i keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart...

my friends know about my cutting and all of my other problems. and instead of supporting me I have been branded as the crazy one. after they found out that i had been doing it they forced me to give them everything and they got angry with me for doing it and informed me that if they found out i had done anymore they would be calling police.

now, ive been cutting fo years, and its how i deal with things especially when im angry and it seems like thats all ive been lately. It feels like im isolated and not by my own choice. it always seems like someones angry with me for something and i cant do anything right.

im extremly confused becuase im supposed to be getting better. and not just cutting, but everything. but seems like im just kinda defective because im not feeling better.

Hi arientette, are you currently undergoing treatment? I ask because although si was not my problem (I was suicidal), treatment would sometimes unearth things that would make me feel worse for a little while before I could feel a bit better than when I started.

I am getting treatment, and it feels like since I started getting help ive done it more. there are days when I feel completely at ease no worries at all then the next day Im anxious and nervous about anything. but the only place im getting any support is from my thrapist. its almost like my roomates/friends cant be bothered with me. I got told I was stupid for doing it.

Have you let your therapist know that this is happenning to you? I really think when the si behavior increases that is significant. Maybe your therapist will have a satisfactory solution to how you're feeling.

he knows, hes always encouraging to do something different like running, writing, drawing, going out for a drive, walking. And I do all that but It always ends up relatively the same. its all i think about when im doing all of that, and it doesnt go away until i do.

Maybe you have something else going on. I think you should tell him what you just told me. It sounds like he really cares and maybe there are other things to try.

he knows most of it. i only just started opening up in these sessions and ive been seeing him since may. it does make me feel better being on here and talking to and reading about others. everyone seems so supportive and concerned.

also im not sure how to tell my parents?

What do you feel obligated to tell them exactly?

that i do it. they have no idea that i do or for how long i have been doing it. which is since i was seventeen.

When you tell them, what reaction are you afraid they might have? Could you have them come to your appointment with the therapist and tell them there?

I'm afraid that they will be angry or confused or have me comitted. and they cant they live three states away.

Maybe you can write a letter to them and have your therapist sign it and put his contact information on it. I know it sounds a bit dependent, but it's okay and it might go a long ways to helping them cope if they can call him for clarification (with your permission of course, that's the law).

my friends know about my cutting and all of my other problems. and instead of supporting me I have been branded as the crazy one. after they found out that i had been doing it they forced me to give them everything and they got angry with me for doing it and informed me that if they found out i had done anymore they would be calling police.

 

now, ive been cutting fo years, and its how i deal with things especially when im angry and it seems like thats all ive been lately. It feels like im isolated and not by my own choice. it always seems like someones angry with me for something and i cant do anything right.

 

im extremly confused becuase im supposed to be getting better. and not just cutting, but everything. but seems like im just kinda defective because im not feeling better.

Hey girl!

How you doing?

I'm glad you made a post about yourself, its nice to hear from you.

Ok cutting.. your friends are wrong to do that, and that must hurt so much hun, cutting is NOT crazy, i believe that. Maybe its just too hard a thing for them to deal with? I struggle even though i understand it so well knowing that the people around me cut, who i am friends with, it feels like "if they really knew i cared they wouldn't cut", though in reality of course it is not about them or their relationship with you, but they may not understand that.

How long have you been cutting hun.

I am getting treatment, and it feels like since I started getting help ive done it more. there are days when I feel completely at ease no worries at all then the next day Im anxious and nervous about anything. but the only place im getting any support is from my thrapist. its almost like my roomates/friends cant be bothered with me. I got told I was stupid for doing it.

You say you're getting treatment... for what hun? the cutting alone? I'm glad you've started to open up to your therapist hun. he sounds like he knows what he is doing.

Has he asked you 'why you cut'? when you first started and why?

You see,.. cutting is helping us to deal when a lot of things go wrong at once, usually as a teenager. it works out the pain. but the pain is still there hun, you know that because u cut. The way to stop is honestly to learn to deal again with the pain around you, learn to use emotions, and words about feelings. and that sometimes means going back to the past,and confronting it. working through why you started. then it can be put to rest.

as for the state of triggering you talk about... you have to fight it. this is the time to come on here more than ever before, and make a post about feeling 'triggered to cut' and people will talk you through it. or if theres no one around, dial a helpline. please. and talk to someone. Wait it out. once you've waited it out one night, the urge NEVER comes back that strong again. it comes back, but you've beat it so its not stronger than you anymore.

also im not sure how to tell my parents?

do your parents need to know hun? Is it something you really want to tell them? theres no reason to force yourself to tell them, they may be afraid of it and not understand. Its up to you, i know their support would be nice.

Keep talking to us hun,

you sound like a lovely person.

are you out of state at school?

xxx

im good for the most part. ive been cutting since i was seventeen and ill be twenty in dec so four years on and off? im being treated for dsthymia anxiety and obsessive compulsive personality. which is were the thoughts come from. ive never been suicidal, and i sure dont do it to feel anything, if anything its to put why im angry, sad, hurt, confused into something i can see. my therapist only just found out about it a couple sessions ago. he has asked why i do it, and i explained sometimes i feel like i need to be punished or im angry and the thought pops into my head.

id like to tell them, im not sure why, it feels like something i should do im just not sure when or how to inform them.

yeah i am out of state at school. military kid and all.

arientette, are you into any form of art? music, writing, drawing, painting? I'm wondering if an alternative form of expression might give you another choice.

i love music. it has made me feel better on so many occasions and i like to draw, paint and write but i havent been inspired for a while.

i love music. it has made me feel better on so many occasions and i like to draw, paint and write but i havent been inspired for a while.

