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resignation blues


denise_14

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Resignation Blues...

 

i never thought i will ever feel this way again - SO UNPRODUCTIVE.

 

the reason why i hurried on to getting a job right after graduating from college is that i wanted to be very busy in order to forget him. i did! but only for a while. only during office hours when i'm struggling over my daily quota (2,800 words of web copy)... only during dinner time because of the engaging conversations with my family... only during Sundays when i'm hearing mass... but other than that, there's no way i can forget him.

 

I wish that my brod would call me up right now to tell me of the good news - that i can start with my new job by next week. You see, even though i seem so pathetic here because of my ex, i still have the capacity to make good decisions. i will not resign if i don't have a prospective employer in mind. Actually, everything is set. i'm now just waiting for the final approval of my brod's (and my soon to be) boss.

 

I'm gonna receive a higher salary with this new job. The nature of work is exciting for the reason that it has VARIETY. compared to my sooo boring work as a writer in my former job, i'm going to travel a lot and meet people! isn't that amazing?!!

 

I can't wait to start with my new job and get rid of all these resignation blues... I can't wait to receive a higher pay.... I can't wait to travel...

 

I can't wait to be busy again...busy enough to forget him...even for a while.

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If journals were men's best friends, then ENA must've left me 'friendless' a long time ago. So now, I'm back with a resolution: to come up with journal entries REGULARLY. The question is, how regular is regular? Hmmm

 

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My superior told me I can opt not to report for work today (I'm glad he thought of that). It's a kinda weird arrangement. I've been going to the office since Wednesday of last week, but my appointment is not yet effective. That means, I've worked for 5 days with no pay. What was I thinking? Everything's all set except for the results of the Medical Exam. The contract couldn't be finalized unless the results show that I'm 'FIT TO WORK'. Employment procedures. Crap.

 

There's a lot of work to be accomplished in the division so even if I'm not yet officially on board, they've already given me tasks, which i gladly fulfilled. Well, I've got no choice. My superior is my fraternity brod and the reason why I got in the company easily is because of his help (talk about bureaucracy). I might as well do him the favor.

 

I also thought that it would be my chance to impress him (and his boss) and prove to them that they made the right choice of hiring me. Unfortunately, my work was far from being impressive. He made a lot of revisions.

 

Darn! I'm feeling so down. I've always been commended for a job well done in my previous work. Now, I feel I'm a disappointment. I tried to gain back my self esteem over the weekend. Monday came, I was given new tasks. I did my best with the thought of redeeming my self. I hope I did.

 

So yesterday I was told that the results were not yet in, thanks to the "very efficient" HR personnel. My superior told me that we might as well just wait until the contract's ready. I'm glad he realized it's not a good idea to make me work with no pay yet.

 

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Good thing my dear friend ENA doesn't mind if I only get to visit and write entries when I'm feeling down, or when I simply have nothing to do. Maybe that's what I mean by REGULARLY....

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Me: Hey! Are you driving to the city this weekend? Let's catch Boys Like Girls at the mall...

Him: Yeah, but it's the wedding of my sister...

Me: Who? the one who looks like you? This Saturday?

Him: Ahuh... bring on the thunder...

Me: Sad. wrong timing...

Him: I went to the city a couple of times already, it's just now that you asked...hehe...

 

Was it my fault that it's only now when I've mustered enough guts to ask him out? Yes. Maybe it's my fault.

 

This guy's soooo hard to read. I remember it was him who asked for some space because we're drifting farther and farther apart. I didn't want to, but I agreed. Since then, I text and call him less often than I used to. It even came to a point wherein we'll go NC for a week or two.

 

Sometimes, he'll be the one to text me first; there are times that it's me. Even though I want to talk to him everyday, ask how he's been, what he's doing as of the moment, if he already ate dinner, etc. etc.... I am reluctant. Why? because his replies give me the impression that he doesn't care at all.

 

A few days ago, after hours of composing a text message (I ended up with a simple I miss you, though) and a couple of minutes more before I finally pressed the SEND button, I was very disappointed because he didn't seem to appreciate it anyway.

 

He said:

 

You say you miss me but not once have you asked how I've been doing. Good night...

Sorry, okay! Do you hear me? Yeah, it's my fault. It has always been. But I still love you...](*,)

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Just thought of making a shout out... HAPPY GRANDPARENTS' DAY!!!

 

To the folks responsible for bringing our parents into this world who, after a few years, made love and so we are here now, kicking a**...

Enjoy your day!

 

No doubt about it, they deserve all the happiness and contentment. I envy them for being able to surpass daily life struggles. Let me share some of my insights...

 

Life is not everything about you, in fact life is LARGER than you. You are just a speck in its grandeur. It doesn't stop even if...

...you got a flat tire

...you failed an exam

...you missed the championship

...you got fired in your job

...your parents disowned you

...your partner left you

...your kids abandoned you

 

LIFE goes on... and so must you. Don't be left out. Be thankful for every waking day. Be happy you can still experience LIFE!

