Jump to content

I get mad at my boyfriend because of my own expectations...HELP!


expectationc

Recommended Posts

Recently my boyfriend of over 3 years moved in with me. We have lived together before. Currently he is going to college after getting out of the military almost 2 years ago. So he is home during the day, unless he has class, while I am at work from 7-5. Then when I get home I feel like I have to make dinner, feed the dogs, take the dogs out, clean the house, do laundry if necessary, etc. And lately he has been saying I yell at him and get mad at him all the time. I don't mean to but think it is because I am feeling like I have to do all of these things and pick up after him. Why can't he helpout cleaning or something while I'm at work? I don't want to be mad at him or yell at him or the dogs for nothing and I also don't want this to get so out of hand he leaves I love him and like living with him. Things that I yell at him for include tickling me while we are watching a movie, hanging on me hugging me while I am trying to do something like cook dinner, etc. Please help any advice would be great! ](*,)

Link to comment

I think you need to be more patient with him. He probably has no idea what is expected of him while you are away at work. And sometimes if there are a lot of chores to be done it can be overwhelming and he probably doesn't know what to do. Men can be like this, its a pain I know. I would leave him little lists on his days off. Thats what my mom used to do when we were home and she was going to work. Don't leave him a big long list but maybe like 2 or three things like doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, take out the garbage, whatever. Then he will feel like he is responsible for something and he will feel good that he is helping out in the house. Good luck. Try not to get snappy with him that will only push him away.

Link to comment

Just sit down and lay things out.

Explain why you get frustrated, or mad. Explain why you're always mad and yelling, or whatever and set up a list of who does what. Not only will it make you feel better [which he will benefit from] but it will make the relationship and living arrangements go much smoother.

Link to comment

These are some of the benefits of living with someone before marriage - to know what each other's habits are and see whether it's possible to deal with it.

 

I've once heard someone said how you begin to delegate to chores is how it'll end up being for the rest of your life. So in this sense, you failed to set an expectation for him. Just as you don't know what to expect, he doesn't know how it'll unfold either.

 

BUT, he may be the type who will do chores, but just don't see the need to do them unless it's piling up. Some people just don't have a "thing" with a room that's in a little bit of mess.

 

And yes, you should lose your temper. It's a lot of trouble dealing with it. Keep this up, and eventually he'll feel an obligation to come home instead of actually wanting to.

Link to comment

Men are generally clueless about cleaning the house. I do believe they think the house cleans itself and you had nothing to do with it. Why should you be so tired and cranky? Didn't the house just clean itself for you? Didn't the clothes just hop in the machine? Do what I did, give up on him cleaning and hire a service to do it for you. Keeps me sane.

Link to comment

the above might be a good idea. tell him if he doesnt do the chores that need to be done around the house when hes home all day then you both will just split the cost of hiring a service to do all of it (which can get very costly). make it clear that you are not going to do all the work and that it will be split.

 

i disagree with making a list of a few things to do. there are MANY things to do around the house and they are very common sense. if there are dishes then wash them, if there is laundry then do them, if the trash is full , take it out, when youre done eating, clean up the table. Just tell him that he needs to clean up around the place and keep it tidy.

Link to comment

Hi

 

Yes youre right it is your expectations.

BUT, also, I have to say, if you have the funds then perhaps a cleaning service is the way to go - but WHY oh WHY is it that a woman works and cleans up too???

Did we get a how to clean up manual when we were kids - or did we just emulate our mothers.... hmmmmm - well, times have changed and women work as hard as men.

I mean, wouldnt we all love to be able to go to work, and not have many other responsibilities, all our free time to ourselves, watching tv, going out, slobbing around, whatever??

 

Life isnt like that really is it. We all have responsibilities outside of our 9 - 5 or 5 - 9.

 

Any why - as another poster said - are men clueless about housework?? Isnt it kind of controlling and mothering to have to write them lists?? I mean, something looks dirty, Clean it!!

 

How hard is it. Really. Its common sense.

 

So, is it laziness - its all too easy to leave it to someone else, and also, very unfair.

 

I think what you have to think about, is, if he live in his own apartment, would he live in chaos and dirt, or would he get off his butt and clean it himself??

