I cry myself to sleep every night and try to keep myself from wanting to die

On the surface I probably just seem like a normal, twenty year-old college student. I'm a total party animal and have a huge slew of friends. I never have to be alone if I don't want to be. But I'm so depressed I can't breathe sometimes, and it's a secret I hide from everyone.

I feel like there's no purpose to life. I've been hurt so many times by so many people I've trusted and loved that I feel like anyone I meet now is just going to hurt me. I look around outside my own little world and all I see are people being mean to each other, killing each other, hurting others. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. I have no faith in humanity.

My parents have been verbally and emotionally abusive to me my whole life, mostly because they can't work through their own * * * * . My dad has also physically abused me on occasion. I was a victim of extreme bullying as a little kid, both from teachers and students. The bullying was so severe it set me back emotionally for years, and I'm still working through it to this day. I can't remember a tim during my childhood when I was happy.

Growing up, I never felt loved nor deserved of love. The only person who ever told me she loved me was my mother, but the other half of the time she was telling me I was a failure, that she hated me, that I caused many of the problems in her life, etc.

Then in high school I met this boy. We dated seriously for three years and I had never felt happier. For the first time in my life I felt like I was deserving of love. I no longer felt ugly or undesirable. To feel unloved and ugly for so long, and then to feel like you finally found it, well, it's quite a relief. Not to mention I was head over heels in love with him.

We broke up when we went our separate ways to college. One day during freshman year I get a phone call from him. He's gay. All that happiness I felt before came tumbling down. It was all back to square one.

We've kept a very strained friendship since, but I become paralyzed with depression whenever I think about him. I've never been a homophobe, but when I find out about him dating and sleeping with other men, I'm repulsed and every horrible gay slur in the book goes rushing through my head.

About a week ago I had come home from a party where I mixed coke with alcohol. I was so depressed and angry that I wrote him a hateful e-mail over everything he's done to me. I regret that now but he hasn't wanted to talk to me--rightfully so, I guess.

I party all the time and screw around with guys just to forget everything. But at night when it's just me and my thoughts I become so overwhelmed with depression I curl up into the fetal position and sob while my roommate sleeps in the next bed over, completely oblivious. No one knows about this and I'm sure if I were to kill myself it would just bowl everyone over. The only thing that keeps me from offing myself is my fear of what's beyond and my fear of hurting everyone I love, despite how much they've hurt me.

I just don't see the point in living.

You are in school right? Your school will have counselors on site that you can see. Please please go for counseling before you do anything drastic.

I know how you feel, in my early 20's I put on a very cheerful facade and no one was the wiser to the fact that I was dying inside. I coped in very similar ways with alcohol and sex. It didn't fill the void at all. You are not alone in your hurt, and please know that there is light at the end of all this darkness.

Don't give up, reach out and get the help necessary to move past this.

I am sorry to hear about your ex, that news would be very hard to deal with but know that his choice (can't think of a better word, i don't think homosexuality is a choice just to be clear) has no bearing on who you are as a person. He is living his truth and although it might hurt you I am sure somewhere deep inside you want for him to be happy, focus and find that part when you think of him. Be graceful with him and forgive him for hurting you because that kind of anger is only hurting you.

I know the pain feels insurmountable right now but tomorrow is always a new day with opportunities to move forward, to grow and change.

If you need anything, someone to talk to, to swear at or anything feel free to PM me.

Please try to see your school counselor asap.

blessings

hello harper,

I too experienced similar feelings for about 2 years and resorted to the downward spiraling of partying and uncontrollable behavior to deal with it. I can tell you for sure it doesn't help...those party settings with all the people only makes you feel that much more alone. i was lucky and evenutally met a friend who became my boyfriend who really helped pull me out of it. what you need to do is pull yourself away from this scene and focus on the positive things you have going in life. focus on working hard in school, your passions, anything that's less destructive really. focus on hanging out more with a handful of friends rather than the party crowd. i know it's hard, because the party scene seems like such a good distraction, but really alcohol is a downer...so when you go home after the fun, or the next day waking up, you are left with the down effects, and it makes your depression all that more consuming. it imbalances your body and makes it that much more difficult to deal with the problems. don't be afraid to reach out for help...you are not alone, and it is too hard to deal with all of this on your own...if you have a friend or family member you can confide in, please do. often times, people just aren't completely aware of what others are going through.