 

A few decades from now I'll also grow white hairs (sign of wisdom) and I hope to be remembered not only by my grandchildren but also by everyone else I met along in this journey.

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I wonder how some people can become so inconsiderate and rude!

In my earlier entries, I've mentioned about me resigning from a writing job (which now proved to be the best decision I've made just yet!). Now, I'm going to reiterate how thankful I am for breaking free from all that sh***.

 

Pay day is every 3rd and 18th of the month. My last day of work fell on the 20th. So technically, I still worked for two days ( the 19th and 20th) and I am still entitled to receive my salary on the 3rd of September.

 

A few days ago, I asked a favor from two of my former office mates to claim my pay check along with my clearance. I just found out that until now, the HR Supervisor still hasn't endorsed my check and clearance, and today is already the 8th of September (yeah it's Mama Mary's birthday as observed by most Catholics, and it's so untimely to be raged...)

 

So I texted the HR Supervisor twice but she ain't responding. I'm so pissed off! If she's doing her job then I suppose my check should've been ready by the 3rd of September, unless she intentionally didn't include me in the payroll anymore. Why the hell will she do that? Records show that I still reported for work and submitted my quota for the 19th and 20th of August. Up to the last minute, I exerted effort and came up with articles that meet company standards. I deserve to get paid.

 

What if I went to the office on the 3rd to claim my salary? So it means I'll go home empty handed? Darn! I really hate the admin.! Now I understand why I've read about a lot of negative feedbacks about the company (from the blogs of their former writers).

 

You may say it's so petty of me to run after a 'two-day salary'. Actually, it's really just a small amount (that I'm bound to spend with one single visit to Starbuck's). If she doesn't want to give me my salary, fine! It's just so disappointing. She could've at least responded to my texts out of courtesy and told me that I won't be receiving any pay anymore. I'd appreciate that.

 

Well, looking at the brighter side of it, I'm just really happy that I've already resigned from that company. My new job is way, way, way cooler than that crap! Even if the application procedure and contract signing took quite a longer time, the admin. is definitely more effective and I will be compensated accordingly.

 

I pity the other writers that are still in that company. I hope they get out of the dark really soon. If there's one thing I'd miss about my former job though, it's the people I've worked with - the other underpaid writers struggling over an inhumane quota of 2,800 words per day. Hands down to our Text Content Services Department Manager. You deserve a better job than that! If it wasn't for you, I could have just did AWOL right after I got my salary last 18th of August and no longer reported for two more days for free...

 

and to the HR Supervisor and admin... shame on you!

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After feeling really upset because of the HR Supervisor I mentioned earlier, I wanted some comfort food. I was craving for cheesecake, but couldn't find any. Wait! I remember the box of Krispy Kreme I bought last Saturday. I wish no one ate the blueberry cheesecake variant...

 

Haha! No one did! Lucky me...

 

Cheesecakes (along with doughnuts, ice cream, caramel bars, and all the sweet stuff) are like friends, they make me feel better. The photo below (yummy) is one I actually shared with my sorority sisters some time in March of this year. I really miss hanging around with the girls. In as much as I would love to visit the University every time they hold an activity, work always gets in the way!

 

Books, booze, boys! Ah... college days. I really miss being a student. For the most part, I miss the company of my sorority sisters way back in college. I could just imagine what the scenario would be like if we were hanging out in my apartment right now. Everyone will be trying to get a bite of the blueberry cheesecake doughnut! How chaotic! Now, I've got no one to share this piece with...

 

Cheesy...

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…these were the essential elements of last night.

 

In the midst of the nothingness and laziness of the evening, I suddenly received a text message that says Hi. I did not know this number. When I changed my number and unit last summer, I lost several contacts. I asked who s/he was. It was my good ol’ friend Tricia!

 

I thought I had her number saved in my phonebook. C’mon. What was I thinking? People change their numbers. I just did, so why can’t she? I knew this exchange of text messages is bound to last until midnight so I hurriedly subscribed to the unlimited texting service of my network provider.

 

Darn I missed her! It’s been so long since we last talked... like 3 years? We’ve been friends since I was 12. We studied in the same school. After a few how are you’s and what have you been doing’s , we decided to meet up some time and have some drink. She told me to just text her any time the booze is ready. Wow! So it’s me who’s responsible to organize the reunion? She replied “Coz it’s you who’s got money. Lol.” Gee. I may have successfully landed in an esteemed company that gives a relatively high salary, but I’ve also got freakin' bills to pay!

 

As we went on with the conversation, she asked about my ex. Not him. Her. Yes. I was once involved in a same-sex relationship. I wasn’t surprised though that Tricia brought this up. She’s among the very, very few people who knew and whom I can talk to with regarding this topic. She is a bisexual.

