"equality"

What does this term mean to you?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I see so many failed relationships & unhappy couples. Men controlling their women. Women trying to "whip" their men...

My cousin just broke it off with his fiance today because she threatened him that she "wouldn't let him be bestman at his friend's wedding, because she doesn't like the wife", & if he went through with it, she wouldn't show up at the wedding & she would "never forget how he betrayed her".

Seriously...people are nuts...

What ever happened to loyalty, respect, & fidelity.

"Love, honour, & respect."

I may be a bit old-fashioned, & I'm sure I'll receive some criticism (mainly from women) for what I'm about to say...

I do believe in gender equality. I believe that we women are capable of doing just as much as men are capable of doing. However, I believe that in doing this, what we have failed to realize is that by attempting to do so, we have introduced a dangerous imbalance into the rhythm of society. We have suppressed our natural female characteristics.

I always wondered why relationships of the past generations were so successful. Take my grandparents for example: they got married at the ages of 15 & 18, had 3 kids, grandfather worked, grandmother was a housewife--& they're still happily married. Why is that so hard to accomplish nowadays? I believe it's mainly because of this constant struggle with inequality, since the days of Alice Paul & the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment).

Any thoughts on this?

THIS THREAD MAY SEEM LIKE A BASH ON WOMEN, BUT IT'S NOT, SO PLEASE DON'T BE OFFENDED BY IT. I'M JUST A BIT ANNOYED TODAY, & I THOUGHT I'D EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS.

*I'M OPEN TO DISAGREEMENTS, BUT PLEASE NO CRITICISM TOWARDS ANYONE*

My wife has mostly worked through our marriage (apart from when the children were babies) We have a balanced relationship where we are equal - we complement each other. Works for us.

I see where you're coming from. But do you mean it's not such a great thing that women get to say whatever they want?

I do see that some women tend to get.. eh.. not so much "expressive" but plain BOSSY and manipulative and even use mind games to get their bf/partner to do what they want. I feel women tend to do this more, but I could be way off.

I think we've all actually been guilty at it at some point. It's entirely different if you keep doing it and make it a habit.

I guess when women become bossy then yes, they have lost their femininity. At the same time I think maybe guys have gained? Lol. As silly as that sounds. But to put up with these types of women they have to compromise a bit.

I see nothing wrong with guys being less macho though. As long as they treat their women just like they want to be treated.

For my current relationship, loyalty, respect and fidelity and one of the most important things. As soon as one of us doesn't apply one of these, we have/will have a big problem. My bf specially has always prided himself on how much we respect each other (even though we disagree sometimes). There's never name calling or threatning (so far and I hope never).

I see where you're coming from. But do you mean it's not such a great thing that women get to say whatever they want?

I do see however that some women tend to get.. eh.. not so much "expressive" but plain BOSSY and manipulative and even use mind games to get their bf/partner to do what they want. I feel women tend to do this more, but I could be way off.

 

I think we've all actually been guilty at it at some point. It's entirely different if you keep doing it and make it a habit.

That's exactly what I mean. I know of 4 women that have taken advantage of this sense of "equality", & became manipulative, bossy bi*ches. It just annoys me because they have such great husbands/boyfriends, & it seems as though this "power trip" completely takes over & they in a sense, lose their femininity.

My wife has mostly worked through our marriage (apart from when the children were babies) We have a balanced relationship where we are equal - we complement each other. Works for us.

Working is necessary in today's world. I'm very happy for you two. I'm glad to there's at least one happy/balanced marriage! Good for you two!

I see that all the time with other relationships.

I think in my relationship we're generally pretty equal, and probably why we've been so successful, its a partnership, a team effort, no one has control over the other and its never been that way.

I get very offended when he makes remarks such as "Let me check with head management.." or "Let me check with the wife.."

Like he has to run things passed me to get my approval for him to do something, when its NEVER that way. I don't know why he feels the need to say it in front of a large crowd or group of people...It makes me look bad, like I run the show or something, when its far from that and he never has to ask me something. Almost like its a stereotype sort of thing.

I see that all the time with other relationships.

 

I think in my relationship we're generally pretty equal, and probably why we've been so successful, its a partnership, a team effort, no one has control over the other and its never been that way.

 

I get very offended when he makes remarks such as "Let me check with head management.." or "Let me check with the wife.."

Like he has to run things passed me to get my approval for him to do something, when its NEVER that way. I don't know why he feels the need to say it in front of a large crowd or group of people...It makes me look bad, like I run the show or something, when its far from that and he never has to ask me something. Almost like its a stereotype sort of thing.

I know what you mean. I'm sure he's just joking about it. People tend to follow those stereotypes, even if they don't apply in their situation. I'm glad you guys are doing well =]

Good thing your cousin did that, didn't seem he be marrying the right one if he went through with it.