Those feelings that you described that were inspiring you to manifest them on your body could be manifested in your drawings and paintings instead. If I am missing something, please let me know.

i actually used to be in theatre and loved it. but i had a horrible year when i moved from one place to another and it ended up being one of the reasons i started. and i cant even get excited about reading a play anymore. which i loved to do. im a little frustrated with myself. i dont want to be in this state of mind, where i have to do this but at the same time its scary because it feels like im amputating a limb, getting rid of a core part of myself.

Our passions are part of us. We each have a unique set and much of our happiness is dependent on practicing them. Is there anything you can do to get over your troubles with plays, acting, and theatre?

im good for the most part. ive been cutting since i was seventeen and ill be twenty in dec so four years on and off? im being treated for dsthymia anxiety and obsessive compulsive personality. which is were the thoughts come from. ive never been suicidal, and i sure dont do it to feel anything, if anything its to put why im angry, sad, hurt, confused into something i can see. my therapist only just found out about it a couple sessions ago. he has asked why i do it, and i explained sometimes i feel like i need to be punished or im angry and the thought pops into my head.

id like to tell them, im not sure why, it feels like something i should do im just not sure when or how to inform them.

 

yeah i am out of state at school. military kid and all.

Hi arientette,

That makes so much sense what you said about it taking those feelings of angry, sad, hurt, confused.. into something you can see.

How often do you self-harm?

Well do youre parents know about the depression/ocd? might be an easier starting point, you could explain that it was because you were feeling down but you're working through it in therapy now.

i love music. it has made me feel better on so many occasions and i like to draw, paint and write but i havent been inspired for a while.

i actually used to be in theatre and loved it. but i had a horrible year when i moved from one place to another and it ended up being one of the reasons i started. and i cant even get excited about reading a play anymore. which i loved to do. im a little frustrated with myself. i dont want to be in this state of mind, where i have to do this but at the same time its scary because it feels like im amputating a limb, getting rid of a core part of myself.

It sounds to me like you've been going too fast for too long without any real rest. Have you ever taken some time out to 'be with yourself' and to recuperate. to rest, eat right, and get back in touch with yourself spiritually.. read books you used to love, have a lot of time to think, keep up with therapy, and when you have cleared all the other clutter out of your life for a few days you will realise the things you are missing, and they are whats important. perhaps you will really want to read your plays again then. you need to slow down. and figure out are you happy? and if not what can you do to change that. its your life. i know you must be moving too fast because cutting is a quick fix to help us to keep moving.

its gonna be ok though hun, you're taking all the right steps. keep talking to us.

girl friend

They do know why im in there, they know all about the ocd and depression, not the other stuff. and about moving to fast for too long? if never felt completely settled, my dads in the military and we moved every couple years, and even now that im three states away and no one can make me move if i dont want too, it feels like someone will. and i wont have a choice in the matter.

i forgot to answer how often, i did it on and off for two years and stopped for about six months when i started dating this guy and he hated it and would be angry with me if i even told him i felt like i wanted too so i was a little scared of doing it. he was very critical and controlling, and we went through a rought period and i picked it up again and i broke up with him about two months ago and its been every other day that i do since. the only people who seem to think im not crazy are you people and my therapist. because people all seem to have the same reaction of anger.

They do know why im in there, they know all about the ocd and depression, not the other stuff. and about moving to fast for too long? if never felt completely settled, my dads in the military and we moved every couple years, and even now that im three states away and no one can make me move if i dont want too, it feels like someone will. and i wont have a choice in the matter.

arientette, I found it very difficult to make the transition to fully-fledged adulthood. I was scared of making the wrong decisions now that I was responsible for myself. Part of me secretly wished for the security (and lack of responsibility) I had when my parents and other adults made my decisions for me. The lowest time in my life was when I was 23 and I felt that I'd been making poor decisions for 5 years. I was very angry with myself and I didn't think I'd ever catch on to know how to get along in the world and be okay.

I ended up in therapy for a year and it really helped. I was given full permissionm to make mistakes and learn and grow. It was okay to change my mind as often as I wished and I didn't have to please anyone but myself. Having one person's approval (the therapists) made all the difference in the world to me. I had been making decisions that were hurtful to myself but at the same time I had also been making quite a few good decisions. Having assistance sorting out which were which and learning how to tell the difference saved my life.

You are making good decisions along with self-hurtful ones. It's okay to make mistakes and the adjustment to being in charge of your own life takes time. I learned that the freedom to chose my own path was worth the risk of making mistakes. It really is worth the effort, you are a worthwhile person and you are obligated to please nobody but yourself.

it does feel like ive done nothing but wrong since i moved out. every single time i turn around someone wants something from me, money , cleaning all sorts of stuff. and i do secretly want the safety of childhood. following my mom and dad around. im very afraid to make people angry with the wrong decison. and when i do make people angry i punish myself.

Maybe you need a break from having to make all of your own decisions all the time. It's okay to take a step backwards while you regroup and try again. Are you open to living with your parents and getting help to be able to be on your own again when you feel better prepared? Is your parent's home a positive and safe place for you to grow?