My interest level is lower than hers - should I pursue?

Background: A french lady in Mannitoba wants to meet me in Winnipeg during the holidays. She's offered to pay for my accomidation and car rental, although I have to absorb the cost of the airplane flight which is under $ 500 return. She will pay for her share of airplane cost (which will be reinbursed to her from where she is working).

Interest level discrepencies: It seems that she has a 90-100% interest level with me because I'm the only guy really giving her the time of day in her life as she lives in an isolated place in northern Manitoba and is starting to crack up being there. On the other hand, I have a 40-50% interest level in her because I'm not really attracted to her looks wise and she has a body odour that I'm sort of repulsed by. My mom said it's a dumb idea to go to Manitoba and wants me to stay at home during the holidays, or do something else. She thinks Winnipeg is too cold and snowy this time of year and I'm out of my mind and insane to even think about it. However, the other thing is this, I'm looking for women who have 90% or higher interest levels on me, whether or not I'm actually attracted to them because it feels good that someone is that interested in me. It seems like a nice vacation package if I"m just paying for the airfare.

What I'm planning to do: I'm planning on coming with some excuse why I can not make it to Winnipeg, such as a family issue coming up so she will not feel bad at my response. She's waiting for me to come back to confirm the arrangements.

Input sought here: It seems that I have assessed this situation and properly responded to it. I'd like to see what other people's take on this is, and if they were in my shoes if they would see this as a nice vacation arrangement, or if they would be potentially leading on a girl that obviously has a higher interest level than you do.

My concept is that if she has a very high interest level and is doing stuff like calling multiple times a day, even if I don't pick up the phone, rationalizes my behaviour or ignoring her calls in a positive light like I'm not available or am busy, or my cell phone is disconnected -- then the reality is - she has a high interest level and I'll be leading her on if I indulge anything about her -- unless my own interest level is on par with hers or at least 10 or 20% lower -- but not a 40% discrepency or someone is going to get hurt.

Comments?

Using people to feed your ego is a pretty selfish thing to do.

Using people to feed your ego is a pretty selfish thing to do.

Agree 100%

On the more selfish side, I don't see how spending time with someone who is attracted you when you are not attracted to them could be in any way relaxing. Plus, if she's spending money on getting you out there, she's probably going to expect a return on her investment.

I also think that the high interest level is not that, probably more a response to your lack of availability that speaks of unfortunate mental patterns that you probably don't want to get mixed up in.

i have to comment on this. i live in winnipeg and with the windchill it is like -40 right now, in the past week i've heard winnipeg has broken several 'coldest day we ever had' records! winnipeg is a beautiful city, but it's lost when it's this cold...i wouldn't think of coming here for a 'vacation'.

Secondly, i have to agree with everyone else. don't lead on this woman u are clearly not that intersted in. its a waste of both your time and money

Hey, I'm from Winnipeg! I actually miss the snow. Maybe not -40 C temperatures, though!

It sound like you're a very practical person, and you've chosen a very fair path in the end. It's too bad you're at a time when you prioritize admiration so highly! Hopefully you find someone with mutual interest.

It's good to get involved with a girl when your interest level is slightly lower than hers. Anytime your interest level is higher than hers then she perceives you as needy. The lower my interest level the more natural it is for me to act like a man.

It's good to get involved with a girl when your interest level is slightly lower than hers. Anytime your interest level is higher than hers then she perceives you as needy. The lower my interest level the more natural it is for me to act like a man.

Key word: Slightly.

The OP sounds barely interested in her and on the look out for a free holiday. Thats acting like a mooch and not like a man.

Well you are talking about my home. And yeah, it's cold. But beautiful right now at least by my standards actual winter and I was getting worried there that global warming was going to keep it so soft all through December.

Anyways.

I'm glad you aren't coming. Not just because of weather, heck you might enjoy that, but this lady and this situation do not sound like something to get messed up in.

I'd worry less about hurting her little heart here than you getting in some situations you don't want to be in. She may be stuck out on a res or isolated as you say here, but that doesn't necessarily make her quaint and without danger.

