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Dealing with people who always have to be right...how do you do it?


Seymore

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I mean for this to apply to not just bf/gf relationships, but relationships with people as a whole.

 

My girlfriend has this thing about having the last word in an argument. She just about always has to be right, on top of that. This morning I’m driving to work and she’s driving to her new job. Since I was born & raised in this city I know my way around. She calls me to ask what the best way is to get to where she’s going from where she is.

 

There’s this circle that breaks off into 5 streets. You enter it and drive counter-clockwise in a circle, like in that national lampoon movie. Anyway, she’s approaching and asks what exit is X street? I say the second exitfrom when she enters the circle. She gets through and says “No, it was the first”. I tell her that the first street will take her to Y street and that X street is the SECOND exit. She says “Well the sign says X street” and acts like I have no idea what I’m talking about, and I tell her again that X street is the second, not the first again. She says “Fine, I guess they put the sign on the wrong street”. I check my map and sure enough, it was the second exit, not the first like she said. I didn’t point it out, I just let it be.

 

How do I argue with someone like this when I know for a fact I’m right? Just leave it? Were I to continue and say that my map said I was right, I know she’d get angry. Were I to say "Well, maybe you just didn't see the first exit", she'd get angry and think I was telling her she didn't know what she was talking about.

 

This is an example of an argument that I wish to know how to handle without feeling like I’m the idiot. It’s not just with her, but with other people - people I work with or deal with on whatever basis. How do you deal with these people? Do you swallow your pride and say “Whatever” or do you fight it out?

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My encounters with that persona lead me to believe that there is an underlying dominant personality or insecurity.

 

It seems the more incorrect they are proved to be, the more upset and commanding they become with you.

 

As far as dealing with it, I generally don't foster relationships with people of that nature. If it is a forced business relationship limit the amount of contact.

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My ex husband was that way. It's an insecurity that is really really annoying. He was a pretty smart guy, but NO ONE knows everything. I have no problem being wrong, but I typically want to know what the right answer is. So if I felt the answer he gave me didn't jive I would consult the "oracle" & look it up on the internet. That really used to make him mad. There is nothing you can do most of the time. Even when proven wrong, they will just pout about it.

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Huh... usually I would just back down and say "Well, I certainly thought it was the second exit but I could be wrong" and leave it at that. But I would seriously think about addressing this with her because I can't imagine being in a relationship where you have to back down 100% of the time because of their need to be right. My Xwife was similar to that...

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And I WANT to be able to just brush it off.

 

A couple of weeks ago my gf was asking which post office was closer, X or Y. I said that I believed X was. So she looks it up on her phone and turns out I was wrong. She says "No, Y is closer". If I would've done the same thing back this morning it would've been a fight. I almost WANT to bring it up later and show her the map saying I was right about the circle the way she did to me with the post office to show her that it doesn't feel good, but I don't want a fight.

 

Is there any trick people use to just forget these things and leave the argument without feeling bad?

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And I WANT to be able to just brush it off.

 

A couple of weeks ago my gf was asking which post office was closer, X or Y. I said that I believed X was. So she looks it up on her phone and turns out I was wrong. She says "No, Y is closer". If I would've done the same thing back this morning it would've been a fight. I almost WANT to bring it up later and show her the map saying I was right about the circle the way she did to me with the post office to show her that it doesn't feel good, but I don't want a fight.

 

Is there any trick people use to just forget these things and leave the argument without feeling bad?

 

Well after a while, I used to just tell them to ask someone else...."since Im always wrong".....

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I usually do not even attempt to argue with these types of people. I would rather say that I do not know, even if I do, just so that there is no argument.

If it is a fact that can be easily checked, I will tell them where to go look it up and leave it at that. The only time I would even think of arguing is if I already have the source in front of me and I can show them that they are wrong.

I have a friend who is like this all the time, so that is why I have developed these methods. He is a great guy, but extremely insecure about most things, so he needs to feel like he is right all the time. He was in therapy for a long time and he did get better, but will still, occasionally revert back to his old ways.

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These posts make sense. I like the "I COULD be wrong" idea. And yes, it is just small potatoes. I guess knowing deep down that I AM right is all I need, and I don't need to impose that on anyone else.

 

But the "since I'm always wrong" I can see instigating a fight with just about anyone. I don't think I'm going to do that.

 

But in the end, nobody can make me feel like I'm wrong, or anything for that matter. I make myself feel bad.

 

Maybe next time we're driving through that area I'll tell her "this is where I thought you were that one morning, and there's the first exit - maybe I visualised your position wrong - where were you driving? You may be able to take an even easier route than this".

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Ok,,, i'd like to give a different spin...

 

she was probably nervous about her first day at work- she was probably nervous because she didn't know where she was going.....

 

and she probably was taking it out on you-

 

that doesn't make it right but what i would have done is stopped her dead in tracks and said "hey, you asked me for directions, i'm trying to help, if you want to get mad and angry with me then i'm not going to help you anymore"- and then if she continues with an attitude ..you say you have to go- the more you allow someone like that to push you around the more they will.... bottom line.

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These posts make sense. I like the "I COULD be wrong" idea. And yes, it is just small potatoes. I guess knowing deep down that I AM right is all I need, and I don't need to impose that on anyone else.

 

But the "since I'm always wrong" I can see instigating a fight with just about anyone. I don't think I'm going to do that.

 

But in the end, nobody can make me feel like I'm wrong, or anything for that matter. I make myself feel bad.

