What a "dumper" feels

I just read a relationship book by a well-known psychologist (Dr. Bonnie Weil). Very interesting! She says that during the first few weeks of a breakup from a VIABLE long-term relationship (one year or longer) where feelings seemed to have changed, the "dumper" feels mostly RELIEF (they've had a difficult decision hanging over their head for some time, but now they've made it and the pressure is off) and GUILT for hurting the "dumpee". To help themselves get over the guilt, they keep telling themselves and everyone else that they're sure they made the right decision. They need to convince themselves of this. If they started second-guessing themselves at this point it would only add to their guilt, and this is the last thing they want.

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE. It's only after about two months that they really start experiencing the reality and the void of what life is like without you, and their true feelings begin to slowly surface. Gradually their mind starts to wonder whether they really did make the right decision. This can take another couple of months, and it's only then that they can consciously open themselves up to the possibility of reconciliation. Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

This just shows that it takes considerable time for the dumper to process their feelings and thoughts. If the process is forced it can be stopped dead in its tracks and even revert to earlier stages.

So about 4 months with most of it in NC seems right. I am sure they miss us at some point. But we are usually smart enouph by then.

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back so move on in the meantime.

Well coming from a dumper...what you say has alot of truth to it, but I didn't break up with my bf of nearly 5 years because I didn't love him....I miss the good times we shared together, the laughter we had...the great adventures.

But my ex is a hard core drug addict who doesn't take meds for bipolar...I cannot be his savior anymore. I went through hell and back...so my situation was a bit different since chemical dependency was a huge factor...I work in the medical field and tried every avenue to help this poor man and I don't like giving up. Sometimes you just have to let go...I had to finally think of what was best for me for a change.

I wish him the very best in life, it's just going to have to be without me.

~dream~

Ha! I'm at the 4 month post-break mark, and, as you all know from my post, at the very least, my ex is showing some nostalgia now (though who knows if that means he's open to reconciliation). Funny... though, based on the little above, it seems to underscore for me how important it is to not pressure and that it's all about timing.

Yes you are right the initail pressure after the break prolongs the process. It's not until you go away that the process begins.

Well coming from a dumper...what you say has alot of truth to it, but I didn't break up with my bf of nearly 5 years because I didn't love him....I miss the good times we shared together, the laughter we had...the great adventures.

 

But my ex is a hard core drug addict who doesn't take meds for bipolar...I cannot be his savior anymore. I went through hell and back...so my situation was a bit different since chemical dependency was a huge factor...I work in the medical field and tried every avenue to help this poor man and I don't like giving up. Sometimes you just have to let go...I had to finally think of what was best for me for a change.

 

I wish him the very best in life, it's just going to have to be without me.

 

~dream~

Im not in exactly the same situation hon but i do know how you feel, i had to end my relationship with my ex even though i love him because he has too many insecurity/control issues for me to deal with, hes now made it clear that he has someone who is intrested and ill start seeing her if i dont go back, never known anything so difficultg to cope with ever. Im dying inside.

my gf dumped me because i was "hindering her on her path to god" lol i dont know either...she was bipolar and her emotions would flip back and forth making it very difficult...personally i hope she doesnt ever call and gives me a chance to forget her from my life.

I was dumped because my ex-gf because she got GiG syndrome (grass is greener) Im not sure if u can ever trust her with my heart again cuz she ripped it out and did seem to give rats a**

^yep that's pretty much what I'm beginning to believe^

Good riddance though. i need a woman who will truly love and appreciate me. She never has and never will.

