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Journal to Mark


KaylaJoy

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I heard about your talk last night with CJ. I know now, because she called me first thing this morning. Part of me feels like she couldn't wait to tell me. Is that fair? Maybe she hadn't planned that. I asked her not to talk to you about me, but she did. And she told me how you feel. I held it together long enough to hang up the phone.

I feel back to being embarrassed again, like I used to feel. I feel extremely humiliated that again you felt like you have to put the brakes on me. Even though you weren't talking to me, you still are giving me limitations, like always. If this, then that. If I behave exactly how you want, then you will be my friend. If I don't say a word about anything controversial or demanding, then you could be my friend, but you know I can't be like that - put in a box or a mold, so you stay away. This you tell to your ex-girlfriend.

I can't be that girl. I can't be the one who pretends like everything's OK, when we both know it's not. I need that connection with you, or I need to stay away. You need no connection with me, or you need to stay away. The really sad part here is that the common denominator for us both is to stay away.

I have that feeling, that sense, that I did two years ago when you gave me an ultimatum of sorts. Only now it's not an ultimatum, because you know I can't be who you want me to be, so you are making a conscious decision to stay away.

What am I supposed to do with this information? How am I supposed to feel? And yet, I realize that you don't really care what I do with it.

I feel like you lied to me. You said you cared. You said you were my friend. You even tell CJ that you care about me, and aren't mad at me. What could you possibly be mad at me about? What have I done to you? It seems like it was awfully big of you to say you weren't mad at me. (yes, sarcasm here noted).

I feel nothing except the strong desire to still stay away, and I'm dreading next week when I have to spend the evening with you at my party, and pretend in the face of others that nothing is out of kilter, and even worse, pretend with you that everything is A-OK, when I feel like my heart is still breaking inside.

Though I would tell no one, deep inside, I wish you wouldn't come next week, I wish you would stay away. It's good for my heart. You have hurt me, used me, lied to me as far as I can see, then turn around and put it back on me and say you aren't mad at me, but you just can't be around me because of how I feel about you. like being in love is such a bad thing.

It feels bad and wrong somehow, and I am mad at you for making me feel that way. You were supposed to be my friend. You were supposed to love me and take care of me, not use me and throw me away, then act like I'm the one with the problem.

I wish i could just get over you. ](*,)

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Just 4 more days til my party, and I will have to look at you with eyes that hide my pain, my fear, my embarrassment, my chagrin, my anger, and my hurt. I will have to pretend with every ounce of strength i have that we are fine, I am fine, and you were right. I will have to show the world that you are nothing to me but dear old friend Mark, and I will somehow have to show and prove to you that I have moved on, and bygones are bygones.

How in the world I am going to do this I have no idea. I dread it. I hate being fake, and you always did see right thru me, no matter what, so at this point my only hope is to stay as far away from you as I can, and hope that with as little contact as I can muster, I might be able to pull it off. You always did know me best though...if you didn't figure it outright, you'd pick and pull at me until I spilled all.

How I miss those days, when we would bare our souls about things that were so deep and personal, never having a moments doubt that our secret was safe with the other. How I miss those days in the apartment when we would sit side by side watching movies, laughing, eating, talking til the wee hours of the morning. We were so innocent then. Little did I know that you were wanting me even then.

So what happened? you got me, and it seemed like it was at a time when you no longer wanted me, and once you had fun for a while, you threw me away. I was thinking today that it's as if you and I never did exist, and even though CJ is married, it's as though your relationship with her is still the only one that mattered. I suppose to you that's true. I feel like a handtowel that you used for awhile, and then tossed aside when you were done.

You don't understand this. I don't know that you ever will, but you should because you lived it with another.

so yeah, the day is coming and I dread it as much as I anticipate it...I still wish you weren't coming, so i don't have to pretend and can just enjoy my party. I have a feeling I'll spend some time in the bathroom, crying, and the question is, will I be able to fake that?

