My girlfriend keeps leading her guy friend on. How do I handle it?

My long-distance girlfriend has been spending a lot of time with this guy James. He texts her nearly every day, and they hang out I'd say every two or three days. She parties and drinks heavily with him at his or her apartment, usually with her girlfriend or one of his guys friends or both.

I would normally have absolutely no problem with it if James was just an honest good friend. But he has made it clear that he's attracted to her and wants her. He hasn't done anything too out of line, but he has crossed the line a couple times. She tells me that she knows he likes her yet she spends all this time with him. I think she knows full well that she's leading him on and that she likes the attention.

At one point she said she was going to cut back on the amount of time they spend together because she knew she was being selfish, that she knew she was leading him on, and that it wasn't fair to him or me. She decided this all on her own, it wasn't my idea. Well since then they've been hanging out even more than before.

I asked her why she hasn't followed through with what she said and she says she's not leading him on and that he's just a friend, that she has a lot of fun with him. Last night she had him and her friend over for a night of drinking and he ended up spending the night. To me it just seems like she's letting him think he has a chance because she won't put him in his place.

She told him she has a boyfriend and that she's in love with me, but that doesn't seems to deter him. I should also mention that she admitted to developing and attraction for him earlier, and at that point she questioned whether we were going to make it. She says that she's no longer attracted to him anymore however. We have a great relationship otherwise and I can tell she truly loves me. What do you think is going on here?

By the way, I'm not new to this site, I just needed a new screen name because my girlfriend knows my other one.

I think she's lying to herself, she loooooooooooves the attention. She really needs to discipline herself and put a LOT of space between her and that guy. If she cannot do that, then she is not really committed to you.

yea id agree man thats not right. If she keeps this up one day something is going to happen and its not going to be good. Dont let it get there.

By the way, I'm not new to this site, I just needed a new screen name because my girlfriend knows my other one.

I sure hope his real name isn't James then.

Any how, I don't think anything fishy is going on, but I do think you need to have a serious talk with her to find out what her true intentions are. You need to tell her this is not appropriate for a woman in a serious relationship and if she does, in fact want to play with mens minds like this, she needs to do it on her own as a single woman.

She is playing with fire and whether or not people are going to get burned is anybodies guess. She lacks attention, so she needs a lot of girlfriends who spend the same amount of time with her.

I think it's just not right. If this situation keeps up, I think it's just a matter of time until his intentions become her intentions as well.

If he really was just a friend, not someone who wants her, I think there would be no problem - just a situation to pay attention to. But, since he has feelings for her, for me it seems to be a problem.

Thanks for the feedback.

Now I know I'm not the only one who thinks this is inaproppriate. The hard part about confronting her over this is that we've had A LOT of disscussions about this guy before and how the way she's acting is inaproppriate, yet nothing has changed. Other than this, things are going very well between us. We just got through a rough patch and I don't want to stir things up again.

She's coming to see me in 4 days and she tells me how she gets butterflies thinking about it, and I just melt and I can't bring myself to confront her. She is also moving to another state (closer to me) in a few weeks to go to school, so she won't be seeing this guy anymore anyway. I know I could let it slide until she moves, but that won't change the fact that she isn't completely committed to me. Later on it could be another guy she starts leading on. I'm real frustrated.

You know on one hand, you can say this is all very innocent but on the other hand, it doesn't look very good to outsiders and that is disrespectful to you. What do you think her neighbors think when they see his car there all nite long, even though she has a steady boyfriend?

I know alot of women have guys as platonic friends, myself included, but when you have guys staying overnight at your house, it makes your bf nervous and maybe he ought to be, as the girl does not really know exactly what is going thru that male platonic friend's mind.

The "evil that lurks in men's minds" is a phrase that comes to mind. While she might think all is perfectly innocent and they are just "buds", his thinking might be totally the opposite and if he's admitted to being attracted to her, she's just playing with fire.

I'd sit down and have a long heart to heart talk with her. If she's truly in love, then cutting out the drinking parties and "stay-overs" should not be that difficult for her.

Why are you not invited to these soirees, btw?

Why are you not invited to these soirees, btw?

We're in a long distance relationship so I'm not able to attend, otherwise I'm sure she would invite me. The last time I came to visit I did hang out with them and drink. He seemed like a cool guy and I was nice to him. But I'm sure he was just nice to me to look good in my girlfriend's eyes.

Mmm, I've been in this situation before.

You want to know the honest to God truth?

Your GF is leading the both of you on. She's telling James what he wants to hear so that he continues to chase her. Mabye she hints that she's not happy with you. Mabye she hints that things are going to end soon. Just enough teasing to keep him drooling.

As for you, she's feeding you just enough to placate you. The Oh-he's-just-a-friend line. And the I-don't-have-any-feelings-for-him-anymore line.

You know how to solve these kinds of situations?

Stop listening to all the cheap talk.

Judge her by her actions.

I don't think it'll be too long before you realize she's not being faithful to the relationship.

(PS I don't buy the naive/she things this is innocent theory. Women aren't stupid. Your GF knows exactly what she's doing.)

You can't change what she's doing. You can, however, change the way you react to it. If you're not happy with what she's doing, and she's proven that she will continue doing it, you have to decide if it's something that you can live with or if it's reason enough for you to leave.

Are you really really sure she isn't leading him on on purpose (i.e., she enjoys the attention) or that she is actually dating both of you and lying to you both?

