Told her last night... now so lost

After 5 years of marriage and 1.5 years of separation (dating on and off but mostly off these last few months) I finally told her last night that I wanted to end things.

She gave me a deadline (let her move back end or end things) and I choose the latter. We have survived so much, tried so hard for so long to put it back together and right now I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

There were plenty of times these last 2 or even three years that I would have been completely justified to leave. She cheated on me for one. Lied about so many things - cheated on me again with the same guy. Let her depression get out of control and basically use me up. Even our marriage counselor suggested divorce because she 'just didn't get it'. Now though she has her life somewhat together. She is working a day job and doing school to get a 2nd degree and start a new career. Shes doing well and tries to make me happy.

I have always and continue to feel at peace when I'm with her. I know she is beautiful and guys go nuts over her. Her family is intertwined in my life. I've got more than my share of flaws and caused many of our problems myself. I can't honestly think of a reason why now out of all the times we could have split I said I'm done and I'm terrified that I'm making a huge mistake.

She really thought I would decide to let her move back in and she was incredibly hurt. Seeing her suffer like that made me want to die. I'm so overwhelmed - so numb. I thought maybe there would be a chance for us even if we divorced but she doesn't feel that way. I don't know if we should see a counselor again or if it would just prolong this even further. She's been my best friend for a decade and I can't imagine life without her yet she is so good at hurting me... I"m confused as hell.

I read your other threads and just wondered why it is that you chose to break-up finally. It is your decision to make of course. Is it because you feel you just can't trust her?

The point is you can't stay in limbo forever. You have to both wholeheartedly agree to live together as a couple and work on your differences and re-commit to the marriage, or you have to move on. I can understand after 1.5 years why she is tired of being in limbo.

If after 1.5 years you are still undecided, it either means the answer is you really don't want it enough to get back together and work on it, or else you need personal counseling of your own to decide why you're still sitting the fence.

You can't undo the past, but you can weigh all the options and make a choice. Sometimes people don't make a choice, and think they have the option to just wing it until they 'feel' the solution is right. But sometimes no solution feels right, because there maybe positive and negatives related to any scenario. So rather than accepting that there are negative consequences, they just hang around hoping one day everything will 'feel' exactly right, and life doesn't work like that.

So sit down and recognize that either decision is going to have some negatives and positives too. And make a decision based on weighing those. Recognize you can't have everything you want, and that either decision will bring hard emotional work on your part to get over. But you do have to choose, and live with the consequences.

It is never easy to break up, but sometimes it is necessary. So make really sure you accept that either choice will be hard, and whichever choice you make you have to be really committed to the idea of making that choice work and be the right thing. You don't have the infinite option to make no decision because you are not sure, nor do all decisions make you feel good all the time, or at the time you make them. Life is hard and full of choices, which you unfortunately have to live by.

How'd she go from "not getting it" to got her life together just like that...drama is just around the bend with her...be happy she's gone.

I read your other threads and just wondered why it is that you chose to break-up finally. It is your decision to make of course. Is it because you feel you just can't trust her?

I guess thats what I'm so lost about. I almost feel like it wasn't even my choice. I'm usually so solid, so resolute about things in my life. I've been pushing so hard to make things work for so long and after everything is said and done my choice to end things is as baffeling to me as it was to her. This whole indecisive mess has made me crazy. It all just seems so wrong... every path every avenue seems wrong

BeStrong - I have been telling myself everything your saying for a long time now. That there are no easy answers and that I have to live with my decision. Maybe it all just went on so long that I've become detached from it all. There is so much more confusion than pain right now. Maybe this is just how it was going to feel.

I don't know if I could trust her. I certainly could with money and any number of things... my heart? I can't be sure why I decided to end it - I guess thats whats killing me. Such a big decision in my life has been made for any good reason other than I think i just felt done. After so much that seems so wrong.

Maybe you really, really love her and want her to be happy. If you've convinced yourself that she will never be completely happy with you, maybe you just bowed out? I just did this so it's fresh for me.

There's a book called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". Read it and know if you did the right thing or not.