Honestly, basic safety one oh one. And please, if you are getting ego strokes out of this, that's more concerning regarding you than for her from my point of view. I've got cash in my pocket that would go on the table to back up she probably is running this gig past more than just one man (being you).

So being perfectly honest I think you are coming accross really naive here, and kinda self destructive. Like you don't care about yourself.

That concerns me more than whether or not you think this is a good vacation opportunity. When two people who don't really care that much about themselves meet up, bad things happen. I don't want that to happen to you.

sorry for getting all protective. just my opinion.

I've got cash in my pocket that would go on the table to back up she probably is running this gig past more than just one man (being you).

I don't think she's really corresponding with anyone else, otherwise her interest level would be at a rational amount. She really does call me like five or six times a day and takes up allot of phone time.

I had to develop policies of rationing the time to 30 minutes per day, and then I had to further ration it to 30 minutes every second to third day to try and keep a bit of a distance. She says she really has no one to talk to up there and I'm the only guy taking her on. She has a nice voice on the phone and all that.

So, how much would you like to bet since I'd like to make some money?

In terms of the overall situation -- I don't know, it's unchartered territory. First of all, I have never been with a woman before in this context, so irrespective of my interest level it's all going to be weird with me. Despite my low relative interest in her, I have a very high comfort level with her and feel she is a very low maintenance woman that will not give any problem.

My mom will always have a vested interest in me not taking a plane and going into some unchartered territory and is doing her utmost to discourage the idea.

However, reading Doc Lov's the System book has guided me to see things in a different light and rationalize things as I put in my post. The reality is, it's not an innoscent nice vacation that's 60% subsidized by her, I may be leading someone on and playing with someone's heart and on principle that's wrong - especially when it's -40 celcius in Winnipeg and I'm staying away a week somewhere and potentially sleeping in a motel or hotel in the same room as her. That's a bit of a shock experience for me.

On principle, I can not stay in a hotel or motel with someone unless I'm engaged to them, or there is a strong mutual interest with marriage in the air, then that's another story, otherwise, I'm putting myself in a risky situation since I'm sexually curious virgin. Anyway that's how I'm assessing it for now. I know she is a Black woman from Haity who is a born-again Christian and Baptised with the Holy Spirit and speaks with a French accent and is one of the lowest maintenance woman that I know so I don't really think there is any threat of harm on this -- other than misleading someone and being in an isolated location with someone of the opposite sex that I'm not engaged to.

Wow! Are you for real? How can you play with someone like this? If you are not as interested in her as she is in you - why not just tell her so and stop stringing her along?

I wish she really knew you - she wouldnt give you the time of day if she did.

Wow! Are you for real? How can you play with someone like this? If you are not as interested in her as she is in you - why not just tell her so and stop stringing her along?

How am I playing her? She is telling me I'm the only person (including any male or female in her environ or family) that is taking her on otherwise she will have no one to talk to. I don't mind being charitable on the phone and helping her out - and I think it's mutual there.

I wish she really knew you - she wouldnt give you the time of day if she did.

I think she already knows me, but she'll still call anyway. I told you she has a 90% or over interest level. Any girl with an interest level that high will let you get away with murder until you lower her interest level - that's why I like high interest level girls.

She also knows that I'm accountable to my folks and the ultimate decision is theirs as well, and they are unlikely to decide in favour of something like that.

I would not reccommend you persue this.

Speaking from experience, i was in a 6 month relationship with a guy who utterly adored me. I wasn't attracted to him but the fact that he was so needy somehow appealed to me because i had just come from a relationship where i was pretty much ignored 24/7. I didn't even enjoy his personality.

I ended up breaking up with him when i realised what i was doing and wasn't able to lose this guy for 12 months after the breakup as he would not let go easily.

Its a waste of time!

In the end the other person will get hurt. Unless you end up with them for life and thats a pretty sad life if you don't particularly care for them!!

Though you run the risk of getting hurt, wouldnt you rather spend your time with someone you love being with who feels the same as you do??

I am not going to see her. I made a polite excuse that I have other family engagements during that time and I would not be able to make it. Mom feels bad that she contributed to hurting her feelings. I am happy that I got back to her and resolved the matter.

