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No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?


mariposa81

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I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of June so it's been about 2 1/2 months. I finally got tired of feeling unimportant, not being a priority, his being selfish and insensitive to my needs, etc. I've posted here in the past so some of you may already know my past with him.

 

After the breakup, he left to spend a few days with his family in Los Angeles to clear his head (a mutual friend told me after he left; he's originally from there and lives here on the east coast while he's doing his residency).

 

He wrote me an email after the break up apologizing for what went wrong and clarifying the fact that he was wrong for not being clear on his future goals with me etc (when he wanted to get married--no earlier than age 30; that he wanted to ultimately move back in Los Angeles and that if I didn't have same goal, it's best that we ended things now, etc). It seemed as though nothing had really changed and that things were still on HIS terms. I ignored the email.

 

Since the breakup, I have had absolutely NO contact with him and have ignored ALL efforts he's made to contact me. I haven't even ran into him once since the breakup. I've ignored his texts he's written to say "hi" that he's thinking of me and misses me; that he would love to talk to me about some things if I had time and was willing if it would be okay. I didn't even wish him a happy birthday back in mid-July...even AFTER he wrote me on that day saying that he was thinking of me. I hear from him on average about every 2 weeks or so, primarily through texts. He even called at around Aug 1st and left a voicemail saying that he would love to talk to me, that he hasn't heard from me in a while that he hopes I'm doing well and that he hopes I'll call him back if I get the time.

 

I didn't respond.

 

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I found an envelope with my name on it at my door. I opened it and it was a 4 page letter from him. The first page and a half was a poem about me and how he feels (he writes poetry often but doesn't usually let anyone read it). The rest was a letter to me. I guess he felt this was his last resort since I've ignored all his other attempts.

 

He said how he's been using this time to really work to improve himself. That he's been seeing a psychologist (a relationship psychologist) to be a better man and that in retrospect, he can't believe the things he did: How he told me early on the he didn't enjoy being intimate with me because i didn't orgasm easily, how he can't believe he didn't take the time to ask me what pleases me since everyone's different, how we traveled to so many romantic places and didn't make love. He said he would give anything to make me happy everyday and spend the time with me that he took for granted when we were together.

 

He also said that he sees now that he had the wrong mentality about a lot of things before. That he used to think we shouldn't be together if I didn't want to move back to Los Angeles when he did. He says now that nothing in life really means much unless you have someone you love in your life to share things with. He said that he would give up moving back to Los Angeles if it meant that he was able to be with me.

 

He also said that he was wrong for thinking that he could never get married until age 30. He said that he would rather be with me than not be with me, when he already knows he wants to be with me now AND in the future.

 

He said that he used to think it was okay that we weren't together because there are tons of people out there who we could be with that would make us both happy. But he said he doesn't want to even look for someone else. That he loves everything about me (he listed lots of specific things) and doesn't want to be with someone else when he's worked so hard to be a better man; that he wants to be this better man for ME.

 

He said lots of things but that's the majority of it. He said at the end that if I didn't respond that this would be the last email/call/text/letter that I ever have to receive from him. But he said he wanted to wait to hear from me and would see how it unfolds.

 

What should I do? How should I handle this? I still love him, but I know Rome wasn't built in a day and it's impossible for someone to change completely after 2 1/2 months...right? We've never gone longer than 4 days without speaking when we disagreed in the past when we were together, so I'm sure he's completely shocked that we've had no contact. I have to admit that having no contact and then seeing a letter at my door sort of caught me off guard.

 

I've been seeing a therapist since before we broke up and I am at a place where I feel pretty good about myself and I know my worth (not gonna take crap from ANYONE anymore). I haven't responded at all yet, so my question is how should I respond...IF at all??

 

Thanks in advance and sorry this was so long.

 

~Mari

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I hope the advice you receive doesn't tend toward the "people never change so effing forget about him" side, because he sounds a lot like me, what with the trying to make a lot of changes real fast and all that sort of thing, tendencies towards writing verbose letters, etc.

