Tornapart123 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Today I broke it off with my girlfriend of four years. My question is what happened to us? For over 3 years now I have been contemplating marrying her (and maybe that was our downfall). When I first met her, it was the first time in my life where a light bulb went off in my head and I thought "I need to marry this girl" However, as time went on, things began to change. The girl who initially I could never dream without started to slowly change before my eyes. Emotions. That is what has led me to be alone and sad at this point of time in my life. My ex-girlfriend had super emotions. She started to become jealous, and possessive (lost contact with my friends, friends do not like her). We fought, vowed to make changed for one another. But, the problems persisted. Imagine what happened when her best friend committed suicide... Those were the toughest days in our relationship. One part of me said just "take it" (the grunt of her grief), which I ended up doing. Things became real crazy at that time because of her loss (I was just adjusting to life as a graduate student as well). Well I tried to be there for her, it literally left me boiling to the brim. For over a year, we had frightening episodes that just drained the life out of me. Long story, put in short, I still love her but know that I cannot marry her. The relationship puts a constant strain on my life and my well being. I ended it today over something little, something she does often. When she is upset she lashes out at me, without telling me first what is wrong. Logically I think hey she must be upset, but for a long time I was thinking, hey why does she put me down and then expect me to lift her up? Great girl, women, made me change and grow up as a person. But all in all, I kept imagining if this is what it was going to be like for the rest of my life... I made the decision to let her go... I know I am going to regret it because she is one of the most amazing woman... Just, somethings although we tried will never change. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking, call her and make up... You will never find someone who is as caring, loyal, and loving as her... At the same time, I want a life other than her, less stress... This is the reason I conjured up in my head... Anyone have any advice at all? I am just utterly beaten and worn down, with nothing left in me to make this relationship work... Please... anyone tell me that I made the right decision... Link to comment
DN Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Welcome to eNotAlone. What did she say when you broke up with her? Link to comment
redhearts Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 You honestly did because sometimes people just grow apart and go their separate ways. She needs to grow up as an individual first and find herself before she probably be more able to be in a relationship. I think your doing the right thing because you saying that it was putting a strain on your life and well being. So as long as your happy thats good. Because theres many women in this world and you'll find someone probably better. Link to comment
jasper01 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Have you considered asking her to go to counseling with you? That may help you be more sure of what you are doing, or suggest ways you may not have thought of to help things. Link to comment
h0pelessr0mantic Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I think that you did make the right decision. Its very hard to let people go because everyone has their good and bad qualities. Right now, you are reflecting on her good qualities because you want a reason to go back to her. Its easy to go back, its easy because its firmiliar. but don't do it. You have been thinking about breaking it off for a while. If something didn't feel right then, it won't feel right again. Think about if you have kids, and then the problems escalate (which they will since children ALWAYS puts a strain on marriages because there are more conflicts and more stress), what will happen? divorce? You said yourself that this relationship is draining you emotionally. That was NOT a healthy relationship. You need to be with someone who helps you, who makes you a better person and who you can go to to relieve stress, not someone who is the cause of it. Just trust your gut instincts. you know you did the right thing, now you just need to stick with it. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 so sorry for what you are going through. Your post made me think of my husband and me. I went through MAJOR STRESS after we met 13 years ago. (family trouble that has never stopped, medical issues which made many friends leave me...and then depression). I would lash out at him...trying to get him to leave me b/c everyone else had and I thought I could just speed up the process. We fought hard and loved hard. We made it through so much. I think we emotionally beat up on the people closest to us sometimes because we are in so much pain that we go where we feel the safest to let it out. Everything came to a head last year...we contemplated divorce!Well, we worked HARD...very hard on us. We both have always believed in open communication and I think maybe we finally got to the bottom of our hurts (I hope). Thing is...things are great now...better than they ever have been. We look at each other and say "how did we get here?" and always shrug and laugh it off saying "who cares...as long as we ended up in this happy place". We just had our 8th wedding anniversary! If you feel abused by her to the point where she takes no responsibilty...then yes, not healthy. But, maybe you just need some time apart to let the dust fall where it may. You sound like you need a breather from the drama. Be kind to your heart. Link to comment
Tornapart123 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 She begged and cried, saying that she would change... But the thing is, we went through the same motions a couple of months ago... For a couple weeks it is good and it just goes back to being the same thing... The scary thing is, it doesn't bother me that she cries anymore... The scary thing is, I probably hurt her so much by trying to get through it... After our friend committed suicide, I begged her to get counseling, that I would go with her... She was depressed and suicidal... When you are the only person who knows that someone is suicidal it is a scaryyy scaryyy thing... Eventually I had to get help and she got medical attention and attended therapy for a month but stopped... She comes to church with me, where I desperately hoped that she would find some inner healing... But... I guess it came too late... I guess what makes it really hard for me is when I first dated her for 1 year. What people talk about like, they just know that this is the person who they are suppose to spend the rest of their life with... That was her... Just, too many times have we both tried... But maybe I would not have been rash if marriage was never in the question? - Thanks for the advice, I know too, that although will probably be tough for a while, I can return to my normal self, not rotating my life around a relationship. Just wish she never changed, just wish... But what you people are saying sounds about right, I don't want to try and further worsen a situation by marriage, kids. But I feel like weights have been lifted off my shoulders... Maybe I will meet her again down the life in the future, when she has resolved her insecurities and I have settled down with mine... Link to comment
george237 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 There is nothing wrong with you breaking up with somebody. However, you should tell her the whole story so she knows what to expect from thenext guy. Link to comment
isittolate Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 u stated something along the lines of the weight being lifted and that says it all. U only have one life and if something is dragging u down u should let it go, esp with the length of time u r talking about. I hope u find happiness Link to comment
Hope75 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Hi There, I am sorry that you felt the need to end things, but to be honest if you feel you have tried all you can and she is not someone you can see yourself living with for the rest of your life than maybe this was for the best. It sounds like you really care for her, so I hope you made the right decision. Link to comment
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