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Boyfriend talking to his ex behind my back


thegirl_00

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My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He has been a great boyfriend so far, but I found out something last night that made me think maybe he isn't as wonderful as I thought

 

Awhile ago his ex had contacted him, and he told me about it, and he said she would never contact him again. His ex told him that she said she was sorry for calling him and that it was a silly thing to do when she knows he is dating me. I was thankful that she sent him that message.

 

I recently found out that they have still been talking. After that conversation with her, he later told her that it wasn't a big deal if they kept talking, with that being said she continued to call him. And he kept this all a secret from me. He has been hiding the fact that he talks to is ex for about 4 months now and it is really upsetting me. I know that she could care less if they are friends or not, because she is dating a wonderful man, but its clear to me that my boyfriend feels a need to stay on contact with her.

 

I sent his ex a very nice email saying that i was confused as to why my boyfriend was hiding their conversations from me. I told my boyfriend about this, and he became VERY worried. I know he is worried because he knows his ex is going to be VERY upset that he has been lying to me (his ex is against lying and has no idea he has been hiding their conversations from me).

 

I have looked through my boyfriends phone, and saw the calls from her... they are very few (about two a month), and i know they are mostly concerning her car because she bought it off of my boyfriend.

 

I'm not too sure if I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I think he might need some time to think things through. Not too sure where to go from here... if I should let it slide or give myself, and my boyfriend some space.

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I agree, it doesn't sound like something you should be super worried about unless you have other reasons to think he still has feelings for her.

 

And did you e-mail the ex before you even talked to your boyfriend about it? I don't think you should involve her any more than is absolutely necessary, this is really an issue between you and your boyfriend and she shouldn't be put in the middle--especially since she thought he had your okay to keep talking to her.

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You should have talked to your boyfriend before contacting his ex.

I hope that from now on you can talk to him about your concerns and stop snooping. He is treating you well and he did tell you that she contacted him initially.

If there is no trust in the relationship, than it is doomed.

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My ex dumped me for something very similar. I guess I'd just say that she truly had nothing to worry about, but it's hard to convince someone of that. I didn't hide anything from her until she starting making a huge deal out of it. My ex was always respectful of my new relationship though, and we rarely spoke to each other. I just wasn't prepared to tell her, "Sorry, don't ever contact me" when it was coming as an ultimatum from a woman I hadn't known for longer then 9 months.

 

In any case, I don't think anyone was to blame, and there was no fault. I suggest that you do what we didn't do. If he really wants her in his life then she has to be just as much in your life. This means dinner invitations, double dates, etc. This friendship requires transparency and integration.

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My boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex's- mainly one though. He was honest with me about it from the start of our relationship. I guess that's why i'm totally fine with it. He has nothing to hide. They text and IM each other a couple times a month and I'm completely fine with it. She's engaged to be married aswell though so I guess thats another reason why i don't worry about it. I've never met the girl as to she doesn't live in the same town as me and my boyfriend are from. I suspect he will be attending her wedding and wedding social. With me or not i'm not sure, i am kind of curious to meet this girl though and find out what she's like.

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THE BIG DEAL in my humble opinion is that he felt the need to keep this hidden for four months. If he said he was not going to talk to her then add lying to the secrecy.

 

I'd be upset about it because of the lie and the keeping it hidden. If these convos were so innocent he has just succeeded in causing his g/f to be paranoid with him in the future and over a stupid reason. You can't tell a lie, ANY lie no matter if it is small or you feel it worthwhile, to the person you date and expect to keep their trust.

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THE BIG DEAL in my humble opinion is that he felt the need to keep this hidden for four months. If he said he was not going to talk to her then add lying to the secrecy.

 

I'd be upset about it because of the lie and the keeping it hidden. If these convos were so innocent he has just succeeded in causing his g/f to be paranoid with him in the future and over a stupid reason. You can't tell a lie, ANY lie no matter if it is small or you feel it worthwhile, to the person you date and expect to keep their trust.

