Would you be annoyed by this?

okay... so my bf and me have been together now for most 2 1/2 years... and during this whole freakin time... he has stated he needs to be in his career and everything before we could get married and stuff...

so im like okay... im waiting on him to get into his career... and blah blah... no problem... im still trying to get into my career also... but its a waiting game for me, but i have taken all the steps to getting into my career now..

he is still waiting on his career ... no problem....

NOW!!!! he tells me he wants me to have a good job, live on my own, and be able to show him that i can take care of myself before we get married or so called move to the next step into our relationship....

i understand that i need all this also and prove that i am able to take care of myself and everything... but why the heck did he change his mind on this now??? what the heck!!!!! im so annoyed by this... cuz for the whole time we have been together hes alway talked about how he needs to be settled in his career and blah blah before he even thinks about marriage... and now its all on me??? arghhh im just venting... so bare with me....

Do reverse psychology. Leave & see if he holds you back.

Chances are: he is afraid to commit to you... & maybe to anyone else.

oh dear, sounds like he is having second thoughts and yes u do have a right to be annoyed.

I'd be annoyed, sounds like hes backing out AND trying to put off committing for as long as possible.

I agree. If this was a road you were travelling down, he'd be the one infront throwing obtacles in your way.

Ugh. I don't blame you for being upset!

i know theres nobody else and its not like he doesnt want to get married and stuff.. he says he does... but its like why you changed your mind now? i even talked to him about it before... i know people who are both in college and still get married anyways... because they know they want to be together... and im not even wanting to get married at this point i just want the ring!!! lol anyways... its just annoying i know that it will happen... but its like why is it all on me now? your the one who was talking all this stupid crap about your career and always thinking about what you want and not what we need and yeah... men are stupid sometimes i swear... it took him freakin almost going on 3 years that its not just about you??? its about both of us?? when ive been thinking about us the whole freakin time... idiot...

I don't think he is thinking about you. I think he likes TALKING about it but isnt so hot on the doing it part. Hes probably realisedhes not ready for that commitment so hes thought of a way to put it off.

I find that a little ridiculous. So he can't propose until you meet his standards or something? Either you meet his standards or you don't.

i'd be pissed off too, he sounds like a workoholic and just doesnt want to commit now.

completely agree with greywolf! Either he loves you and wants to marry you or he doesnt. Situations dont really matter with making a commitment. If you are short on money and want a huge wedding then you have a long engagement!

My ex boyfriend "talked the talk" about marriage, kids, commitement, a house, but when whenever it came to actually putting those words into actions it never happeened and excuses were made. And when he ran out of excuses for himself he moved it onto ME

A lot like your situation... See i was at uni, studying for my degree and wanting to go on to be a teacher, i was currently working as a nursery nurse. We were discussing moving out, we;d been together for 3 years. My ex clearly run out of excuses so he turned round and said :

"but i dont want to move out with a nursery nurse i want to move out with a teacher"

really annoyed and upset me. Like i am not good enough for you as a nursery nurse?! I knew then we were nearly through

Well, I can certainly see your frustration...but did you ask him why the change in heart? Why all this now?

My only thoughts are that he either is having doubts and needs you to do this to prove something [as I have been there with my boyfriend, and yes there are things he needs to prove to a certain extent before I will consider living with him and marrying him...] so maybe that has part in it..that you can provide for yourself, how you live outside of your arrangements now, etc.

Or he's just stalling.

Some people feel differently on this subject. I know I won't get a ring on my finger till we're both in our careers. He stands quite strong on achieving x,y and z before a ring appears, and I understand and respect that. Its about fulfilling our personal lives before we fulfill OUR lives together. I could have a ring on my finger, but I think its ridiculous when a wedding wouldn't be happening for another 3-4 years.

My GF and I have been together about as long as you have, and I wouldn't dream of getting married to her any time soon.

Marriage does some changes to a relationship, and in my experience not always for the better. My GF and I are very happy together so I see no reason the change anything, why not just be together and be happy about that? who cares if we ever get married.

My sister and her BF have been together for 15 years now. Everything works out great they have 2 kids, and they have never married. At one point they had some trouble since they had been together from a young age. My sister was 18 and her BF 21, and after about 8 years or so my sisters BF started to feel he needed to do certain things before he got too old to do them. To do them though, he felt he had to have more freedom then he had while being with my sister. So they agreed to pause thier relationship, and my sisters BF moved out for about a year. But they ended up back together again, and now thier relatioship is stronger then ever.

I am sure that had they been married, there wouldn't be a way to "pause" the relationship and it would have ended in divorce.

