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Thread: What I have learned about Commitment phobics

  1. #1
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    What I have learned about Commitment phobics

    On my on-going journey of discovery, I have just finished a few books on Commitment Phobics and their patterns. Who knew there were actually patterns from beginning to end? I just thought it was cold-feet before marriage.......Wow..was I wrong!

    This is what I have learned: CP=(Commitment Phobics)

    There are active CP's and passive CP's. The active CP seeks out a partner who is different from them in the beginning. They honestly want a real commited relationship and go all out to get it. The other partner..usually a passive is protective and a bit curious why the active is so interested. The affair maybe whirlwind. Confessions, intimacies and words are expressed in the beginning to secure what appears to be the real thing. Confessions of bad past relationships by the Active CP are made up front. This is a blatant warning to the passive to get the *&^% out now! Things will never change! The words "love" "commitment" and even "marriage" are used to secure the passive CP.

    Once that is established, and the relationships is secure (with or without sex), the active CP gets nervous when the passive wants more. They feel "trapped, panicked, suffocated, anxious, ambivalent, " and do the push and pull thing with the passive. This only confuses the passive and makes them work even harder to prove their worth and love and in return..pushes the active away even more!

    At the end, the active will start to back off just when things seem great. The passive tries even harder taking the blame for everything but in fact, the active CP is provoking their partner by bringing up stuff that the passive had all along ie. their religion, age, hair, friends etc. as a means to make the passive get angry and hurt so they can walk away, usually confused, astounded and incredibly hurt without any closure.

    The active feels guilty about this but also feels relieved. They usually replace this partner almost immediately but feel confident that their ex will still be around to accept them back in should the need arise.

    Their conflicts are bone deep. You can't help them....they don't want help unless they ask for it from a medical therapist and it's a long road to recovery. The passive CP's self-esteem, ego, pride are shattered because they can't understand how something that good, so intimate, so full of potential could go 360 degrees the other way in a heartbeat without warning? But one must be self-protective from the get-go.

    Actions speak louder than words. These active runners will NEVER change. That is what hurts so badly. It's not the passive CP's fault but one must question the little red flags that come up in a relationship in the beginning ie. all those words that say commitment but all those actions that scream RUN - NOW that the passive CP's avoid or ignore because they want it to work so badly.

    Self protection is everything and if your partner isn't on the same page with you everyday wanting the same things and being consistent in word and action, there is something very very wrong and unhealthy......they can make your life a living hell!

    They may feel trapped or feel the perfect person is just around the corner waiting to meet them while the passive thinks they are that perfect person and goes all out to be just that....perfect - sacrificing their time, energies, love, patience and dediction for an active who sees this as nice but..pressure and eventually flee or forever be 'stuck"!!!!!

    If you are an active CP.....you have to look at your own behaviour and question why you run away when things seem too good. If you are passive, why do you fear abandonment so much for the sake of your own self-esteem and pride? No partner is worth that.

    I'm learning the hard way.

    Please send me some mail if you see yourself in either of these roles??

  2. #2
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    Wow

    I think you did a good job with that one!! You seem to put things into context very well.

    I have hear a lot of stories like that one! Who are some of the authors that talk about commitment phobia?

    It is really a warning to us all!!

  3. #3
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    Very interesting read

    My recent expierience with dating a commitment phobe showed me that the more affection and assurance i gave her the more it made her come back to me. Sometimes while on a break a friend would meet her out and assure her of my love and that would cause her to regain trust in me and come looking for me. You see her prolem is that she has a deep mistrust of men and the prospect of bieng regected terrifies her, infact we are now apart as she ran away to Japan.
    In some cases i think you are right when you say that the more assurance you give the more the active cp runs, but this really depends on the particular fears of the cp. In my case as she is terribly insecure the opposite proved to be the case.

