answer to this so often a lament on our humanity or on uncertainty? There is still a promise, a way to behave that HONORS a partner...in love or out of love. If you are the person I married I will honor you, even with divorce if hearts and conditions dictate. But with HONOR.

Marriage is a contract, the terms of which change with society and time. Even the idea of marrying for love is pretty recent.

If they change their mind about a permanent commitment that's lying. If they didn't know themselves well enough to make a permanent commitment, that's lying about who they are or where they're at. Either way there's intent to perpetrate fraud.

I would not call it lying. It is just that some people cannot keep a commitment. They will probably make more in their life, but if they break one they can break any other.

Ok.

 

My ex found out she was gay 7 years after being married.

 

I think I told you that.

Did you use the words "until death do us part" in your vows?

If so, then the "gay excuse" is just that.

Did you use the words "until death do us part" in your vows?

 

If so, then the "gay excuse" is just that.

Yep....it was the standard terminology.

She also said she lost her love for me. I guess what they call around here the "walk away wife syndrome."