 

But did he really lie?

He said that he would not contact her. If the ex called him with minor questions and he did not think of bringing it up, then it is innocent.

If he intentionally neglected to tell his girlfriend about it, then he may have ulterior motives. We do not know what his motives are, but I do not think she should assume automatically that something negative is going on.

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But did he really lie?

He said that he would not contact her. If the ex called him with minor questions and he did not think of bringing it up, then it is innocent.

If he intentionally neglected to tell his girlfriend about it, then he may have ulterior motives. We do not know what his motives are, but I do not think she should assume automatically that something negative is going on.

 

It's also a good idea to point out that if your girlfriend has an irrational jealousy, and is just a jealous person in general, then you know, as a man, that not bringing up an innocuous phone call from an ex is going to potentially save you a night or even a week's worth of arguments and grief.

 

It's not always that there's something to hide. Sometimes, it's just about holding onto your sanity.

 

I had a girlfriend whose previous boyfriend left her for his ex. So, not surprisingly, any kind of contact whatsoever from my ex sent her off the deep end. If my ex called my phone, I wouldn't answer. When she asked who it was, I'd tell her. Eventually, after a few sporadic phonecalls, and few worried conversations, I just turned my phone off. Then she said, "I see what's going on here. You're turning your phone off because you have something to hide. I've seen all this before." So next time she called I answered the phone, and had a conversation with her in front of my girlfriend. Apparently, that didn't work either.

 

The thing is, the ex only called maybe half a dozen times over the course of 6 months, we didn't hang out, and I didn't even have a funtional friendship with her. So is it really surprising that I wouldn't want to say, "Hey, guess what honey? My ex called today!"

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I agree with this. Sometimes being suspicious will drive someone away or even make them keep things from you if they know that a fight might occur.

It could all be innocent.

We cannot control what our exes do. Even if we tell them not to contact us, they may choose to call or write.

We cannot control our significant others either. We can only communicate how we feel and hope for the best.

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Found this old post, which says alot -

 

Posts: 12 my own humble opinion.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been in your situation, and there's a saying that might very well apply here. While I don't remember the exact quote, it's something along the lines of "love might come from friendship, but friendship from love, never." This is to say that our ex's are usually ex's for a good reason. While we might maintain some form of connection with them, we cannot allow them to come between our current romantic relationships, and if we do, there are ulterior motives at play.

 

If you've tried talking to the guy, and he doesn't care enough to keep you out of the distressing situation you're in, you might want to consider simply walking way. You'll respect yourself much more for it later, when you've found someone who cares enough to give you some security

 

I think there are several things to take into consideration here.

 

If he has never given you a reason to not trust him with his ex, and if she has never interfered in your relationship, contacted you, or tried to break you up in any way, then I would say there is no threat, and, as she is clearly happy with someone else, it does seem a shame that he chose to hide this from you.

 

But, its a shame you did feel the need to make first contact with her, without consulting your boyfriend first. It would have been better to speak to him initially about your concerns. If you felt that his reasons were lame, or if he really didnt try very hard to allay your fears over this friendship, by just stepping back a bit if necessary, then there could be a case that he wasnt respecting your feelings at all, as your partner of today.

 

As someone else suggested, if she really doesnt have any problem, then he could very well initiate you into his friendship with her and her new man. If they are really just friends, and neither one has any feelings for the other, then, this shouldnt be a problem to either of them.

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But did he really lie?

He said that he would not contact her. If the ex called him with minor questions and he did not think of bringing it up, then it is innocent.

If he intentionally neglected to tell his girlfriend about it, then he may have ulterior motives. We do not know what his motives are, but I do not think she should assume automatically that something negative is going on.