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What’s wrong with me that I can’t accept it’s over, even after 2 ½ years. After months of silence from you, why do I still think of you every day? What’s wrong with me, that you can lie to me, blow me off, insult me, and use me, and I still want you? What is broke inside of me, that I can still want to be with a man who admitted he used me? A man who said he loved me, wanted to hang out with me, said he was my friend – this same man told someone else that he just didn’t feel like dealing with me – he didn’t wish me harm, but just didn’t feel like dealing with it. How can I look myself in the mirror, and still say I want this man, and love this man?

 

Something inside me is broken. Something inside me is messed up.

 

What about all the times before when you wished I still wanted you, when you said you thought about me so many times. What about before when you said you loved me. Why did you change? And why can’t I accept that change?

 

Mark, you did all these things to me. You were supposed to be my friend. You were supposed to love me. But you used me and then walked away, and now admittedly stay away so you don’t have to deal with me and my issues over it all.

 

And yet I claim to still love you.

 

What’s wrong with me????

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I want to stomp; I want to scream; I want to throw something. I want to wail like a banshee, screaming “nooooooo” at that top of my lungs. I want to hit a wall, slam a door, fall down slumped against a wall and beat the floor. I want to cry like I’ve never cried before. And I do none of these things.

 

Seeing you last night at the party was so bittersweet. You looked so good, and once again I was reminded of everything I wanted but couldn’t have. Then when everyone started sharing memories, and you kept silent, and I knew why. We had memories that couldn’t be shared with them. Man, that hurts. And then CJ was throwing in little bits about you and her and your relationship. In front of her husband and everyone else. I was so upset, and sick to my stomach, and perhaps again jealous, or envious. Angry even; she was stealing my glory, my thunder. This was my party. The book. That was my gift from you, and it was special, until she popped up and said that you had did that for her too, in front of everyone. Or when you and I were talking and she walked by and you reminded her of something you two had done, and she swatted at you, playfully. It’s not fair. She’s married. Yet somehow, she still prevails. She made sure I knew yesterday that you two have talked about it, and you both agreed you could have made it and been happy. Ever reminding me it was always you and her. I was just the side show.

So here I am and there you are. We made plans to get together soon, but who knows if we will. Today I am afraid. I am still so in love with you, and I am blinded by my own pain and hurt of not having you, and I know that if we did hang out, it would only be for one night, and then it would be 6 months before I would see you again, and that thought is torture, so much so that perhaps it is easier to not see you at all. That is what I am thinking today, that as much as I long to be with you, just spend a few hours with you uninterrupted, I am afraid the minute you drive away I will fall apart – once again.

 

I just want to get over you. I want to let you go. I don’t want to love you anymore. They say love is a choice, but I don’t believe that. You are in my heart buried somewhere deep inside, and I am struggling to find the key to unlock that door and expel you and I can’t find it, and I suffer because of it. I hurt because of it. I ache because of it. I get physically ill because of it. Some days I fear that you will be here until I die. That I will never move on and find another; that my doom is to love you for the rest of my life and watch you move through your life as if we never loved at all.

 

I know in my heart God does not want me to be unhappy, He does not want me to be miserable, and if you and I were supposed to be, it wouldn’t be this way, and I know that God can give me the strength to let you go. So everyday I pray. Everyday I will plead to God for deliverance of the memory of you and of what I wanted, because what I wanted is not what we had, and what we had is gone and done, and I want so desperately to move on and accept that. God help me, I do.

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I've been trying so hard to accept it now. Trying to accept that this is God's Will, and I just have to let go and let God. That's the only way I'll overcome this, no doubt. I keep thinking of that song by Vince Gill:

"I've been trying to get over you

I've been spending time alone

I've been trying to get over you

It'll take dying to get it done."

Sometimes that's exactly how it feels. I've stayed away. I haven't called; I haven't texted or emailed or done drive-by's. I've done what I'm clinically supposed to do. But here I am, and there you are, still with my heart. I believe though that if I keep this continually before God, He will make my body obey my confession; my confession that I want His perfect Will to be done, and that I give my heart to Him, to do with as He will. I have figured out that's the only way I will ever get over you. After 2 1/2 years, and no encouragement from you, not even a word in months from you, no hope, no sign of nothing; yet I still love you. After a stubborn love like that, it won't take dying to get over you, it will take God to get over you.