I'm now starting to feel sorry I didn't go, or I'm starting to really feel a connection with her. What the heck is going on with me. She was enthuasitic on the phone about meeting me just a while ago. She didn't call at all today (yesterday I told her I couldn't make it due to some family arrangement. Maybe these are just ghost thoughts (i.e. you do something, then you get a slight feeling about it that goes away but doesn't reflect real interest) - or is my interest level starting to creep upwards.

It has nothing to do with how she is looking or smelling now, it's just some intangible feeling of love, sort of abstract.

Are you sure it's not just because she seems further away now that you're not going?

The unthinkable just happened. She lost her mind when she said I was not coming and is now in a hospital somewhere. She called me and I returned her call to find out what happened. She said some personal things happened with her, she got disillusioned with a religious ministry, and said when I said I couldn't come to Winnipeg to meet her, she cracked up.

I phoned the hospital where she was staying at and she's going alright now. God save my soul if I'm getting any sick ego-high that some lady just lost her mind over me. She asked me if I loved her, and I told her I love her but usually don't say stuff like that because people ususally don't believe it if I say it, and she told me she loves me too.

I maintained it was my mom's decision not to go, and I had to abide by my mom's decision because I live at home, and since I cant afford to move out, have to live under the tyranny of my mom as to who I may or may not date. However - I usually hide behind my mom (or even here) for my true interest.

I'm so desperate for a woman in my life that I will say "I love you" to virtually anyone who loves me or has a high interest level, so I may have even meant what I said. What is going on here?

Her condition is still stabalizing. Talked to her again today. She told me she missed me, and I told her I missed her too. She told me she loved me, and I told her that I loved her too. My mom believes something is building and she'll be disappointed later -- but don't say anything until she's outside back into society.

She's a Hatian Black French speaking girl with a mouth that looks like a horse and a smell that resembles dead flies. She has a nice voice and whatever she is saying to me sounds nice.

My mom believes, and I concur, that Haitans as a whole are full of African religion and customs, which include vodoo and curse like stuff. If you look at her background -- it sounds curse-like.

For example, she bought a home with tenants renting upstairs. The tenants never paid their share of rent and complained they didn't want to help her pay the mortgage. She got them evicted through the judicial process. By that time she was so behind on her mortgage payments (high interest mortgage because she had a low credit score) that the bank took over the property. Desperately, another tenant was brought in for upstairs rent. She turned out to be a drug addicted prostituted that left the floor with her dog feces and had a line of clients showing up to do tricks with her. A tenant in the basement apartment (which was shared with her) videotaped the prostitute servicing her johns and forwarded it to the police where she was arrested later.

Eventually she had to flee the house as it went on Power of Sale. She lived in Sudbury being supported by unemployment insurance at a cheaper rental place. Eventually she moves to northern Manitoba in an isolate Indian reserve where she teaches there. Just recently she was part of a Ministry that promised that she would get millions of dollars if she supported the ministry. She kept supporting this ministry and the ministry sent her cake, by mail, to eat so she can get wealthy. I told her it was a scam and not to have anything to do with this ministry. She would not listen to me.

Then it comes to the place she wants me to come down to Winnipeg to meet her. When I turn her down she goes crazy and into a mental hospital, where she is residing now.

It seems, everything about this story sounds like some sort of curse, and involving myself into her life sounds like some sort of curse will be shared with me. I made a deal with her back in August last year and I've noticed my own Real-Estate sales seemed to have nose-dived sometime after August last year. It's like I had a lucky streak where I made lots of money during the winter-spring of 2007, with a few summer deals. AFter that, my business has nose-dived in production, and what I have is only because I saved and I live at home by the grace of God, or I"d be totally gone. I wonder if doing business with her has contributed to my curse, or if there is some real curse stuff going around -- but now when my mom talks about Haitans being involved in vodoo curses and stuff like that -- it sort of scares me.

I just don't know what to make of it -- it's just all weird. I'll eventually have to tell her I'm not interested or don't see a future with her, but not while she's in a mental hospital or unstable as I don't want to see her go on the deep end. It puts me in a difficult spot. Maybe I'll just have to go along with it or something for the time being.

