My wife of 12+ years wants to leave our family Found connection with old high scool boyfriend

My wife of 12+ years wants to leave our family. She claims she's been unhappy but doesn't know why. We've always had problems communicating, we never talk much about our feelings, but let them go. She's recently been contacted by her old high scool boyfriend, who she now feels, has provided her with that "connection" or happiness she's been missing in our relationship and she want to leave me. We've been together 20 years, married for 12 of them and have two beautiful smart young children. He lives hundreds of miles away near the ocean, which she's also, always wanted to be near. He is unmarried and has a child from a previous relationship which will keep him where he is. I've had to take on a new job that puts me out of the state four days a week. And I've had to do this for almost 4 years now. I know this is another stressful part of our relationship. I think her being alone with the family and responsibilities during this time have given her the strength and acknowledgement that she can go it alone if she had to. She says she needs her space and I really believe she wants to leave me. I want to give her her space but don't want to stop showing her I really care and don't want her to leave. I'm trying everything within my power to get employment closer to home, (which I should have done more before this happened). She talks to him a couple hours every day and I think I'm going to explode. Her space is being invaded by him and my chances of making this work seem to be diminishing every day. I think if he were out of the picture she wouldn't feel so compelled to leave but would try counseling or other means to fix us. I think he's taking her from me every time she talks to him. When I am home it tears my heart out to not discuss it and to act as if everything is normal.. I need help.. I feel like I'm dying.. I cant eat or sleep or think straight..When I talk to her on the phone I feel like I need to make thinngs up to say just to keep her off the phone with him.... Please God someone help me.

I wish i could be of more help i can imagine the pain your going through. I am so sorry. You cant force her to do something she doesnt want but what i would say is try to find the things that attracted her to you in the first place. find that spark again if you will. I know easier said than done but she has been with you for 20 years i find it crazy that she would just want to up and run especially with kids involved.

I am so sorry your going through this.

And does she plan to take the kids and move in with him?

She is likely remembering the "good old days" in high school, where she had no responsibilities and could just have fun with this boyfriend all the time. One she moves in with him, she just might find out a lot has actually changed in the years they have been apart and she's made a mistake. They are now adults, with responsibilities.

And does she plan to take the kids and move in with him?

 

She is likely remembering the "good old days" in high school, where she had no responsibilities and could just have fun with this boyfriend all the time. One she moves in with him, she just might find out a lot has actually changed in the years they have been apart and she's made a mistake. They are now adults, with responsibilities.

I think this post is spot on. Is she willing to go to counselling?

FeelingNumb -

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Hearing this makes me wonder if she isn't just being extremely selfish. It's one thing to have doubts in marriage and that is quite normal, it happens and in most cases, I think it passes. What concerns me and I am sure, you, is that she seems to think happiness can be found leaving her family and relocating to an unknown. How can she conceive of leaving her children behind? Has she thought this through or is she just simply verbalizing a romantic fantasy?

I think it would be good for her to go to counseling but I have also learned that you can't force her to do that.

Your wife is wanting to go and have a fantasy life and she thinks you are the reason she is not happy. It is not your job to make her happy, she needs to be happy within herself. We have a club here which unfortunately you look like you are about to become a member. It is called the "Walk Away Wife Club". We get a new member her about every 15 days or so.

First of all you need to plan for the worsst and hope for the best. Get your family and friends involved to help you make sound decisions. Post here a lot and read everything and only do what feels right to you. There will be many along to help. I would also suggest going to a few sites that deal directly with what is happening to your family.

divorcebusting.com and others can help, also look up Walk Away Wife Syndrome.

It takes both people to allow a relationship to wither and it takes both to bring life back. This is not all your fault! 50% at worst so don't put it all on you. Here is a link to my first post here. Sorry about any spelling or grammar errors. I was kinda messed up.

It is her choice to talk to this guy and be selfish. You will not force her to change her mind, she needs to come to that on her own.

you can PM me anytime

lost

So what are her plans? Exactly when is she thinking of leaving to be with him or is this some great big fantasy game she is playing at your expense? Have they met up in real life recently? Have you discussed who the childen will live with when she has gone?

And I say this for a reason.....I would be absolutely furious if my partner disrespected by talking to him for hours on end so how long exactly does she think she will be allowed by you to totally disrespect you in your family home? Understand?

I agree that it sounds a bit like a pipe dream she is having. That being said, i'd like to propose a dissenting view. Given that they do not talk much about feelings, and given that he has worked out of state 4 days a week for 4 years, I think it is safe to conclude, that she lacks an emotional and / or physical connection with a man. She has likely felt this for some time.

