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Thread: Seriously, i'm not selfish and materialistic but......

  1. #1
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Seriously, i'm not selfish and materialistic but......

    sigh, just a little rant, i just have to get this off my chest. hope this doesn't bother you guys..... here goes.....

    for once, i'd like to date a man with money. there, i said it. i know i'm a moderator on this site, and i'm always saying, 'it's more important to have a good man than a rich guy who drives fancy cars and stuff.....' and i do mean that. i'm a graduate student myself, i don't make a lot of money. most of the guys i've dated the last few years haven't had a lot of money either. some have been students, like myself. others have been guys who either don't have a college education and have some sort of job that doesn't pay all that well, or some even with college educations, but they also don't have good paying jobs.

    in turn, many of these guys can be kind of cheap on dates, some to the point where it is inconsiderate. now, i always offer to help pay my share, always. but, if a guy's going to ask me on a date, i do wish that he'd come up with a plan. for example, one guy i dated 2 months ago..... he asked me out on a first date for dinner. we met downtown, where there are a lot of restaurants. he told me to choose a restaurant, so i chose the closest one, i went there a few years ago. well, the prices were kind of more expensive than i remembered. i wanted to get 1 glass of wine, but then he said, 'no - let's share a bottle, but the cheapest one.' i felt bad, once he told me that he makes even LESS money than i do, and the prices of the meals were expensive, so i suggested we split a pizza (the cheapest thing on the menu). he started telling me how in his home country, men there always take care of their gfs, and really look after them, and all that. when the bill came, his eyes got big, so i offered to split. we dated for a while, and i found out he was plenty selfish, in general.

    see, if a guy asks me on a date, and he is broke, i'd rather he come up with some kind of plan in advance. maybe a picnic on the lake? getting some ice cream? something like that..... not tell me to choose the restaurant, and then make me feel kind of bad about choosing a pricey one.

    i went out with a guy this week also. he's 34 and never went to college, and has some financial difficulties, he told me. at the end of the night, i offered to split the tab, and he said, 'uhhh.... no, i'll get it this time.' makes me think next time, i'll have to get the bill. (and yes, am a bit concerned about his lack of college).

    sigh. is it so wrong of me to want a guy who will pay for things, and not make me feel bad about it? maybe i should just stop feeling bad about it, and not even bother to reach for my purse on the first few dates.

  2. #2
    Gold Member fragmint's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by annie24

    sigh. is it so wrong of me to want a guy who will pay for things, and not make me feel bad about it? maybe i should just stop feeling bad about it, and not even bother to reach for my purse on the first few dates.
    no it is not wrong for you to feel this way.

    honestly i would be completely turned off if i was dating a man that had not finished, is finishing, or has plans of getting at least a college degree. i probably wouldnt even think of dating them. secondly the guy has to a good job so he can afford what he needs to afford and also afford me.

    i dont ask for much, but i do expect to have my meal paid for when he takes me out. whats the point of taking me out if you dont have any money? if im gonna go out for a night i wanna have fun, not be penny pinching. i like to be spoiled and surprised sometimes too (not saying that youare, but i'm just saying that i feel that way).

    honestly if these guys are making you feel bad about the situation its good that youre not with them. people like that who are overly cheap tend to also be very calculating (like the example of i paid last time, its your turn).

  3. #3
    Gold Member Caterina's Avatar
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    I think you should let the guy pay for the first couple of dates. And I don't think you're selfish. I always had the guy pay, even if he was poor. If he wants to date me, he pays. If he pays, you won't worry about whether or not the guy is rich/poor. Some men on this site get really mad when I say that, but hey, they don't ask me out so I don't have a problem with that.


    If you're in graduate school, you're just going to meet other poor guys, but there are still fun things to do that are cheap if you really like the guy (rollerblading, dollar theatre flicks, tennis, volunteering).

    Plus, you should be patient and wait for a guy who is up to your standards...

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    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    I love being spoiled. Everyone does.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    No, I do not think you are wrong. I think maybe you are frustrated at the lack of communication maybe?? I know you do not want to exclude people on basis of money, education etc. But maybe look for the kind of man you want?? Someone a bit older who has an education and been in the work world for about 10 years and has the ability to pamper you a bit.

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    I've never been spoiled so I have no idea what it's like but I don't think you are wrong for wanting a guy who will pay more than the guys you've experienced in the past.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    This is a tough one Annie, because some guys get offended if you offer to pay (as in, they feel less 'manly' if they don't pay), and other guys get mad if you don't offer to pay (as in, 'this chick wants a free ride off of me'). It's hard to know what to do if you don't know the guy that well.

    I've had guys get huffy if you offer to pay, and guys that get huffy if you don't split the check... you can't win!

    I always follow the rule that whoever does the inviting picks up the tab. And if it's someone i don't know well, i make him choose the place (so he chooses something he can afford/wants to pay for).

    And I make a point of picking up every other tab too, unless he really objects and insists on paying.

    But if you offer to pay and he makes you feel guilty about it, that's his problem! he can't have it both ways, where he satisfies some 'man must pay' need of his own, then blames you when he's the one who asked you to choose a restaurant that he thinks is too expensive. you're not a mind reader so he shouldn't be angry at you.

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    I dunno, I've always been a bit 50/50 with my dates (but expect to be treated, every now and again )

    As far as I'm concerned, generosity is not a matter of how much one has, but how much one will share.

    you said: "see, if a guy asks me on a date, and he is broke, i'd rather he come up with some kind of plan in advance. maybe a picnic on the lake? getting some ice cream? something like that..... not tell me to choose the restaurant, and then make me feel kind of bad about choosing a pricey one."

    I agree with that! Or heck, maybe some would see it as a bit crass, but he could just say "I have X amount to spend on dinner, but I'd really like to treat you...if you know of any tasty and affordable places, it'd be lovely if you'd like to choose one for us to go to tonight" (well, maybe not verbatim, but you get the idea!)

    As for the 34 y.o. diploma-less guy-- I wouldn't read into the "next time". He may or may not have meant anything by it.
    If he is intelligent, interesting, and has whatever else it is that you look for in a partner, I wouldn't let the diploma (or lack there of) be an issue.
    As you must have realized by now-- there are plenty of idiots issued diplomas, anyway!
    Give the guy a chance--
    may be an autodidact, a basement genius, or... he could be a schmuck. There's only one way to find out...

  10. #9
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    i guess, everyone wants to feel special. i don't feel really special if i feel like i am depriving a poor grad student of his rent money. or if a guy asked me out for dinner, then is not ready to pay the bill himself.

    of course, i've also dated grad students who didn't let me pay for anything. one guy, i had to pretty much INSIST i even get his coffee (after he treated for dinner).

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    That is so true, having an education is no gaurantee of intelligence. There are plenty of intelligent people that did not have the opportunity.

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