 

Oh well, I never thought I will ever talk about this again. It’s a thing of the past. It’s the chapter of my life that has already gotten its conclusion. The ex Tricia was referring to, she ended up as my friend. I had a reunion with her last month because my office in my previous work is situated near hers. During the times we ate lunch together or took the same bus on our way home from work, I had this feeling that she still loves me. Tricia confirmed my intuitions. I believe they had the chance to talk about me.

 

As for me, I’m completely over the relationship. I am straight; I can’t picture myself falling for another female. Not again. Not anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against same sex relationships. I also experienced having one, and it taught me a lot. It taught me about love in the deepest sense. When you are in love, you love a person, not a male or a female per se. It also taught me what I really want and who I really am. I am a woman destined for a man.

 

Tricia is one of the most open-minded people in the world. She completely understands and respects me, although she doesn’t deny that she feels for my ex and she still hopes that we’ll get back together (or other miracles of that sort).

 

I told Tricia about the man I love. I said she can google him to find out how much of a hottie he is. She actually did, at that very moment. She hadn’t changed one bit – still impulsive. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t find any photo of him. The search engine only directed her to a forum that includes a discussion of my guy and how he is the hottest fratman that ever walked our University, and to the Veterinary Licensure Exam results wherein he ranked 30th.

 

I wasn’t able to tell Tricia much about him because she fell asleep in the middle of our text conversation. Oh well, I ain’t mad. I realized that it’s been a while since the last time I stayed up this late and I needed to hit the sack as well…

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My weekend is almost over.

 

When I was still a student, I was always looking forward to Mondays. Technically the first day of the weekdays, Monday is the best time to make an impression in class (hand in that clever assignment and woo your professor!), display a new outfit, and talk with friends and classmates about how you spent an awesome weekend partying all Saturday night and eating mom's specialty cookies on Sunday afternoon.

 

Now that I'm already in the corporate world, Monday marks another dreadful week of dealing with bosses, accomplishing reports, meeting deadlines, and stressing over what smart and serious business attire to wear the next day.

 

Why all these negative vibes?? Take 'em away! I have a job and that's all that matters. I should be happy I do not belong in the unemployed population of the country. Well yes, I am happy and thankful for the opportunity. It's just that the workplace gives me anxiety and pressure. Ever since I moved in to my new office, I feel that I'm not doing well. There's something wrong. I'm intimidated by the presense of all the other more experienced employees. It drives me crazy.

 

This can be attributed to the following factors

 

1. I've consistently performed well in the University and I've handled notable positions in my organizations. I was even the Head of our sorority during my senior year in college. Maybe, I already forgot what it feels like to be a subordinate.

 

2. As a Communication major, I am expected to be working in the Media and in other related industries. I am now working in an Agricultural/Pharmaceutical Industry. I think I'm out of place.

 

3. My love life's a mess. It could've been a lot better if I had someone to talk to with after work...someone to comfort me, to cuddle with at night and help me relax, forget about my troubles, and make me feel loved. His absense changes everything.

 

At the end of the day, it all boils down to missing my honey...

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Last night I had a good time. We celebrated the birthday of our big boss (the Department Manager). It was my first time to actually drink with my work mates.

 

Today I don't know. I still feel that I'm not doing anything good at all (in the workplace, that is). I need to please my boss. Since I am his sis, he gave me an opportunity to work for their company. I don't want him to regret having hired me.

 

I have yet to decide what I'm gonna wear tomorrow. I must go shopping because I'm running out of corporate attire. Maybe shopping will help lessen my anxieties.

 

I need money for shopping. I need a job for financial stability. I have a job, obviously. A career? We'll see...

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Nothing in life is learned without hardships and sufferings...

 

It's been a few weeks now since I moved in to my new office, and I guess I'm already getting used to my new work environment. It really just takes extra effort to move out of my comfort zones. I now understand that it'll take time before I completely imbibe the new system and love my job. I've read my previous entries; I think I've been complaining a lot about my job and what's going on with work. It's a sucker attitude and I kinda hated myself for that. Now, I promise to be more optimistic...and I'm starting with this one

 

All fired up!

 

Yesterday, before I left the office, I had a few minutes of chit-chat with my boss/brod. We talked about the successful flair activity spearheaded by our sorority last Thursday which he was able to attend to (I wasn't able to attend because the birthday of my mom falls on the same date). I can't help but feel proud because it was me who actually thought of such activity when I was still the Head. I'm glad the residents decided to pursue on it.

 

I can't help but recall my sorority days in college. Ah! Fond memories. I had to go through a lot of hardships when I was still a neophyte. Then there were even more hardships once I got in. Nevertheless, it was all worth it. The sorority serves as an excellent training ground in preparation for the real world - life after college.

 

True enough, my boss has high expectations of me especially because I became Head of the sorority. I will do my best so as not to disappoint him.