my partner and I reconciled after 5mths apart..Yes I was the dumpee...I was very hurt I maintained NO CONTACT..I even sawh him out and about on about 4 or 5 occasions and I didnt blink an eyelid I acted as though I had never seen him before...I was very hurt..but I knew in my heart he had made a rash decision and that it would also take him some time to realise this. he was literally the text book case of your post article..he spoke to other people saying constantly it was the best decision he had made..Ouch that hurt I never once spoke about him to anyone except one close friend. he was being very social going out blah blah..I on the other hand was growing emotionally moved house and was working on myself i got healthier starting exercising which Ive always done and then I forced myself to start dating other men to help me keep moving forward. Then out of the blue he gets in contact with me, wanting to reconcile.. a big thing for him with his huge pride and stubborness. overall we are getting very happy now although in honesty I feel I have grown more than him..Some of our öld"problems in communication are still present but we are working on them...I have had some trust issues that I realise I wasnt letting go of and am starting to finally...Our reconciliation would not have happened had we have not had that time apart with NC.. it came down to timing and self realisation and Im glad I trusted my gut instincts on this one because overall we make a great team..

What a fantastic story! Thanks for sharing it. It certainly gives me (and probably many others) further strength to never give up hope (as long as it's realistic hope).

Can i ask you, were you not scared of him hurting you so badly again Lou? Its just thats where i am now, im stuck between getting back with him or just moving on, i kind of feel like id just get hurt all over again and probably worse....

So about 4 months with most of it in NC seems right. I am sure they miss us at some point. But we are usually smart enouph by then.

 

I think it happens even slower if they rebound. I would say 6-8 months in these cases.

 

They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back so move on in the meantime.

Thats really interesting you say that. Just out of curiosity, why do you say 6-8 months with a rebound?

because with a rebound they have someone to comfort them and mask the reality of their f***ed up decision and they wont begin to feel any remorse until they are alone. Then months would have gone by and You would have been moving on with your life while they just begin to feel the effects of both break ups. They either come back to make up of go for a 3rd rebound so they don't have to face the real word again

True. A rebound is like a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It hardly works and only stops the pain temporarily.

I don't think this theory applies to every situation.. my ex said he didn't know if i was the one and that he wanted a chance to see if he'd miss me... we had a fight and broke up... only one email was sent after that fight and breakup... he said he missed me and still thought about me and hoped i was doing well, i never wrote back... it's been 4 months... havent' heard from him or seen him since. I believe he had someone else already though, all signs point to it that he was leaving me for someone else that he'd already met and been talking to and decided that she was more worth it for him and dumped me. I'll never hear from him again, I know it. He was convincing himself it was the best decision though, that part fits, but otherwise no... I wish this applied to every situation becuase then there might still be a chance for him to realize he made amistake. But at this point, I'd assume he's already making wedding plans with the girl he left me for.

Poor girl...I would be feeling quite sorry for her!

Can i ask you, were you not scared of him hurting you so badly again Lou? Its just thats where i am now, im stuck between getting back with him or just moving on, i kind of feel like id just get hurt all over again and probably worse....

Yes in honesty I was terrified of being hurt again...bear in mind I was still hurting, at the time we broke up I honestly thought I was fighting a complete breakdown..at the time we reconciled I was on the cusp of being almost fully healed.. I was in the midst of moving forward and regaining my emotional strength. I was finally taking more steps forward than backwards.in some ways this made reconciling more terrifying as I knew how far I had come and how much I had achieved on my own..We have to remember that life can be a gamble.. There is no guarantees that ANY relationship will last our lifetime or that we wont be hurt..even lesser hurts...by that same person again in the future at some point. it is not reailsitic. What I have learnt is that we can control our negative inputs within a relationship. My partner does not communicate well verbally about his emotions... I have to lead him gently to do this..in the past i could not accept this I wanted him to CHANGE..and of course he couldnt with his family background.. I Know he loves me but I wanted to hear it,... and lots....well we compromise more these days..and I have had to let go of moments when I have felt very hurt in the past by him and I have also learnt very slowly that I was projecting an insecure girl to him, something that took time and effort to admit..In affect he changed me or I should say I allowed him to change me ..Now i am learning to get back to my confident old self.. I llet the small things go... relax more. Life is too short and we truly do have such a good time together and have buckets in common..We have learnt... and are still learning, to balance our differences..I am learning to be more accepting of his ways and surprisingly this is making him be more openly receptive and affectionate in the ways I always wanted him to be..We arent perfect but we have certainly come a long way from where we were and I can only keep my faith we will keep going in the right direction. If you believe in each others goodness and great qualities enough you can overcome so many obstacles that often we are subconsciously responsible for putting there in the first place.