I dislike the idea of marriage, since it changes some people and you have no idea what they change into before it is too late. I see it as an unnessecary risk to a healthy relationship.

Also many people feel they need to be married because that is what society wants them to be. And thereforee they feel they just have to be married so that they can feel like a part of society.. And In my opinion that is just wrong.

Maybe your BF thinks this way too?

Just a little off subject but...

i don't think there is anything "ridiculous" about getting engaged and then not getting married for 3 or 4 years. Some people would need that amount of time to save up the money or some places and dates have very long waiting lists! The place I want to get married at and the combination of the church has about a 3 year long waiting list...so not ridiculous at all in my opinion!

I am pretty sure if your boyfriend proposed you would say yes if you loved him, regardless of waiting 3 or 4 years to save the money or wait for your perfect venue! I'm sure you wouldn't find that situation ridiculous.

Just a little off subject but...

 

i don't think there is anything "ridiculous" about getting engaged and then not getting married for 3 or 4 years. Some people would need that amount of time to save up the money or some places and dates have very long waiting lists! The place I want to get married at and the combination of the church has about a 3 year long waiting list...so not ridiculous at all in my opinion!

 

I am pretty sure if your boyfriend proposed you would say yes if you loved him, regardless of waiting 3 or 4 years to save the money or wait for your perfect venue! I'm sure you wouldn't find that situation ridiculous.

Well those are your thoughts, and thats fine.

We talk openly about marriage, and we both know when the time will come..we are more practical then 'magical' We want to both say "Ok, we're ready.." and the actual engagement will be a surprise, but it will be a mutual decision to be ready to move forward. So its not something 'if he proposed I'd say yes..' because tis something we discuss and talk about, so a random sudden proposal out of no where would not be occurring. And we both agree and feel the same way.

Its just I FEEL, that if no concrete plans are set, and you're not going to be active in going out, looking for churches and halls, etc..then I personally don't see the point. I will wait two years for my church, but I know when I do get the proposal its because we're in the frame of mind of marriage, and thats what we are in the process of working, planning, etc. Right now we're focused on finishing education, getting careers, moving in together...why bother with the ring if we're not at that stage yet.

..im not even wanting to get married at this point i just want the ring!!! ..... it took him freakin almost going on 3 years that its not just about you??? its about both of us?? when ive been thinking about us the whole freakin time... idiot...

Sorry, I can't chime in on the "he's an idiot" side of this.

WHY do you want the ring? Because you want a piece of expensive jewellery? Because you want to seal the deal? What's the rush? Engagements are easily broken. A ring is no promise of anything.

Do you want an engagement ring, or a "that'll shut her up for awhile" ring? Think about it..If it isn't given to you because HE wants to give it to you, then it's a meaningless piece of bling.

How is it that your desire to get engaged NOW is "thinking about us", whereas his desire to ensure you both are heading down the career path you want is "all about you"? Maybe he wants to be sure you are both on the right path, precisely because you are so focused on that ring:

You'll get the ring. You'll want the wedding

You'll get the wedding. You'll want the house

You'll get the house. You'll want the babies.

You'll get the babies. If he is the only one established in his career, it will be an easy decision to stay home & raise the little ones. THIS IS AN ADMIRABLE SACRIFICE, but be aware:

The kids will grow up & go to school

You'll be home alone. Bored. Feeling like you missed your chance to be who YOU wanted to be all those years ago.

You're friends who didn't have kids right away are all YEARS ahead of you because they chose to focus on their careers.

You NOW have to figure out what you are doing, where you are going. I know a few women in this position. A few have seen their marriages fail when hubby's career takes off and he starts to view her as 'the little wifey" instead of the intelligent, dynamic woman she is.

And you'll resent him. YOU sacrificed your career and future to raise the children and HE doesn't appreciate or respect you.

See where I am going? No it doesn't always happen this way (Thank God), but it happens more often when people are in a hurry to get married.

So ask yourself, WHY?

Getting engaged should be something you BOTH want. So the way I see it, you have 2 choices:

1) Be the best partner you can be while you wait for him to be ready. Use the time to build your foundations, for yourself, and for your relationship, or

2) Decide that you have different priorities about life and move on to someone who is ready for the things (engagement, marriage) that your current boyfriend obviously isn't

But I HIGHLY recommend you stop trying to badger him into an engagement. Because really, what does it mean, if he doesn't really mean it?

You have a right to feel the way you do.

But is he unsure of marriage? Or does he just want to wait?

As long as he is sure your the one for him, I see no big problem. I mean it's worth the wait right?

