Boyfriend Afraid of Commitment...

I am writing because I am in need of some relationship advice in my own relationship. First of all, here is a little background about myself and my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years and 9 months. We do not live together and never have. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 27. I live on my own in an apartment and have for the past 6 months or so. Before that I was living with my parents while finishing up school. My boyfriend is currently living at home with his parents and has the whole time we have been dating. He did live on his own and with roomates for about 4 or 5 years after high school. I am finished school now and am starting out in my career. My boyfriend will be returning to school part time in September while working part time at the same job he is now working full time at. thereforee, he will probably not be finished his degree for quite a few years - probably 4 or so since he will be doing it part-time. We just got back from a one month vacation to Europe together where we spent 24/7 together and got along really well. We both feel like it brought us closer together.

Lately I have been feeling like I want more out of our relationship, though. I feel like I have achieved many of my education/career goals and am living on my own now, and am ready to achieve my other life goals - my relationship goals. I feel like I am ready for a commitment from my boyfriend and am ready to start looking at building a life together. We have talked about this many times, always when I bring it up. He never brings anything like this up on his own. When we do talk about it my boyfriend always says things like, "I want you, I don't want to lose you, I love you so much, I want to share everything in life with you." However, when we talk about when this might happen he still says probably in about 2 years. I do not understand how he can say that he loves me and is sure about us but then doesn't want anything more for us for 2 years. He has also said that he is scared of living together/being married because it might not work out. He also has plans to buy a condo next summer and wants to live in it alone for a bit first (his words).

I am starting to get really annoyed and am starting to second guess whether he is the one for me. As a woman I guess I have always had specific ideas in my mind about what it will be like when I meet the guy I will spend the rest of my life with. I always thought that once we knew we would never want to be apart and would do everything possible to be together. I always thought the guy would be so excited and things would naturally progress to greater commitment, and our wedding day would be the happiest day of our lives. I never thought I would have to have these frustrating discussions about where our relationship is going and when it will happen. This is making me believe that my boyfriend is not the right guy for me. I want him to be, as I feel he would make a great husband and a great father but I can't help but think that there are many guys out there who would be so happy and excited to be with me and take things to the next level....why won't my boyfriend? It is that much harder when nearly all of my friends either are married or are living with their boyfriends. And they are starting to ask when we will be getting married.

I am very unsure of what to do. I am considering taking a step back from the relationship to see how that would feel. We currently spend about 3-4 nights a week together and I am thinking that it might be good to bring it back to 1-2 nights and see how that goes. I am very sad though because this feels like a step backwards while I feel things should be moving forward at this time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

It might help to know that most men are not afraid of marriage - they are afraid of divorce.

Are you sure you want to move forward only because of your love and desire to be with him instead of pressure from friends/family? Are you really sure YOU want this so much that you cannot wait until it feels right for him too? Do you want to move forward with someone or him? It seems he is not ready. If you don't doubt his love and commitment, I would suggest not pressuring him into something he is not ready for. What's another 2 years? If you are sure about his feelings and intent, it shouldn't really matter.

As above. Not every guy who isn't thrilled about the prospect of marriage has to have a fear of commitment. You just mentioned that you boyfriend is still working on his degree and whatnot. Maybe you should consider his position. Even though you feel now's a good time for you to push for more commitment, he might not see it the same way because of where he is in life at the moment. I'm not entirely sure if this is the case since I don't know everything about your boyfriend, but for all you know he might be trying to be in a position where he can be a stable provider for a family before committing to marriage.

If you're not convinced, it might be worthwhile finding out more about his relationship with his parents. If he comes from a very loving family, chances are he will not be over eager to marry since he has plenty of love and support from home. If I'm not mistaken, most people who rush blindly into marriage do so because they do not receive the love they needed from their family, prompting them to find it elsewhere.

At the end of it all, do keep in mind that a happy marriage where both parties are ready for a life together is better than one which got off on the wrong foot and ends a few years later in divorce and legal battles.

So you have been together 3 years. and he won't buy a condo for another year at least (so 4 years). And wants to live alone for at least a year after that (5 years).

In my mind, he has had plenty of time to decide whether he wants to be a couple and live together or marry. And at the end of that 2 years, it could be another 2 years, or never.

He is very comfortable now, living at home having his domestic needs taken care of by his mother, regular sex and companionship with you, only a part time job and school. So he is content and getting his needs met, and probably sees living together/marriage as a responsbility that doesn't add to his happiness rather detract from him, so no skin off his back if he continues to live this way for years.

My suggestion is to tell him the lifestyle you want to lead is with a partner who lives with you, not with his parents. And if he doesn't want to do that anytime soon, then you aren't compatible in your needs and perhaps it is time to move on (which it might be).

So I don't think he is afraid of commitment, i think he is afraid his life won't be as comfortable as it is now for him. He is living with his parents and making choices, but those choices always put your needs last, and you need to think about whether that is ok with you or not and act accordingly.

Thank you for your replies so far.

To comment on them: I feel that I am at the point in my life that I am ready for a relationship in which I live with my boyfriend/husband and we share a life together. And to be honest, I want this with my boyfriend because I love him more than anything. But if he is not ready and willing to take our relationship to the next level any time soon and does not consider my needs in his plans then I am not sure I can continue with him. I know there are many guys out there who would love commitment and to share their life with a girl they love, and I want to find one of them.