  4. #4
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    resources

    By the way, usually active and passive commitment phobics usually have problems in their youth! ie. parents who were too demanding without encouragement, smothering without allowing the child self-esteem or decision making; abandonment, little nurturing, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse or distance. A divorce or rocky family history is common.

    The books I read were fascinating and truly gave me all the answers I couldn't get from my ex!

    Two authors....Steven Carter and Julia Sokol wrote two books that are truly amazing! "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Men Who Can't Love". Another wonderful book about people who have trouble opening up is called "Emotionally Unavailable" by Bryn C. Collins.

    If anyone reads any of these, I would love to discuss them with you! At the end of the day, CP's can't deal with: decision making, fear, vulnerability, feelings/emotions, goals, self-esteem and love. No partner can help them!!! No matter how hard you try to be understanding, patient, loving, kind.....it has to come from them. Most of the time, they are aware of their own behaviour but tend to repeat the patterns over and over and over again. If you encounter any of the patterns I mentioned...know there is a very big red flag and it's time to seriously consider moving on.

    Also those who come back for a second chance, they try for a time but when feeling trapped again, they usually repeat the same patterns except this time the relationship is relived and ended much quicker.

    Remember, it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a loving wonderful human being with much to give. It's not your problem and you can't fix it!

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  6. #5
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    Only way to help a CP come around

    I believe there is only one way to help a cp. Its a journy of love devotion and above all patience.....

    From my experience dating a cp, i learned that it is her irrationally huge fear of rejection and abandonment that was the foundation from which all the other problems stemmed. This translated into a problem of trust.

    I believe that in such cases all hope is not lost and the cp can change, but for this to happen one must prove the cp's fears wrong through lots of reassurance. If one uses a for tat approach the cp will only believe they were right in thinking people can not be trusted.

    Cps want to love and be loved but like a wounded animal, it can take a long time for them to realise that not everyone is 'bad'.

  7. #6
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    that confident?

    Help,

    She is one very lucky lady to have such an understanding man in her life.

    Unfortunately, according the statistics out there.....you wil be waiting a very very very long time for a solid commitment.

    All the doing, saying, love, assurance, encouragement, support in the world will only make you exhausted and emotionally spent. This has to come from the CP through serious counselling.

    Telling someone who is a phobic that their fears are irrational is a given to the phobic. That doesn't mean they will change unless they are willing to face their demons head-on.

    Good luck to you both and I truly hope she turns a corner.
    A word of warning.....please be self-protective just in case and don't keep hoping.

    How do I know? We've all been there and it's a published fact.

  8. #7
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    hello just woke up . Im in the same situation right now. my bf well i should say exbf broke up almost 3 months ago and i find myself stuck because im in love with him. we were together 9 months and at about our 6 month he started pushing away never said why brought up the fact that he doesn't want children and he knows i do. felt over whelmed by my precense and thought we were spending too much time together.everything you mentioned. We have been bestfriends for almost 5 years now and well when we got together it was a shock to both of us but like you mentined he went gung ho w/it. He approached me and well the ball got rolling. He was very affectionate to begin w/ he was always telling me how much he loved me then a full 360 has come about. He is seeing a therapist as of about a month ago. He did suffer a traumatic loss at the age of 12 . his mother died of Cancer and well I fear that the phobia stems off from that. Right now we are still talking and he assures me he loves me he assures me he wants only me and has no desire to see other people , however he says he had no idea why this wall automatically comes up when he knows he is so happy with me. that he knows we are good together. Very confusing on my end...I would like to know which books you have read ..I would love to read them and look into this more because I"m in it for the long hall. I love him

  9. #8
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    books

    Hi Darla,

    The books I read were invaluable and I am desperate to buy them now as I felt the urgent need to highlight just about every page and mine were from the library.

    Written by the same two authors...Steven Carter and Julia Sokol...."Men Who Can'tLove" and "He's Scared, She's Scared" will literally walk you through your relationship with a CP whether it was one date, a few months, a few years, marriage and long-term relationships.