 

Heh.

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Well hey you haven't found a new boyfriend right. =). I don't know maybe you should give him another chance if you still really have feelings for him. You left him, it probably shattered his world and he has probably been working extremely hard to become a better person for you. At the same time 2 and a half months does not seem that long, but whatever I guess it depends on how much he loves you and how much he really wants to be the right man for you.

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I think that he's made the effort to change, and that counts for a lot. You didn't ask him to see someone, and he has done so of his own accord, and someone specifically guided to relationships at that!

 

Honestly? I think you should contact him again. Take it slowly, ask that he continues with this therapist for awhile and see where it goes. Rome was not built in a day, but some serious progress took place in the first 2 and a half months (trust me, I've seen the blueprints)

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Hmmm.... Let me think.

 

Two and a half months is not enough time for someone to change. On the other hand, he sounds like he's doing the right thing, he's trying to improve himself and expand on who he is.

 

I think it would be a good idea to switch from NC to LC, but the reason you're doing this is to encourage him to continue to see the therapist.

 

I think it would be okay to respond to this, saying something like, "I like to hear you doing things like this to improve yourself. Please keep it up."

 

You do this because you are rewarding him for his good behavior, seeking problems and finding solutions to it. He will likely continue to respond and try to get in touch with you. In which case, you have to play it like the lottery: Sometimes you respond, sometimes you don't, but always sound positive and uplifting and above all, encouraging. This will give him motivation to keep it up.

 

When you feel ready, when enough time has passed for you to heal and he seems to have grown, you can arrange to meet him. But not before then. And above all, on your terms, not his.

 

Oh and P.S. If he suddenly loses interest, you'll know he wasn't all that interested.

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I think it unlikely that someone would go to all the trouble to send a letter like this and pour his heart out in it if he doesn't have sincere motivation.

 

Sometimes people do have an 'Ah Ha!!" moment that can change their outlook. The posh word for it is an epiphany.

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I don't know what to tell you. First of all you still love him and it seems you do want to be with him again. But then again you've been seeing a therapist and you've improved yourself. I guess it comes down to this question: If you do get together and it turns out that he hasn't changed at all do you think you could go through this ordeal again (trying to avoid him)?

 

If you get back with him he will have to prove that he has changed and everything will work out for you. And if you do get back with him and he hasn't changed, it's up to you to show yourself that you have changed and you won't take crap from no one and leave him.

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All I can say is what I would do and thats to meet in person and do some talking and reconnecting face-to-face and see if his words are backed up with action.

 

I don't think that *I* could do anything else but that as I would not want to live with the regret of "what if".

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Wow thanks for the responses everyone. I've actually tried to go on dates with a couple of other guys, but any chemistry we had (if any) was very very short-lived. I'm not involved with anyone at this point and haven't wanted to get into another relationship. The spark I had with my ex was like none I've ever experienced and every outing we had together was amazing each and every time. I'm certain that he loved me and I was really in love with him so you can imagine this has been hard, but I'm very proud of myself for mantaining NC for so long.

 

When I broke up with him, I had let go. I guess I'm afraid that if it's not sincere that I'll have to start back at square one after I've made sooooo much progress with myself. I don't feel ready to just jump right back into a relationship with him, especially after it's taken me so long to adjust to and accept being single after being with him for almost 2 years.

 

I know too that I'm def not ready to see him face to face since it's been so long. I guess I'm just afraid. And I have no idea what to say to him after all this time.

 

Keep those responses coming...

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I think it unlikely that someone would go to all the trouble to send a letter like this and pour his heart out in it if he doesn't have sincere motivation.

 

Sometimes people do have an 'Ah Ha!!" moment that can change their outlook. The posh word for it is an epiphany.

 

 

He also mentioned that it was extremely hard for him to put all of this down on paper since he hadn't heard from me in over 2 months and that he didn't even know if I still felt the same or if I was seeing someone else at this point. But he felt if he was faced with having no other choice but to leave me alone for good, he had to let me know how he felt.