BeStrongBeHappy: I completely agree with you and that is what I have been worried about. My boyfriend has it so easy living at home, where his mom cooks and cleans and even sometimes does his laundry. He needs to grow up and get out of the house, but I feel he is stalling because he has it so good at home. He won't even move out for another year despite saying he wants to move out for the past couple years already.

I am not happy with him always putting my needs and desires last. I feel I have been really patient and understanding with him thus far. I have never even discussed moving things along until very recently which I think it reasonable as we have been together for more than 2.5 years now.

I have never even discussed moving things along until very recently which I think it reasonable as we have been together for more than 2.5 years now.

I think since you just brought it up very recently, you owe him a bit more time. Had you been discussing this for a while, that would be another issue. It strikes me kind of strange that he would not reconsider buying a condo TOGETHER in 2 years as "your condo" instead of buying a condo and living alone for a little while and just hop you in on the side as in "oh, you are a roomate here".

I think since you just brought it up very recently, you owe him a bit more time. Had you been discussing this for a while, that would be another issue. It strikes me kind of strange that he would not reconsider buying a condo TOGETHER in 2 years as "your condo" instead of buying a condo and living alone for a little while and just hop you in on the side as in "oh, you are a roomate here".

I would not be living with him in his condo as I have my own apartment and would continue to live here until we get married. But it also makes me very sad that he won't consider buying a condo together at the time (in 2 years or less) and building a life together. I really feel like he is not excited about one day living together and sharing a life. If anything he seems very stressed out about it all...

He isn't financially ready to take you up on your commitment. You stated you already finished school, and want to work on your relationship goals while he in still working on his educational goals and balancing it with his relationship goals. You never know, ultramitely (check spelling >

It seems to me that he is just beating around the bush.

Some say that he isnt in the place in his life where he is ready to make that type of commitment but he also made those choices that have brought him where he is at. He is 27 years old and still in school. Maybe if he had already received a degree and working on his masters, etc, then that would be more understandable. But since he has put the education responsibility off to the side he has to accept the consequences that come with it.

Now as far as him living with his parents... I think you should question his dependent level on his mother. Do you really see yourself marrying a "BOY" who at 27 years old really has no desire to get out in the real world and support himself. If yall get married how is he supposed to support YOU? Are you going to take over the role as his mother and he will be nothing more than you little boy rather than your husband??

I think all of these are red flags that you need to sit down by yourself and ask yourself if yall are REALLY compatible. You may love him but love doesnt always make a marriage work. Do you really want to marry someone that doesnt even seem to be able to take care of themself?? Really, truly, figure out YOUR personal feelings on this matter, love aside, and decide what you want to do.

I would not be living with him in his condo as I have my own apartment and would continue to live here until we get married. But it also makes me very sad that he won't consider buying a condo together at the time (in 2 years or less) and building a life together. I really feel like he is not excited about one day living together and sharing a life. If anything he seems very stressed out about it all...

I would also suggest moving in with your partner before you marry him, this guy especially. You need to see what your life would be like married. Are you going to have to take over all of his mothers chores? Do his laundry? Clean up after him?

I really feel for you in this situation because I have very similar feelings much of the time. I am 28 with a very stable career, friend base, etc. and my boyfriend is only 24. He is in grad school and is living off loans. He just started and has met a ton of new friends and his life has been turned upside down. He is back living with his parents because of the financial strain of grad school. Because of (1) his age and (2) his situation as a student, he also seems to show signs of commitment-phobia. He said he isn't even thinking about marriage or kids and even though I have never said anything to him about it, he is afraid that I want that to happen soon and he is nowhere close to being ready. Granted we have only been with each other for a few months, but are very serious.

What I've realized is that STABILITY plays a huge role in willingness to commit. Like you, I am done with my education, climbing up the corporate ladder, feeling the need to prove myself. My boyfriend is just beginning! He is now in debt from loans and tuition, lives at home and needs to work hard for the next 4 years to do well and land a successful job in a very competitive market. It serves him well to make THAT his focus ... and I support that. I think its not so much about him not loving YOU as much, its more about just getting to a place where he is stable and not dependent on you. My boyfriend says many times that he is not comfortable being so dependent on me. Again, perhaps that is because we have not been together as long.

In your situation, if things are going well, I say to stick with it. If you love him as much as you say you do, then it is worth it, and him bettering himself right now to learn will help him to feel good about himself and provide for you in the future. So as a long term goal, it benefits you to be patient. That is what I have told myself, anyway. I know there are not a shortage of guys, but my boyfriend is the one I want to be with. It's a long haul and very risky, because his is "in transition" but to me, its worth the risk. If you evaluate this and feel the same, stick with it.

Good luck.

I agree with the people who have said he has had plenty of time to decide and you are now more than justified in taking steps for your own happiness.

I think scale back the time you spend overnight to just one night a week and have a think about whether it's time to let him know that if he's not ready for marriage - you with great regret may have to say that the timing on your relationship is no longer right and its time to move on - at least for now.