This old high school friend is not the cause of this, but likely just the trigger. And no - her and the high school friend is not going to live happily ever after. I don't think it is the most mature or responsible solution from her side either.

But I think it is important to try to understand the depth of the problem, rather than just fend her of as egoistic. She is clearly missing someone who is present in her life (emotionally and physically).

"He found out how quickly a hot mistress cools down when that mistress starts acting like a wife"

I think this quote applies to your situation. Your wife wishes to "escape" her life. She is unhappy and is choosing to run away from it. This is just her chasing a fantasy.

I am so sorry for your situation.

She is a good woman.. Right now she has no plan She cannot take the kids out of state. He has an apartment and a daughter who's living arangements I'm unaware of. He cannot take his daughter out of state either. And I'm sure he cares for her as much as I mine. Timebandit is right. I have not given her the physical or emotional connection she needs. She'd been unhappy for some time but unable to share the details of those feelings with me. We are both from broken famlies, her dad has recently passed away and she's going for plastic surgury to enhance her body and likely increase her self esteem. This boyfriend is a bad trigger at the worst of all possible times and I am left here reeling, not knowing what to do next. I sent her a dozen roses today at work with no card. I don't know why. It'll likely piss her off as a violation of her space rather that my attempt to bring back something lost. she claims the connection she has with him is one we've never had. She never calls him when I'm around at home but I can go online and see our cellular activity and she calls him right after I've hung up with him. I've contemplated buggung my home phones to see whats happening but I don't know that, that action would make me feel any better or become closer to spontaneous internal combustion... I want to die..

I feel so sad reading your post as there are similarities to my own life. I can't give advice as such as I am struggling a bit myself at present but what I can say is your not alone and reading some of the replies here you have plenty of advice.

I really feel your pain as I feel it too.

Tina

I'm so sorry for you. I have been married for 15 years, have two kids, and was recently contacted by a high school girlfriend who has a son and is alone. And the HS gf stirred up feelings in me. Very much a mirror of your situation. However, I'm using it as a way to try to fix the problems with my wife and to bury the unresolved feelings I had with hs gf. (Now that hs gf and I resolved the past, there is no further reason to talk to her and I'm focused on my wife.)

I know how desperate you feel. I was there many years ago when my wife was dating other men. You just want to cry, but you can't because you have to care for your children.

What is the reason your wife can't take the kids out of state? Were you in a legal dispute prior to this contact from hs bf?

Are you and wife still speaking? Are you spending any time together? Are fighting?

Try to spend time with her without fighting. Try to be as good of a dad as possible. You may be crying inside, but try to be strong for your wife and kids. I think the flowers were a good thing to do. You could even write her cards from time to time and just tell her that you love her. Don't be afraid to ask her "please stay". Be gentle and loving to her. If she says something mean, say something nice back.

If she tries to leave, get down on your knees and beg her to stay for the sake of your kids and marriage. Don't be crazy, but be sincere and strong. It is not through lack of strength that we humble ourselves for love, but because of great strength that we can.

I think you're selling yourself short here, she's the one that decided to turn to someone else, instead of working on fixing the marriage.

Instead of putting all the blame on the other guy, you have to realize that she could have easily put a stop to it by staying true to her marriage.

It's also fair to say that he has some blame in this also, he knows she's married, and should have known this was off limits.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but buying her flowers, and begging won't do it if she's not committed to making the marriage work.

I'll think she'll learn the hard way that you can't jump into a new relationship, while still in your current one.

Wishing you the best...

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but buying her flowers, and begging won't do it if she's not committed to making the marriage work.

I'm not saying you are wrong, but I think buying flowers and begging when used in combination with being a good solid strong husband/father can soften the woman's heart enough to give it another chance. You'll obviously have to keep doing it - it isn't something you can do just one time. Then if you get the second chance, you try your damnedest to fix things. If you want to save the marriage bad enough, isn't it worth it to try rather than just say "its up to her to decide"?

Not really a big believer in begging anyone to stay. Making someone stay out of pity, doesn't sound like great grounds for a strong marriage IMO. OP, lots of good posts here, maybe there are many things that wasn't done which made your wife feel like she did. Maybe she repetitively tried to get your attention so the problem could be solved. At this point this is all retrospective as she is choosing herself over the whole family. If she really cared about you she wouldn't undertake actions that would not only hurt you, but the innocent children as well.