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I think that he's made the effort to change, and that counts for a lot. You didn't ask him to see someone, and he has done so of his own accord, and someone specifically guided to relationships at that!

 

Honestly? I think you should contact him again. Take it slowly, ask that he continues with this therapist for awhile and see where it goes. Rome was not built in a day, but some serious progress took place in the first 2 and a half months (trust me, I've seen the blueprints)

 

I would contact him. He has made a considerable effort.

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Well, I think he is definitely putting in the effort. For him to constantly try to reach out to you with absolutely no response in return tells me he is missing you badly and that he realizes how much he really cares for you.

 

Sometimes while in a relationship, it can become easy to take each other for granted because you just know the person is going to be there for you. But for him to lose you and bring himself to the point of going to see a relationship therapist and to change some significant ways of thinking is a pretty big deal to me.

 

Since you two have both been working on yourself to become a better person, then joining up again in the future may just work out.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would at least contact him again and get a feel for him. Maybe start establishing some LC for awhile and then building upon that.

 

Good luck!

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Well the epiphanic romantic in me says yes- go for it! But the more practical side agrees with the sort of compromise positions ampipushy and others mentioned. You are in the driver's seat so please keep that in mind (and by the way I was glad you finally stopped being a bit of a dorrmat - even with that my response is to respond in a positive way). Good luck!

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Wow, what a dilemma. I went back and looked at some of your old threads. I completely understand your hesitation, because he was incredibly selfish while you were together. And being selfish like that isn't something you can change with a few therapy sessions.

 

The one thing I don't think you should do is just fall back into his arms. You probably aren't sure if you can forgive him for some of the stuff he pulled.

 

The thing is, to a lesser extent, he has pulled this before. Writing a long letter and making all sorts of apologies & promises, only to fall back into familiar patterns once you two got back together.

 

I really don't know.

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Are you also willing to work on yourself to make this work? That may also be part of what needs to happen.

 

If you are open to that idea, why don't you meet for something light like coffee and suggest you both go to counseling together and discuss what might be possible, and the concerns.

 

I think you may be uncomfortable at first, but that will fade if you guys really care about each other. And yes, it may not work out, but you will not be back to square one. You will know at that point that you did what was possible.

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Well, it sounds like you`re not ready to jump headlong into things with him again, but I get the feeling you`ll regret it if you didn`t find out if he really changed or not. Maybe encourage him with contacting him, say you would like to see this new him and take things slowly (maybe start with low contact or as friends).

 

See if he keeps up the changes and therapy.

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Wow, what a dilemma. I went back and looked at some of your old threads. I completely understand your hesitation, because he was incredibly selfish while you were together. And being selfish like that isn't something you can change with a few therapy sessions.

 

The one thing I don't think you should do is just fall back into his arms. You probably aren't sure if you can forgive him for some of the stuff he pulled.

 

The thing is, to a lesser extent, he has pulled this before. Writing a long letter and making all sorts of apologies & promises, only to fall back into familiar patterns once you two got back together.

 

I really don't know.

 

 

Exactly. This is why I'm hesitating so much.

 

I definitely don't want to just fall back into the relationship. I have NO desire whatsoever to do this and after being away from him for so long and having no contact with him, I can actually see things from an objective standpoint. I was NEVER able to do this before.

 

And no, I'm not sure that I trust that he's changed his selfish ways. But at the same time, I really thought that because of his pride, he would have given up contacting me a long time ago since he hasn't heard a word from me at all since (except for the time about a week after the break up when he wrote me the email and I just simply wrote back "please don't contact me again and I can guarantee you that I will do the same").

 

It's true that he has written long letters in the past, but they were also under different circumstances.

 

I'm just very wary of everything, and keep going back and forth questioning what I should do. I guess it's to protect the new stronger self that I've worked so hard to achieve.

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Are you also willing to work on yourself to make this work? That may also be part of what needs to happen.

