What Choice do I have....??

My GF and I have been together for a little over two years... I love her and don't want to end the relationship, but we have ONE major problem in our relationship... Yes, it's sex...

Or lack of in my opinion... nuthin new on this site right?

She wants far less sex than I do. This has been going on since about 3-4 months into the relationship. She's told me she's been this way in all of her LTR.

We've had many "discussions" about it. We're both frustrated. I ask her for sex too often, and she desires sex far too infrequently for me.

Over the course of our relationship, the sex has gone from 3 or 4 times over a weekend, in the beginning to once or 2wice a month now.

She's told me many different things that I should do, which would make her want sex more often:

Touch and hold her without the expectation of sex, IMO we do this all the time. We hold hands all the time, I hug and kiss her, tell her I love her....but I have to ask her to sit next to me...I have to ask her for a kiss when she comes in from work. If I don't say anything, she doesn't think about it and she'd sit in the chair accross the room on her laptop, and pay me no mind.

She's told me to not ask for sex as often... this I could understand, at one point I would either try to initiate, and ask her for sex multiple times a day. I have stopped "nagging" months ago.

Thinking she might be bored, I've tried initiating sex in different ways, to no avail. I've tried different things....I've purchased toys she's told me she was interested in, which she then refused to use...*shrug*

She tells me she feels guilty because I want sex, and she constantly tells me no. On the other hand I feel guilty for even asking for sex at this point.

We recently went to counseling, we only had 3 sessions until my benefits ran out. Our therapist recommended that my GF continue on with some private sessions since she has insurance, to try to work out some related issues that may be contributing to the problem. She agreed, but then after we left the office, she told me she didn't want to go back.

I've talked to a friend about it.. she tells me I shouldn't stay in a relationship in which I am so unhappy. Silly thing is, on what is getting to be the rare occasion that we have sex more often, I'm happy and don't see any problem in our relationship. (once or twice this year, we had sex 2 times in the same week!! WOOHOO!)

I just don't know what to do.. I know if I bring the subject up... tell her I want more sex. Nothing is going to happen.....

I've never tried giving her an ultimatum, I'm not really too comfortable with that idea. I don't think that's the way to negotiate in a relationship...

but I don't know where to go from here....

You know its better for you two to have a mental emotional relationship then a relationship based on sex. You'll just have to enjoy being with her , and let the sex dissapate. I would just try to rub it off rather then requesting her for sex because it just makes both of you miserable. Or maby try female viagra?

A relationship that is worth it consists of two people committed to working out whatever comes up for the betterment of both. Please read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

You wanting sex is normal . Sex is part of a healthy relationship. You do Not need to just accept a sex less or very little sex relationship if you do not want to.

You will also need help . Paying outright for counseling is worth it. Reading books are cheap.

Did you know that the partner with the least sex drive controls sex? Sex has a lot to do with the power balance in a relationship. It also has to do with issues from the orginal family , ( one's parents ) that show up in a relationship. Did you wife have any trauma surrounding sex in the past?

It is not just up to you to resolve this. It is both people's responsibility to meet each others need sexually. You have choices, you can stay or go. She has choices, she can stay and resolve this issues, she may go, she may try to stay and not resolve this.

Who do you want to be, in general and in this relationship? How important is a healthy sex life to you? Starting asking a lot of questions. And get ambitous about solutions.

Let the sex dissipate..? Dax....Are you serious? Sex is a very big READ: important part of a relationship to me... IMO a relationship w/o sex is just a "friendship" not a romantic relationship.

And I actually do "rub one out" at least once a day... It helps, but doesn't replace the intimacy of sex with someone you love.

I never thought that wanting sex was abnormal... that's not even something I thought twice about.

And not for one second do I think her not wanting it as much is abnormal either. I'm just wondering what can I do with a partner that seems unwilling to compromise at all...

BTW, I have read books about this, articles about couples with differing sex drives, etc.

It's pretty obvious that the partner with the lower libido controls the couple's sex life..

What really gets me, is the fact she has a married friend whose husband will not have sex with her at all!! My GF told me, that she didn't think she could remain physically faithful in a situation like that..... Now I know there's a pretty big difference between not having sex in years, and only once a month, but ... she said that ???

I totally agree with this. I would most certainly hold off marrying her at this point because this problem will just get worse if it is not addressed and sorted out now. Either she has has some trauma or negative messages about sex in the past, or she simply has a low sex drive. While it is very important to have an emotional connection and common values etc in a relationship, incompatible sex drives can drive couples apart no matter what other positive things they have going for them. It is not actually the lack of the physical act of sex which is the main cause of the rift in couples with varying sex drives...it is the feelings of rejection for one and the feelings of being put upon and pressured by the other.

break up..........

break up..........

I'd rather not......

let's see.... you've been together for 2 years, which is 24 months, and you've been dealing with this low sex drive since.... 3-4 months in..... so that means that for about 87.5% of your relationship, you've been unhappy with the sex aspect......

I definitely don't agree with Dax and am leaning towards what Annie has said...lack of sexual intimacy is a HUGE problem...being physical connects you and brings you closer, it is a way of expressing love adn connection as well as a great stress reliever and the best activity in the world!

with that said I don't think you can change a girls sexual appetite...so you have to decide if you can live with a more emotional relationship with her and a physical relationship with your hand OR if you should find someone who meets all of your needs...

do you not believe that there could be someone out there who you connect with in all ways? would you not like to be with someone whose desire for you matches your desire for them?

You have to really ask yourself how important sex is to you and what it represents to you in a relationship.