 

Tomorrow, the brods have an activity and I'm excited because I will be able to attend it. I already missed out a lot of activities since I started working. I'll make it up to them. I'm quite nervous because I believe my ex will also attend the activity. If he does, then this will be our first encounter since we last saw each other a year ago. I dunno what's gonna happen. I'm not expecting anything, but, a simple smile from him is enough to send shivers to my bones.

 

I also underwent a lot of hardships in terms of my love life. Well, I'm not really done with my struggles so to speak. I'm not sure if we'll ever get back together. I don't even know if he still cares. However, one thing is certain - I learned a lot from the relationship and it has made me a better person.

 

If you ask me how I'm doing right now and what has been the effect of all the messy stuff I've been through as a result of my foolish actions, this is my honest reply: I'm not happier, but I'm wiser. Whether in love or career wise, I guess we really have to learn things the harder way.

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No work tomorrow - it's a local holiday. This means I can stay up a little late tonight. Aside from hanging out here in the forum, I'll be doing some advance work. I brought my office laptop with me so I can work from home. They say an idle mind is a devil's workshop, so might as well do something productive.

 

Well, this is not really how I planned to spend my mid-week vacation. Supposedly, I will process my driver's license tomorrow. I changed my mind because I found out that it would take an entire day.

 

The only difference is that I'm exempted from taking the practical exam. Other than that, it's just as if I transacted business legally. Damn! I though I would just go there and have my picture taken, the fixer will do the rest. Then I'll just come back some other day to claim it. She said I still need to stay longer. How come? I'm gonna spend bucks for an under-the-table arrangement and it would still take me that long? No way! I will no longer get her service.

 

I know I'm not setting a good example here. People like me who resort to fixers for speedier processing from government offices contribute a great deal to corruption... but for convenient's sake, can you blame me? Government offices are so inneffective. Well, I understand why employees there are not doing their job well. They are underpaid.

 

It would take forever if I'll transact business legally, so I'm willing to spend dirty money. However, after my telcon with the fixer, I realized that I'm not getting the right value for my money. I'm not foolish to fall for this trap. I need someone who can instantly give me my license.

 

I realized that you can't really put your trust to a corrupt government employee/official..but, nope...I didn't learn my lesson yet. I don't plan to resort to a legal transaction. I will look for a better fixer. lol!

 

I believe it's too late to find a replacement...my driver's license has to wait.

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Fabulous Friday…

 

My younger brother was part of a musical play produced by their high school PTA in time for the University’s centennial celebration. Being an alumna, and as moral support for my bro, I dragged my parents to watch the gala performance with me. They picked me up from my office after 5 and we headed straight to the school auditorium. It was a great show and we had a great time! Kudos bro! I’m glad he joined the cast and gained wonderful experience (the kind of learning not confined within the four walls and corners of a classroom).

 

I though the night was over; I was so wrong! At the audi’s lobby, I saw one of my sorority sisters. She studies in a different campus (but same university as mine) and she joined our sorority’s chapter established in their campus, that’s why I was quite surprised to see her around. What’s even more surprising is when I found out she’s now with Carlos – one of my ultimate campus crushes! I wanted to faint! Carlos belongs to another fraternity – the rival of our counterpart frat, that is. Even if I had a huge crush on him, I knew it won’t go anywhere farther because I am loyal to my brods and because of conflicting ideals. I’m contented to just looking at him from afar. Anyway, it’s just a simple crush, nothing serious. Nevertheless, seeing him holding hands with one of my sisters was indeed overwhelming!

 

I immediately texted my friend (also my sister from the same chapter) to report what I saw. She was surprised to death as I am, lol! She told me that she’s also just around the campus (nope, she didn’t watch the play; she came to see her boyfriend). Gracious! We had no idea we’re just a few meters apart!

 

The night was filled with surprises indeed! Aside from Dina, Fibs – a brod from another chapter/school – was also within the vicinity! He texted me, inviting me to come over at another brod’s place for some drinks!

 

Fibs…he’s hot and he rocks (literally, he has a band). I met him a year ago. Dina and I went to their school to visit their chapter. He is interesting and attractive. Since then, we have become text mates. We’ve planned to meet up a couple of times already but it never did materialize. He’s inviting me again, and I can’t miss this chance tonight! Yes! I’ll meet up with you. Silly me! I almost forgot that I’m with my parents!

 

It wouldn’t be a great idea to tell my parents that they can go ahead and I won’t be going home with them tonight 'coz I plan to stay and drink with Fibs. Thank goodness Dina was so supportive. She met up with me and asked my parents if I can stay so that we can have some ‘girl bonding’. (That’s a big lie, though. The girl bonding thingy can wait. Dina was there to spend quality time with her bf. As for me, I wanted to be with Fibs.)

 

My parents said yes. Whew! Now I’m free! When my parents left, Fibs came to pick me up. Dina and I parted ways with our respective dates (and with smiles on our faces). Fibs and I joined the rest of the brods and drank until around 3 am, then we headed off to his house...