 

Not sure about you, but if a guy i am with says he will not contact someone and he KNOWS i have an issue iwth it for wahtever reason, and he plays the semantics game of "but ahh she called me i dind't call her" i'm going to tell him to bite me. Thing is i am NOT irrational with jealousy at all, and if my SO says he is not contacting an ex, and he communicates with her for months and uses the excuse of "she contacted him" its baloney. I do not trust my SO's ex at all for instance, she has a really bad reputation. If he chats with her after we had a really adult conversation about him copying me if she ever emailed him and he wouldn't talk to her then you can bet yes, i'll be angry. Why decide something togteher if you aren't going to keep your end of the bargain? If he talks to her and tells me about it, and gives the reasons why he felt it necessary, then I wouldn't likely lose the trust in him. If he hides it for months, my trust is going out the door.

 

This isn't about controlling an SO. This is about expecting them to live up to agreements they made and not to lie. If I have made an agreement with my SO, and i go behind his back and do it anyway, regardless of the reason, I am breaching the trust he has in me.

 

The part about the guy lying if his SO is extremely jealous - there is only a lmited amount of passing this off that one can give. If you are iwth a person so irrational that you have to lie behind their back to keep the peace, and you CHOOSE to stay in that relationship, does this really condone the lying? No it doesn't. If you find yourself having to lie to keep the peace get out of the relationship. Once you start giving people free hall passes for lying they will find many reasons to do it in the future.

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Oh boy do I know about this. But this went on for two years (and counting). You just have to assume they will always be friends and decide whether or not this is a problem for you.

 

He's just hiding it so he isn't confronted. Men FEAR confrontation by their girlfriends or wives. They'll do anything to avoid it.

 

I was very open and just said- I found out you still talk to her. Are you guys friends? Just let me know so I'm in the loop.

 

Well- they're never going to admit it if they're afraid to talk about it.

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My boyfriend IS the type who will hide things to avoid conflict, but I told him originally that if she contacted him again to let me know, but he never did that. Even when I asked him if she had contacted him, he swore to me he hadnt.

 

I discussed contacting his ex before i did it. and he told me that was ok to do. She never responded to me, but she contacted my boyfriend and was extremely upset that he lied to her, and me. She was under the understanding that each conversation was approved by me, and mentioned to me. She didn't know it was a secret until she read my email.

 

So to say the least, i know for a fact they wont be talking anymore. She never cared to begin with, only because she bought a car off him and it has been having some problems.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice. My boyfriend is a very good man, and those are hard to find. I don't think he really thought this one over, but he is feeling extremely bad for being so careless right now.

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I need to put in my 2 cents here. My bf and I went through this type of thing just as you and your bf are, really early in our relationship. So, as you know, it was scary to think that the person I was falling for may not be the person I thought he was. That being said, it took a lot of soul searching and a lot of conversations (mostly with my male friends) to decipher what was going on under all the drama. I agree with what a male poster said earlier, that a guy may lie to avoid an unnecessary conflict. And, although I don't condone lying, I am that girl who will FLIP OUT and become insecure and jealous over something miniscule. Some people may say that I am making excuses for men or for my bf but honestly, this is what I found to be true in the end. It especially helped that I looked inside myself and saw that when MY ex called every now and then I wouldn't jump at the chance to tell my bf. There's no need to create tension or insecurity for nothing. My bf definitely had to work through this issue and 2.5 years later we are much stronger for it and as weird as it sounds it helped that we had to go through that because we fixed some communication errors and we built our trust in one another even more.

 

I can honestly say that I haven't looked in his phone in over 8 months which is HUGE FOR ME!! I know what it's like but with something like love you have to jump in, keep your head above water but by all means enjoy the swim = )

 

Good Luck with everything!!

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I'm with JS on this one.

 

All of these things people will say when they are caught in a lie...just sounds like excuses upon excuses. If a person is with someone irrational and overly jealous, they should leave that person, not lie to them. But it's not in any way irrational or wrong for a person in a relationship to expect honesty about this type of stuff and to be upset if the other is not honest.

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