 

Maybe next time we're driving through that area I'll tell her "this is where I thought you were that one morning, and there's the first exit - maybe I visualised your position wrong - where were you driving? You may be able to take an even easier route than this".

 

Yes it may! That is what living with a know it all for 16 years will do for you!! LOL!! Believe me you are only in for a few months and are already starting to tire of being asked for advice, directions or an opinon only to be told that you are wrong, more than likely, just about every time. I would do similar to the other posters, often times I would just say "I don't know" even if I did know the answer.

 

Because YOU are asking me...that means YOU don't know, how am I instantly wrong if you are asking me something you don't know??? I never understood that. So please feel free to consult someone else & stop wasting my time! LOL!!

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I try to stay away from people like that because they are insecure and obnoxious, will never acknowledge that they are wrong..and when they do know they are wrong they suddenly twist around what they said previously. In a partner relationship I don't think it is something that you can overlook for long because it actually is a method subtle emotional abuse...it serves to make the partner doubt themself and has the partner walking on eggshells. Not healthy. I think it is important to call her on the behaviour...this is a big issue that over time can erode your self-esteem and your feelings for the know-it-all. I would probably let this incident pass because she is stressed for her new job...but in the future you really should address it and start setting boundaries. Do not sweep it under the rug.

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lol - that's exactly how I feel. Like why even come to me if you already know better than me?

 

And Healinghands - Well, it wasn't her first day (she's on her 2nd week), but she's still trying to find the best route to work. She wasn't really giving me an attitude, just being so persistent, like "no, you're wrong, I'm right".

 

Crazyaboutdogs - are you saying I should stick to my guns if I am in fact correct, and if she does twist it around to call her out on it? Sometimes I feel like I wish I'd recorded our conversation because there are times she WILL claim "I never said that" or "I said something different" and nothing I can say will get her to admit she DID in fact say what I thought she said.

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Sounds like you are just as concerned about being right. I bet you can't see that. Both me and my bf are this way, we acknowledge it and laugh about it. You are very upset because she didn't take your advice as being correct. I think you both have a problem with this. You were right. SO WHAT? And when she was right, she got upset with you. Learn to laugh about this kind of thing and it will bring you closer together.

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Sounds like you are just as concerned about being right. I bet you can't see that. Both me and my bf are this way, we acknowledge it and laugh about it. You are very upset because she didn't take your advice as being correct. I think you both have a problem with this. You were right. SO WHAT? And when she was right, she got upset with you. Learn to laugh about this kind of thing and it will bring you closer together.

 

...you're probably right. I used to go at it with my dad all the time. He was always right according to him and our arguments would never end because I couldn't laugh at it or let it go. Now my brother is the age I was at that time and doing the same thing with my dad, then coming away po'ed that my dad didn't admit my brother was right.

 

I think I just hate when I'm right and people swear up and down that I'm wrong. I think that they think I have no clue what I'm talking about and that I'm an idiot, and then I have to drill in that I'm right so they don't think I'm always wrong.

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Sounds like you are just as concerned about being right. I bet you can't see that. Both me and my bf are this way, we acknowledge it and laugh about it. You are very upset because she didn't take your advice as being correct. I think you both have a problem with this. You were right. SO WHAT? And when she was right, she got upset with you. Learn to laugh about this kind of thing and it will bring you closer together.

 

Easier said than done. Both you and your partner are that way. In the OPs case he is not. I didn't get the sense that he just wanted to be right. It is more about how off-putting it is to constantly deal with someone who argues with you even when they are wrong and acts like you don't know what you are talking about. It is not endearing, it is not something to laugh at..it is insulting, aggressive, and patronizing behaviour. It has to do with putting someone down. I think that is unacceptable in a relationship. Acknowledging when you are wrong is very important. Acting like a know-it-all and insulting someone who you are claiming is wrong is not good behaviour.

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A woman I work with is terrible for knowing everything, and I mean everything. It's next to impossible to have a conversation with her or with her around cuz she's always interrupting and cutting a person off mid sentence. And sometimes not even talking about the same thing. It's like she isn't listening to a thing anyone else is saying. I've come to the point where I use one word comments when I have to talk to her. If I need to say more and she interrupts I walk away.

 

Funny part is she's always talking to herself too. If you ask her who she's talking to she'll say "oh so and so was just here". Ya sure!!

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In a partner relationship I don't think it is something that you can overlook for long because it actually is a method subtle emotional abuse...it serves to make the partner doubt themself and has the partner walking on eggshells. Not healthy.

 

Thank you for validating that for me... even if you didn't mean to... my stbx is a nice guy and I'm getting a lot of crap for leaving him... and from my family too. But I can't take that continual condesending attitude.. and I have for 12+ years. I'm much happier now and my family even sees that.. but still.....I'm the bad guy.. it is very frustrating

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Thank you for validating that for me... even if you didn't mean to... my stbx is a nice guy and I'm getting a lot of crap for leaving him... and from my family too. But I can't take that continual condesending attitude.. and I have for 12+ years. I'm much happier now and my family even sees that.. but still.....I'm the bad guy.. it is very frustrating

 

 

I think the problem is that for others, they only have to take him in small doses, so the rest of him that is nice is what they really see. You had to live with the day in, day out condescending know-it-all behaviour and after a while you lose sight of the rest of the nice person because this very unpleasant part is a daily, hourly issue.

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