I hate life so much. I'm just a complete wreck of a human being. My future is completely hopeless. If I lose my current job, I will have nothing. My job is my whole life. There is nothing else in my life. I have no social life. Very few friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in six years. I haven't had sexual activity of any kind (with another person) in four years. I have absurdly terrible luck with the opposite sex. This past week I went to a strip club twice just to be around girls. It's pretty bad when you need strippers to provide you with female companionship. That's pretty near rock bottom, I'd say.
My home life is pretty terrible. I have a dismal relationship with my parents. I go to church despite the fact that I have no specific religious beliefs (My parents are very religious). I live with my parents, which sucks, but I'm afraid to move out. I'll probably live with them until I'm 40. If I don't OD on booze and painkillers first.
I have two small nieces and they stress the living **** out of me. I feel awful because whenever they are around, I want them to go away. I love them, but dear god they make me want to cut my own throat sometimes. That's how it is with my whole family. I love them, I just don't want to be around them. At all. And I hate that I feel that way.
One of my best friends has completely abandoned me and barely speaks to me. I fell in love with her, and my heart was horribly broken when she got married a couple of years ago. Our relationship has not been the same since. That's a long story though.
I'm very lonely. On one hand, I'm afraid of having a serious relationships almost to the point of phobia. On the other hand, I'm starved for companionship. What a catch-22. I feel so alone all the time. Alone and sad. I'm so used to being sad that happiness is almost painful on the rare occasions that I feel happy.
I fantasize about committing suicide and wish that I had the gall to actually pull it off. I know that I couldn't, and that's even more depressing. I'm stuck here. There's no way out. It would be so much easier if I could just blow my brains out. I wish that I could just die of natural causes. That's one reason I don't take care of myself very well. I don't eat right, I don't exercise. I'm hoping that I'll have a heart attack one of these days.
My life is just one big depressing wasteland where sorrow and despair bloom like flowers. It's a long, lonesome road that I must travel alone. Enough waxing poetic.... I really envy people who kill themselves. I wish I could do it. Is it really better to continue living unhappily than to end it all? I don't understand.
That's all. If anyone reads this, I'm sorry for wasting your time with my pathetic self-loathing nonsense.