 

Perhaps you should try that

Link to comment

I gather that you've never told him any of this.

 

Should you have to? In a perfect world, no... he'd take the initiative and help you out around the house.

 

Talk to him. Let him know that you are struggling with the fact that you are away from home 10 hours a day working just to come home and do absolutely all the work at the house too!

 

I think you are right, if you keep on the same track, you are going to be more temperamental and tense in time. It's only going to get worse unless you attempt to work through it by communicating with him.

 

Why haven't you yet?

Link to comment
  • 6 months later...
Men are generally clueless about cleaning the house. I do believe they think the house cleans itself and you had nothing to do with it. Why should you be so tired and cranky? Didn't the house just clean itself for you? Didn't the clothes just hop in the machine? Do what I did, give up on him cleaning and hire a service to do it for you. Keeps me sane.

 

i'm glad you threw ''generally'' in there. my most recent relationship saw me doing everything. cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc...i used to enjoy cooking. it quickly became a burden. this will destroy any relationship. it will only get worse. find a solution before you start resenting each other.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

From what I read, I assume you haven't told your boyfriend. You should sit down with him and talk about it. I'm a guy, but we're not clueless, at least not me. I don't know about you ladies, but men aren't psychic. We can't read people's minds and expect to know what to do. I personally don't do chores unless someone tells me to. I know it's a 'common sense' thing, but why should I? If I do, I will just get yelled at for not doing it right. I remember I took out the trash one day while a friend was at school[staying over at his place] and when he got home, he yelled at me telling me that "There was still room in the bag" Another thing is, I can see him trying to be passionate and outgoing with you, when you're tired from work and chores. Tell him, he can be passionate and sh*t when he does his share of the cleaning.

 

Try not to take this offensively, but the best way to let someone know is to talk it out. I learned this in Parenting class[when I was a sophomore] that when you yell, all the child hears is the yelling. It's better to calmly state your point. If I was the guy, I'd do my share without even having to be told. I'm a clean person, I love my stuff from shirts and boxers to video games and books organized. No joke, they're all divided by colour and alphabetically. I wish there were more guys like me for you sweet ladies.

 

Unfortunately, I get to leave for 4 miserable years leaving my girlfriend behind.[uSMC Infrantry]

 

 

Hope that helps.

Link to comment
Things that I yell at him for include tickling me while we are watching a movie, hanging on me hugging me while I am trying to do something like cook dinner, etc

 

Others have addressed different points -- I just wanted to say one thing here... Unless you sense there is some passive-aggressive intent behind it (then address it) try your best to never be upset with him for showing affectionate, playful, caring behavior.

 

If I wanted to hug my bf & he actually yelled at me about it, well, that wouldn't go over well. That type of thing wouldn't be for me...

 

As others have said, address some of the other things you wrote about that are making you frustrated within. If they can improve, your short-tempered mood & reactions to him will also...

Link to comment

You need to have a stern sitdown with your boyfriend and explain to him in a calm and rational manner about the goal at hand that you're trying to reach.

You wanna be fair at illustrating these ideas, however, because overwise it may come accross that you're just being a bully and picking on him.

 

If you've really got a keeper, he will take it all in, process it and then you should see immediate results. In other words, he'll reflect on what he's been doing and realize that perhaps he hasn't been helping out as much. Take into consideration that he is (most likely) a full-time college student with studying hours and you are a 7-5 working woman. Of course, that still doesn't give either of you the right to neglect your chores.

 

Once again, if he's a keeper and if you explain to him a rational and productive style of voice, you should get immediate results. If not, then you may have some further thinking ahead of you.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Men are generally clueless about cleaning the house. I do believe they think the house cleans itself and you had nothing to do with it. Why should you be so tired and cranky? Didn't the house just clean itself for you? Didn't the clothes just hop in the machine? Do what I did, give up on him cleaning and hire a service to do it for you. Keeps me sane.

 

Whoa.

 

Men are not clueless, that's totally incorrect.

 

What seems to be the problem here is a lack of communication (as in most relationships). Indeed, some men are sloppy, just as some women are too.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...