Surrounded by man-eaters. Deep mistrust in the whole female species.

Can men ever, ever, ever trust women?

I would like to ask all men out there whether you ever trusted a woman (especially in love, e.g. who was your girlfriend) and this trust was never misused by her in some way...?

I would like to briefly depict a bit of my personal history, and ask whether you think that my view of the world (and especially women) is healthy, justifiable... or whether I am somehow wrong... I would like to be wrong! But my experience, and my feelings... keep telling me that I should never trust any woman, even if she's my girlfriend.

Or perhaps I am just unlucky.

Unlucky because every single time I seem to fall in love... and it seems to be something serious... I discover that I was taken on a ride, played a joke on.

As I said elsewhere I am someone who meets lots of people constantly as I work in event management, nightclubs, parties, etc. so I seem to have only rare opportunities to meet people well.

Some of them are even stories that date back to years.

In each case though, starting from my first major romantic involvement, I seem to have met women who have plenty of other men... "player"-women... so to say.

They do everything to conquer my heart, say all nice words, do nice things, give lots of positive signs... sometimes even say they love me... and a few days later somehow give the message that they were just... playing around... that they already have some richer boyfriend... or richer boyfriends... which obviously breaks my heart a bit.

Ever since that first experience I expect the worst from any woman I meet. And I think that even my current "girlfriend" is like that... I analyze her every word... and think that everything she says actually is a lie, just to conquer my heart and then ruin all the happiness created.

But I'd like to ask... in my confusion... are all women like that??

Do all women have a set of lovers, with a scale of preference, e.g. the rich boyfriend, the secret lovers, the sub-lovers, the second degree admirers...?

Do all women enjoy giving men the impression that they like them... and then laugh and say it's joke or something??

Please help me...

As I said elsewhere I am someone who meets lots of people constantly as I work in event management, nightclubs, parties, etc. so I seem to have only rare opportunities to meet people well.

I think this is the root of your complex. You are dealing with so many fake people who give lip service about hook ups, connections, guest lists, and what not. I undertsnad this completely. Especially when you have it not materialize in the end. Words hold little bond in that sense so to protect yourself you require action. This may spill over into the ideas you have of women. Also the types of women and the scenes you meet them in dictate the pool you will come accross. You would probably meet a very sweet honest girl at the library or a museum, as opposed to the club/party scene. Those girls require a little too much stimulation and can be easily persuaded. This is what I percieve through my experiences with fake girls and trust issues with people. BTW I trust my g/f.

My husband trusts me.

You seem to be coming from a powerless position. A man eater? Taken for a ride?

Who is making the decisions here? You?

Are you confident you can deal with whatever issues comes your way in a relationship? Why can't you spot a "man-eater" miles away and then avoid them?

What are you getting out of this victim mentality?

Every women you meet, as well as every man will have an agenda. Get used to critical thinking. What is this person's agenda in their dealings with me? Is it worth it to be with them?

If you find that it's not worth it, don't date women. I bet you will have few complaints about that.

Find your own power. Use education and all the resources you have available to you to do that. Stop acting like a victim. Be single and healthy first and then atrract the right women for you. Change your attitude to appriciate the many wonderful qualities women have.

My bf hasn't been very lucky. 4 girlfriends. 3 have cheated on him. I'm the only one who hasn't.

He trusts me though, the same as I trust him.

i do not have a set of lovers. i have my husband. and only my husband.

and he trusts me completely. he has no reason not to.

You work in club management. I promote clubs occasionally and it draws people with personality disorders who are utterly fake. Fun if you are just looking for sex, but some women aren't relationship material and clubs are sometimes full of em (not to say every girl who goes to a club or even most are not relationship material).

I distrust women as a whole. I don't give off an air of mistrust but I do. But you have to be open minded about it and self-aware, letting your guard down carefully and slowly, but don't refuse to let it down altogether. There are plenty of good women out there.

Thanks.

I wasn't clear about a thing. Please, please, please...

I meet loads of people in the nightlife scene, especially women, but the ones I get romantically involved with I usually meet while traveling, or are women I knew years ago from some exchange program with the school.

And yet it seems that even they are somehow... fake.

I seem not to understand beforehand whether a woman is fake or not.

It takes a break up to do so...

busy has your girlfriend demonstrated any qualities that seem fake?

How many fake women have you dated prior to her?

Is there anything you might be doing to attract these types of low quality women?

I sense a kindred spirit here.

You have to realize there are hundreds, no thousands, of women who feel the same way about men and probably with good reason. Many men will do things behind their g/fs, wives back and lie in a heartbeat. However, does that mean ALL men do it because a good number of them do? No, it doesn't. Same for women and your thoughts on them.

You can choose to believe everyone is the same and end up bitter and lonely or you can keep on a vigil to look for someone who isn't like the rest. But be prepared to try to attract these women by not allowing yourself to be a pushover, and also emulating the kinds of traits you expect out of them yourself.

I have found that men who are like you, who feel they are always used and taken for a ride in relationships also allowed a lot of it and ignored huge redflags for the sake of not being alone. If this is your case you have to take responsibility for your part in this, and work hard to change it.

I was going to reply to this thread, but then I saw that JadedStar already said it, and much better than I could. I agree 101%.

You can choose to believe everyone is the same and end up bitter and lonely or you can keep on a vigil to look for someone who isn't like the rest. But be prepared to try to attract these women by not allowing yourself to be a pushover, and also emulating the kinds of traits you expect out of them yourself.

 

I have found that men who are like you, who feel they are always used and taken for a ride in relationships also allowed a lot of it and ignored huge redflags for the sake of not being alone. If this is your case you have to take responsibility for your part in this, and work hard to change it.

This is indeed perfect advice that I fully agree with.