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I really don’t know what has gotten into my mind. Everything wasn’t planned. All I wanted was to watch the play, as it is a good way to unwind from a tiring week of office work. I did not intend to meet up with Dina, nor lie to my parents, drink with my brods. However, I ended up with the company of Fibs and even agreed to stay in his place.

 

I like him, that’s for sure. We clicked the first time we met. Well, I’ve always enjoyed the company of my brods because, as their sis, they treat me really well. Going out with Fibs, however, is a different story. Even though we don’t see each other (in fact this was only our second encounter), we text a little too often. He’s extra nice and sweet to me as compared with how he treats other sisters. There are instances when we’d exchange flirty messages, but of course most of the time we’ll talk plain nonsense. There’s nothing really serious going on between me and Fibs. He’s just my brod and I’m just his sis.

 

That night, I felt strange and excited. I’ve always wanted to do this – break free and forget about my troubles and heart aches…even for a while. From my other posts and previous journal entries, it can be gleaned that I’m still in love with my ex. This is a very tough stage in my life – an inner battle, a state of temporary insanity, a perfect expression of martyrdom for love – whatever you may call it. I never want to give up on my feelings for him, no matter how hopeless getting back again with him may seem… but of course, there are moments when I just want to have some time off, like drift away to dreamland.

 

After a few minutes of chitchat and playing with his pet cat, I said that I’m already sleepy. He turned the lights off. A guy and a girl left alone together in a room…what was I thinking? Although I refuse to think that something’s bound to happen (well, I’m the type who can sleep in a room with male friends as if they were female friends), I know that if ever he makes a move, I’m not so sure if I can resist him. I’m admittedly attracted to him, that’s why! Likewise, this is the point in my life when I feel so deprived of love (and all the good stuff that go with being in love and in a relationship). I’ve been single for almost a year. I even have already forgotten how it feels like to wake up in the morning with someone's arms wrapped around my waist.

 

So I slept with Fibs, literally. the scared and stupid I’m-gonna-wait- until-my-wedding-day-virgin that I am, nothing happened. Of course, a little intimacy was inevitable. Hugging, kissing, petting, touching. Everything felt so right.

 

As the morning light summoned us to wake up, we were in a cuddling position and never wanted to let go. If only I didn’t need to go home, I could’ve just stayed there forever. When I got home, I couldn’t get him (and everything else that had happened) off my head. I don’t want to fall in love with him, but it is possible. We're both single.

 

I’m happy. I feel guilty. I’m going nuts! Thing is, I might have appeased my mind and body through Fibs, but still, I’m nowhere near in fulfilling the desire of my heart - my ex, Phil. ](*,)

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I just received my pay slip last Monday. Well, I haven't withdrawn the cash yet since I just got my card yesterday and my PIN is not yet activated (I'm obviously lazy and I don't wanna go over the counter). It's a little hassle 'coz I needed to open a new account for the payroll. Now, I've got mutiple bank accounts and cards (credit cards, ATM cards, and all other cards and IDs) are eatin' up my wallet space.

 

I've got the dough! Just in time for my birthday on the 15th. By the way, the 15th is another pay day. I've got more than enough to spend. What's bugging me is that I don't really have plans on how I'm gonna celebrate my special day.

 

Definitely, I'll have dinner in a fancy resto with my family. Well, that's not so special, I mean, we'd do that whenever we have time. My birthday falls on a weekday so the least we can do as a family for a celebration is to dine out. I can opt to be on birthday leave, but it won't make much of a difference. Mom and dad will only be available only after work and my brother's in school and he stays in his dorm. Even if I don't go to office that day, I'll only get to spend time with them during the evening, so might as well just report for work during day time.

 

As for the office, I would just have to wait for the one-time big-time birthday treat, probably by the end of October, wherein all celebrants for the month chip in some money and avail of catering services to feed all the other office mates. I'll just have to save a portion of my salary and wait until someone collects my contribution.

 

Things are really different now. My friends and I are now all working and our schedules don't allow us to have the usual get-togethers when we want it, where we want it. My frat and sorority buddies are easier to gather though (thank goodness!). Just give them a beep, tell 'em there's booze, and they'll be at the place in no time.

 

I want to spend time with my ex on my special day. I hope he's still not oblivious of the fact that my birthday is on the 15th. I'm willing to spend half of my monthly earnings if it meant having a grand time with him. However, I don't think he's actually looking forward to that day as much as I am. I'm not even sure if he'd still bother to give me a call on my birthday.

 

Might as well just donate my extra bucks to charity. What a meaningful birthday would that be! Right? Sigh...

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Early this morning, I received a funny text message saying that, since it's already October, it's about time to wake up the person who sang "Wake me up when September ends"... lol!

 

Time flies so quickly indeed. It was just like yesterday when I signed a contract for my current employer. I didn't notice that I've been working in the company for a month already! Whew! Seems like it's taking quite a longer time for me to adjust. I still feel like an out-of-place newbie.