I miss you every day; I want to see you every day; I think about you many times every day; wondering what you are doing, where are you going, how are you feeling, are you sad, do you want to come back Home again.

One day I'll get thru this sea of sadness over the loss of you. One day I'll get thru the day without thinking about you. One day you will no longer haunt the halls of my heart. One day....this will all be better. By God's Grace.

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It's a hard day today...I heard about you being at the bar last weekend with the two girls from last summer, and it crushed me. Again.

After I saw you at church the other night, and then you came to my party, and bought me that book for my birthday, and then said that you wanted a change in your life, I was hopeful. Then today I saw where you had gone drinking last weekend, with those two, and it's like all my hopes just get crushed all over again.

I don't know what to believe in anymore. You tell me to believe in you, that you are my friend. You tell me to trust you. But I don't know what to believe in. I don't know what to trust in. it's as if I don't exist in your world, and all I get is niceties, merely for the sake of niceties. What do I do with those niceties? I don't know. I want to believe in them, and then I find out you are still hanging out and partying with those two girls, and I lose my faith, my trust, my hope.

Did you know that every single time I think of you I ask God to take you out of my heart? I ask him to take this love away that I have for you. I pray that I will move on past this. I don't want to live like this. At this point I'm not even sure what it is that I love, because how can I be in love with someone so dismissive of me? Your life goes on, you party on, you spend time with those in your inner circle, and I'm left to pick up the pieces all on my own, and I suppose that's how it is with everyone; It just sucks. Everytime I pass by the stadium I remember our last date, over two years ago, when we walked out hand in hand. I knew deep in my heart it was over, but hoped against hope that it was just the beginning. You broke my heart into a million pieces two days later when you came and told me it was over and you couldn't be what I wanted, that you didn't love me enough. I don't think I've ever recovered.

Now two years later, I still relive that in my mind. I still think how could you. I still think why? I still cry in my heart over an innocence lost, a friendship lost, a trust lost.

And now I just pray daily that God change my heart, change my mind, change my love. Because right now, I hate loving you.

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I feel forsaken. Forgotten. You of all people weren't supposed to do this to me. Not knowing what the other's did. You were supposed to protect me and love me, like you used to. Not use me, like the others.

You told me that you would call me, but it would be on your time, not mine. With the exception of my birthday, it's been almost 6 months.

Forsaken.

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Anger and frustration.

 

Guilt and aggravation.

 

Doubt and obligation.

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Sadness and sorrow

 

Fear of tomorrow

 

No hope to borrow

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Jealous and envy

 

What the mind sees

 

Powerful toxin

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Forsaken away

 

Nothing to say

 

Someone to pay

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Timeless chatter

 

Age old material

 

No new findings

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Past the conviction

 

Utter contradiction

 

What is fact or fiction

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Instant replay

 

Comedic intervention

 

Historical recount

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

No joy in feeling

 

The pain is reeling

 

Looking for healing

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Highs and lows

 

Pins and needles

 

The gift and the giver

 

The dark side of love.

 

 

 

Forward is salvation

 

Today is revelation

 

Giving realization

 

To the dark side of love.

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I have been thinking about the dark side of love, and realizing I've been living it for the past 2 1/2 years.

I'm ready to move past this. I've donated millions of tears for your sake. I've cried till my eyes could no longer see, all for your sake. I have given energy that I did not have for your sake.

I have walked thru an open door, the wall is up, the door is closed now, and there is nothing to do but move on. The past is behind me. What is, is what never was. There are no more tears to cry, because there is nothing else to cry about. The fountain is exhausted, and I have moved thru an open door, and that chapter of my life - the one where you had me bound by chains of love for you, but no self love for me; that chapter is over. I misread it; I know this now. I read it wrong, and misunderstood the language in which it was written. I fought against this, to the bitter end, but I have finally come to realize that what I was living was the dark side of love. The side no one tells you about. The side no one wants to talk about or write about. When love brings you nothing but pain and self doubt and tears and envy and anger and hurt, and there is nothing good or pleasurable about it. I am leaving that and walking forward.

