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I was unjustly banned from the suicide.org forum- someone should have the forum destroyed-


KellyLeighC

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I was unjustly banned from a site (the forum on the link removed page) and I think someone should have that entire forum taken down. I admit, I used profanity on that site, but I only mentioned one word: I told them "my grandmother's being an insensitive (the b-word)" about my pain, which is the truth:

 

I'm dealing with the suicide of a good friend of mine, William Frank MacArthur Jones; it happened back in February, but I get the news September 11th through a trickle-down e-mail between my friend's mother and my father. I get the e-mail about it, find out it's Will; I'm distraught over it and crying so hard I can barely breathe and my grandmother says "well, the boy was on drugs. . ."

I tell her, "even if that were the case, I still considered him a friend!"

Grandma just says "you need to straighten up" and brushes it off?!

 

I go to the forum and sign in on October 1 thinking I can get help. I post for a few days, then I post the note: "my grandmother's being an insensitive b----h." That's the only word of profanity I used. Instantly, I get slapped with a ban. At first, I think it's only a one week ban or something. I decide to leave the forum on my own if they're going to ban me; after a week, I'll go back, log back in, post an apology about the profanity and leave on my own. . . but I try to get back on that forum at link removed on October 18 to leave that apology and this note pops up when I try to sign in:

 

"You have been banned for the following reason: No reason was specified.

Date the ban will be lifted: Never"

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So far, I've messed up two forums by trying to get help and by expressing how I feel. On the abovementioned forum, I've been banned permanently. I sent them an e-mail saying I was a nonexistent sister of mine and that their ban contributed to my 'sister's' suicide; pushing an already distraught and suicidal young woman over the edge to where she took out a gun and shot herself- I hope the insensitive idiots believe THAT-

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On the other forum at "link removed;" the moderator made a long-distance call from Italy to Florida and told Mom and Grandma about a suicide plan I was making to go jump off the Eau Gallie Causeway near our house. Stupid me, I posted it on the forum. Mom told me she was thinking about taking my computer away; both of them turned around and I just bolted from the house, running as hard as I could. I couldn't stay in the same house as them; all I was thinking about was getting away. Mom came after me in Grandma's car and found me a block away, crying my butt off and explaining what had happened to a young man and his son outside their house. I'd ran until my legs were killing me; when I saw Mom I started to bolt and run from her again but this man calmed me down and told me to go back and talk it over with them-

 

This note was left in my Youtube inbox by a fellow YouTube user; lamarjlp914- I can talk to the people on YouTube and my Messenger contacts about this tragedy when I can't talk to my own family:

 

Hey Kelly

I'm glad to hear from you again. link removed is obviously an irresponsible forum if they are not willing to help someone who is in pain because they used offensive language while hurting. However, you have people like myself to listen to you and samaritans as well, so don't worry about them. The moderator (of link removed) was very right to bring the plan to your mother and I would recommend that you continue to use that forum. The reason you where so upset is because you were embrassed about the idea of being so vulnerable. However, DO NOT REPRESS the idea and the pain, you were on the right track by talking to your mother and grandmother even if you don't like what she has to say all of the time. You are not going to get the answers you like all of the time and that is okay as long as you are talking and communicating.

As for your mother and grandmother not caring, I don't believe this for a second. You have to be able to differentiate with not being able to understand with not caring and they don't fully understand. However, they are willing to understand via you talking to them (think back on the running away incedent) however, you are not going to accomplish anything by shutting them out. I know that talking to loved ones about plans of suicide can seem strange and uncomfortable (and it is) however it is dirty work that must be done and it should be both your mother and grand mother. If a random stranger playing basketball with his son will take out the time to help you and listen to you, I am sure your family will. Remember not understanding is different from not caring.

--lamarjlp914

 

I replied and told them I'd already left the light beyond bereavement forum-

 

I guess this means that I'm not going to get ANY help over this.

 

When I mentioned that plan, I was so hurt and upset over Will that I was seriously considering it. I still am considering it, but now, apparently, I have to repress both those feelings and my grief and not let anyone know about it. My friends on Messenger tell me not to repress, but it's obviously the only way I won't go insane.

 

Apparently, I'm NEVER going to get any help over this. It feels like someone's ripped my heart out of my chest. This pain's killing me and my mother and grandmother don't care about what I'm going through. I've begged them over and over to help me get grief therapy, counseling, something, anything that could help me deal with this pain and they just tell me "you need to straighten up".

WILLIAM FRANK MACARTHUR JONES WAS ONE OF THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAD!

 

So far, I'm dealing with this alone. I've been so depressed that I've been spitting my anti-seizure medicine down the toilet behind my mother and grandmother's back; when I can't get rid of it, I try to sabotage it. I hope the next seizure I have does the job and kills me.

 

My last seizure happened in the bathtub; Grandma had me sitting down and was helping me wash my hair when it happened. I'd closed the drain hoping the water could get deep enough so that if I passed out I'd end up drowning. She told me I came close. I wish she'd left me alone and let me die; I would have been reunited with my friend.

