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Thread: He loves me and cares for me, but not sexually attracted?

  1. #1
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    He loves me and cares for me, but not sexually attracted?

    Hi, I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 28 and we've been together over a year now. We live together and have been since about four months into our relationship. I recently found an IM conversation log he was having with his friend a few months ago, talking about how if he could just "adjust" my body then things would be okay, and how he lusts for other girls constantly when I am not around and how it's been that way from the beginning. But follows that by saying when I am not depressed we laugh and have so much fun together. He also said when we first met in an IM about how his other girlfriends were "hotter."

    I confronted him about it, and he pretty much broke up with me. He told me that I am not "healthy" and that he isn't attracted to many girls, and that he doesn't want to "jump my bones" all the time. That the sexual chemistry just "isn't there" and I don't have "a way about me." But he still cares about me a lot and loves me and wants to help me "get on my feet" and be independent.

    I have never had this problem with anyone else. I am 5'7" and 120lbs, 36b breasts, and still have a somewhat curvy figure. The only thing is I don't have a fashionably big butt that is all the rage right now, and my legs are a little skinny. Every other man I have been with has always thought I was so beautiful, and people always tell me I could be a model.

    We have had a lot of stress in our relationship, I have no family and a mentally ill mother and was recently in an abusive six year relationship with a drug addict, and just a few months into us knowing each other, I found out about the suicide of one of my closest friends, and ex boyfriend. I feel that these things have come in between a love that was fated for us and that it isn't fair. I truly didn't know he felt that way and thought he was going to marry me some day. We work on art together and have a gallery and have plans to travel overseas. He says he loves me so much and that there is just too much stress and fighting. It's just sad that he's giving up now when all the problems are starting to be resolved.

    We have decided to give it "one last chance" but I have such a cold feeling about it. I am so deeply hurt and my self esteem is completely destroyed. Especially since I know he was so passionate with all his other girlfriends and really a genuine and beautiful man. I have never loved someone so deeply as I love him and the sex and chemistry hasn't always been bad. It comes and goes and every time it comes back and things start looking up, something bad from "outside" happens and destroys everything.

    I'm not sure what to do about this. If I move out with him, I also have nowhere to go, no friends, and no family. I know I'm not just latching on to him because of my situation, I just really thought this was a beautiful gift after all the hell I've been through in my life. I am so sad and lost

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    hi - i am so sorry to hear about this. first off, i don't think you should stay with your bf just because you have no where else to go. can you check craigslist in your area? people are always looking for roommates, or someone to rent a spare bedroom in their house. i bet you can find a good deal. find a group of women your age who want to share an apartment, or a nice lady looking to rent out a room in her house.

    next, i am sure you are really lovely. but maybe you aren't his type. you know, there are plenty of guys who don't see what the fuss is over Halle Berry, and she's been consistently named one of the most beautiful people in the world!!!

    i think you deserve a lot better. i am so sorry about everything you've had to go through. i would start trying to move out, rebuild your self esteem. find some friends by taking dance classes, getting involved in community theater, volunteer, go to church or other places where you will meet people who share common interests.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member karvala's Avatar
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    5'7" and 120lbs, 36b, thin legs? Do give me your number. j/k!!!

    I agree with Annie, people have different tastes, and if he's not into you for whatever reason, then that's a reflection of his (lack of!) taste, not your appearance.

    I think you do probably need to call it quits at this point. There is little more devastating for a relationship than for one partner to discover unequivocally that the other partner is not attracted to them. It kills any attempt at loving closeness, and without that, there isn't much left. Attraction is not all or even most of a relationship, but it is a necessary part of one, and it's not something that either of you can readily change. I'm sorry you had to hear it in the way that you did.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    You are only 22 and in that time period you have been with your current guy for over a year and previously had a six year relationship with a toxic individual. In other words you have been in relationships non-stop since you were around 15 years old with not much time in between to get yourself established and independent. Without family to lean on it is understandable that you want someone around that you can lean on and that is there for you. However, staying in toxic relationships or in a relationship where you are not physically desired is not a good idea. You should not sell yourself short. There are men who would indeed love you, cherish you AND be attracted to your body. Your body is not the problem here..the problem is that for whatever reason he just doesn't feel attracted to you in that way...you can't force someone to feel that attraction...and "faking it" is not doing either of you any good. I am not so sure this relationship is worth staying in because it will always be at the back of your mind that he is not attracted to you and you will feel insecure as a result. You have had enough heartache in your life and you don't need to feel second best to anyone. Go out there and live your life as a single, free woman until you meet someone who is not only stable and emotionally healthy, but also loves all of you...mind AND body. In the meantime, work on your own issues and get yourself in a healthier place so that you can live independently until someone worthwhile comes along.

