Doubting, doubting ....

My fiance and I went on our first holiday together. It was a group tour that lasted 2 weeks.

The crunch comes that the tour guide, an American girl started flirting with my fiance, most noticeably from the middle of the trip onwards. She seemed to hang around us a lot (on walks, at museums, wherever) and my fiance claimed to have been oblivious to her advances...however.

At group meals, she came and sat near us. On one occasion, towards the end of the trip, she came and sat opposite us. My fiance started pouring her wine as he was drinking aswell (I wasn't) and they were chatting together and laughing for the duration of the meal. He ignored me again (as he had done before on another occasion towards the beginning of the year). She was flirting with him, and he was responding.

On another day on the holiday we were getting taxis back to the station. The tour guide and myself and my fiance were left. She said either of us could go with her and some of the baggage. My fiance opted to go with her. They were delayed as the taxi didn't turn up when it should have done .... they were gone for over 40mins. He said to me much later on that he thought it would bother me that he had done that and yet he still did it.

When we got to the airport on the last day, my fiance handed her our questionnaires (he had put 'excellent' against all of the Tour Guide questions). A few seconds later, she had run up to him and was hugging and kissing him in front of me.

After that, my fiance seemed star struck, in a dream. He told me he noticed how attentive towards him she was (note: before he said he was oblivious). She had handed out a list of everyone's email addresses the night before the trip ended. My fiance has been checking his email every day since the trip ended.

I hit the roof on the plane ride back. He told me later that he had told her during the taxi ride to the bus station that we were getting married. Apparently the conversation they had was general. That evening at the group meal, one of the other female group members pitched and said we were getting married (interesting). She recoiled at this (this makes me wonder if my fiance had told me the truth that he had told her we were getting married). She acted as though she hadn't heard this before, and started asking us questions about our relationship .... how long had we been together? where were we going on the honeymoon? My fiance told her we were buying the ring the following week.

Whenever he drinks, he becomes flirtatious with other women and I get forgotten. I am wondering how he behaves behind my back.....

I don't have time to expand on the above, but the laddish behaviour is also a problem.

Wow, I can't believe he took off with her in a taxis and left you alone. It's totally inappropriate behavior. And so she kissed him in front of you too?? Your tour guide sounds like she needs to be reported. That's just all very inappropriate on her side as well. Unprofessional behavior.

I don't know, but you don't trust him and it seems you have some good reasons not too... What do you want to do?

Funny you say I should report her. I have been writing a letter to the Tour company doing just that.

My other concern was that my fiance was reluctant to spend time alone with me. I asked that we go out for dinner alone one evening rather than the group dinner and he didn't seem keen. I was exhausted as it was a full-on trip with early starts and I had to spell it out to him. This was our FIRST holiday together.

On the last day he had wanted to go on the walks (the tour guide was of course leading them). I told him I wanted to visit these neolithic caves nearby and go on a walk ALONE with him. I can't believe how reluctant, YET AGAIN, he was to do these things.

This is all going horribly wrong and my gut instinct has been right all along.

Wow, I can't believe he took off with her in a taxis and left you alone. It's totally inappropriate behavior. And so she kissed him in front of you too?? Your tour guide sounds like she needs to be reported. That's just all very inappropriate on her side as well. Unprofessional behavior.

 

I don't know, but you don't trust him and it seems you have some good reasons not too... What do you want to do?

yeah, that does sound like unprofessional behavior for a tour guide. now, i do know some tour guides who got intimate with the passengers, but that's different. they weren't there with their SOs. though i think your bf should get part of the blame too for encouraging this behavior.

on the flip side, maybe you see that your bf is craving a bit more attention and flirtation from you? maybe you can see what this girl did 'right' and use that to your advantage?

when are you getting married? Maybe it would be a good idea to stop planning the wedding and take some time to re-evaluate your relationship. It seems quite a rush if you are engaged and yet hadnt been on holiday together before? Do you live together? I would not rush into a marriage while you have such serious doubts about him and how far you can trust him, and a long list of behaviours that make you feel unhappy.

Have you confronted him about his behaviour on holiday?

Is he usually reluctant to spend time just the two of you or was it just while on holiday (and after meeting this tour guide?)

My advice would be to really think about this relationship and whether he makes you happy, and to try to talk this through with him. DO you believe he has niavely failed to notice her attentions and thereforee if you talked it through he would be more considerate in the future or do you think there is good reason not to trust him?

I think hes acting like a jerk. Ignoring you. Disrespecting. Lying. Flirting in FRONT Of his future wife.

Do you really want to marry someone like that?

I'd get out and find someone who values me and doesnt have to look for something in other women to fufill his desire to flirt or whatever it is.

NO! if he felt he wasn't having his needs met, he wouldn't have proposed to me. Having said that, I got a job offer abroad, and I think he was afraid to lose me and so may have proposed before he was ready.

Regardless of the above paragraph, his behaviour was inexcusable, and so was hers. If he is looking for more in a relationship than I am giving him, he could end it if he wanted to. He is always telling me how happy I make him and how good I make him feel so I disagree with the one of the replies to my post that I don't flirt with him enough or give him enough attention.

He acted on his instincts, obviously found her attractive and couldn't have cared less about how his behaviour made me feel.

This has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. It has to do with his inappropriate behavior. And it was, in my opinion.

What am I going to do? give him the ring back when I see him later and re-itterate staying very calm, why he has demonstrated that he is not ready for marriage. He has betrayed me, he cannot be trusted and any woman who comes along and gives him any attention he will respond to.