I was wrong. But so were you.

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I've been doing ok...got that wall put up in my mind...the one with the door that I've walked thru, leaving you and a whole lot of pain and shame behind it. Everytime I start to cry over you I remind myself of all the tears I've already cried, and that I'm done doing that. That chapter is closed. It's done.

That being said, I did dream about you last night, and it was sad. I dreamed you were hanging around my place with some friends, and you kept hanging, not really to spend time with me as much as just something to do I guess. But then you got up to leave, and came over to talk to me, and when you did there was a sadness to it, and I touched your cheek with my hand and we said a few words and you walked away, and in that moment I knew that whatever chemistry that had been there between us - was still there - after all this time. And that was sad to me, to know that we still had that connection but could do nothing about it. It's like an old familiar song that you know all the words to, but are no longer allowed to sing.

Just goes to show how you have touched the very soul of me. You will be the one love in life I will remember forever. And sometimes I hate that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's so weird in a way; I'm actually doing OK...I miss you every once in a while, but things are so much clearer to me now. All the times you were "too busy" to call, email, or come over...you weren't "too busy"...I know that now. You didn't want to because it was your choice, but you didn't want to come out and say that, that would have been too difficult. I talk to your mom and your brother and they throw in a "oh Mark emailed me this" or "Mark texted me that" or "Mark came over twice this week and hung out" or "Mark stayed home and read a book all evening" and I kept wondering why Mark didn't take those opportunities to come see me and now I know. I'm not angry about it, it hurts a little still, maybe stings is a better word, but I'm not angry. I'm just filled with the realization that I was so disillusioned about what I thought we had. I thought we were real friends, real comrades, not just lovers, and maybe once upon a time, a very long time ago, maybe we were. But not anymore. I'm not even sure when that changed. I think it must have been sometime before books and hugs and kisses, because I think if you had truly loved and respected me as a friend, you wouldn't have used me all those months. You wouldn't have let yourself do that to me, regardless of what I wanted. You wouldn't have disrespected me all that time, you wouldn't have lied to me, you wouldn't have used me or hurt me, if you truly had loved me as your friend, because we try to protect the ones we love. One mistake is acceptable. Twice is dealable. But four months says a lot about what you really thought about me. I know that now. That's why it's frustrating for me when CJ tells how much you still are my friend. No, that's not what we are. I don't know what we are. I know it's very strange for you to go months and months without contacting me (except on my birthday) and then when you do, it's to comment on my facebook that I'm wrong most of the time so why not get paid for it. I sat stunned when I read that, not knowing how to react, or what you meant even. Once again you were being rude and unkind, totally unsolicited and for no reason. And I have no clue why. It's almost as if you have animosity towards me, but why? You were the one who hurt me, broke my heart and walked out on me, remember?

Yet I know if I confronted you with it, you would blow me off and say it was nothing and you were kidding. Only it's not funny.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm OK. I don't have warm fuzzy feelings when I think of you now. I still love you, always will, but I don't think I like you anymore, and I know the difference.

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Just got off the phone with you. Man that was weird. And so sad. I miss the Mark that was my friend, my confidante, and my love. I would listen to you with rapt attention; laugh at your jokes, and try to be the "perfect" listening (aka; girlfriend) friend. Now tonight I listened to you, laughed at times, but also was very aware of the magnificent ego you have (still), and of the crassness you have now that you used to not have. I hesitated before I called you, because I recall vividly what CJ said about how you felt about me, and it sticks in my craw, and as I called, even as I dialed, I wondered if you even wanted to talk to me, or did you dread even seeing my number pop up on your caller ID?

You took my call. I was surprised. Makes me wonder about all the many times when we were in our relationship that you did NOT take my call...were you ignoring me all those times?