 

I'm feeling the chills and I've been hearing a few Christmas songs being played on the radio this early. The -ber months are here, and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

 

September of last year was filled with pains and tears. It was during this time when a lot of confrontations, betrayals, and heart aches took place. I completely lost the man I love. Well, we actually broke up on August, but I didn't consider it to be the end just yet. A lot of things were still going on...we were still trying to save it... until we realized that there's really no way that it's gonna work for now.

 

You could just imagine how even more painful October was. It felt like my birthday wasn't worth celebrating at all. Then came November. My grandfather passed away because of cancer. That was a great loss for my family.

 

December. Christmas. The most awaited time of the year. It's supposed to be filled with love and cheers. We managed to celebrate still, keeping in mind the essense of the occasion - the coming of Christ, but I have to admit, it's not the kind of Christmas I was expecting then.

 

Now, it's all coming back to me. I'm feeling exactly the same way as if it's 2007. I won't lose hope though. Things will get better. I will become happier. December 2008... I will make a change.

 

I will prepare my heart and soul for His coming.

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Nothing compares to the feeling of being of help to other people! This afternoon, my boss asked me to coordinate with this farmer/extension worker who is requesting for some information about our product. I gladly obliged. I provided the necessary information as requested. The farmer said "Thank you very much and more power." I can opt not to respond anymore, however, I felt like doing an extra deed so I replied "Thank you sir. If you have more questions or if you need assistance, don't hesitate to contact us. Good day" (at my own expense). He was very pleased and he appreciated the courtesy. He said that it was so nice of me. How rewarding was the feeling!

 

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I had lunch out with one of my office mates. He's from another department, but he is close to my boss and to other people within our department. He often passes by our wing. We would text once in a while, and he is very vocal in telling me that I am pretty and hot, but in a nice manner (not at all annoying). Being the outgoing and friendly person that I am, I said yes when he asked if we could hang out and have gimmicks once in a while.

 

While eating our lunch, we had a great conversation. I'm just 20 (turning 21 next week) and he's already 31, but getting along with him wasn't difficult at all. Well, I am not surprised at myself, I really enjoy the company of older men. I'm not sure if I should stop being too nice because he might think that he has chances, should he decide to pursue on me, but I love free lunches and he seems to be just after friendship so I'll just enjoy the blessings for now.

 

It really pays to be pretty, every Adam in the office is so thoughtful, lol!

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The alumni homecoming was great. I love reunions. New faces. Old faces. You get to interact with new members in the fold. You get updates from what's going on in the lives of people whom you've temporarily parted ways with upon leaving the portals of the University.

 

I saw him. He seemed okay. Well, he always looked okay, but he never looked my way He, amongst all others, is the reason why I was looking forward to this gathering.

 

After hours of spilling the cheers and beers, it's time to pack up. The others who left the venue still headed to a bar. My group, on the other hand, preferred to just stay in the room reserved for us. It has always been like this - at the end of the day, I'm left with this set of sisters. There are no factions, it's just that we, apart from being sorority sisters, are also very good friends. Well, there's really no problem in going with the others at the bar. We just thought that maybe this is a better way to bond. You know, sometimes you just don't feel like experiencing the flickering lights, dancing crowd, and loud music. You can hardly hear the other person talking.

 

It's way better here. What more can we ask for? Cozy room, food and drinks, fantastic view, cool breeze at the pool side...

 

He's staying at room 4, with two other brods; we were at room 1. We invited them to join us finish off that bottle of brandy. They did. Once in a while, we looked into each other's eyes.

 

We were up until around 3 am. The next day, I woke up early, 6am. It was so cold inside the room even if Dina already turned off the AC. I went out and stayed by the porch. It's warm. The sunrise was awesome.

 

I intentionally woke up early because I wanted to see him before he leaves. His SUV was still at the parking area. I looked towards the direction of room 4. Perhaps he's still sound asleep.

 

This resort-hotel...we used to check-in in this place. I can't help but reminisce. If we were still together, probably we're sharing the same bed, and still cuddled up at 6am. Obviously, a lot has changed. We occupied two different rooms.

 

Breakfast was served. The other brod joined us eat. The other one already left. He still hasn't come out. All the time I was looking at the door of room 4, waiting for him to come out.

 

It never opened. I left the table and returned to the porch. I felt empty. I gazed in the nothingness. He passed by. He smiled. He's now leaving. I said "take care". He smiled again, and then headed to his SUV.

 

If we were still together, he would drive me home.

 

That night, he texted me.

 

"It was nice seeing you again. Friends?"

 

I didn't reply. I don't wanna be your friend. If only we were still together...

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The hardest thing to do is having nothing to do at all...

 

Alone again here in the office. I've got nothing to do because my immediate superior didn't left me with any task. He didn't even call. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do. I've still got 5 more hours to spend in here! I can't leave early because I won't be entitled to a whole-day's pay.