 

If my own family doesn't care enough about me to get me any kind of help, I might as well follow Will. I'm looking forward to seeing my friend again; I'd rather it be sooner instead of later.

 

The only help I'm getting now is coming from my messenger contacts and e-mails sent back and forth to and from the Samaritans daily. I'm staying in contact with them.

 

Someone should have the link removed forum destroyed. Anyone know of a good way to send a virus through and set it to only wipe the forum?

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Hey There!

 

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through.

 

I know how bad it can be getting along with family when stuff like this is going on.

 

When really bad stuff happens you become hyper-sensitive.

And when you become that way, you act differently (have normal symptoms of grief), and your family may not like it. Or they simply may not understand your pain.

 

Regardless, I wouldn't suggest opening up to your family about your feelings right now.

I've done that before when I was depressed, and suffering, and it really didn't help, it made things much worse.

 

I would suggest opening up to a therapist, or finding some other place to talk about your feelings.

 

When your grandma pointed out that your friend was on drugs, she was trying to make a point.

What she didn't understand was that she shouldn't have used this incident to make her point.

 

If she wanted to lecture you on the negatives of using drugs, she could have chosen another time.

 

And yes, parents ultimately have your best interest at heart, but they are people like anyone else.

And if you really piss them off for some reason, some of them will lash out at you in anger.

 

Have you and your grandma been on good terms?

 

Regardless, that's just a fact of life, it's nothing that can be helped. But when you're hurting, and in a delicate situation, those little comments can do MAJOR damage.

 

I guess I just want you to know it's survivable.

 

There were times in the past, when being in this house nearly pushed me to suicide.

 

I guess I just want you to know that I feel your pain, and I'm really sorry for all that you're going through.

 

Definitely DON'T kill yourself. You have so much more life left to live. Keep fighting, seek help, do whatever it takes to perserve your life.

You can take anti-depressants, stay in bed for a whole day, scream, cry, check yourself into a hospital.

Do whatever is necessary, to stay here.

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I've been trying to get help but nothing's happened. I've asked my mother (Pat) and grandmother (Madeline) (If I use their first names later, now you'll know who I mean) repeatedly if they could help me see a grief counselor or a therapist over this and they keep refusing- I've even offered to pay all the money I've saved up so far (it's not much; it's a little over 400.00) to try and get help and they won't do anything.

Madeline and I USED TO BE on good terms until the second she slandered Will's memory. It's gone downhill from there.

I've already quit eating. All I've been doing is staying locked in my bedroom, crying my butt off; gazing at a picture I found of my friend online and saved to my computer- I cropped it and turned it into my avatar for this site.

Right now the only thing I want to do is cross that veil myself and join Will. I'd rather have a quick death than this emotional knife through the heart I've had ever since I got the news about him. That knife's not moving; it's just staying there and slowly killing me a little bit at a time each second, minute, hour, day, ect. . . and my OWN FAMILY doesn't care about it?!

I tried talking to Madeline about this; her reply: "well, the boy was on drugs; the last time we let him stay with us he was outside in the backyard smoking dope"- the woman doesn't even have the respect to use his name or anything when she talks about him- the insensitive b----h. That honked me off further. At least I have the compassion and the decency to USE HIS NAME! I'm not getting anywhere with them; there's a little icon on this site that shows how I feel about them exactly: ](*,)

 

AND EVEN IF HE WERE ON MARIJUANA, I STILL CONSIDERED HIM A FRIEND, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

 

I've been repeatedly playing our two favorite Eric Clapton songs, "Layla" and"Tears In Heaven" at full volume since I heard the news about his suicide; I don't give a crap if doing that drives Madeline and Pat crazy or not. If it does, I've got six words for them; the same six words they gave me when I told them I was this hurt: YOU NEED TO SUCK IT UP.

 

Will and I were such close friends that I thought of him as the elder brother I could never have. Does that make any sense?

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I'm afraid I can't comment on link removed's rules because I am not familiar with them. However they are free to set rules and standards of conduct as they see fit. It's something you agree to when joining any forum. If that's what they decided, well that's up to them.

 

However I do see your methods in response to be way, way over the top. Sending them abusive messages? Trying to attack them with a virus? Come on now. That makes me wary of even allowing you to be a member here as well.

 

On the other forum, I do understand why a moderator made a phone call. Many forums do react to obvious threats of suicide. The thought being that a persons life is more important than anything else. They don't want to see you get hurt.

 

I am confused about something. Your profile says you are 27. If that's true, then why do you need your mother and grandmother to get you some help? You don't need their permission at your age. You could call someone on your own.

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The moderator on that site was being an insensitive S.O.B; that's why I thought about doing something to them. I haven't done anything to them, but I was SURE thinking about it. I type in "Madeline's an insensitive b_ _ _ _h," nothing more, and I get banned.