These days, women have a lot more rights, more women work these days then stay at home as well. So things have changed, before divorce wasn't that high of an option, these days it seems the easy way out.

I think it it just hard to find that right balance, because there is no right balance. It is like saying a person is normal, there is no such thing as normal. It is two people who have to choose to coexist together and work on things that life hands them. Some people just don't know any better, or were raised completely different then their partner. So maybe one female is a raised as being the hard worker, doing everything on her own, because that is how her mom had it. Yet she meets someone who believes he should be the hard worker, that the women needs to lessen down a bit, that the man should be bringing the big bucks in. That is how he was raised because his parents taught him differently, it wasn't just one parent struggling etc.

Depends on your surroundings and your partners surroundings.

I see that all the time with other relationships.

 

I think in my relationship we're generally pretty equal, and probably why we've been so successful, its a partnership, a team effort, no one has control over the other and its never been that way.

 

I get very offended when he makes remarks such as "Let me check with head management.." or "Let me check with the wife.."

Like he has to run things passed me to get my approval for him to do something, when its NEVER that way. I don't know why he feels the need to say it in front of a large crowd or group of people...It makes me look bad, like I run the show or something, when its far from that and he never has to ask me something. Almost like its a stereotype sort of thing.

maybe it's not such a bad thing. maybe he wants to show them how much he repects you and ur wishes.

the term "head management" however puts a negative spin on it

maybe it's not such a bad thing. maybe he wants to show them how much he repects you and ur wishes.

the term "head management" however puts a negative spin on it

He has many different terms and sayings, most of it is in a joking manner, but I don't really find it all that amusing because I am not like that, in any way and I just feel like it portrays me that way..maybe thats just me overthinking things haha.

I work multiple jobs, am going to Grad School and I feel neither bossy nor unfeminine. I treat my bf well and we are a great partnership! He feels valued and so do I. I don't think working makes women unfeminine or bossy. Those types of women would be that way if they stayed home. Working does not change your basic nature. My brother just divorced his wife last year and she had always stayed home with the kids. It did not help his marriage at all.

My thread is not about women working. I believe women should work, especially in today's society. Equality doesn't only apply to women working.

i think in some situations, mostly regarding cultural differences there is no such thing as equality.

my boyfriend came from a country where a womens place is at home, cooking cleaning, popping out a few kids. and if a woman did choose to work she hands over her check to her husband and work cannot interfere with her "wifely duties"

so you can imagine when he moved to the states it was a bit of a cultural shock to see women who were independent and working, not jumping at the chance to submit to a man. he still holds on to some of these beliefs, its what he was born into, so i cant fault him for what he believes in, but he is a bit more liberal now compared to some of his family.

but i can see from what you described minus any cultural differences where it can be an issue.

The balance of control in a relationship is something that really has to be worked on. I do not think I have forbidden him to do anything, but if it conflicts with something important, I ask him if he could please remember the other considerations. I think I am pretty liberal, he has worked away from home for close to 3 years now. There is no point in forbidding an adult to do something cause then they will do it behind your back. When he is home we spread the house work around.

I believe both the man and woman should work but if the woman works in the home raising a child or children, that is just as much work as working outside the home. I take issue with people who don't count that as "work".

I don't believe people who are bossy are bossy because of a notion of "equality"- I think it's just that the person is bossy.

To me equality in a romantic relationship means that there is balance in how the couple interacts, and in the division of responsibilities - not a strict split down the middle but an acknowledgement that the way responsibilities are divided up should feel fair to each person in the couple. I don't think comparing equality in romantic relationships to "equal pay for equal work" in the working world makes much sense.

before anything else, i'd say this thread is interesting ^__^

there are lots of factors that contribute to these issues - culture, family background, career - the list goes on. as for me though, i am willing to submit to my future husband. don't get me wrong. it's not like i will allow him to rip me off my rights. i just personally believe that the man is still the head of the family, and i would want my future husband to be able to exude authority whenever the situation calls for it. He should be able to command RESPECT. I cannot love and marry a man whom I don't respect.

however, relationship prior to marriage is a different story. i will never allow my boyfriend to interfere with my life, nor will i do with his. i think it's just a matter of knowing where you stand and not crossing your borders. ^__^

I see that all the time with other relationships.

 

I think in my relationship we're generally pretty equal, and probably why we've been so successful, its a partnership, a team effort, no one has control over the other and its never been that way.

 

I get very offended when he makes remarks such as "Let me check with head management.." or "Let me check with the wife.."

Like he has to run things passed me to get my approval for him to do something, when its NEVER that way. I don't know why he feels the need to say it in front of a large crowd or group of people...It makes me look bad, like I run the show or something, when its far from that and he never has to ask me something. Almost like its a stereotype sort of thing.