    What is so sad, painful and frustrating, is that the CP is aware that they are hurting you but can't or won't change. What's worst? all that wonderful intimacy and sharing in the beginning is totally forgotten by the CP and replaced by fear, ambivalence, cruel words ..almost like a child lashing out to escape. They feel the concept of marriage or real commitment to you might suffocate them or put them in a box that they will never escape from.

    Others think their ideal mate ie. my Prince Charming, My ideal woman, My dream date, My calendar girl, My Knight in Shining Armour (who, by the way, never ever have bed head, cough, have a broken nail or a any hobbies except to love and worship you in all their perfection" really do exist and are waiting just for them. Long wait there! Even when these CP's meet incredible potential partners..there will always be some problem that will stop them from getting really involved.

    This one foot in, one foot out gives them a clean exit. They often go from one relationship to the next without any real explanation or closure because they are so good at it! Some feel guilty...others know they have a problem and the key words that I have found through my own experiene is and then some more WORDS and then, just to keep you hanging and their egos intact some more WORDS.

    Action, the planning (remember that word because it crops up big time with CP's) maybe verbalized or not but wait till the day comes and you realize you are living and loving a potential.....hope......could be/would be. if only because, in reality.....they don't want you permanently at all. Some just dissappear in the dead of night....others, chronically for years like a bad broken record until you lose your mind, your precious time and end up angry or in a state of no self-esteem, self-blame and guilt. It's not your fault! Remember that. You can't fix them. They are not your responsibility.

    Why do we love these people? Because we are vulnerable and want to help them. We think because we have so much to give, offer, to love, he/she will "get it and us" and wake up. No cigar and wishful thinking. It can take literally years of therapy to get back to that sense of trusting and moving forward with the majority of CP's.

    Beause we project too much and don't stop to see what is really going on, we open our hearts to a great deal of pain, frustration and sadness. These toxic people should be stamped on their foreheads for any future innocents.

    Love is blind. I still love but I can tell you, I don't like, trust, believe, hope, confide or waitfor my ex B/F anymore. He was just a life lesson I hope to never repeat.


    You can't make someone want to be with you and make plans if they don't or can't. Their phobia is bigger than you, your relationship, what you mean to them or ever will be.

  10. #9
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    Oh no.. The girl I've been dating for 3+ months is definitely a CP and not just that.. shes a workaholic CP!!..

    we've already split up once and just got back together again... somehow I see myself saying adios to her if she doesn't try to fix her own behaviour... she admits that she is a workaholic and says she knows its wrong but thats just how she is!? - How can I get her to try and help herself without freaking her out? - I know that this relationship probably wont last but I do care about her alot and I hope she can fix this problem with our without me in her life... shes an awesome person and deserves more in life... I just wish she could see that!

    I dont really want to but I'm probably gonna have to end this sometime...she even warned me that shes a tough girl to be with.. I took the challenge anyways and we were very happy together - for a while...

    Its gonna drain me if this doesn't change and I love myself more than that....such a shame cos it started so well!!

    Any advice??

  11. #10
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    Oh no.. The girl I've been dating for 3+ months is definitely a CP and not just that.. shes a workaholic CP!!..

    we've already split up once and just got back together again... somehow I see myself saying adios to her if she doesn't try to fix her own behaviour... she admits that she is a workaholic and says she knows its wrong but thats just how she is!? - How can I get her to try and help herself without freaking her out? - I know that this relationship probably wont last but I do care about her alot and I hope she can fix this problem with our without me in her life... shes an awesome person and deserves more in life... I just wish she could see that!

    I dont really want to but I'm probably gonna have to end this sometime...she even warned me that shes a tough girl to be with.. I took the challenge anyways and we were very happy together - for a while...

    Its gonna drain me if this doesn't change and I love myself more than that....such a shame cos it started so well!!

    Any advice??

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