I've been both the dumper and the dumpee. I missed my exes when I was the dumpee, but not for too long except for one man, and he was a grand exception! As the dumper, nope, never missed them. When I dump someone, I really don't care about them anymore and I think they deserve someone who does.

There's a deeper part to the feeling of relief. The release from feeling obligated. The leaver projects the feelings of obligation they had with their parents onto their partner. That is what troubles them.

The partner left behind projects their feelings of being abandoned by their parents.

Both aggravate each others deep issues, and it is no accident. That's the nature of falling in love, these polarities.

This is why giving space is the first step.

I am sorry what you are saying isn't clear to me, can you say that again.

To starlight40 regarding your quote nymphomaniac, my definition of a nymphomaniac is a someone who will trip you up and be underneath you before you hit the floor!!!!

jahur of the uk!!!!

Thats really interesting you say that. Just out of curiosity, why do you say 6-8 months with a rebound?

Because they are still in the excitement stage of a new relationship for the first 3-4 months. It slows it down because they are not alone. When the ecitement of the new relationship starts to fade the temporary relief starts to fade with it and then the process begins. That is why you see so many grass is greener or rebounders coming back after 6 months to a year. And if they don't come back the rebound relationship usually fails anyway.

We the "dumpee" usually have already moved on by this time and are smart enouph to reject them. This is of course if they come back at all.

So my advise is do not count days, weeks, months, or years because it may never happen. Live your life free of your ex and move on. In time they will know if they made a mistake or not, but by then it will make no difference to us.

This is very true. It was only after 5 mos or so of my ex dumping me that he went around telling his parents that he felt some regrets. I can't really get anything out of him since he always keeps his feelings in check and not that I ask anymore, but it's difficult to read him at times. He has been with someone since he broke it off with me and it's going on 10 mos now. She's not accepted by his parents and his family means more to him than anything, which is why I believe this is not at all serious. But whatever, even though I still have feelings for him (and who wouldn't after 7yrs in this relationship) I don't think I could ever get passed the pain that I went through with this break up and the many sleepless nights wishing he was next to me. I have been slowly moving on and I'm ready to fall in love again. Honestly, I'm angry at him for the fact that we could have worked on our problems which was mainly communication and compromise. I don't think I could ever be able to forgive him for hurting me so bad. My health was down on the floor, going from Dr to Dr because of all of this health problems I started experiencing since our breakup because I wasn't taking care of myself. I found myself being a single mother and moving back to my parents house, which is something I never thought would happen to me. I build a home and dreams and everything I had got destroyed. But after all he's put me through, I've come out of it and I know that I'm strong. I've flipped the page of that book that was my life and I'm ready to start a new chapter. And if at the end he decides to come back he's going to feel what I've felt.

Well I can say that all that the OP stated is correct. Although I was the "dumper", she pushed me into becoming it, she didn't hace the balls to come clean about what she wanted.

It's been 2 months since I broke up with my gf and I had been in NC for the last 7 weeks.

On satruday she called and asked if she could drop by my house to drop a christmas present for my family. * * * ?!?!?!?!

Smelling regret all the way.

As a "dumper" who has struggled with his feelings for some time(thus leading me to these boards) I can say that this is somewhat accurate. I wouldn't say relief is what I felt - I actually felt tortured that I hurt someone I did love and still cared about. I did take me a long time to truly come to terms with how I felt - It was a slow process for me beginning a couple months after we broke up and really taking a full year at this point to come to where I am. What's interesting is that I did see my ex on a fairly regular basis for the first 6 months and perhaps that contributed to the length of time it took for me to come to terms with my situation....

We the "dumpee" usually have already moved on by this time and are smart enouph to reject them..

Unfortunate for me....I have learned a painful lesson about my emotions and being honest with myself.