It seems like I'm playing games with this girl unintentionally because I don't want to hurt her feelings and portray my interest level at one that is realistic to what it actually represents. I do not know what is holding me back. When she says that she loves me, I usually respond with "I love you" right back to her. If she asks me to come to Winnipeg, I make up an excuse that the ticket prices are now higher since I didn't book sooner so I cant come.

The reality is, it seems I want ** a woman ** in my life, and that will taint my interest level with any woman who is showing a high degree of interest in me because she will look like an easy ego-fix, or some sort of easy woman that I can readily connect with, rather than genuinely really having a healthy interest level in her that is close to hers. I'm also assuming she doesn't really have a genuine interest in me either as no guy is chasing her or taking her seriously if they are (i.e. may just use her for sex if she's too ugly) - and she's in an isolated area. She may also have a case of an 'inflated interest level' due to factors of desperation.

I was thinking of waiting until she's discharged from the hospital and just decreasing the amount of times I'm picking up the phone. Maybe zip her an email explaining that I feel my interest level in her is lower than hers is with me and I do not want this to end badly down the road. If she wants to talk or connect with me occasionally or come down here and meet me in the future - that's fine -- as long as she doesn't read much further into it than the boundaries that I feel comfortable with. It would seem that I would like her as a 'friend', or a 'friend with benefits', but not much further than that.

Her condition is still stabalizing. Talked to her again today. She told me she missed me, and I told her I missed her too. She told me she loved me, and I told her that I loved her too. My mom believes something is building and she'll be disappointed later -- but don't say anything until she's outside back into society.

 

She's a Hatian Black French speaking girl with a mouth that looks like a horse and a smell that resembles dead flies. My mom believes, and I concur, that Haitans as a whole are full of African religion and customs, which include vodoo and curse like stuff. If you look at her background -- it sounds curse-like.

 

but now when my mom talks about Haitans being involved in vodoo curses and stuff like that -- it sort of scares me.

 

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I think you are a very mean spirited person. You ARE stringing her along even if you say you are not.

I think its called 'keeping your options open'

You are playing with her and thats not right.

Also - you might want to stop listening to your mother.

I think you are a very mean spirited person. You ARE stringing her along even if you say you are not.

I think its called 'keeping your options open'

You are playing with her and thats not right.

Also - you might want to stop listening to your mother.

So, what am I supposed to tell her without being rude or making her stay in a mad-house longer?

So, what am I supposed to tell her without being rude or making her stay in a mad-house longer?

I was afraid to tell you that I'm not interested in you because I didn't want to contribute to setting your recovery back a step.

I was afraid to tell you that I'm not interested in you because I didn't want to contribute to setting your recovery back a step.

Right, so I'd probably say this after she is outside of the hospital rather than now when she is supposed to be discharged. Or, better yet, just send an email.

I think the consensus here and at home is that 'something' is building up and an intervention is needed if I'm not "in love" with her.

Right, so I'd probably say this after she is outside of the hospital rather than now when she is supposed to be discharged. Or, better yet, just send an email.

 

I think the consensus here and at home is that 'something' is building up and an intervention is needed if I'm not "in love" with her.

Say it while she's still in the hospital just in case she does react. Say it as soon as possible so you can stop living a lie.

Yes, I agree with you Ready2Heal..

Tell her now before you screw her up any more....

Without saying anything, I just told her that my cell was off and I didn't talk to anyone (which was true) and that I needed a break from her for at least a few weeks, but she's welcome to continue calling occasionally. I believe that it should be pretty obvious by this new posture that a 'message' indirectly should have come accross.

This lady owes me another $ 1100 from a loan I gave her earlier, and if I ever hope to get my money back, I have to be careful what I'm telling her. It's not just that, she has a nice voice and I enjoy talking to her on the phone. It's just that I'm not "in love" with her or "infatuated" with her - but I like talking to her on the phone now and then as long as nothing is building out of that and a message is maintained that nothing should build out from that.

My mom spoke to her on the phone for an hour. She is now good friends with my mother. My mom likes talking to all my friends.