 

Sometimes I really wish my work is output-based. You know, those kinds of job wherein you don't really need to stay in the office from 8 to 5 as long as you've done your assigned task and you've got the means to work from home (or somewhere else aside from the office). Well, my former writing job was sort of like that. We can come in the office as late as 10am and leave at whatever time of the day as long as we are able to turn in our daily quota. Sounds cool at first, right? I thought so too.

 

2800 words/day. Articles that require great amount of research, editing and proofreading to serve the needs of the clients. Each client has their own demands. Whatever. I didn't even understand the stuff that I'm writing about. When I was still a writer for that company, I arrive in the office as early as 7:30, with high hopes that the earlier I start, the earlier will I be able to finish my quota and go home. Turns out, I still leave at 5:30pm. Flexible time - this was a big joke. If there was one thing missing in my life then, it was work-life balance.

 

Now, I've got more time for myself. I'm able to bring back my social life - going out on gimmicks and attending parties and reunions once in a while. I've got a higher salary sans the stress and mental torture.

 

Our wing was re-arranged. Now we've got more space and privacy. My table is no longer just accross the pantry door wherein from time to time people walk in and out and those who pass by can easily view what I'm working on in my laptop. Lucky me, I still haven't been caught viewing ENA or doing other stuff not related with work.

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I'm among those who usually put smileys especially at the end of text messages. Aside from the fact that they are cute, I think they also help get my message accross more effectively and convey emotions strongly.

 

Of course, it's a different story if I'm texting my boss or other VIPs. Smileys won't give a professional impression. Other than that though, smileys have become an integral part of written (or rather digital/electronic) communication.

 

And so? Am I trying to justify why smileys can be a worthy topic (and title) for a journal entry? Not really. Just trying to make an introduction.

 

There came to a point when my ex and I would stop using smileys when we text each other. He would use smileys when he texts anybody but me. I just started to notice that he doesn't put smileys in his messages anymore. I asked him why. He said that it's his new year's resolution. It lessens the chance of him getting hurt.

 

My interpretation of this was that he wants to keep distant and hide his true feelings. At first, I felt really weird and upset about it, but I got used to it anyway. I also no longer used smileys everytime I text him. The message is clear. We're not okay.

 

It went like that for almost 10 months. Yesterday it was my birthday. He greeted me. I said that I've got a request since it's my birthday anyway. I asked him if we could bring back the smileys from this day on 'coz I really missed them.

 

He didn't say yes or no. Then, we were exchanging text messages the whole day of yesterday. We were just planning to meet up tomorrow with some other friends to celebrate my birthday.

 

Still no smileys.

 

Before I finally hit the sac, I texted him goodnight and thanks. To my surprise, he replied with a "hope you had a blast" and..ta-dah! there's a smiley at the end!

 

Are we now okay?

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I first heard this song being performed live by Boys Like Girls, but I knew this wasn't their song (it's frou frou's). It's probably a personal favorite that's why they opt to include it in their repertoire.

 

Since then, the melody resonates in my head. I like it a lot. I googled for the lyrics. Search engines kinda messed the results with another song entitled Beauty in the Breakdown, one that I haven't really heard of yet, but I will try to stream for it as soon as I get home.

 

drink up, baby down

mmm, are you in or are you out

leave your things behind

'cause it's all going off without you

excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy

these mishaps

you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

 

so let go, jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so let go, just get in

oh, it's so amazing here

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

 

it gains the more it gives

and then it rises with the fall

so hand me that remote

can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

 

such boundless pleasure

we've no time for later now

you can't await your own arrival

you've 20 seconds to comply

 

so let go, jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so let go, just get in

oh, it's so amazing here

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

 

Breakdown. Kinda translates to pain... suffering. Where's the beauty in strife?

 

Some people who had their hearts broken are afraid to love again. Some who have not even loved at all are afraid to do so. Why? because they're afraid of getting hurt. Indeed, love is accompanied by hurt. So why love when getting hurt is a certainty?

 

It's normal to get hurt. Breakdown makes us human. Humane. Even if I experience the greatest bliss or the deepest hurt, I will continue to love. I'd rather be human than be among the countless, heartless zombies. The beauty of life is in realizing that WE ARE HUMAN. Yes, there is beauty in the breakdown...

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  • 2 weeks later...

After I've written about Smileys, I thought the succeeding entries would be feel good ones, guess I was wrong.

 

I don't know if he did that just to make me happy on my birthday. The next day, there were no longer smileys...again. Phil's back - the righteous, perfect, never letting his guards down Phil.

 

One of my good friends, Ian, whom I met up with last 24th, told me that probably, Phil is not over us, or at least not yet totally. I was made to believe the same thing for like ten solid months. Steadfast and sturdy.