Marrying him would be a recipe for disaster.

First I would talk this out with him, explain why it bothered you, explain that you don't want this situation to recur, and see what his reaction is.

First I would talk this out with him, explain why it bothered you, explain that you don't want this situation to recur, and see what his reaction is.

yes, i agree .... talk about it first.

I did talk it through with him. I told him how uncomfortable it made me feel, could not understand why he did it and that I didn't want to have to question his integrity [N.B he didn't even fight back after he heard me say this, he seemed passive which I thought was odd - if anyone had said that to me I would have been livid]. When I told him how I noticed how taken he was by her, he didn't deny it. He said I was all he wanted, that I was the one he wanted to marry, he wasn't looking around for anyone else. Yet, he didn't tell her where to go and I could tell he enjoyed her attention. None of it adds up.

He told me that at the time he wasn't thinking, that he was still in the mindset of a single man and that he was still learning. As if things couldn't be worse this morning we had a convo. He complained that he hadn't slept well (he was over at my place), he said 'we' should get another mattress. I said, 'hang on a minute' we are at my place. If we were living together, then 'we' could get another mattress. I don't want to get another mattress as its fine when its just me, its an old bed and not good with two people in it as its an occasional double.

THE SITUATION IS THAT WE AREN'T GOING TO BE GETTING MARRIED NOW UNTIL 2010.

He then said, he was happy and would prefer to wait before living together. I reminded him that he had proposed so that must mean he feels confident that we get on and could live together. He told me he moved in with an ex and was considering marriage but they didn't get on.

He only just told me on Sunday night (after our big discussion) how flat prices have fallen by 1/3 in the UK and that if we were to have a base in the UK (because of plans on spending a year in N.America) then it would be a good time to look into buying somewhere. He has since backtracked (this morning). I told him that I don't want to leave my friend in the lurch and that I plan to stay in the flat until May next year. In the meantime we could look into buying somewhere. He was not enthused about this, said he was happy to wait before we live together and yet he proposed!

He is giving me reason to believe that he isn't sure about us.

Is there a specific date in 2010? It sounds like he is confused about whether he is ready to settle down - he wants the benefits but not the official commitment. I think you are right to keep your place and I would not move in with him without a specific wedding date.

yes, i agree with batya. has he given you a specific wedding date? don't move in with him prematurely.

He's still in the mindset of a single man, but has asked someone to marry him? Um no. If he's acting like he's single, I'd be taking that ring off and let him be single.

We had a specific date set for next year, but in view of his behaviour whilst we were on holiday, I told him I wanted to wait till the following year and for us to get to know eachother better as we have only been together for a year.

What happened on holiday left me feeling completely shattered.

I'm not convinced about his explanation either.

What should I do? talk to him again and give the ring back?

what do you think you should do? you can always go back to just being bf/gf and say you two aren't ready quite yet to be married... take a step back in the relationship?

Annie24, that seems to be my only option. He admits he is still thinking like a single man, hasn't denied that he fancied the tour guide enough to want to take a taxi ride with her leaving me to go with other group members.

He has since said he isn't ready to live together despite having proposed to me. None of it adds up to a happy future in my mind.

I am giving him the ring back this evening - no point in remaining engaged to someone who contradicts everything he says and who seems unclear as to what he wants which I don't think is me.

yeah, that is sad, but i agree.... if he's not acting committed, no use in continuing the engagement for now. how old are you guys? maybe he is just not ready at this stage in his life.... i think that happens for a lot of men - they meet a great girl early on, but they aren't at the point in their lives where they are ready to commit.

We are both in our mid-30s. No reason why he shouldn't be ready to settle down at that age, however, his behaviour around other women is unacceptable and so he is either a womaniser or not ready to settle down.

He claims to not know how to behave in certain social situations i.e. this amounts to ignoring me during dinner or lunch while he chats up another girl. Absolute rubbish.

Oh, and we have been together for just over a year.

the positive thing about this tour guide/trip is that you have seen his true colors BEFORE the wedding. imagine he did that to you on your honeymoon!!!!!

He has done this to me once before and I told him that if he wanted to be free to date other women then he should let me know.

He has done this to me again but for a sustained period and at that point we were only dating and not engaged. The consequences of his actions now are beyond serious.

The stuff he told me this morning does not add to him wanting to get married. Have no idea why he proposed to me now.

I guess I'm confused.

If you give the ring back, why would you even consider going back to boyfriend/girlfriend status?

This has been an issue the whole time you've been together. To a point of you being an anxious rollercoaster anytime he goes on work outings as well as you not seeing a friend of yours anymore because of being afraid "she'll" flirt with him.

I think it seems as though your fiance is happy enough with you that he will do things like propose to you to make sure you don't go anywhere. But he enjoys attention and his life as it is and is not going to make any changes. Kind of a "he is who he is." If you can accept that then stay proposed. If you can't, walk away.

What is it about him that you enjoy by the way?

Imthatgirl - you're right about the handing the ring back situation. If I'm not prepared to marry him i.e. the pinacle of any relationship, then there would be no point in being his gf anymore.

Yes, I think he proposed to keep me around, but as I've discovered, isn't prepared to change his life. He said the last time he lived with a gf they didn't get on. Yet he proposed to me which would suggest he thought we would get on if we lived together AND YET he told me this morning he didn't want to live together?????

I'm not sure what I see in him anymore to be honest.