So 40 some minutes later, we run out of things to say. You did ask about me about how I was doing, and I said a few things and then you were done, and then it was as if the curtain had dropped and there were no more words. I picked up on that cue and politely excused myself, saying I only wanted to call and check on you since you had said you were having trouble at work, on your Facebook page, and I was concerned. We ended with a polite "you take care" and that was it. Mark, what has HAPPENED to us?? We are like strangers!! We went from being the very best of friends, and being very close lovers, shared everything, to almost enemies, to now being just NOTHING. I sit and scratch my head in wonderment...what has happened to Mark and Kayla?? You told me when we first became "involved" that NOTHING would ever change Mark and Kayla. But it did, and I hate it. As much as I loved you, I would give up the intimate nature of our relationship if we could have kept our closeness, and our friendship...we made a mistake when we became involved. I know that now. You told me last spring that you had no regrets. I do.

I thought about you when I was driving home today, and I teared up. First time I've done that in a while. Makes me feel like I'm not as over you as I thought I was, which is annoying. But then I talk to you tonight, and it's like I still have tape over my mouth, and can't say what I really want to. I'm afraid to...afraid you don't want to hear it in the first place, and afraid that you will shut me off or shut me out, and I'll end up feeling stupid...like I always did. I'm afraid you won't be honest with me, or you will give me 'pleasantries' or 'niceties' just because...because as CJ says, you don't want to deal with me and my issues over our relationship. I think that's what bothers me the most is that thing that you used to feel for me that made you want to be with me or be around me? that button has been turned off, and I'm very aware of that, and that makes me feel handicapped around you. I don't know what to say, because what I want to say to you, you apparently don't want to hear. I feel so melancholy when I'm talking to you; like I've moved on in years and in life, and you are still exactly where you were two years ago, still a kid, still running wild and free.

If I could wish any wish, I don't know that I would wish for you back though. There are things about you that I love, and things about you that I miss. I used to feel so safe and warm with you, but now I wonder if I was only warming myself by a painted fire? Did you EVER really care about me? Did you ever really love me?

John once told me that most guys choose women based on how they make him feel about himself. If that is true, i guess it makes sense, because I used to worship the ground you walked on, then I came to detest it, and I know at first I would tell you what you were doing right, and then later, what you were doing wrong. I suppose that doesn't fall in line with making you feel good about yourself, does it? The problem is, I can't even tell you I'm sorry, because you don't want to hear it. At least I think you don't. And I don't want to give in and apologize for that, because you caused me so much pain and humiliation, and hurt and betrayal.

The really sad thing is coming home today I told myself that you didn't want me because my looks and my weight. but that didn't stop you two years ago. how do you just "unlove" someone you claimed to have cared for all those years? How do you just stop being my friend when we were so close for over a decade?

I feel stuck. Really really stuck. I want to talk to you. I want to get all this out. I want some kind of closure. And instead I feel like a total stranger talking to you. I feel no warmth from you at all, and I'm so wary because of what CJ says, that I honestly don't know what I can say to you and still feel like it's "safe" conversation. So I'm stuck. And I hate it. And I don't know what to do about it. Except pray.

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  • 1 month later...

Started out listening to Alison Kraus this morning, and right away it took me to you. So many songs, so many thoughts and memories. You stuck with me all day today. First time you've done that in a while.

Then I came home and found your message on Facebook. Just when I think you have absolutely written me off, you throw a curve ball...I don't get you...I was thinking today about when you told me that looking back, we could have made it...that you saw us being together for years down the road, but you didn't see us together forever. That still confuses the mess out of me, even though I know it's water under the bridge.

 

I don't know what to say...I'm over you, yet I still love you. I forgive you, but I am still hurt. You don't owe me any explanations, yet I need answers. I live most of my days believing that you hate me, despise me, and detest the thought of me. But I cannot turn my back on you. This is hard sometimes.

](*,)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Man you're killing me here...I keep hearing bits and pieces of what you are doing, where you are going, who you are hanging with, and it hurts. I feel slighted. I feel dumped. I feel set aside and no longer valuable to you or useful to you and it hurts, and it's tough to keep biting my lip day after day and not say anything.