 

I had a birthday bash last 17th. We were just a small, intimate group consisting of all-frat and sorority buddies. Phil was there, in fact, he shelled out a few bucks to pay for our bills (it was supposedly my blow-out, I know, but they insisted to pay for it..3 of them... i love you brods! hehe). Phil's got the dough; he doesn't mind donating some of his wealth on occasions like this. Still, there's a part of me that says he did that as a birthday treat FOR ME. I know this is a tough case of disillusionment on my end.

 

I am okay, I know. Thanks to my stressful job, my circle of friends, my family, and not to mention the inspiring and makes-you-wanna-think posts of SuperDave, I manage to get by. Life goes on, so they say. And yes, I am moving forward… definitely I'm not the type who wants to be left behind… but I think I left my heart somewhere… yeah, right there on the spot where and when he left me.

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When I was younger, I hate how it tastes. My mom usually gives me this concoction whenever I have an upset stomach (mind you, it works), so I always thought that tea is just a sort of remedy and not for normal, day-to-day consumption.

 

When I grew up though, I started to like tea. In fact, I didn’t notice it already took the place of coffee during breakfast. Tea is healthy. It’s got lots of anti-oxidants. It helps me burn fat. It keeps me mentally alert. It also helps me relax. Regardless of variant - black, green, brisk, herbal-infused, milk, flavoured - I don’t really care. Gulp!

 

I am a tea person. Actually, I can use this as an excuse (yeah it’s lame) for those “let’s go out and have some coffee” invitations from guys whom I don't find interesting. Well, I also drink coffee…frappes are the best, especially if you just wanna chill out but you realized you can no longer take in more booze. Still, I’m choosing tea over coffee.

 

Phil is also a tea person. I used to keep him company when he was still reviewing for the Licensure Exam. We would share a few cups, along with a little chat. You know, savor the little moments as these are actually the best things in life. He even wrote my name in a Lipton tag, which I still keep in my wallet up to now. (Here I go again, quit reminiscing! ](*,))

 

Tea also kept me company when I was struggling with my thesis and studying for my exams way back college days. It has always been helpful, and up to now, it's a mainstay in the office pantry. Take a sip!

 

Not everything beautiful and good in life is sweet...

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  • 2 weeks later...

to one of the most beautiful persons in the world that I've ever met, (beautiful inside and out) Dina! Well, I'm a bit too advanced here 'coz your birthday is still on the 16th but... never mind!

 

This gal is truly amazing, she's my sorority sister and my dependable friend. We've been through a lot (you could just imagine). I couldn't picture how college would be like without having you beside me, darling!

 

I'm very excited for our celebration on the 21st! The place to be:

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I've got 15 days left before my project employment contract for this company ends. It feels strange. Lately I've been complaining a lot (not here in ENA, but to myself and to my friends) about how I'm no longer happy with my job. When I was still a neophyte for my sorority, I hated waking up and facing another day of errands, mockery, and reportings to the members. I always looked forward to the day of my Final Rites to end my agony as a neophyte, thus living a normal life again. It's funny 'coz, that's exactly how I feel this past few days. I'm not treated as a slave and mocked in my work of course, but the thing is, I'm feeling so burnt out. It's like I'm just dragging myself every waking day to get to the office and I'm just waiting for the clock to strike 5 so I can finally go home. I am looking forward to my last day here in the office. This is not good.

 

Well, it's good if I have a new employer right on hand; I've got none. I have no plans yet; I don't know where I'm going. I have pending applications via jobstreet, that's all.

 

I don't want to be jobless. It feels really good to earn your own money, knowing that you've got dough to spend. Well, I'm not really gonna die of hunger and homelessness because I still live with my family (thank God!). They will support me, that's for sure, but I don't want to be dependent to them again.

 

I know that I should be the one to initiate if I want my contract to be renewed. Performance-wise, I think I'm a little below average. In fact, I feel like I'm just a liability in this company (I even exceeded my limit for the communication allowance). My presense or absense in this company doesn't seem to make a difference at all...and that's what I hate the most. I want to feel that I am needed, that I am valuable...that I am an asset.

 

I just can't find the motivation to stay. I am feeling so down, lost, and sorry for myself.

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the countdown: 14 days...

 

When I decided to come up with a journal thread, I wrote Resignation Blues as a title, because I was stressing over resigning from my first job then. I realized later on that I wanted something catchy for a title, something that would completely describe me, and give the readers a glimpse of what is expected to be read from this thread. I am eccentric.

 

However, I couldn't change the title anymore, so I couldn't come up with an Eccentricity Equals Me thread. Sometimes, I think about what really this thread is all about. Whenever I read my previous entries, I realize that the title is appropriate, 'coz more often than not, I am venting over my job (it's certainly not something you call a career yet). Now, I'm about to go jobless again. I't just a sick cycle.

 

Wait a sec. If I become out of job a few days from now, then I won't have anything to write about anymore. Not quite. I still have a miserable love life.

 

I have to warn the avid readers that as days pass by, expect to read more entries from a frustrated and eccentric denise...

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