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Being with someone who is always negative!!!


mizzterious

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I can't stand talking to my boyfriend of a little over a year anymore. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a complaint about something insignificant, terrible things about other people, how he hates his job. It doesn't matter what he is talking about - it is always in a negative way.

 

I can't talk to him anymore, it's so hard to have a conversation with someone who can't say anything nice. I consider myself a pretty positive and upbeat person and he really brings me down.

 

As his girlfriend I should be there for him when he needs to vent and get his frusterations out. But that is all he has to say ever! He can go on and on for hours without saying a positive thing. If I try to talk about something else he will always have something negative to say about it. Its depressing!!!

 

I have asked him why he can't say anything nice but he just blows me off. I have no intrest in even taking to him anymore. How can I tell him what his problem is?

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You could try letting him know how it makes you feel when he is always negative. Stress to him how tiresome it is for you and that it is bringing you down and you don't want to put up with it anymore.

Try an I feel statement

When you are always NEGATIVE i FEEL stressed because I value positivity in life....something like that...

name the behavior, say how it makes you feel and tell him why it bothers you...

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I have a friend like that, and it's hard to be around him sometimes. I feel like I have to work twice as hard just so I don't get into a bad mood too. It's so draining and I can't imagine if he were my boyfriend and having to deal with that on a regular basis.

 

Not to sure if you can be the one to help him out of his negativity. My friend is almost chronically depressed and your bf sounds pretty similar to him. Everything just takes to much damn effort and what's the point, because I won't enjoy it anyway: his basic attitude.

 

If I were you, I'd get out of the relationship, leave him to winge by himself, and be around people who are a bit more optimistic about life.

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There are some people who are just constantly negative about everything and unless they are willing to change there is not much anyone else can do except limit the time spent with that person or learn to tune it out. Clearly talking to your boyfriend is not working...he doesn't see that he has a problem. Your choices are 1) tune him out when he goes on a negativity rant 2) give him x amount of time to be negative about something and when he starts rambling on and on say something like "Anyway..." and then launch into a different topic. 3) end the relationship and find someone you enjoy hanging around.

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Well, do you really want to work it out? If you do then tell him his negative attitude is a real downer and he could have therapy to fix that.I am more inclined to walk away from such people because I have heard it enough in my life and do not have the time of day for it. I guess it is if you want to work it out or no.

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I couldn't be with someone like this. Like you, it would drive me nuts. I have no advice other than to dump him. I'm not one of those people who thinks breaking up is always the answer but you have already addressed this and he blew you off. For me that would be the end of that. I would never leave a situation like this without first trying to talk about it. But if your guy doesn't want to hear it...makes me wonder what else in your relationship he refuses to hear you out about. Gotta have communication and people in relationships need to be able to share their views and have their input discussed and taken seriously. Otherwise, it's just a one-person show.

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i've definitely been there before... my ex could not ever see the good in anything. i felt like everything that came out of his mouth was always a negative...even when good things happened he had something to complain about.

 

some personalities are just that way, there might not be a lot you can do to change his perspective. i would recommend pointing it out every time he says something you can't stand (yes, you might wind up doing it every time he opens his mouth for awhile).

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if he keeps this up, he's going to be one of those bitter old single men you see in the grocery store, only buying cans of beans and TV dinners and nudie mags, and they smell kind of weird. not very attractive.

 

if you don't want this kind of negativity for the rest of your life, and your bf doesn't grow a cheerier disposition, break up with him. some people have it really bad, you know, like people who were in concentration camps, and they could still find things here and there to be excited about. who wants that much negativity and crap!?

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If he hasn't always been like that, then I'd have a big heart to heart about it.

 

It could be that he is building some walls, and needs someone to talk to about it. As his gf, if he can't open up to you, then there are some real problems. Open up after all is put on the table and you tell him directly how you feel.

 

Have one of those "this is how I feel" "this is how things are for me" talks.

 

Basically outreach a hand and take the initiate to show some vulnerability around him again. If he is negative all the time, you've most likely learned to walk on eggshells and censor and put up walls around him.

 

I'd give it some time after laying it all out for him. To see if it wakes him up or not.

 

An intimate relationship without the intimacy is just not worth crippling around for.

 

But I'd give him a chance...if you see potential here, love him, and want a future with him.

 

Good luck in your decision and figuring out what is the best course for you in this case. After all, you are the only one here who really knows him and how deep this runs...and how badly it has affected the relationship overall.

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I would sit him down and tell him his negative attitude is seriously affecting me and the relationship.

I can't stand people who complain the whole time. It's just really hard to deal with. I like upbeat people, since sometimes I myself can be a bit down. I love it when I have someone positive to make me positive, and vice versa.

 

If he continues this way and refuses to change his character I doubt there is much you could do.