I don't know why it still bothers me, but it does. I don't know why the mention of your name still gets to me, but it does.

Drives me nuts, and it hurts, and I don't know what's worse. When you went away I wish you could have taken your memory with you. ](*,)

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  • 2 months later...

Three years ago this week we shared our first kiss. One year ago this week we had our last date, and it was the last time you set foot in my house. Wow. Now here we are, barely speaking, avoiding each other, pretending that "we" never existed. It's no longer as hard as it used to be, and I have come to accept it as the Lord's will in my life, and can finally be OK with it. But I still miss you, and I still think about you, and when I saw you the other day downtown, it caught my breath, and I turned away from you, because I realized I'm not ready...I still care....and for a moment, it still hurt.

 

How is that possible? How is it possible that a man who rejected me, told me he used me, said he just couldn't be a good boyfriend to me, said he couldn't see forever with me, said he didn't want me because I had a kid, and he didn't love me (even though you once said you did), and basically let me know I just wasn't good enough for you....how can it be possible that I could still love a man like that? Or even look twice at him. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me that I would still even consider you...that I still even care about you, or would want you in my life....how could I, why would I, want a man that did and said all those things to me?? Why do I still dream about you sometimes in the night? Why do I still think about you almost every day? Why do I still flinch when I hear your name?

 

I have no answer. Only that I know I'm safe where I'm at now...you cannot hurt me anymore; you cannot reject me from here, you cannot love me then leave me, and you will never again know what's going on inside this heart of mine, because I'll never let it show how much you still get to me.

 

So I see you, and I remember, but anymore, mostly they are bad memories. I dreamed about someone else last night, dreamed about kisses with someone else, and when I awoke this morning, I realized that even in my dreams, no one will ever get to me like you did. No one will ever knock me off my feet, make me sweat behind the knees, and tear me apart like you did. Like you still do.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm trying to avoid thinking about you every day, but I never succeed. Seems like there's always something to remind me or make me think about you. Last night I went out with CJ, and your name did not come up once, yet I thought about you all evening, wondered where you were, who you were with, do you ever think of me?....the list goes on....

 

I do realize one important thing however, which is key to my moving on (which I am doing however slow it may seem). My memories of you and I together are seldom good ones....they may start out good, and I'll remember how happy I was, but then the next memory is how disappointed I was or how hurt I was when you did this or did that. It's like every good memory is wiped away by two bad ones, and I no longer see that our relationship was a good thing. The sad part is that I think about who you were to me, and I realize that I didn't even like who you were as a person. You weren't the same sweet Mark from 10 years ago. This new and unimproved Mark was a jerk, and I didn't care, because I just wanted you.

 

So, day by day....I guess it gets better....I'm waiting for the day I can go the whole day and never think of you once. Sweet victory.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel slammed tonight. I read your Facebook comment about lost friends, and I realized that I am one of your "lost" friends, and I feel....I feel....angry, hopeless, mad, sad, hurt, rejected, and then back to angry. Angry because your other "friend" says she doesn't like your friends, and that at least you don't block people (which you do!)....so that makes me wonder what have you told her that makes her make comments like that? Hopeless because I have no clue how to change any of this. I don't know what to say to you, so I didn't respond to the comment on FB. Mad because YOU did this. You made the choice to avoid me and disengage me from your life. Hurt because you were supposed to be my friend, and that wasn't supposed to change. Rejected because I loved you so much, and you used me, then threw me away and basically said I wasn't good enough. And that takes me back to angry, because you hurt me, you left me, you deleted me from your life, you blocked me from your Facebook even, and then you want to comment on remembering lost friends.

 

If it weren't for the fact that I KNOW God has a plan in all this, I would be distraught, but I know it's all OK. I know there's a reason, and I think that God has a purpose in all this, and I am trusting him for the outcome. And trying not to be mad at you in the process.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow. After 2 months of not seeing you or talking to you, 5 minutes in the same room with you tonight had me reduced to tears. How does that happen?