You have some tough choices to make, can you guys make it through? Only you can answer that, but I would suggest being there as much as you can for the kids so that they have at least one strong role model to look up to in this trying time. Find out what you can do to change, discuss with her what it is that she would like rectified and then request for you both to go to counseling. Leave no stone unturned in your quest for reconciliation, but do remember one thing. She has indeed done something wrong here, whatever you may have done in the past does not justify cheating. Your actions may have damaged the relationship, but hers may just kill it.

Think about the children above all else. Some say that they want to stay with their estranged just for the sake of the children. Well, I will leave you with a quote that Dr. Phil and my wife quote often.

"Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Good Luck.

feelingnumb- have you thought of just going to counseling by yourself? That may help center you a bit. There's not much you can do about what she's doing except stay out of it. Don't participate in the mistake.

It's normal for people to think they have a special, unique connection in the beginning stages, though it's largely a fantasy, and especially when it is part of the betrayal of someone else. Just keep that to yourself...

How sad that she would throw everything away for a fling that will likely fade out in six months or less.

If this were me sure i'd be hurt but i'd be releasing him very quickly. I'd never trust him again.

The only way i'd buy her flowers is if i included a card that said good riddance.

I'm giving her her space. She said she needs space and time to think. I work out of state until Thursday. I will not call home while I am out here even though it kills me not to talk to her or the boys. I checked the cellular records online she spoke to him for 58 Minutes last night. Time to think?? I sent him an e-mail at his work. with pictures of my family and the boys. I asked him to look deeply into himself and acknowledge if he could feel good doing this to my family. He has a 9 year old daughter from a prior relationship. He cannot leave the state they're in because her mother is there. Mine connot leave our state because I don't want her to. What right do I have as a father? I am having a hard time dealing with this... I feel so weak. I want to give her an ultimatum when I get home but don't think it will help matters and untimately I don't want her to go.. Why should I have to live like this... I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH...

Man this sucks. Ok if she is unhappy with the marriage, which is somewhat understandable because you are rarely home, she should have talked to you about it. By no means should she start an emotional affair with some guy from highschool, and this guy is just as bad.

Why don't you tell her this look I am here right now and I want to work this out and I will do everything in my power to try and fix this. However, if you run off with joe shmoe and a few months later you realize you made a mistake don't come back because I am gone. What you are doing is completely disrespectful and selfish and I will not stand for it.

If she doens't want to go to counceling I would file this way YOU have a better shot at getting more time with your kids.

What right do I have as a father? I am having a hard time dealing with this... I feel so weak. I want to give her an ultimatum when I get home but don't think it will help matters and untimately I don't want her to go.. Why should I have to live like this... I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH...

I keep waiting for you to get angry. I would be.

But more importantly, I think you do need to find out exactly what your rights are as a father and consult an attorney to see what the next step is if things go south. If she is planning her exit already, chances are she might have already done this.

You also need to decide, if she starts divorce proceedings, how do you want them to go, or what would be your ideal outcome? One ideal outcome might be reconciliation, another might be that you raise the kids and she has visitation and pays child support.

Taking some actions might help you feel a little better, like you have a better handle on the situation.

I think you should be prepared for your wife to have a go at you when you get home for sending him those pictures and they are probably now going to have "that chat" about where all this is leading but if that man has any conscience AT ALL he will walk away and your wife will see sense.

When I first read that you had sent them I admit that I thought you were very foolish but now I think you were very strong and very brave. Respect to you.

I think you should be prepared for your wife to have a go at you when you get home for sending him those pictures and they are probably now going to have "that chat" about where all this is leading but if that man has any conscience AT ALL he will walk away and your wife will see sense.

 

When I first read that you had sent them I admit that I thought you were very foolish but now I think you were very strong and very brave. Respect to you.

Seriously who has an affair, at least an enotional one so far, with a woman who is still married with kids. And not only that the poor guy has to travel out of state, so he can feed his sad excuse of a wife, with all of this on his mind. People are so selfish. If your not happy and you want to see other people leave the person your with first. There is no trying out another relationship your either all in or all out.

Not sure how old your children are but I don't think I could ever even look at my mother again if she did that. She is setting a horrible example for them.

It sounds like your a great guy and a strong person, you'll get through this one way or the other.

Ok first stop sending her flowers and whatnot it's not going to help. Besides she should be the one sending you flowers she's the one that f'd up. Second don't look into her activity it is only going to hurt you more. It's better to think then to know.

I dont think i can go on like this She's going to Vegas on 9/11 with an old girlfriend for a long weekend. Perhaps the boys and I will be gone when she returns

I dont think i can go on like this She's going to Vegas on 9/11 with an old girlfriend for a long weekend. Perhaps the boys and I will be gone when she returns

Be careful. Get legal advice before you do anything.

Take care.