I completely understand why that would be offensive!! I'm sure he means it jokingly/lovingly, but ugh--"the wife"...hate that term. I've asked my husband to keep it out of his vocabulary.

He does tell his friends when they ask if he's down for a poker night that he needs to check with his "social planner." Ha.

I agree that this is a very interesting thread.

I think that the balance of power is different in every relationship, and it's all about what works for that particular couple.

I, too, have seen women browbeat their boyfriends/fiances/husbands "into submission," and it's truly sad. Frankly, it makes both parties look bad...the women for being controlling, and the men for submitting to it.

But I've seen some of these relationships end in marriage, so maybe the dynamic of that particular relationship works for those particular people.

I do have to say, I think I am the more "dominant" partner in my marriage. My husband is VERY easygoing, and I am more of the neurotic (yes, I admit it) take-charge type. However, he doesn't hesitate to let me know when I've crossed the line, when I'm being overly bossy, or have said something without thinking. I think that's key. It's one thing to have a relationship dynamic that works for you, it's another when it only "works" because one person feels like they can't stand up for themselves.

Both people need to respect the other.

Most people thought that my aunt dominated her husband. She would demand this or that (not overly bossy or nasty but she was fairly forthright) and he would say "Yes, dear" or something similar.

One day I realised that he never did anything he didn't want to do.

Most people thought that my aunt dominated her husband. She would demand this or that (not overly bossy or nasty but she was fairly forthright) and he would say "Yes, dear" or something similar.

 

One day I realised that he never did anything he didn't want to do.

This is SO true. I can be very direct when I feel something is important, however if my husband does not want to do it he ain't gonna. Usually I only get direct when something is of immiment importance and I can not deal with it.

I completely understand why that would be offensive!! I'm sure he means it jokingly/lovingly, but ugh--"the wife"...hate that term. I've asked my husband to keep it out of his vocabulary.

 

He does tell his friends when they ask if he's down for a poker night that he needs to check with his "social planner." Ha.

Oh I know, I hate that term as well. I tell him he can only call me that when he puts a ring on my finger..and I haven't heard it since haha.

When I ask him, or tell him he just says he doesn't mean it in an offensive way, or like that. But still.

I believe that a relationship should have roles. Not neccessarily gender roles but roles based on the strong points that each person has. However, these roles should be flexible and prone to change. Communication is key.

Such as, I am definitely a more submissive person. I'll do whatever the group decides because I'm just a pretty mellow person. It works out well because my boyfriend has more of a dominating personality. He likes to be the one that makes decisions.

So, I give him my input, don't sweat the small stuff, and be my mellow self, and he enjoys being in "charge". It works out quite well.

the balance is very important ina relationship... once a women knows your "in love" and would do anything for her.. they will take advantage of it and walk all over you then dump you.. the same thing is true with men.. why do you think so many women have jerk bf's..

What it boils down too IMO is each person in the relationship has to have enough self respect for themselves to NOT get walked all over and taken advantaged of. The other person needs to know if they dont treat there signficant other right they will leave them..

To the OP: Wow great post. You've just articulated what I have been feeling for a long time. The bit about seeing so many failed relationships really brings to mind the theme song from the Bourne series "Extreme ways". There's a line that goes, "I've been to so many places, seen so many faces, so many heartaches, so many dirty things."

Although I'm not completely entitled to say this things would be a lot better if men would quit whining and work and women quit * * * * * ing and provide emotional support. I think society back in the 1950s was a lot better for the family. I guess whatever gains we have made in racism and bigotry and been negated by the breakdown of traditional gender roles.

the balance is very important ina relationship... once a women knows your "in love" and would do anything for her.. they will take advantage of it and walk all over you then dump you.. the same thing is true with men.. why do you think so many women have jerk bf's..

 

What it boils down too IMO is each person in the relationship has to have enough self respect for themselves to NOT get walked all over and taken advantaged of. The other person needs to know if they dont treat there signficant other right they will leave them..

I understand where you're coming from; however, I don't believe that "once a women knows your "in love" and would do anything for her.. they will take advantage of it and walk all over you then dump you"--you just haven't come accross people worthy enough to be loved.

When it comes down to it, we all have to accept that there is a way to play this game called a "relationship". I'm not trying to give that word a negative connotation, but I'm simply saying it shouldn't be taken lightly. It takes conscious effort & work. You don't just "fall in love" & go with the flow. It's a partnership, as someone also mentioned before, & in order for that partnership to succeed, there has to be equal effort being put in. It doesn't require 50/50 from each partner--it requires 100% from both sides. The two people aren't supposed to supplement each other, they should complement one another...