 

Every time I think I'm good as gone, something reminds me...like seeing you tonight, and trying to pretend that I feel nothing....because I know that is what you feel, and I know that is what you expect of me...nothing...

 

I'm trying hard, but I haven't quite forgotten us, and it still makes me sad, and it still makes me cry, and it still makes me mad, but only sometimes. Tonight is one of those times.

 

Someday, you will not be more than just a memory. ](*,)

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  • 1 month later...

How can it be....after all this time....

 

Is it some cruel twist of fate that will not allow me to let you go. How is it possible that even now I am in tears; over a two sentence email from you. I am doubting myself at every turn; what was too much, what was not enough. Even now, should I reply, should I not reply....

 

I am just stunned, amazed even, at myself, and my stubborn heart....I saw your picture the other day, and outwardly - I didn't feel much. It wasn't the outward that got me, near as much as the inward. I miss you Mark. If I thought it would help, or change something, I might even tell you that, but it won't. In my mind, you have written me off as a bad debt...maybe someone you owed something to a long time ago, but not anymore. Truthfully I am surprised you responded to my email. I almost didn't expect it.

 

It just sucks that after all this time...it will be 3 years ago this month that we "officially" broke up....and after all this time, I am still hurting over you. I still miss you. I still want you. I still love you. You need not be present for these feelings to spill out. It scares me to think you might be the one I never get over. Others may treat me better, may talk to me better, may pay more attention, may cherish me more, and enjoy being with me more, but no one yet has come close to matching up to you in my eyes. I can't imagine loving anyone else that way, with that zeal and passion. I wanted to love you wildly and freely. Bad timing on my part I guess because there you are, and here I am, crying over a two line email that said nothing remotely personal.

 

Every day you are in my head, if not in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, wonder where you are, what you are doing....and I don't guess a day goes by that I don't miss you. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like for you to call me again like you used to, and ask if I want to hang out, or go do something, or go get a bite to eat. What it would be like if you called and said you were out front and could you come in and hang out. What would it be like if you just called, period.

 

Instead I feel like you are gone forever. It's almost as if you had died, you are so far removed from my life, by both of our choosings. Yet it's as if you were a ghost, walking with me every day, never letting me forget for a minute that you were here, and now you are not.

 

And I miss you so much sometimes it hurts. Like tonight.

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Did you know that when you kissed me, it was if it wasn't really me at all. Because I could never be that lucky. I lived it, but I don't know that I really felt it, because I was too afraid it would end all too soon. It's kind of like riding on a motorcycle, feeling the wind in your hair and smelling the country air, and not really enjoying it because you know the ride will soon be over. That's how I felt. I enjoyed every kiss, every hug. But I never took them for granted, because it's as if I knew you never really meant them for me; like they belonged to someone else and I was stealing them.

 

I say all that, yet to this day I can still remember what it felt like, and how it felt to be in your arms. Like I was home. For just a moment in time.

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Still feeling so darn sad tonight, and feeling lost somehow....how is it that I can go days, weeks even, and be fine....but then in a wave it will hit me, topple me off my high horse, remind me how much I loved you, how much I wanted to be with you, how much it hurts how things have changed....how much I still miss you, how much it hurts that you've moved on so completely...forgotten all about me....my mind and soul fight against that with every breath. No. It can't be possible. It can't really have happened that way.

 

But it did.

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  • 1 month later...

The thought occurred to me on the way home yesterday....I'm over YOU....I'm just not over the heartbreak of losing you...I'm not over the hurt of losing someone I thought was one of my best friends; someone I trusted more than any other man in my life...I'm not over that devesatation of having the slats pulled from under me. I feel betrayed by you. But when I think about what I want - do I still love you? Sure I do. Would I go back to the way things were? No way. I am over wanting you back, at least back the way things were. But I'm not over how much you hurt me, and that worries me. Why am I holding onto to that huge hurt.....I'm ready and willing to let go. I want to let go.

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  • 1 month later...

