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Thread: HELP...boyfriend is TOO sensitive!

  1. #1
    ziggie31
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    HELP...boyfriend is TOO sensitive!

    Alright, I feel like I'm in a bind here and I could really use some advice :\

    Basically, I really love my boyfriend. We have a lot of great times together and are incredibly compatible in so many ways.

    BUT...

    He's ridiculously sensitive! Now I have nothing at all wrong with sensitive guys, in fact that's one of the things I love about him, how he cares about me instead of just looking out for his own interests. But it's gone too far where it's at the point where it's a major hindrance.

    If I try to bring up even the most minor of problems in a discussion, he gets REALLY upset about it, and most of the time beats himself up over something that is not even his fault or that big of a deal.

    As my most recent example, today he asked when I wanted to come over to his house tomorrow. I suggested around lunchtime, 12 or 1-ish, and he asked if I could come over earlier since I have work to do tomorrow night and can't spend the whole evening with him. I said that was fine, but suggested that we don't have to spend the whole day together, because we do get to see each other a lot and in the future when we both get jobs and such we will have to get used to seeing each other considerably less.

    In response, he got really upset, blaming himself for being "too clingy" and repeatedly apologizing even though I kept telling him he didn't do anything wrong, I was just making a suggestion!

    This is so aggravating for me. And the worst part is, if I tell him how I feel right now, that I'm afraid we won't be able to communicate well if he takes everything as an attack, he'll just get upset about that too and beat himself up over it

    What should I do? I really want to save this relationship, but the way it's going, I'm afraid there will just be a lot of stress and unhappiness

  2. #2
    Raiden1044
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    Here's what I think is going on. I think that he is insecure of himself and probably doesn't feel like he deserves you, thus he feels like he needs to do every little thing that you say in order to make you want to stay with him. He doesn't understand that you don't and (no offense) shouldn't have everything you want given to you if it's humanly possible for him to do so.

    He also wants to spend all this time with you, not because he doesn't trust you, because he needs validation of his worthyness.

    How did I come up with this analyzation? Because I'm like him...except to a lesser extent thankfully. I never got upset because a girl couldn't hang out with me.

    Also, why he accused himself of being to clingy is because he knows he can get like that already and doesn't want to offend you by being clingy towards you.

    Solutions you ask? Well, it really has to come from within himself. If I'm right, then your part in this is just talking to him openly and honestly and TACTFULLY about your feelings. Tell him you were just suggesting and tell him that you're not "attacking him". But also get the idea through that you don't need to be put on a pedastool and that he needs to think about what he wants too. Because a relationship has to satisfy both sides.

    Those are my thoughts here.

  3. #3
    insecurefool
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    he needs to work on his self confidence. yikes, I don't know how to tell you to help him. maybe help him take up a hobby or something that can validate him besides every little thing you do/say

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    Silvery
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    oh dear, sign him up for boxing or martial art classes, seriously.

    Just kidding, i know how valuable a sensitive man can be, but in your case... yes its a little frustrating to have him blame everything onto himself. Its is very bad for communication because you'd stop discussing whatever you were trying to and twist the topic around to healing his upset feelings. How about you tell him that this kind of self-blaming is not healthy and your relationship will not grow unless he starts having more self-confidence and open minded? Not everything is his fault.

  5. #5
    ziggie31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raiden1044 [Register to see the link]
    Here's what I think is going on. I think that he is insecure of himself and probably doesn't feel like he deserves you, thus he feels like he needs to do every little thing that you say in order to make you want to stay with him. He doesn't understand that you don't and (no offense) shouldn't have everything you want given to you if it's humanly possible for him to do so.
    I think you are absolutely right...he is very insecure, he's told me before, and has low self-confidence, so he redirects everything towards himself. He says I've helped him gain a lot of confidence in himself, but once he starts feeling bad, he gets really down and thats where the problems come in.

    Just kidding, i know how valuable a sensitive man can be, but in your case... yes its a little frustrating to have him blame everything onto himself. Its is very bad for communication because you'd stop discussing whatever you were trying to and twist the topic around to healing his upset feelings. How about you tell him that this kind of self-blaming is not healthy and your relationship will not grow unless he starts having more self-confidence and open minded? Not everything is his fault.
    You hit the nail on the head! In fact, I just tried talking to him about all of this, trying to be as level-headed and inoffensive as possible, because I wanted to try and resolve things. Just as I feared, he got really upset and said things like I should dump him and find somebody better, even though that's the last thing I want! We talked for a long time and eventually the mood lifted and he said he would try to be more open with me and talk to me more. I'm just afraid that the same thing will keep happening despite all this.

  6. #6
    PsychGirly
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    I've been in a similar situation and I really understand how frustrating it could be.

    To be honest, I tried for months and months to make it work, but at the end it was too much to bare.

    Try to make him him understand that he doesn't need to try so hard. Show him you love him and tell him he takes things too seriously sometimes; but to be honest, people like this need to help themselves. You can't really change him. Chances are, it's not just his insecurity--it's his personality.

    Don't give up too much of your time and nerves to make it work. I know that you love him and you want to make it work, but don't sacrifice too much.

  7. 10-01-2008, 06:49 AM

  8. #7
    ziggie31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misskitty16 [Register to see the link]
    ...No offense, but that is kind of a bogus excuse for not wanting to spend the day together. You are just not that into him and he is sensing this big time. Consequently, his insecurities are rearing their ugly heads.
    I am very into him, trust me. That wasn't the entirety of my reasoning - we both have graduation projects to finish by Oct 27th, college applications to fill out, I have just moved and have boxes and boxes to unpack...there is a lot going on right now and I wanted to let him know that we are very lucky to get to spend so much time together, but when times like this come up when we are busy, we can't compromise the time that should be spent working on just hanging out all day long.

  9. #8
    Rose21

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    Hmm, I'm kind of like that myself.

    Except my boyfriend and I dont see eachother every day.

    He's going to college 5 hrs away. So usualy its one weekend a month and every day on the holidays. We have a week for Thanksgiving and pract a month for X-mas. The most we will ever go without seeing eachother will be 5.5 weeks, which we just did and I saw him this past weekend. But the rest of this semester it wont be more then 2.5 weeks=)

    Yeah, I can be very insecure and emotional at times and need to be comforted.

    But I do go out and hang out with friends. I hung out with my best friend (she's VERY busy and a workaholic) for the 1st time in 2 months yesterday. These past 2 weeks, I've only been working one shift. So like 5 hrs. So I've had more free time. But I just use it to study, get ahead on proj, talk to my boyfriend and hang with friends and read etc.

    I suggest he take up a hobby or go out more with friends, that really does help.

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