If you can pinpoint all the reasons you need/want sex more often you could try bringing that to your g/f and let her know this is a serious issue for you then maybe she might be more inclined to try harder but i have to say sexual incompatibility and expectations are hard to change and one partner always ends up feeling taken advantage of.

let's see.... you've been together for 2 years, which is 24 months, and you've been dealing with this low sex drive since.... 3-4 months in..... so that means that for about 87.5% of your relationship, you've been unhappy with the sex aspect......

I know.. you're right

but we've been dealing with this issue forever.. everytime I bring this up,(No matter how often or seldom) she rolls her eyes..*Not this again...*

In most every other way this relationship is perfect.. ALMOST.....The sex thing just accentuates the little things that aggravate me as well...

i don't blame you for wanting sex. like you said yourself, without the sex, then it's just being friends. if she won't let you go outside the relationship to fulfill your needs, and she isn't willing to meet your needs (and you aren't willing to be ok with sex once a month or whatever), then i'd say both of you should just move on and find more compatible partners.

I'm sure that there are women out there that I could connect with. I've met a few of them.. (No I haven't done anything other than meet them.. I won't cheat on my GF)

Sex is REALLY important to me.. but whenever I try to bring it up.. to discuss my feelings, I wind up feeling guilty.. I'm a firm believer in the idea that no one can make you feel guilty but yourself... but none the less, It happens.

i don't blame you for wanting sex. like you said yourself, without the sex, then it's just being friends. if she won't let you go outside the relationship to fulfill your needs, and she isn't willing to meet your needs (and you aren't willing to be ok with sex once a month or whatever), then i'd say both of you should just move on and find more compatible partners.

Well.. yeah, actually I had a friend suggest I go outside the relationship for sex, but I would rather not.. I'm not just after sex, I want the sexual intimacy with my GF... but I'm afraid I'm never going to get that.

So, instead of asking her for sex, tell her that since she isnt interested in making love with you, would she mind if you found someone who didnt mind. You wouldnt share the details and work it on an as needed basis.

See if she's agreeable to this. I dont mean actually go screw someone else, but bring it up.

I agree with Annie. I really think you should break up with her. You will be miserable in the long run. You deserve someone who is at least willing to talk about sex and who cares about your need for sex. You don't need someone who has exactly the same sex drive, just someone who is willing to talk about it and see what can be worked out.

So, instead of asking her for sex, tell her that since she isnt interested in making love with you, would she mind if you found someone who didnt mind. You wouldnt share the details and work it on an as needed basis.

 

See if she's agreeable to this. I dont mean actually go screw someone else, but bring it up.

I've thought about saying that... esp since she'd made the comment about her friend's relationship.. But I am relatively sure that would end rather badly.

I know there's no magic answer.. probably no "perfect" answer at all.

The big red flag I see here is not her lack of sex drive, but her dismissive attitude when you try to discuss it and find solutions. You are being great, trying to reach out to her and meet half-way, but it sounds like she doesn't care to budge. IMO, that should be even more cause for concern than the actual issue of lack of sex.

I agree about not looking to someone else. I doubt going outside the relationship is the answer. That's just inviting a higher risk of STDs into your life. And sex is not just a physical act. I'm sure there are so many reasons why you want to have sex with your gf (love, spiritual connection etc) rather than a random person.

I do think, however, that you can go and build that type of relationship with someone else and be much happier and much more fulfilled.

Neither of you is happy with the current arrangement. You both need to find people who fit your needs and whom you can connect with on all of the other levels that are important to you.

Has she been on the birth control for a long time? Same one? That can be it, or possibly her hormones. Or maybe she just isn't sexually attracted to you anymore?

Yes.. we thought BC might've been her problem in the past.. but she went and got an IUD, about a 6 or 7 months ago. That apparently was not the problem.

And yes.. I agree with you on her attitude Journeyroad.. she is pretty selfish about this.. I guess it could be said I am too.

And lady00 I guess I know you're right.. I just don't want to end this relationship.. I hold on pretty tight when I have someone. When I think about it, it seems like the best thing to do...but I desperately want to be able to come up with another solution. She just won't see any other way.

I think you should break up too. Sorry... It's just that... I agree with Annie, in 24 months you've been dealing with this big fat conflict, one that your gf refuses to help you out on because clearly... it's your problem, or she's unwilling to reach a compromise.

You say.. you don't want to break up with her - fair enough. But if you don't, then you have to except that from now on, you will only have sex on her terms, and who knows, after she becomes a mother, that may mean less than twice a year.

When you decide that you really want to commit to your partner you really do feel that despite your differences, whatever they are, there is something inside of them that keeps you together, keeps you believing in them and hanging on. The fact that this is bothering you to counselling sessions and reading all the books til the cows come home shows me that you're not going to be able to hang in there.

And I agree with other posters - it's not the lack of sex that's the issue, it's the attitude. I mean from her point of view, assuming that she finds you sexy, what's so hard about heavy petting on a regular basis or smooching in bed even?

The more I think about your situation, the more I agree with the others here. If she is not willing to meet you half way, this is not going to work out and you will be emotionally (and physically) unsatisfied. Being with someone is all about making the effort to please them. In fact, you put them ahead of yourself. She's not doing that. She's sitting in her comfort zone and leaving you to deal with it alone. That's really self-centered. After all your efforts, I would assume at this point that she's not going to change.

You sound like such a great guy, and I hate to see a rarity like you wasted on someone who doesn't appreciate you.

She needs to get her hormones check, but most likely she is probably not sexually compatible with you.