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Thread: Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by yumicecream
    Its not unfortunate, its smart. I think that its great for a man to challange himself by not surrounding his entire life with me and me only. I think its great if he has varying friends from diverse backgrounds. However, a female friend that is very close to him (hang out quite often) is something I find completely unattractive in a man. YOu even recognize that there is a sense of attraction between opposite sex friends...I want that attraction to be for me and me only. Other women aren't like this, so those women are perfect for people who are the "meet my best friend I was hanging out with last night on her couch watching reruns, Sherry" types.
    I agree that you are missing out on being with someone who is used to being close with people including women plus your reasoning - a suspicion/lack of trust in a man not to act on attraction - or not to feel attraction for a woman - can only have a negative effect on the quality and trust in your relationship.

  2. #32

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree that you are missing out on being with someone who is used to being close with people including women plus your reasoning - a suspicion/lack of trust in a man not to act on attraction - or not to feel attraction for a woman - can only have a negative effect on the quality and trust in your relationship.
    Its not directed towards men...its towards both. If women participate in this sort of behaviour, I think its equally as unattractive.

    Are you so sure about negative qualities of my relationships? I've actually had quite a few very healthy relationships. I come from generations of people who have remained married without even the subtle inklings of infidility and had children in happy homes.

  3. #33

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    Originally Posted by yumicecream
    Its not unfortunate, its smart. I think that its great for a man to challange himself by not surrounding his entire life with me and me only. I think its great if he has varying friends from diverse backgrounds. However, a female friend that is very close to him (hang out quite often) is something I find completely unattractive in a man. YOu even recognize that there is a sense of attraction between opposite sex friends...I want that attraction to be for me and me only. Other women aren't like this, so those women are perfect for people who are the "meet my best friend I was hanging out with last night on her couch watching reruns, Sherry" types.


    I think that having a diverse life includes having good friends of the opposite sex even more than it does Indians, Chinese, and Hispanics. They make up a large portion of the world. And what about female friends they had before you came around?



    ---YOu even recognize that there is a sense of attraction between opposite sex friends---- I think it can and does happen. I think any mate who is worth anything as a mate wont become emotionally enamored by somebody when they are with you. People actually do have that choice. I also might add that almost all of my female friends (including those considered very attractive) are usually just that, friends. If I am single and want to be with somebody then I could choose to increase that attraction if there was chemistry to begin with and thought they were mutually interested, but I have never gotten romantically atttched to somebody without some choice, and am certainly not interested in my friends. The relationship is COMPLETELY different then the partner I am with.

    The last thing I want to mention is that there are occasional women that yes, I am very attracted to UNTIL I find out they have a boyfriend. Then I lose attraction and they go into the friend zone.

    Asking somebody to sacrifice close female friends because they got involved with you is very unfair. It also might not even be healthy, though that depends on the person. I know I couldn't be with somebody who would require that.

  4. #34

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    Originally Posted by yumicecream
    Its not directed towards men...its towards both. If women participate in this sort of behaviour, I think its equally as unattractive.

    Are you so sure about negative qualities of my relationships? I've actually had quite a few very healthy relationships. I come from generations of people who have remained married without even the subtle inklings of infidility and had children in happy homes.

    I am not questioning the health of your relationships (though I don't think the fact that your family stayed married means they were healthy). Whether you are healthy or not over all (and I don't think anybody is completely healthy) isn't important. I am questioning the fairness of your viewpoint on this.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by yumicecream
    Its not directed towards men...its towards both. If women participate in this sort of behaviour, I think its equally as unattractive.

    Are you so sure about negative qualities of my relationships? I've actually had quite a few very healthy relationships. I come from generations of people who have remained married without even the subtle inklings of infidility and had children in happy homes.
    Sorry, I am not sure how you read my post in that way. Not what I wrote.

  7. #36
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    I agree with this totally.

  8. #37

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    I don't deny that there are exceptions but to me it is too great a risk to assume the person is telling the truth in these situations. Almost 100% of my experiences with friendships from the opposite sex had a romantic charge to them...its impossible to ignore. Perhaps there are some few men who are friends with women, and that is all that it is...but that is usually not the men/women who are screaming about how you should trust them and how they have the right to hang out with their buddy all hours of the night while you're at home filling out crossword puzzles.
    In my past, I've made the mistake of believing this argument. Its just an example, and I understand that an isolated example isn't something you can make a rule from. But I had a boyfriend who had a female best friend who I tried to befriend until I realized that she'd been plotting to steal him from me and eventually succeeded on some level since he pitted us against each other and then cheated with her (I ended it when I found out and he begged for me back...I told him I thought he and her would have a beautiful relationship and to please leave me alone).

  9. #38
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    If your boyfriend wants to cheat, he will cheat, whether he has a lot of girl friends or not. If your boyfriend thinks another girl is attractive, he will find her attractive, whether he tells you or not.

    I feel like having a 'mutual agreement' to not hang out privately with friends of the opposite-sex is just an insecure attemept at controlling the other person because you are afraid of what they might do if they are friends with someone else.

    It all boils down to insecurity, honestly.

    And yes, it is completely possible to have a 100% platonic relationship where there is no attraction at all with someone of the opposite sex. My best friend and I have been friends for 6 years and we are as tight as can be, I love him to death but I in NO WAY have any feelings for him and he does not for me. He is more like a brother and if any guy I dated wanted me to stop being friends with him, I'd ditch them. I already went through an abusive relationship once where my boyfriend made me cut contact with all my friends and I'm not about to change my life for someone else.

    And doesn't FRIENDSHIP have value for anything? How can you be such a horrible friend as to cut off all your friends for your SO? What kind of person does that make you? It's so unhealthy to revolve your life around one person. What kind of person does that make your SO if they want you to cut other people out of your life?

  10. #39

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    I kept the friendship with the one guy friend who hadn't let me down in the past and who was a good friend.

    All the other guys? Yes they did only want some. They even told me so, most of them I had relations with aswell. Fwb of a sort (not sex though) but it got old.

    Most of them backed off on their own when I got a boyfriend, some even had the nerve to ask if I wanted a guy on the side!

    Utterly redicioulous.

  11. #40

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    Sometimes insecurity is something that someone with sufficient evidence for suspicion is bound to feel.

    A guy who tries to cut you off from all your friends and family is abusive. Someone who doesn't date people who have close friends of the opposite sex is a taaad bit different from that.

    I think that the insecurity argument is usually used by people who have wanted to be sexual with their best friend at one point and don't want to lose a very emotionally close relationship with that person just b/c they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. To me its a version of emotional cheating, if you've heard the term.

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