and about your ex-boyfriend who admitted he was gay, i understand how hurtful that is, because it makes you question your whole relationship, it's understandable that you're hurting...but just because he has discovered this now, does not mean he didn't love you while you were together...you will still always be eachother's highschool loves, and it was such a growing point for both of you...what you gave eachother from the relationship was so important, and it doesn't have to be lost just because he has realized that he is gay. the adolescent years are trying, and it's awesome that you guys were there for eachother for part of it. i think you can work it out and still be friends...

i wish you the best girl, just know that you are not alone in how you're feeling and what you are going through...this is a time of self discovery and it can be hard. there is lots of light and love to be found on your path though. keep pushing through and you will overcome the issues of the past that you feel bound by right now. we can't change our pasts, but we can try to shape our futures.

much love to you! keep posting on here.

-melly

I see so much similarity here that I have to post. I'm going to get a little bit into my personal life here and just trust you guys to be ok with it.

I, like you, have a general distrust and lack of faith in humanity. Anytime I meet someone new I have an eyebrows raised sort of approach. Is this someone I can trust? I have not been physically abused like you have, but I can relate to the emotional and verbal part of it. I come from a wealthy family where everyone succeeded, everyone dated beautiful women/men and married young with money, everyone was top 3 in their class, and here I am...just plain old Tyler trying to get through college and live up to everything I'm supposed to.

I dressed nerdy when I was younger, I was a goody-goody and smart so I was bullied by pretty much everyone. Girls constantly ridiculed my physical appearance and I still have a hard time viewing myself as desirable, attractive, or dateable.

In my senior year I met my first serious gf. I lost all my firsts to her and I believed (and I think I was) at that time in love with her. Then she moved away for college and things fell apart. I was crushed.

You turned to coke, booze, and partying...I chose weed, starvation/insomnia/and at times self-injury, and became totally withdrawn from everyone. I couldn't party or sleep around because I hated myself, I hated my body, and I believed everyone hated me too.

I used to stay awake at night and look at the ceiling and ask myself "Is this it? Is this all life has for me? A little academic success and pure hell and loneliness outside of it?" I bought a shotgun at a gun show, drove to my apartment, locked my dorm door and loaded the shells into the gun. I sat in the corner of the room for a good 30 minutes just staring at the gun, trying to see that light at the end of the tunnel, trying to tell myself this was temporary and that it'd pass. In the end I couldn't kill myself. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

Even though I hated my situation and saw no way out, I was pissed off about where I was in life. It wasn't fair. I wasn't going to let anyone dictate how I wanted to live my life. If I didn't want to be a three-piece suit type, I wasn't going to. If I didn't want to get married, I wasn't going to. If I wasn't going to be valedictorian, I didn't care. If women don't think I'm hot, too bad. I'm gonna freaking ask you out anyways and you're just going to have to say no, because I'm not going to sit here and take my own life and punish myself just because a bunch of crappy people made my life suck for a long time.

Don't let anything or anyone dictate your life to you. Don't let anyone take that power away. Your parents abuse you? Screw them. You're better than that. You deserve better than that.

Get pissed off and give yourself a shot at living. I won't lie and tell you it's not a struggle. I won't tell you that you're going to feel better immediately or soon. I still struggle with all these feelings, but the difference is now I think I deserve better.

You deserve better. Trust me.

hi,

i too was bullied a lot when i was younger - by peers and teachers. i know exactly how that feels....when the teachers side with the popular kids because they want to seem "cool" and they know what's happening to you but as adults, they aren't fair and don't stick up for you. it hurts......took me a long time to even start picking up the pieces and putting them together.

See a doctor and talk to him about depression its serious business

hi,

i too was bullied a lot when i was younger - by peers and teachers. i know exactly how that feels....when the teachers side with the popular kids because they want to seem "cool" and they know what's happening to you but as adults, they aren't fair and don't stick up for you. it hurts......took me a long time to even start picking up the pieces and putting them together.

I know. I don't think people realize how much bullying can affect a child's psyche. I used to hide in the bathroom and cry every day during elementary school. I was completely withdrawn during middle school, a total mute. High school is where I started pulling myself together, but this bombshell from my ex who I loved so much...it's too hard to handle.