I was doing just fine on Saturday. It even hit me that I don't even think of you that much. But then i saw you on Sunday in church, and it all fell apart. I cried for a while, but I had to remember what it is exactly I was crying about...you were not good to me....you used me of your own admission....you didn't love me....you didn't want me....you were rude to me....you hurt me. Alot. I don't miss that. So I realized yesterday that I missed my old friend Mark, but truthfully, I haven't seen him in a very very long time....so long, that I'm not even sure what it is that I'm missing anymore.

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  • 3 months later...

It's been awhile since I posted on here; I've been doing OK, and I have needed to put this away for awhile. I still think about you, probably every day, but it's less intense, and when you come on my mind, often I try to pass over you. Yesterday while watching a TV show of all things, memories came flooding back. The one that stood out was how much I loved you; how good it felt to be in love. I was so miserable because you didn't love me back, and yet I felt good just loving you. I did not need your mutual cooperation in order to love you. I remembered what it felt like to kiss someone I loved so deeply. For the first time in my life, I was truly in love with the man I was being kissed by, and it was so enchanting.

 

Now, it's like that palace of enchantment is in ruins, and you know what? For the most part I'm OK with that. Our relationship was not built on equality, and respect, and I realize that now. I know I want something better, and someone to treat me better, and it's hard to grasp that when I wanted you so badly, that YOU were not that person to treat me with equality and respect. That may be the hardest part of all of this.

 

Still, I miss you. I miss our friendship more than anything. More than the kisses and hugs and late night movies sacked out on the couch, I miss our friendship. I miss believing and knowing that you valued and cared about me as a person, and that I could be me and no matter what, you were still going to be there for me. I used to believe that, and that has been the "loss" that I feel the most.

 

I'm at a loss for words as to what happened to you, and why me loving you caused you to turn so completely from me. We didn't have fights, we didn't yell, we didn't argue, I didn't stalk you, none of those things. You just simply walked away.

 

That's what hurts the most.

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  • 2 months later...

Exactly 4 years ago next week we began our journey. Tonight when I saw you, I did OK. My heart still flutters, and I did my best not to look interested, not to appear to care, and not to seem eager to hang on to every word, like I used to. I think I did good.

But after you walked away, I was left to remember. Our first kiss, the way you would lean down to kiss me because you were so tall, I could nestle into your side with your arm around me. I remembered the way you would look at me, the way you held my head still so you could kiss me hard or kiss me soft. I remembered all those things and more in a flash, as you walked away, and it brought tears to my eyes. After four years, you still get to me. You looked at me tonight and smiled, and I smiled back, and for just a split second, it was just me and you again. You still break my heart Mark. I don't know how, and I believe if God has someone else out there for me, then I will love again, but he'll have to be someone special to erase the memory of you. I don't have any idea how you got under my skin like this. I imagined in my head later this evening, that perhaps I still get to you a little bit too, but perhaps not enough for you to act upon it. After all, weren't you the one that came back to me a year after we broke up, when I was with someone else even, and wanted to know if I still thought about you, and about us getting back together? Weren't you the one that a few months after that told me that you thought we could have made it after all? So pardon me if I fantasize that perhaps you are still wondering, still thinking about me, but feel restrained to act upon it. Just maybe.

 

When I got home I remembered two songs that just fit how I felt tonight. The first one: "he must have been a crazy fool to leave a love so blind, because after all this time he is still on her mind."

The second one sums it up better though: "you can't imagine what the Lord has done for me. I try to tell you, but I doubt that I could ever make you see. What would I do without Him, where on earth would I be? You can't imagine what the Lord has done for me."

 

Truly, the Lord has brought me through this heartache over the past few years. My tears now are tears from memories; tears of sadness of what could have been but wasn't. Tears of missing you, but knowing it would never be the same, and even tears of knowing that you and I really are not compatible; we live in different worlds, and our whole lives are different really. The Lord brought me through a lot of tough times, a lot of grieving and mourning over you, and it's better now. I see the sunshine now, and I can see His Wisdom, AND His mercy.

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