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Wow, that's a tough one because he's your boyfriend. Reminds me of my exhusband...he was the same way. No matter what he said, it was negative. If I tried to put a positive spin on it, he'd just get angry.

 

Sorry I have no answer for you. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

 

~Allie

 

My wife too...just one of the reasons we separated. This behavior is really tough to deal with, and emotionally draining. It sucked the life out of our marriage. I did all the right things...told her how I felt, set good examples, etc.

 

Her insecurities were the root cause, but the behavior itself became unacceptable. It hurt other people, myself so much.

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Hey, I just had to register so that I could respond and let you know that I've been in the same situation as you for the past few years. I'm a positive person who always makes the most of life but my BF always makes out that he's so hard done by and everyone else is rubbish and the world is out to get him etc etc. It's so soul-sapping and ultimately boring. I've put up with it in order to be the supportive girlfriend, listening to his rants, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I finished the relationship last night. I feel really crap about it because he's not a bad guy but hopefully it will get better in time. Like others have said, you deserve to be with people who appreciate life as much as you! Good luck mizzterious x

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Hey, I just had to register so that I could respond and let you know that I've been in the same situation as you for the past few years. I'm a positive person who always makes the most of life but my BF always makes out that he's so hard done by and everyone else is rubbish and the world is out to get him etc etc. It's so soul-sapping and ultimately boring. I've put up with it in order to be the supportive girlfriend, listening to his rants, but there comes a time when enough is enough. I finished the relationship last night. I feel really crap about it because he's not a bad guy but hopefully it will get better in time. Like others have said, you deserve to be with people who appreciate life as much as you! Good luck mizzterious x

 

Yes...the fact that a lot of people who do this are deep down good people makes this especially hard to deal with. One of those "I love you/care about you, but you are not good for me..." kinda things.

 

An of course, if they are really insecure, breaking up with them just feeds into it.

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My wife too...just one of the reasons we separated. This behavior is really tough to deal with, and emotionally draining. It sucked the life out of our marriage. I did all the right things...told her how I felt, set good examples, etc.

 

Her insecurities were the root cause, but the behavior itself became unacceptable. It hurt other people, myself so much.

 

Sorry that you went through this too. I really know how draining it is. You have to walk in someone's shoes to really understand.

 

~Allie

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YOu definitely should talk to him about it, but brace yourself - people with this personality often have a real hard time turning it around and when they do it is a lengthy process. They simply don't even recognize that they are doing it many times...it has become such a part of their day to day life.

 

If you really want to help him you can establish a keyword that you both choose that you can say when he starts down this "Negative Norman" path to help gently remind him that his conversation is turning doom and gloom. Give yourself a timeframe internally that you want to see improvement - you don't have to share that timeline with him, just set a date for yourself a month, or two months, etc ahead that you can live with and re-evaluate his success, or lack of, at that time. If it just doesn't improve think about walking becuase this can absolutely be miserable to the person who is more upbeat.

 

I have found that this type of person does better in a relationship with a person with similar views. I know a few couples where both are such debbie downers and you can tell they almost enjoy commiserating together. They can't seem to talk about anything but doom and gloom but they are ok with it. It is when you mix a positive and upbeat person with a negative nelly that probelms usually crop up.

 

Good luck!

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Sorry that you went through this too. I really know how draining it is. You have to walk in someone's shoes to really understand.

 

~Allie

 

It is. I may go down as the "typical guy who leave who left his wife", but really, no one but me will ever really understand how her behavior torpedoed our marriage. Jesus...she use to rifle through people's bills, etc. when she house-sat just to complain about how much money they made...what their bills were. I'd read her the riot act about how completely wrong it was...but to her, she was just "snooping". The jones-sing, snips about so-and-so's "attitude", on and on and on. How ever clerk in the world treats her like crap.

 

Even now, most communications are negative and suspicious. I wish I could chalk it up to the separation, but this behavior goes all the way back.

 

Maybe...someday...I'll have a relationship with someone normal.

 

Sorry to the original poster...didn't want to take this thread in my direction....I do also think you should have it out about your feelings on this. If there is the capacity for change, maybe it will work. Good luck.

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I had an ex-partner who had three copies of 'Eeyore's Little Book of Gloom', which had been given to him by three totally unconnected people! Luckily I only saw him at weekends, and often in a situation where there were lots of other people around - so his negativity was diluted. In many ways, he is a good person - loyal, moral and faithful - and it wasn't all negative.

 

But after we'd split up, in amongst the sorrow, I found myself feeling much lighter. I didn't need to worry about enjoying things which were just silly, lightweight and fun! For some people, being negative actually keeps them feeling safe and I doubt your guy's going to give up his basic personality that easily. Make sure you have plenty of people in your life who will affirm your positivity, keep doing the things that make you the person you are - and the question of whether to stay or to leave him will take care of itself.

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