However, the difference between me and other men is probably that I would like to believe in change. More precisely, I don't like to stay passive towards other peoples' behavior and personalities, and instead find a way to change them through my words and actions.

Although many find it extremely strange and sometimes even impossible, I have believed in this concept ever since I was a kid, and I know that while most people are pessimistic about this, there are many who constantly change others.

Why am I talking about change?

Mainly, I think, because I am a person who loves, who cares for people; and not a person who looks for love (for the mere sake of love). If I were the latter kind of person, I could instantly drop and forget the whole story with the girl I currently consider to be a potential man-eater, and start experiencing other women who are more "compatible" with my expectations of love and a relationship.

I'll summarize what I am trying to say in a few words:

If someone is doing something that hurts, I would at least try to put some efforts in understanding why that person is doing so and convince her to "convert" or re-assess herself... Should I simply let God and the Devil judge the destiny of that persons' life and carry on with my life in my own way? My answer, from deep inside, is no.

I am telling this explicitly because I sometimes get the feeling that people suggest easy solutions which involve only a change on oneself and not the slightest effort to act on others. I may sound arrogant or idealistic in saying this, but I believe that each of us has a lot of responsibility towards others as well, and that this can be pursued actively with words and actions.

Practically, my question would be: what can I do to make a man-eater woman re-assess herself? What approach should I take in trying to talk with her seriously, at a non-superficial level?

I think that men and women are all genetically encoded to cheat and trade up to some degree.

Everyone from both sexes get strong urges - though the temptations are obviously different for evolutionary reasons. Taken women see a tall good looking rich guy and they salivate regardless of whomever they're with. Taken men see a young beautiful bombshell and they salivate regardless of whom they're with.

But there are definitely men and women who are better at keeping those urges under control and some either can't or won't. Nightclubs are essentially meat markets. If you meet all your women there they are likely looking for eye candy - not relationships. Which is ok, if that's all you're looking for as well.

I'd recommend taking a night class in something that interests you. You'll then meet women more like yourself. Not all women are the stereotypical cheating gold digger, just like not all men are dirty dogs that can't keep it in their pants.

Everyone is an individual at the end of the day.

I disagree that we are genetically programmed to trade up. I've always been faithful and loyal in my relationships with guys. I've never tried to trade up. I am particular with whom I choose but once chosen I stick. Sometimes to my detriment. I've tried to change and help the guys i've been with and they really have to change themselves. You can't make anyone change. I agree to meet someone in a club or a class you have an intersest in and stay away from shallow superficial hotties.

fool me once.. shame on you...

fool me twice.. shame on me...

ugh another all women are bad/evil/conniving biatches...

why overgeneralize? why do men get so bitter? how many threads do you see from females talking about how all men are shallow/materialistic pigs (please note: i do not feel this way about men-just giving an example)

you have had some bad experiences...doesn't mean ALL women are bad...

Deep mistrust in the whole female species.

This is the root of it to me. Why is it that people think somehow a gender can define a trait. Females are the same species as males. There is very, very little difference between the make up of a male and a female. If you see them as an alien species then you will magnify differences in your head. The first thing everyone should do is stop thinking male/female and start thinking people.

Your outlook on life will much improve.

If you view them negatively... you will find negative ones.

If you view them positively as beutiful, intelligent, compassionate, insightful, sexy, human beings... you will find those instead...

I want the positive ones...

If you view them negatively... you will find negative ones.

 

If you view them positively as beutiful, intelligent, compassionate, insightful, sexy, human beings... you will find those instead...

 

I want the positive ones...

 

i was going to rep you but apparently i need to spread it around more

I TOTALLY agree...

Thanks Kuiks8... it's nice to be apprecitated/validated.

The cold hard fact about love and relationships is that while they many times just dont' work out for a variety of reasons, the upside of taking the risk is what you make of it, and I really believe it can be wonderful (this coming from a guy who took an awful amount of emotional abuse in an 18 year marriage and stayed because of the "committment" to the marriage and my kids...she was a user and always will be). I KNOW there's a person out there I can build a relationship with. I'll never give up.

I truly believe there are women (and men) out there who can get into a relationship and stick to it, but sometimes the relationship just wasn't meant to be. I very much agree that the bar/club scene is the place for posers and players. Oh...and they are realllly good at it. Getting under your skin, reading your needs and using them to manipulate the relationship for themselves.

Trust is such a difficult thing to rebuild...just don't fall into the trap of thinking most women are this way. I'll never believe it.

I went through a man-hating phase, and I am so glad I am out of it now. It takes way too much energy to feel so negatively towards an entire gender!

I will be the first to admit that I have not always been faithful and I certainly have not always been kind in my relationships.

Sometimes the reasons were selfish and sometimes they were a twisted self-defense mechanism and sometimes they were to protect the other person from caring too much for me.

I did learn to behave differently but it took a long time. I had to decide to stop being a false person. Even afterwards there were still times when my feelings got in the way of good reasonable decisions.

I am not perfect and I continually strive for better, clearer, more meaningful relationships.

My 2 cents.

No-not every woman is like that. I'm not like that. I'm 41...I've been married and am financially secure enough I don't need nor do I want a rich boyfriend. Actually, I HAD a rich boyfriend and he was the biggest jerk and an abusive narcissist. Been there, done that-lol

That said, it does seem like there's been an erosion in ethics, compassion, consideration and honesty in people, in general, not just women, since I was in my 20s. People are way more willing to f*** someone over. I've been f'd over since my divorce. My current bf has f'd me over...felt free to contact an ex when I'd asked him not to...lied about it...etc etc. How can you truly say you LOVE someone then do stuff like this? People don't know what love is anymore.

Maybe you and I should hook up. or are we too cynical and damaged?

BTW I look really good for my age-LOL