I'd just like to ask something.

I hope no one minds me enquiring.

Say for example, someones mother sometimes hits them, or pushes them downstairs, or calls them names, but always apologises afterwards, is this abuse? What if she acted like she was really sorry, and seemed almost surprised at her own actions, as though she really didn't mean to do it, would it class as abuse, or simply a mother being strict? And in this example, the mother doesn't treat siblings in this way, just this person. Yet the person knows their mother must love them, or she wouldn't tell them she was sorry.

I'd apreciate any replies. Thank you.

if i punch you in the face on purpose but am currently looking at my cat when it happens.. did i punch you in the face?

the little details dont skew the facts. i punched you in the face.

yes it is abuse.

I hope no one minds me enquiring.

 

Say for example, someones mother sometimes hits them, or pushes them downstairs, or calls them names, but always apologises afterwards, is this abuse? What if she acted like she was really sorry, and seemed almost surprised at her own actions, as though she really didn't mean to do it, would it class as abuse, or simply a mother being strict? And in this example, the mother doesn't treat siblings in this way, just this person. Yet the person knows their mother must love them, or she wouldn't tell them she was sorry.

 

I'd apreciate any replies. Thank you.

Have you been pushed down stairs?

Hmmm...push your mom down the stairs & ask her how she feels about it.

it is abuse, regardless of how you look at it. maybe if it happened once it wouldn't be as such, but for it to continue yes it is.

cuddles

Physical discipline is about making someone associate a shock with bad behaviour, without causing any physical damage or real pain.

Pushing someone down the stairs can end up as negligent homocide (manslaughter, 2nd degree murder). There is NO excuse.

Is this a morbid curiosity or non-hypothetical?

Yet the person knows their mother must love them, or she wouldn't tell them she was sorry.

Except that the more common reason to apologise after is to dodge blame or guilt, and make it seem as though she's not a bad person for committing abuse.

The fact is that an apology means nothing until it is backed up by change.

If I punch you in the nose, apologise, and repeat ad nauseum, how many times before you stop believing my apologies?

Yes, it's abuse, no question.

maybe you present the situation to the proper authorities and let them be the judge.

but as a matter of opinion if all of these things are occurring on a regular or even moderate basis, then it is abuse. there would be no reason to apologise if she did not think she was doing wrong.

Yes it is abuse. People can say they are sorry but words are cheap, actions say far more. If she was truly sorry she would never do it again and go and get herself some help. THAT is sorry, not some lame words. It is abuse and I would call Child's Services.

Thanks you guys for all your responses.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. A recent conversation with another Enotaloner made me think about situations such as these, and it's beginning to make me see a certain situation in a different light. Added to this, a certain event that happened today made me analyse things much more too, as to why things might happen the way they do, and whether they really should.

I guess it's right in saying that along with an apology, change should also take place. Yet without change, the fact of whether it is really an apology is questionable.

Perhaps if the person didn't blame their mum for what they were doing, how would they go about stopping the situation do you think? What if the mother feels she has justifiable reasons for her actions?

Thanks you guys for all your responses.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. A recent conversation with another Enotaloner made me think about situations such as these, and it's beginning to make me see a certain situation in a different light. Added to this, a certain event that happened today made me analyse things much more too, as to why things might happen the way they do, and whether they really should.

I guess it's right in saying that along with an apology, change should also take place. Yet without change, the fact of whether it is really an apology is questionable.

Perhaps if the person didn't blame their mum for what they were doing, how would they go about stopping the situation do you think? What if the mother feels she has justifiable reasons for her actions?

Well, you would need way more info than it seems like you are comfortable giving to properly answer that question I think.

Thanks you guys for all your responses.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. A recent conversation with another Enotaloner made me think about situations such as these, and it's beginning to make me see a certain situation in a different light. Added to this, a certain event that happened today made me analyse things much more too, as to why things might happen the way they do, and whether they really should.

I guess it's right in saying that along with an apology, change should also take place. Yet without change, the fact of whether it is really an apology is questionable.

Perhaps if the person didn't blame their mum for what they were doing, how would they go about stopping the situation do you think? What if the mother feels she has justifiable reasons for her actions?

There is ZERO justification for abuse NOT EVER. If the child is a minor child services should be notified. If an adult by laws of the area the person should call the police and file charges. Just because it is the person's mother it does NOT mean they should get away with that.

Perhaps the person involved doesn't really blame their mother, and wouldn't want to see police get involved for both personal saftey, and also for the sake of their mother. The person might not even be sure if it could be abuse. How would they be able to go about the situation do you think, with such uncertainties involved? Maybe there's some other way they could improve their situation?

Perhaps the person involved doesn't really blame their mother, and wouldn't want to see police get involved for both personal saftey, and also for the sake of their mother. The person might not even be sure if it could be abuse. How would they be able to go about the situation do you think, with such uncertainties involved? Maybe there's some other way they could improve their situation?