Alternatively, perhaps she has a drinking problem and likes her drinking buddy. People with drinking problems form all kinds of inappropriate relationships with drinking buddies in pursuit of their addiction.

You can't stop her, but you can make it very clear that you find the behavior unacceptable and will break up with her if she doesn't stop drinking and flirting with this guy.

The point is it is excessive flirting, and it is leading on if she has not intention of being with him, and cheating if she is actually carrying it to far with him. It is hard to know which it is unless you are there with her all the time. Neither one of those is attractive in a girlfriend, and bodes poorly for your future together.

You can't stop her, but you can make it very clear that you find the behavior unacceptable and will break up with her if she doesn't stop drinking and flirting with this guy.

I've decided that I don't want to date someone who behaves like this. If I tell her I'll break up with her if she continues this behavior, she'll probably stop spending so much time with him. But how will I know she's doing it for the right reasons, as opposed to just doing it to make me happy and to keep me around? Do I just wait until the next guy comes around and starts showing her attention and see how she handles it then?

I've already told her in the past that I don't appreciate her behavior with this guy, and she seemed to understand at the time. But nothing has changed since then.

In my experience, those kinds of ultimatums don't work. You either break up with her and tell her why. Or you don't, and learn to live with this 'problem.' You've already told her that you don't like it, but she continues to do it. You see the pattern here? She called your bluff.

Now, you can't go halfway and THREATEN to breakup with her for behaving this way. That just shows that you're too weak to stand up for yourself. That's like a kid stomping his feet and refusing to wash his hands for supper unless he gets dessert after.

The ball's in your court now. You either do something about it, or you don't.

I agree with orangesoda, don't threaten to break up with her. I've always had a lot of guy friends who I used to hang out with often, and it took me a while to understand to back off from them once I was in a relationship....it literally took me a few months to really get it. When my bf gave me an "ultimatum" I just go pissed off and rebelled even more...he quickly change his route and just got more sympathy and understanding from me. Have a real good long talk with her about this. Tell her how it won't be good for your relationship. Don't bring jealousy or anything into this. Ask her how she'd react if you did the same with a female "friend". Then give her a little time to show you she can change. If she doesn't change, you could break up with her.

It is not an ultimatum, but drawing a boundary line for both yourself and her. You are letting her know that you choose not to be with a person who behaves this way, and if she continues to behave this way, you can't be with her. So it is you choosing how you want to live (with a girl who does't drink and party with other guys), and she can decide being with you is important enough to stop that behavior or not.

Sometimes people don't understand how important things are to you, or that it is something that is serious enough to make you consider leaving. I believe in letting the person know how serious you are, then letting them choose whetehr they want to change their behavior or not. Then you decide accordingly based on what they do.

So what you are doing is drawing that line in the sand and then is she continues to do this and ignore your boundary, you make your own choice and leave.

Problem is that he's already told her that it's something he doesn't like. That should have been enough.

I'm sorry to say but I think the GF is having her cake and eating it too. And it's because the OP lets her get away with it. He's the stable/listen to my problems/nice backup guy, who also happens to be conveniently far away. And James is the right now/right here/lets drink/have fun/no commitment/he really likes me/could replace the OP in case of a breakup guy.

She's got the best of both worlds. Why should she stop?

OP - stop being a doormat and pushover and *do* something about this if it bothers you so much. Talk is cheap - threatening to break up is just going to make her go further with James and then hide it from you.

I agree with orangesoda on this one. You told her once and she still did not listen. It seems she doesn't care enough to change. She feels comfortable and secure that you won't dump her because you already told her once, she ignored it in the long run and saw that you stayed with her. I think that if you don't like it you should leave because she doesn't seem to have enough respect for you to really want to change what she's doing.

It doesn't sound the least bit innocent to me. Sorry to not be the bearer of better news.

You can't change what she's doing. You can, however, change the way you react to it. If you're not happy with what she's doing, and she's proven that she will continue doing it, you have to decide if it's something that you can live with or if it's reason enough for you to leave

Ultimatums dont work, and sometimes, discussing your fears and getting them out into the open doesnt work either.

If she truly cant appreciate your feelings - leave, and find someone who does.

Paperdolls,

Not sure if you still post on here, but I was just wondering how this worked out for you. I'm in the same situation now, almost exactly.

Still with your girl? Is she still leading this other guy on?

There needs to be no discussion of it. It is wrong of her to be doing this to YOU. It has nothing to do with this guy and her leading him on. If hes spending the night there with his friend and constantly texting her and she was once attracted to him and now they're spending a lot of time together its WRONG WRONG WRONG

If this were my girflriend I wouldn't discuss anything I would simply tell her "Enough is enough, no more being with this guy or you can forget talking to me because you've completely crossed the line."

She told him she has a boyfriend and that she's in love with me, but that doesn't seems to deter him. I should also mention that she admitted to developing and attraction for him earlier, and at that point she questioned whether we were going to make it. She says that she's no longer attracted to him anymore however. We have a great relationship otherwise and I can tell she truly loves me. What do you think is going on here?

That's because her mouth is saying one thing and her actions, which show true intention, are saying another.

What she is doing is inappropriate and you are probably right, she is enjoying the attention, especially so if you both are long distance and don't get to spend a lot of time together.

If I were you I'd let her know that if she is going to continue a relationship with you she needs to put the brakes on their 'friendship' (as in not hanging out every day, him spending the night) especially given that he's admitted to wanting more and she knows this. I'd be concerned that if they haven't already that they will cross the line.