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Thread: Boyfriend talking to his ex behind my back

  1. #1
    thegirl_00
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    Boyfriend talking to his ex behind my back

    My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He has been a great boyfriend so far, but I found out something last night that made me think maybe he isn't as wonderful as I thought

    Awhile ago his ex had contacted him, and he told me about it, and he said she would never contact him again. His ex told him that she said she was sorry for calling him and that it was a silly thing to do when she knows he is dating me. I was thankful that she sent him that message.

    I recently found out that they have still been talking. After that conversation with her, he later told her that it wasn't a big deal if they kept talking, with that being said she continued to call him. And he kept this all a secret from me. He has been hiding the fact that he talks to is ex for about 4 months now and it is really upsetting me. I know that she could care less if they are friends or not, because she is dating a wonderful man, but its clear to me that my boyfriend feels a need to stay on contact with her.

    I sent his ex a very nice email saying that i was confused as to why my boyfriend was hiding their conversations from me. I told my boyfriend about this, and he became VERY worried. I know he is worried because he knows his ex is going to be VERY upset that he has been lying to me (his ex is against lying and has no idea he has been hiding their conversations from me).

    I have looked through my boyfriends phone, and saw the calls from her... they are very few (about two a month), and i know they are mostly concerning her car because she bought it off of my boyfriend.

    I'm not too sure if I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I think he might need some time to think things through. Not too sure where to go from here... if I should let it slide or give myself, and my boyfriend some space.

  2. #2
    HealingHandsWarmHeart
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    It is very likely that the conversations have been about the car and your boyfriend felt that if you found out about their conversations you would be upset- like you are now.

    so maybe he felt it best to not tell you since it would upset you and he saw it as no big deal.

  3. #3
    bronte
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    I agree, it doesn't sound like something you should be super worried about unless you have other reasons to think he still has feelings for her.

    And did you e-mail the ex before you even talked to your boyfriend about it? I don't think you should involve her any more than is absolutely necessary, this is really an issue between you and your boyfriend and she shouldn't be put in the middle--especially since she thought he had your okay to keep talking to her.

  4. #4
    ycmanvs
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    You should have talked to your boyfriend before contacting his ex.
    I hope that from now on you can talk to him about your concerns and stop snooping. He is treating you well and he did tell you that she contacted him initially.
    If there is no trust in the relationship, than it is doomed.

  5. #5
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    I agree with the others...you should not have talked to the ex you should have talked to your boyfriend. If it is just about the car then what is the big deal.

  6. #6
    jettison

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    My ex dumped me for something very similar. I guess I'd just say that she truly had nothing to worry about, but it's hard to convince someone of that. I didn't hide anything from her until she starting making a huge deal out of it. My ex was always respectful of my new relationship though, and we rarely spoke to each other. I just wasn't prepared to tell her, "Sorry, don't ever contact me" when it was coming as an ultimatum from a woman I hadn't known for longer then 9 months.

    In any case, I don't think anyone was to blame, and there was no fault. I suggest that you do what we didn't do. If he really wants her in his life then she has to be just as much in your life. This means dinner invitations, double dates, etc. This friendship requires transparency and integration.

  7. #7
    miss_chris
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    My boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex's- mainly one though. He was honest with me about it from the start of our relationship. I guess that's why i'm totally fine with it. He has nothing to hide. They text and IM each other a couple times a month and I'm completely fine with it. She's engaged to be married aswell though so I guess thats another reason why i don't worry about it. I've never met the girl as to she doesn't live in the same town as me and my boyfriend are from. I suspect he will be attending her wedding and wedding social. With me or not i'm not sure, i am kind of curious to meet this girl though and find out what she's like.

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    JadedStar
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    THE BIG DEAL in my humble opinion is that he felt the need to keep this hidden for four months. If he said he was not going to talk to her then add lying to the secrecy.

    I'd be upset about it because of the lie and the keeping it hidden. If these convos were so innocent he has just succeeded in causing his g/f to be paranoid with him in the future and over a stupid reason. You can't tell a lie, ANY lie no matter if it is small or you feel it worthwhile, to the person you date and expect to keep their trust.

  9. #9
    ycmanvs
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    Quote Originally Posted by JadedStar [Register to see the link]
    THE BIG DEAL in my humble opinion is that he felt the need to keep this hidden for four months. If he said he was not going to talk to her then add lying to the secrecy.

    I'd be upset about it because of the lie and the keeping it hidden. If these convos were so innocent he has just succeeded in causing his g/f to be paranoid with him in the future and over a stupid reason. You can't tell a lie, ANY lie no matter if it is small or you feel it worthwhile, to the person you date and expect to keep their trust.
    But did he really lie?
    He said that he would not contact her. If the ex called him with minor questions and he did not think of bringing it up, then it is innocent.
    If he intentionally neglected to tell his girlfriend about it, then he may have ulterior motives. We do not know what his motives are, but I do not think she should assume automatically that something negative is going on.

  10. #10
    jettison

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    Quote Originally Posted by ycmanvs [Register to see the link]
    But did he really lie?
    He said that he would not contact her. If the ex called him with minor questions and he did not think of bringing it up, then it is innocent.
    If he intentionally neglected to tell his girlfriend about it, then he may have ulterior motives. We do not know what his motives are, but I do not think she should assume automatically that something negative is going on.
    It's also a good idea to point out that if your girlfriend has an irrational jealousy, and is just a jealous person in general, then you know, as a man, that not bringing up an innocuous phone call from an ex is going to potentially save you a night or even a week's worth of arguments and grief.

    It's not always that there's something to hide. Sometimes, it's just about holding onto your sanity.

    I had a girlfriend whose previous boyfriend left her for his ex. So, not surprisingly, any kind of contact whatsoever from my ex sent her off the deep end. If my ex called my phone, I wouldn't answer. When she asked who it was, I'd tell her. Eventually, after a few sporadic phonecalls, and few worried conversations, I just turned my phone off. Then she said, "I see what's going on here. You're turning your phone off because you have something to hide. I've seen all this before." So next time she called I answered the phone, and had a conversation with her in front of my girlfriend. Apparently, that didn't work either.

    The thing is, the ex only called maybe half a dozen times over the course of 6 months, we didn't hang out, and I didn't even have a funtional friendship with her. So is it really surprising that I wouldn't want to say, "Hey, guess what honey? My ex called today!"

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