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    I don't want to stay with him only because I don't have somewhere to go. I really love him and he has helped me so much and made me so happy. We have all these projects together and I think we could really help a lot of people together. Its funny, because if I hadn't found all of that and told him, we would still be existing as we always had, and maybe continue making progress in our connection.

    There were so many outside factors that we didn't get the chance to ever just relax with each other, but we stayed together in faith that it would calm down and we would get to have a normal relationship. Because we both felt something very strong for each other and wanted it to develop, which it does very well until something knocks us down again.

    I always make so many mistakes because I am too emotional. I should have just kept it to myself because everything was finally going well without any stress between us. He also often says that the stress is the cause of the way he feels, and because of how upset i was about my friend dying, and me fighting with him. That it is too much strain on him. I don't have enough self control with my emotions.

    Maybe now that these things are over, it could work out? or does that sound totally insane. x___x i am very scared.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    I think when someone causes a lot of emotional upheaval in a relationship the other person can end up losing attraction for that person. Now, being upset about friends dying is perfectly understandable so perhaps that wasn't really the issue. However if it is one thing after another that you are going on about and you are always a real downer, getting emotional and fighting, that could indeed cause him to lose attraction for you and just be hanging on in the hopes that it will get better. It sounds like you have a lot of growing to do on your own to come to terms with everything. If someone in a relationship is not emotionally healthy, it really impacts how the other person relates to them and feels about them.

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    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    I think when someone causes a lot of emotional upheaval in a relationship the other person can end up losing attraction for that person. Now, being upset about friends dying is perfectly understandable so perhaps that wasn't really the issue. However if it is one thing after another that you are going on about and you are always a real downer, getting emotional and fighting, that could indeed cause him to lose attraction for you and just be hanging on in the hopes that it will get better. It sounds like you have a lot of growing to do on your own to come to terms with everything. If someone in a relationship is not emotionally healthy, it really impacts how the other person relates to them and feels about them.
    its so sad because i know this is the case and like i said before, the whole situation was getting better, and it is my rotten luck now that it would be potentially unsalvage-able. i just want to show him that i am not really like that, and it was just all these things that were like bad luck that i couldn't help at all. it was just a bad cycle, my fear of him losing interest because of everything, his distance due to stress, and lashing out from having to keep it bottled up. can cycles like this be broken?

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    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    I think when someone causes a lot of emotional upheaval in a relationship the other person can end up losing attraction for that person. Now, being upset about friends dying is perfectly understandable so perhaps that wasn't really the issue. However if it is one thing after another that you are going on about and you are always a real downer, getting emotional and fighting, that could indeed cause him to lose attraction for you and just be hanging on in the hopes that it will get better. It sounds like you have a lot of growing to do on your own to come to terms with everything. If someone in a relationship is not emotionally healthy, it really impacts how the other person relates to them and feels about them.
    I agree completely...physical attraction can be greatly impacted (even destroyed) by conflict and emotional pain.

    222bird, I am not sure this one last go is good for either of you. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you are both unhappy and he is doing this because he does not want to hurt you by breaking things off and you are staying because you love him. But you both just sound so unhappy in this situation.

  10. #9
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    It is very sad that you are giving it another go with someone who has stated he clearly is not attracted to you. Given your personal issues in life that you can't avoid, this is one you CAN avoid. Why put yourself thru this? Or him? Sometimes we are not attracted to a person and it is no fault of either party. It is what it is.

  11. #10
    JadedStar's Avatar
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    Very emotional women can be a real turn off for men. You are who you are, but if you are always in a dramatic upheaval just know that will turn most men off. If you lack self control with your emotions my suggestion is to work on that. You will turn people off - male and even female friends - if you don't put it into check.

    Being upset about the friend dying is understandable but if you are always in a dramatic state and down in the dumps you will push people away.

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