 

If you are open to that idea, why don't you meet for something light like coffee and suggest you both go to counseling together and discuss what might be possible, and the concerns.

 

I think you may be uncomfortable at first, but that will fade if you guys really care about each other. And yes, it may not work out, but you will not be back to square one. You will know at that point that you did what was possible.

 

 

I actually have been working on myself. I started even before we broke up. I didn't like the person I turned into from being in an unhappy relationship with him. So I decided to see start seeing a therapist before we broke up to be a better person for myself. I still continue to see her once a week. I'm so pleased with my progress and feel almost like a new person.

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I actually have been working on myself. I started even before we broke up. I didn't like the person I turned into from being in an unhappy relationship with him. So I decided to see start seeing a therapist before we broke up to be a better person for myself. I still continue to see her once a week. I'm so pleased with my progress and feel almost like a new person.

 

I can understand that. I would say if he is willing to take responsibility for himself in the way he is showing then he is a good person to be involved with. ESPECIALLY if he upsets you so much He is a good person to learn from about your own healing and growth precisely because he brings this stuff out of you. It is the love between you that brings these things up, not something wrong with the relationship. The better a relationship is, the more stuff comes up. The more two people care about each other, the more stuff comes up. That's because you become so important to each other you start reacting differently than you do to things normally. Though it's true that without that insight and approach, it's just going to be unpleasant, not going to change, and better to be alone. It takes both people to share and understand that vision, and want to work together on themselves, for each other. That does not mean getting someone to change their behavior. It means understanding what it means that it upsets you and how it touches your unhappiness, and sharing that with him so that you both understand. And vice-versa.

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I feel like I need some more time to process this and think all this through. Baby steps is an overstatement for the turtle-like pace at which I want to approach this whole thing.

 

So is the concensus that it's okay to contact him, acknowledging that I received and read his letter, maybe adding that I think his efforts to improve himself are great and to keep it up, but also let him know that I need some time to process and think about all this?

 

I also want to add that I want to write this via email because I don't even feel ready to talk to him on the phone at this point.

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Consider yourselves lucky to have not YET lost each other. ( to someone else)

 

Even if you go slow you have the love between you already. Sometimes it does take being left to awaken the need to change in ourselves as another poster said in another way.

 

"we had to lose each other to find each other again"

 

I know as a man that has improved in my relating to women in relationships over 25 years of trying, some of the endings surely made me change and improve and say to myself I will never treat another woman like this or that... People do change and life events trigger change.

 

I have lost my ex gf to another man, she is rebounding with someone very toxic and it is hurtful to me. I would love to get that letter you received, but it will never come. I would take similar baby steps if it did, maybe after some lc meet together at the therapists, whatever feels right for you after you process this more.

 

Many of us on this board openly are jealous of your opportunity...

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He has made a grand gesture that may or may not reflect a serious change in him... so of course, caution is in order, especially if the relationship was bad enough to emotionally wrack you out while you were in it.

 

Think about this that you posted:

 

>>I was so tired of being tired...of his insensitivity to my needs and feelings, of his selfishness, of him not making me a priority, of him saying whatever he wanted at any given moment without regard to how it would make me feel, for his blaming me for our lack of intimacy because I didnt' "orgasm" easily..it was "too much work"...it was "easier to just watch porn", etc..., for blowing me off sometimes when I was sad or upset about something in my life when I just needed to talk, and for doing things sometimes that were just malicious and uncalled for. >>

 

Now this grand gesture could be him being selfish again (refusing to let you be the one who dumps him) and he just gives you more of that in future, or he has really changed. It is probably a bit of both, the question is has he made a permanent commitment to treating you better?

 

So would you be going back because he is really the man of your dreams, or because you are lonely and miss having someone in your life?

 

Think very carefully about that, and perhaps consider some joint counseling sessions with him before you make any decisions one way or another. That way you explore it, but keep in mind that the goal is not just getting back together, but being in a good relationship that makes you happy and can go the distance. People focus so much on getting together, they forget that what comes after that may just be more of the same old thing.

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