 

I know I can get permission on my own and that I'm old enough to call someone on my own, but I also have a seizure condition; I've had it since I was a little girl. Sometimes, when I pick up the phone, my brain goes blank and I can't talk. The last time I was on the phone and my brain went blank, my FATHER was on the other end. This wasn't someone I didn't know; it was my FATHER.

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I know I can get permission on my own and that I'm old enough to call someone on my own, but I also have a seizure condition; I've had it since I was a little girl. Sometimes, when I pick up the phone, my brain goes blank and I can't talk. The last time I was on the phone and my brain went blank, my FATHER was on the other end. This wasn't someone I didn't know; it was my FATHER.

 

So is the issue that you are having trouble speaking? Forgive me, but I am trying to help here.

 

Can you email a therapist or a clinic in your area instead? Tell them you blank out on the phone sometimes and you need to communicate in writing?

 

If that doesn't work, you've mentioned being in contact with the Samaritans and thats terrific. Would they be willing to make a phone call for you to help you set up an appointment?

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It's okay. The trouble speaking is part of the issue; the other part is that no one in my family gives a crud about the pain I'm in over Will. They're just being insensitive. I'm only in touch with the Samaritans through e-mail. I don't know their number.

 

I found a quote online somewhere: "Friendship, like love, can tear you apart- it can kill you- but if you're lucky, it can put you back together"- I thought "Yeah, right" and added a note of my own after it: "When a friend takes his life, you're just left broken."

 

At 11:00 this morning, Madeline started complaining at me about how her mouth was killing her (she'd had to have a tooth removed); I gave her the exact same response she's been giving me over Will: "Straighten Up," went in my bedroom and slammed the door. Let's find out how SHE likes an emotional knife in the back. If she's hurting right now, TOUGH. She deserves to hurt as far as I'm concerned.

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Take this from someone who has dealt with the things you are going through and knows how you feel...

 

Staying in "that place" is not a good place to be and it's time to get out of there, understand? Put away the records, the photos, and all the things that make you sink down inside yourself and make you wallow in anger and grief when you are ready. It will make you bitter and destroy you if don't.

 

I am sure your friend would not want that for you. And I understand that it must seem so unfair that just because you have a large heart and have an enormous capabilty to love and care for someone that you should suffer so much because of it but who said life was fair? If it was fair, he wouldn't have died right?

 

And it is not really anyone's fault for the way you feel, despite how you might look at things right now. They just don't understand that's all, and they might never understand, don't lay such anger and hate on them for not understanding or knowing how to deal with you. from your posts, I doubt many CAN deal with you right now. But you can. You can get yourself out if you want it.

 

You will remember him always because it won't ever completely go away, love never dies so you do not have to hold on so tightly to keep that love alive... Let him go and set yourself free.

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I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that. That's a lot. And then the forum to ban you...

 

I had a similar experience when I joined a forum for postpartum depression back when I had my son. I only mentioned that every now and then I had suicidal thoughts that sometimes tried to form plans. I didn't say I was going to act on them, in fact I said I was trying to fight the thoughts BUT...

They called my local police department and the police came over to my house ready to take me to the hospital for a "check up". Luckily my husband was home and he works at the mental hospital and told them everything was fine. I'm a good actress so I acted like I didn't know what the hell they were talking about and told the same story to my husband.

I left that forum. I totally understand how it feels to have a forum do that.

 

ENA is a really helpful forum filled with a lot of caring people that want to help.

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I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I guess I'm having to deal with this on my own.

 

No you don't, talk to me if you need someone to talk to. My sister has a seizure disorder so in a way I can relate to how it is for you.

I am disabled also and know how frustrating things can get. When I call people I choke up to.

 

Send me a private message if that is better for you. You can talk to me, I will listen and offer anything I know to help you

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That forum treated you unfairly, mainly because their rules are probably too stringent. (Trust me, I know too much about THAT!)

 

However, wanting to actively shut them down, when they perhaps do help a lot of people, is not right. Think about that. Just because they wronged you doesn't mean they don't help others. It's an Internet Forum, after all. They are allowed to set their parameters.

 

Sounds like you have a lot of anger and hostility and do not know where to direct it. Directing it towards that forum is futile. Dealing with your family issues would be more productive.

 

Try to make steps to liberating yourself from your family. Make small goals, and later, larger goals. I mean, you want out, right? Work on it -- save money, whatever it takes to get out from under these uncaring people. And little by little, get out from under them, ok?

 

Best of luck.

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Work on liberating yourself first, then work on finding a therapist. Most of them work on a sliding scale -- you pay what you can afford.

 

How exactly am I supposed to liberate myself? I'm still saving my money.

I tried to run away from Pat (mom) and Madeline (grandma) after the moderator on the last forum contacted them; Pat came after me and brought me back to the house. Should I wait until they're both asleep one night and then bolt; but this time keep running so they can't bring me back? I'll never be able to emotionally liberate myself until I get therapy; and I don't even know if that'll work. I guess I'm just hoping for something that'll never happen.

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