A counsellor with doctor-patient privilege... Though I'm not sure how easy that would be - mandatory reporing varies from place to place.

I can guarantee it is abuse.

Thanks you guys for all your responses.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. A recent conversation with another Enotaloner made me think about situations such as these, and it's beginning to make me see a certain situation in a different light. Added to this, a certain event that happened today made me analyse things much more too, as to why things might happen the way they do, and whether they really should.

I guess it's right in saying that along with an apology, change should also take place. Yet without change, the fact of whether it is really an apology is questionable.

Perhaps if the person didn't blame their mum for what they were doing, how would they go about stopping the situation do you think? What if the mother feels she has justifiable reasons for her actions?

Hi A World Away,

It IS abuse. If a childs mother ever hurts them, pushes them down the stairs, hits them, leaves marks on them - physical or emotional, shouts at them innapproapriately, is deliberately nasty to them, calls them names, tries to hurt them, makes them feel bad, or makes them think that a screwed relationship between mother and child is their own fault, it is always abuse.

What a lot of kids feel, an attitude i'm unfortunately becoming more and more familiar with as psychology placement delve further into my heart, is this "Abused mentalities."

First of all the mentality that the child has, that everything is perfectly normal.

Then the pain, the hurt, the anger, etc when they realise at about seven or eight usually that it is not normal, that other kids are not hit or burned or thrown down the stairs at home.

Then the denial that anything is wrong, the constant search for the positive.

then the self-blame "if only i was this much better, if only i didn't worry my mum, if only i didn't provoke my step dad, if only i hadn't been such a bad kid my dad wouldn't have left and my mum wouldn't be sad,.. its all my fault.

Then the older child mentality "its my fault my families dysfunctional, i deserve what i get, its my fault really."

Then the self-hate. "everything in the world is my fault, i don't deserve to be loved or to have happiness or kindness ever, i broke my family. i deserve pain - often this mentality leads to disastrous self-hate problems: eating disorders, self-harm, depression, alcoholism, etc...

Then the Denial again "nothing is wrong, it might be abuse with other people but it doesnt' count for me cuz i'm nothing compared to how enormously important other people are. I don't deserve help or time, it could be better used on others. "its not really her fault, i cause it all."

-Then the curiosity, sometimes spurred by a thought provoking comment by another... "Is this really wrong?" "Am i really not such a bad kid?" "Is Mother mentally ill or something?" "How can i stop this?"

The peace ammendment attempts? and the pain when they fail.

The betrayal feelings... loving the abuser, hating the abuse, and feeling so scared that the abuser will get into trouble...

Eventually leaving the home. And slow re-pieceal together of life...

I'm glad you're starting to question things, wanting to talk about then A World Away. ITs a very positive step in recovering your life.

About not letting their mistakes hurt you forever. Actually i know someone who never felt loved by their parents, and it still hurts today.

But the point is you can become happy, get a shiny future together. Create a loving family.

The way i see parenthood, it is honestly like your life is partly over. You are no longer the centre of it. You have to put the child first, always and thereforee shouldn't have kids until you are ready to do that. To love that child and make them feel like the most special person in the world. To put that child's needs, education and happiness before your job, friends or anything else you want to do in life. I'd love to have kids one day but i know at 21 i'm not ready!

My point is this A World Away. It is abuse. For anyone else, and for you too, it counts.

And if you are in her house, you are in her turf so to speak., It may be impossible to create a different relationship with long-term patterns of such dysfunction. You may need to get out.

You know there comes a point where a kid gets to about 11/12 and theyre becoming too big to hit, and often the kid thinks "i'm young, i'm the strong one now, they're old, i'm not going to cower anymore, next time that b*tch comes after me, i'll defend myself". But still, that next time, the kid cowers shaking as usual. Its a pattern they got into too young, being that frightened shaking scared little kid. Even into adulthood.

Its not healthy. You deserve to be loved. IT IS ABUSE.

I'm not condemning your mother. Abusers were often abused themselves as kids. They may love their kids but not know how to show it. they may have depression or some other mental illness. they may be sick. They may have problems. They may have post-natal depression that leaves a mother never really feeling a bond to one particular child, as thought that child is not hers, and then they resent that child.

Abusers were once little kids themselves. I know that. But they made the decision to have children and so in my books their kids come first.

Heres something that might help : This book

A Child Called It, Dave Pelzer.

David was horrifically abused by his alcoholic mother who played deadly games that left her son almost dead. His brothers were nurtured and loved and had the perfect family. But David was treated like an animal.

But David found the courage to speak out. He got out. He fought the cycle of abuse and became a loving father.

this book might help you...

good luck

girl friend

Thanks all for your input. It's helped me work things out a little more in my mind.