I know you want to get married and live together, etc, but 2.5 yrs together isn't that long to be rushing anything just yet. Just my opinion...

You have a right to feel the way you do.

 

But is he unsure of marriage? Or does he just want to wait?

As long as he is sure your the one for him, I see no big problem. I mean it's worth the wait right?

 

I know you want to get married and live together, etc, but 2.5 yrs together isn't that long to be rushing anything just yet. Just my opinion...

2.5 years to 3 years is already a good time to decide to take the relationship further. It is a lot of time now to getting to know someone.

Asti - you would still be going out looking at churches, booking venues etc because if you know there is a waiting list for somewhere, your going to go and sort it out - also I know what wedding car i want - and its hard to get, so as soon as im engaged i'll go and book it for 3 years in advance...you can still actively do things regardless of time...

myself and my boyfriend have been to a couple of wedding fairs and were not even engaged, but we talk about what we want etc, even though we know the wedding will be 3 years or so on from engagement.

Its just whatever works for the particular couple...but just because you get engaged and chose to wait 4 years doesnt mean it is ridiculous...

I don't think it's a case of he changed his mind, but that he was stalling and being less than honest before.

People who don't want to get married but are happy with the 'as is' state usually look for an excuse to stall with that the other person will buy... so he tells you he doesn't want to get married until he gets his career... which buys a few years. Then when he gets the career, he has to look for the next excuse to stall you for a few more years, and in this case, it is to 'prove' to him that you can go it on your own.

But the whole point is you want to get married, not go it on your own. You shouldn't have to prove anything to him, and if he feels this way, it most likely means he doesn't really wants to get married, but doesn't want to break up either.

So you have to decide how important marriage is to you. Honestly, if someone told me i had to 'prove' something like this, i'd just laugh at him and tell him he's got to be kidding, since you waited all those years for a goal that he had no intention of meeting.

So perhaps you need to find someone who will love you as is, not set up all these hurdles to prevent you getting serious and getting married.

Also, the 'taking care of yourself' part is a very clear message that he doesn't want to take care of you... he will be expecting you to keep working and not be a stay at home wife nor depend on him for anything. That may be the truest statement, that he doesn't want to take care of anyone else, and hence doesn't want the responsibility of marriage.

Playing devils advocate here, Maybe you give off the attitude of "I just want the ring" and he has picked up on that. To be bluntly honest, if I was with someone and they put off that vibe i'd be quick to change my mind as well. What is marriage going to change? Do you just want that title? If you're in love, whether you're married or just in a serious relationship not much is going to change except the title and things tend to get alittle more difficult once you're married (or so i've heard..)

Playing devils advocate here, Maybe you give off the attitude of "I just want the ring" and he has picked up on that. To be bluntly honest, if I was with someone and they put off that vibe i'd be quick to change my mind as well. What is marriage going to change? Do you just want that title? If you're in love, whether you're married or just in a serious relationship not much is going to change except the title and things tend to get alittle more difficult once you're married (or so i've heard..)

I think the reason that things become more difficult once you're married, is because people think that once they're married they can sit back and relax. They think they no longer have to work on the relationship, cuz you're already married. Then things start going downhill.

I think the reason that things become more difficult once you're married, is because people think that once they're married they can sit back and relax. They think they no longer have to work on the relationship, cuz you're already married. Then things start going downhill.

This is true.. Hell it's one of my biggest fears to be completely honest.

its not that i just want the ring.... i just want to know and feel that im not wasting my time on this relationship if its not going anywhere... i want the relationship to go to the next step thats all, its not like im getting any younger... and plus on top of it the reason for marriage is to have kids and stuff... to build a life together not just keep dating and have no real plans ... we both want kids, and i have to be married to have kids... religious believes... i wont have kids until im married... so getting a ring is the next step its just more of him showing hes commited to us and is ready for the next step... and i know the wedding wont be until a couple of years down the road... but its just nice to know that were moving on to the next step.

im tired of hearing his family and my family saying when are you gonna get married and blah blah... you know? thats all... i know hes not an idiot.... even tho he can be at times... but hey who isnt?

I thinik I want to marry the guy I met and I've only been on the first date with him. Any relationship requires work, compassion, empathy and a willingness to compromise.

You have to work on it but you work on it together. That is the difference and you put the us before the outside things.

Why guys are afraid of that I really don't understand unless they are not willing to put us before everything else and compromise and at least put your wife's feelings a bit before your own.

It's really not that hard of a thing to do for a person who will support you and have your back through life. Especially if you love them