Perhaps the person involved doesn't really blame their mother, and wouldn't want to see police get involved for both personal saftey, and also for the sake of their mother. The person might not even be sure if it could be abuse. How would they be able to go about the situation do you think, with such uncertainties involved? Maybe there's some other way they could improve their situation?

I'd advise them to speak out at School. To make the decision to go in tomorrow, take a deep breath and tell.

School are not stupid,with reports and evidence such as that, the police will take the child into protective custody.

Or if the child is an adult, i'd advise getting a part time job to earn some money to rent a room and moving out.

Yea i agree its definitely abuse... If the said person doesnt want to take legal actions i, personally would demand the abusive mother go get some help because seriously if she does this bull on 'accident' then she really does need some help.

Remember actions speak louder then all the words in the world could.

i, personally would demand the abusive mother go get some help because seriously if she does this bull on 'accident' then she really does need some help.

But you're not the abused in this situation though.., neither am I.

I imagine the child in question would be afraid, and the mother in question would have strong mind control and great manipulative use of the fear factor... the child would not be able to just waltz up to them and demand things to change...not in a case with such long standing abuse...

Thank you, Girl friend, for writing that response. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write all that. I've read that book. It's absolutely heartbreaking. What if the person's mother perhaps has a mental health issue that she does not know about? Then would it still be classes as her fault? Maybe it would just be an issue to work through?

But you're not the abused in this situation though.., neither am I.

I imagine the child in question would be afraid, and the mother in question would have strong mind control and great manipulative use of the fear factor... the child would not be able to just waltz up to them and demand things to change...not in a case with such long standing abuse...

yea that is true... I guess its always easy to say i would do this or that when your on the outside.

Thank you, Girl friend, for writing that response. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write all that. I've read that book. It's absolutely heartbreaking. What if the person's mother perhaps has a mental health issue that she does not know about? Then would it still be classes as her fault? Maybe it would just be an issue to work through?

Well you've read the book too. Was that Little David's fault? If he had been a nicer 4year old? a brighter kid? a quieter baby? would it not have happened?!????

Does anyone read that book and blame little David?

Of course not.

Yes even if a parent had a problem such as depression it would still be their actions at the end of the day. They know they do it, she says sorry so she must.. and if she hasn't sought help to try and fix the relationship in all this time, i wouldn't class her as a 'fit' parent. I would want to take the child out of the abusive situation.

I don't believe she is sorry. If i hurt a friend and i say sorry, i would do anything in the world not to do that same mistake again. not repeat it over and over. thats not showing i love that friend is it?

Its about you now, not the parent.

You've had a large part of your life cheated and stolen and its going to be hard coming to terms with that.

Did she tell you what to believe?

Fight it. Question it all. Her perception is wrong.

make your own mind up about things. Be your own person.

Who are you? You need to find you own personal boundaries which have by the sounds of it been constantly violated by her, being pushed down the stairs for instance, it is an example of someone else abusing your body so you don't love it the same. I have seen your posts under self-injury hun.

The authorities will decide if she needs help, you are the priority here.

you said that book is absolutely heartbreaking. If i said that what you posted is exactly the same you'd disagree with me right?

You'd come out with some blurb about David being better than you, more important, more worthwhile right? and the stuff you go through is nothing?

Did she tell you to think that by any chance? So many of your thoughts and beliefs and perceptions are hers!

I'd advise them to speak out at School. To make the decision to go in tomorrow, take a deep breath and tell.

 

School are not stupid,with reports and evidence such as that, the police will take the child into protective custody.

 

Or if the child is an adult, i'd advise getting a part time job to earn some money to rent a room and moving out.

The person might be afraid of the consequences of speaking out. Nor might she want to leave her mother. For example, the rest of the family may not know about the situation and may see the mother as a lovely woman who would hurt nobody. For the person to then make allegations against that person, would that not ultimately leave them without a family? They'd surely turn against them.

The person might be afraid of the consequences of speaking out. Nor might she want to leave her mother. For example, the rest of the family may not know about the situation and may see the mother as a lovely woman who would hurt nobody. For the person to then make allegations against that person, would that not ultimately leave them without a family? They'd surely turn against them.

How does the rest of the family not know? Does she have injuries? Does it only happen when she is alone with the mother?

Don't the family have any idea at all how she gets those injuries?

She wouldn't have to leave the mother permanently.. but to get some air,.. an outsides perception,can really help things..

I suppose yes it would be hard. the family would split up and there would be resent and fallings out initially. but the family would stick by the child, and be ashamed and want to fix the abuse i think.

Yea i agree its definitely abuse... If the said person doesnt want to take legal actions i, personally would demand the abusive mother go get some help because seriously if she does this bull on 'accident' then she really does need some help.

 

Remember actions speak louder then all the words in the world could.

How could someone get help for their mother if perhaps the mother doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her? Perhaps it would further anger her to think her child thought she needed help.